Three's a Crowd

Updated on February 05, 2013
M.E. asks from Tampa, FL
12 answers

Hello. I will try to make this short. I have been friends with a woman (we'll call her Sara) for two or three years. We meet up at parks mostly so our kids can play together. On average we see each other once a month because of busy schedules. I feel like Sara and I have never had a chance to bond. Shortly after I met Sara years ago, she invited a friend of hers, Maura to our playdates.

90 percent of the time, when I get together with Sara, she invites Maura along too. I think Maura is nice enough but her being around makes it hard for me and Sara to form a solid friendship. I feel like we are competing for Sara's attention and I often wind up following them around the park like I'm the third wheel. My kids don't seem to be forming a bond with any of these kids. I have tried us all hanging out for a long time but it doesn't work for me anymore.

I really like Sara and don't want to end the friendship. Should I just avoid playdates that involve Maura?

PS- the friendship between Maura and I is just not happening. Her kids are challenging and although she means well, I just don't really like her enough to be friends with her. I am baffled as to why Sara keeps inviting her along.

What can I do next?

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So What Happened?

So, it's been almost a year and we're still all friendly. I have figured out that I think Sara is trying to bring me into her social circle. When we have play dates, she brings in either Maura or this woman, Tabatha, who I think is really sweet and fun. Tabitha exchanged numbers with me over the summer.

A few times over the summer, if I found out Maura was coming, I would decline the play date. Then I would find out later that she cancelled on Maura because I couldn't go. So, for some reason she wants us all together. I did plan a get together or two and did not invite Maura. Sara didn't bring her when I met the arrangements.

Back in August, I invited both Sara and Maura to a lunch date. We wound up having a ball. Maura is the talkative one so she kept the conversation going forever.

Notice that the kids bond when Maura's kids are not there, so I will try some playdates alone as well. Thanks!

Featured Answers

S.T.

answers from Washington DC on

why not keep going to the playdates and ask sara out for coffee or a grown-up date of some sort?
khairete
S.

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J.J.

answers from Washington DC on

Invite sara to your house...that way she can't invite Maura.

Girls and women don't do well in 3's

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

How about leaving the kids out altogether and asking Sara out for coffee or lunch.

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D..

answers from Miami on

Just because you haven't "bonded" with Sara, you think you need to only see her alone? I'm sure she feels like "the more the merrier".

How would you do this? "Is Maura coming?" "Oh, well, I can't come tomorrow." How long before she figures out that you don't want to come when Maura is there?

If you want private time with her, invite her to your house. That way you are in charge of the get together. If she asks about Maura, tell her that you'd like to have just your two kids together in your house, if she doesn't mind.

If you are following this pair around like a third wheel, it's either because you don't have the social skills to be part of a 3-some, OR because neither of them care about you. Maybe that's hard advice, but you do need to think about this.

Dawn

3 moms found this helpful

A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

They are friends. You can't change that. She invites her. You can't change that. Two-three years is a long time not to be really bonded with Sara yet. Sounds like she's the distant type with only some "safe" friends she clings to -like Maura. Your kids aren't enjoying the company.....time to come up with alternative ways to see Sara if you really want to, or let it go. Don't follow them around the park. You have better things to do. Don't go when they go. Invite her to a different place at a different time if possible.

I have a friend who I pretty much get along with OK-not super close, but no problems. We started having weekly play dates/French classes a couple of years ago where a few of us who spoke some French (her, her French friend with no kids, and myself) would read to kids in French and then let them play at her house with an hour of "French speaking only" time. My kids were 5, 3 and 2 at the time. Hers was about 18 months, but she wanted hers to hear French as well as have other kids around, and my kids loved hers and they were having fun, and her French friend taught kids at home in France before marrying our friend and moving here. I really wanted my kids to get some weekly French exposure, so it was worth hauling them all the way to her house every week. My point: It was supposed to be French focused, and it was going great, everyone was having fun and learning.

After a few meetings, she invited a lady she met at toddler swimming lessons and her toddler. A lady with NO INTEREST in French. Her child was super disruptive, aggressive and unpleasant. Because she spoke no French and wasn't interested in it, our French friend stuck to English, and the whole thing became just a play date. Yes, I was frustrated with my friend for inviting her and not giving a second thought to our whole French plan, but she obviously liked this other mom and wanted their toddlers to play together.

How many more play dates did I attend once I realized she would always come? NONE! Did I lose a friend? No! I hired the French friend to tutor my kids once a week at my house. I made up a story that I had to get "more structured" with the lessons in my daughter's homeschooling in general, so we couldn't swing the play dates anymore but my friend was invited to come by with her toddler anytime during our "Lessons". Boom. Shifted the focus and the location. She had no idea it was because of her friend. She was still invited (my friend not her other friend). We still hang out occasionally and get along fine.

Cut down on the play dates. Invite Sara to do something else. Don't say anything mean about Maura. Good luck!

3 moms found this helpful

J.M.

answers from Philadelphia on

unless maura is her best friend i would J. be honest with her and tell her what you told us. you would like to become better friends with her and that you dont have many female friends and want to know if she wants to hang out some time without kids or with the kids over your house

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M.C.

answers from Washington DC on

I would let Sara initiate the playdates. Then you know if your friendship is worth her time.

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M.O.

answers from New York on

Can't you make friends with Maura too?

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A.P.

answers from Washington DC on

Unfortunately we don't get to pick our friends - they pick us. It doesn't sound like she's picking you, so I'd keep looking for that friend that picks you. They are the best types of friends. :)

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L.B.

answers from San Francisco on

You say you are baffled as to why Sara keeps inviting Maura? Does that mean you have told Sara that you would like the playdate to be just the two of you and your kids? Or is it because you don't like Maura so you don't know why Sara does? Not judging, just trying to get a clear picture here. Some people think the more the merrier. That may be why Sara invites Maura. I like the idea mentioned below of inviting Sara and her child to your place. Hopefully she wouldn't be rude enough to invite Maura with talking to you first and if she does ask a simple, "let's keep it small" would send the message. Good luck! And you know, sometimes we just don't "click" with other people. Sounds like Maura is one of those. Sorry you got stuck in that position!

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S.T.

answers from New York on

Iti could be that SAra feels some sense of obligation to be friendly with Maura and so she invites her when there's another person along to reduce the concentration of her. Or maybe that's how she feels about you or your kids. Who knows unless you ask her. Next time you're on the phone setting up a play date mention to her that you don't really feel a connection and how about just the two of you and yoru kids at this point so we can have a conversation. Then give her some room. You never know what a person's motivation is. If the Marua thing jsut isn't working out for you then consider a different friend to hang out with.

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N.K.

answers from Miami on

You may not like what I have to say, but...you can't tell Sara to stop inviting Maura. She is her own person and you can't expect her to be friends with you only, that is selfish. People are free to choose their friends and who they want to hang out with, and if they want to bring along a couple of other friends and you don't like her other friends, maybe you should try to find new friends that have less of a social life and can dedicate time to you and your kids only.

I don't know why you feel like a third wheel, no one is dating anyone, and you're all mature adults. I used to feel jealous when my friend would play with other friends and ignore me, but that was back in grade school. I now realize people are free to have other friends and I have no right to force them to just spend time with me and only me whenever they see me.

I think you need to learn to not depend on just one person, and make friends with everyone, maybe try a play group so you can have a few other moms you feel you're more compatible with than Maura. By having more friends, you may feel less of a need to bond with one person in particular and just see them as someone to chit chat with on a monthly basis and have a bit of a social life, but not a BFF. See that person as someone whose child is friends with your child and you're friendly with, but don't get too close unless you feel that person wants to also become a close friend.

If I understand correctly, your kids aren't really digging any of the kids. If this is the case, stop forcing your kids to play with them just because you happen to really like Sara. Plan some adult events with Sara (WITHOUT the kids) and see if you still like her, you may even realize she's not who you thought she was so losing her friendship won't be that big of a loss anymore.

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