Thoughts Welcomed on Easily Irritated Four Year Old

I have 4 boys who range in age from 22 to 9. My youngest, who's 6 years younger than the next brother, used to scream constantly to get his way, and sometimes still does. I agree totally with the person who said he does this because he knows if he does, the older siblings will give in to make him stop screaming. This was definitely the case with my youngest so I started putting him on his bed when he screamed, tell him he had to sit there for 5 minutes and be quiet, and if he made ANY noise, I'd add another minute. As he's gotten older and done this from time to time, the length of time he has to sit quietly has gotten longer, since his concept of time is better.

I would also watch what the older boys are doing. Are they making the situation worse? My 16 year old is wonderful at antagonizing his younger brother and then HE gets to sit with me, where ever I am, and be quiet. This has been, as you can tell, a regular form of discipline with my boys and it's worked wonders.

I can tell you it does get better. My two oldest, who are 22 & 19, are really great with their littlest brother so hang in there!

M.:

Consider the possibility that your youngest doesn't feel Listened To by his brothers. Often, the youngest feels the need to assert themselves anyway they can to be heard/acknowledged.

Consider this an opportunity to teach your boys some communication/listening skills by holding weekly planning meetings with your family. Help each boy choose an area that they're responsible for. This could relate to their interests such as washing the car, helping in the kitchen, laundry, etc. Then ask them to report on their progress and discuss their plans for the upcoming week at each planning meeting.

You'll get some help and the boys will learn to be peers.

Good luck!

You could try out the 1-2-3 Magic System. It is written by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. I have four children and one of my sons has been diagnosed with ADHD but this system has worked for all of my children. It takes a few weeks to get it implemented into your daily routine, yet is far worth the benefits once the kids understand your terms of discipline. Contact your local library or the school library to see if they have a copy of the book or the video that you can watch for free. The book is the winner of the National Parenting Publications Gold Award. It says that it is effective discipline for children 2-12 years of age. Good luck!

I wish I had insight to give you. My 4 yr, old is the same way. It can be extremely challenging. He is the baby of 2 grown children who are away at college. I pray for patience!
S.

Hi, Have you had him checked by an Occupational Therapist or taken him to an intelligent, up-to-date pediatrician? Your son could have Sensory Integration issues. He might need OT to help him deal with his sensory overloads. OT could really help your son (and the rest of you) cope. He may not be able to deal with his surroundings due to over-stimulation of his environment. I suggest you seek help soon.

A.
Elementary educator for 27 years who deals with children with sensory issues and other disorders, as well as neuro-typical children.

Have you discussed this with your pediatrician? I would wonder if your son might have some kind of sensory issue. The part about touching his hair caught my attention. My son is hyper senstitive to having his hair touched, and would scream if we tried to wash it, comb it, whatever. But my son has other sensory issues as well, including a hypersensitivity to noise, and an inability to sleep in daylight. He was diagnosed with sensory modulation disorder, in addition to other things. If this has been going with your son on all along, I would suspect a physical reason, rather than a phase, and seek the advice of a medical professional.

Hi M.,

I have little advice for you, more sympathy, and maybe hearing my situation will somehow help you.

You have EXACTLY described my almost 4 year old daughter. Up until now I thought it was a 'girl thing' but it drives me absolutly batty. It's like nails on a chalk board. She too is the same way with the affection and quick apoligies to her older brother, and the screaming reaction to anything disagreeable.

My daughter is very sweet and independent, and lets everyone know it, but is constantly trying to keep up with her older brother and his friends. I have noticed that the whining escalates throughout the day and I associated that with giving up the afternoon nap. She gets about 11-12 hours at night.

I've also been feeling that she needs her own friends. She's starting preschool this fall and this will be her first experience interacting with children her own age on a regular basis. I'm hoping that helps.

I'm glad you posted this issue. I look forward to reading your replys from other moms.

Good Luck!

Sounds like complete frustration with the older siblings and the fact that the young one hasn't the skills,as yet, to communicate in any other way but to show his temper. Shape those older kids up! They're all old enough to understand what's going on. Make them stop teasing him or they get punished. Boys will be boys, blatenly, right in front of your face!!!! Do something about it............

Hi M.,
I would ask his doctor for a script for an Sensory Integration screening/eval. My son struggles with these issues and it all started (about a year ago) with screaming and tantrums.
Also and unrelated, I'm wondering if he might be craving some alone time with mom and dad? I only have 1 child, but I believe that each child needs one on one alone time with each parent. Maybe that will help him know where he stands.
My son struggles with feeling safe so we have to keep a pretty strict daily schedule. What is your son's schedule? Maybe that's a factor.
What I do when my son whines and screams is ignore him. I'll tell him, "I dont' listen to whining or screaming when you're ready to use your big boy voice I will listen." When I first started doing this it got worse before it got better. Once he actually hit me. But we had to establish that it wasn't appropriate to yell/hit. If he wanted my attention he had to use his words and ask me for it otherwise he got nothing. It might seem kind of harsh, but it works. I honestly believe we have a better relationship because of it.
And also, giving him a space where he could yell or hit if he needed that outlet. Getting him a beanbag or saying, 'you sound really mad, if you need to scream you can go to your room and scream.' So I was giving him a way to get out his emotions but still maintaing the appropriateness of doing so. I hope some of this is helpful.
Blessings,
J.

We recently added a third child to our family - a boy. Our soon to be 4 year old is the same way. Everyone we've discussed this with seems to chalk it up to "just a phase", while some add that it's because she is now the "middle child". My maternal instincts tell me that it possibly could be both but when it happens, it is irritating and bothersome to say the least-especially after a long day at work! I would pay attention when your son reacts as well as be sure that you also make him known that he is being heard and there is no need for screaming, tantrum, etc. Some days are easier than others, but when my daughter sees that she has mommy or daddy's full attention - she eventually calms down usually in between tears but afterwards - she seems to feel better if we talk to her and make her understand that she doesn't need to yell or throw fits for us to notice her. Good luck! I'm sure your son will grow out of this soon enough!

This is my theory. My last one is 3 and she is whining as well. The older kids. My range is also 13 to 3 but only 4. Anyway, she wants something or has something the older kids take it away or won't give it to her. Then she starts crying or whining or screaming, when the older kids can't calm her down by no other way but giving in to her they are teaching her that this is the way to get what she wants. Unfortunately I believe this is a dynamic that comes with bigger families and a wide range of ages. I just keep reminding the bigger kids how to best deal with her and tell them to not give in to her when they make a decision. Of course, I try to calm her down and get her to use words and I make sure I not make the mistake the kids make by giving in to her whining behavior. Sorry I'm not much help, but I know that this is just what it is and it will eventually get better. Don't you love the controlled chaos, I wouldn't have it any other way. Eventhough sometimes I feel like I want to lock myself in a closet, I love it.

I know you'll get good advice from others, so this is just a few ideas. He's going to be so well prepared for life if he comes out on top of this situation and learns to hold his own with his older brothers. Does he like to wrestle? I do hope that having a religious home you have not totally eliminated this boy wrestling thing. Let him wrestle with one of the older boys who you can coach to go easy on him. Realize that he might be very territorial and teach the brothers not to get in his face too much. Tell him that you are there to protect him but you know he can learn to deal with some of these attacks with better tactics than screaming and whining, that it only encourages he brothers to do more to him (use age approporiate terms for this). Give him the words he needs, "Billy, tell Joey you don't like to have your hair touched, use words, not screaming." Repeat this to him at times when he is not already being picked on and practice having him say the words with you. Consistently discipline his brothers who go too far in picking on him.