The Right Words to Say

The best thing I received when I had my miscarriage was a sympathy card with a personal note inside. I didn't want to talk about it to anyone but my husband, but the cards really helped me know I could if I wanted to.

When I had my miscarriages I didn't want to talk about it. Some people are like that. Maybe she is one of them. If I were you I would just say to her, 'I am going to say this once and then I will drop it: I am sorry for your loss and if you need or want to talk about it, I am here for you.'

I found out 6 years after we were "done", that I was pregnant. It turned out to be nonviable, due to having a Mirena IUD in. We were shocked that I was pregnant in the first place, and it would have been a huge change for our family. When we found out it was a miscarriage, I was sad. So were the kids and my hubby. BUT, I was also relieved. I was not ready to start all over again. It seems your friend's situation is in no way welcoming of a baby right now. I don't doubt she is relieved, and that's TOTALLY fine, given her life, right now.
I know you two keep your lives to yourselves, but at this point, she may be thinking, "Man, I wish _____ would ask me about how things are. I need to talk." She may not want to say anything, because she doesn't want to burden you. But, she really might need a shoulder.....I think I would just ask her by saying something like, "I know we don't usually get into the gorry details of our lives, but if you need to talk about anything, I'm here." Just put it out there, so that she feels comfortable to talk to you if she feels the need.
Also, unless she's asking for specific help with a place to stay, someone to take the kids for the weekend, etc. she probably just needs someone to listen. Just being there and offering support, would be a much needed "break", I would think. Good luck to you,both.

Timberose,

You are a great friend to want to be there for her. Sounds like she may not be that upset, considering her present circumstances are not that great, it may truly be a blessing in disguise. If on the other hand, she does appear to , or says she is upset about it, reassure her ,things, even a miscarraige happen for a reason, although we may not understand why.
She has alot on her plate, and sounds like she isn't ready for another child, but, she's being a little irresponsible if she isn't doing anything to prevent getting pregnant. She seems to be creating some of her own stress by not making a little structure for her children, (what will she do when they are school age? ) Kids need stability. If she suffers from sleep deprivation ,she is also creating an unhealthy situation for herself as well as the children, we aren't as alert as we could be ,and lack of sleep often times gives us a short fuse , if we go without long enough, it can also create mood swings, not good ! You know the ole saying," Doing things the same ole way , will get you the same ole results."
All you can do is offer suggestions, without drama, of course. If she is close to you she will welcome the advice/suggestions., without criticizing you. I mean, she can take them or leave them,the choice is hers. Why wouldn't she want to make her life a little easier ? She has nothing to lose and a lot to gain ! Make sure she knows anything you say is not a judgement, just an observation. Good Luck, C. S.

I think the time it takes to "get over" a miscarriage varies from woman to woman.
It was no comfort at all to me to be told "for the best" "natures way" "likely birth defect"., etc. That's just cruel.
Offer your sympathy and follow her lead.

I think that you should tell her that if she ever needs to talk or just a shoulder to cry on, you will be there for her.and give her a big hug. That leaves the doors of communication open on your part. Other than that, let it be. If she hasn't mentioned anything as of yet, she's not ready to talk about it. A lot of people deal with different things in different ways. When she's ready, she'll come around. She'll be thankful to know that you'll be the for her when that time comes.

Speaking from experience, you can have closure quickly - especially if you feel that this was supposed to be. If she's been open with you about other things, trust that she will talk with you about this if and when she needs to. (you could tell her that too)

As far as the lack of schedules, I don't have schedules, but I do have a rhythm. We have a constant routine though parts can take longer or shorter during the day. Things happen in a sequence- for the most part. Lots of kids feel more secure in a schedule or pattern and can help their behavior or even sleep. (though sleep is tough when kids are young no matter what sometimes.)

There's a very real possiblity that there is nothing underlying your friends' current attitude. She very well may just be relieved, and although there will always be an element of sadness to losing a pregnancy, she may be in such a place in her life that she realized this was for the best based on where she is & what she's going through right now. Just because she's not dealing with it the way you might, or anyone else you know, doesn't mean she's not dealing with it perfectly fine for herself.

I would put it out there that if she wants to talk about it, or needs anything at all, that you are there for her, but then just leave it be. The ball will be in her court & you'll have let her know that you're there for her.

it's okay for her to feel relief! It does not make her a bad mom ....or an insensitive person. She has a lot on her plate & the timing was not right. Let her feel her Peace.

& as for the "right tools in your communication toolbox".....OMGosh, what a wonderful phrase! I applaud you - what a wonderful friend! The right words will come to you should you need them....

I just went through a miscarriage last month at 13 weeks (the baby apparently made it to about 10 weeks. Ours was also a surprise, but we had gotten over the shock and fear and moved on to excitement. For me I told everyone that knew I was pregnant what happened(which was pretty much everyone we knew at that point) and talked with my hubby and mom in great detail over my feelings. After telling everyone, I just really didn't want to talk about it, at all. There just didn't seem much to say. It took me a little bit to heal physically, but as soon as I could, I jumped back into normal routines. I was hurting emotionally, but just didn't want to rehash everything. My best friend stopped by and neither one of us brought it up. I was grateful she didn't push the issue. A few days later she sent me a little card. It was blank and she simply wrote, "thinking of you. I am here if you need me. I love you." It meant a lot. We still haven't had any big discussions, but I know that she'll be there if I needed her. I heard lots of "I'm sorry." and "praying for you" and that sort of thing. It was well intentioned, but felt a little hollow, a little forced by a lot of people. Everyone meant well, but no one knows what to say. Some people shared their experiences. There is no right answer here. Take her lead, and be there in whatever capacity she needs.

I would say that words don't have to be first right now. The 'right thing to say' will come later. I think that your presence, support, and love are what she really needs from you.

First of all let me say that you are a wonderful friend to think about being prepared should your friend come to you upset about the miscarriage. I also had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I was not married to the man I conceived with but we had been dating for awhile. This man had just received custody of his 8 year old son and I also had a 6 year old son. Financially we were not ready to raise another child so he was trying to convince me to have an abortion. I didn't want to do it and had begun to have second thoughts about it. I prayed on it at church on a Sunday and on the following Monday I miscarried. I had to put up a good front for my son because he didn't know about this and was too young to understand. I walked around with my boyfriend pretending to be relieved because I didn't have to go through the abortion. I am telling you all of this for this reason: I hurt very deeply inside and tried to keep the hurt in only for it to come out like a flood a few weeks after the miscarriage. I was miserable and saw a counselor. She suggested an activity to represent closure with the baby. Give the baby a name and write a short letter to it. I then buried it under a tree near my house. I won't lie and tell you I felt immediate relief, but it helped a whole lot. I was able to go on with the healing process and feel more like myself. Maybe suggesting this to your friend if she comes to you upset may help her to feel better also. I will pray for you and your friend.

When I had my miscarriage the day of I cried like a baby....but then I realized that it REALLY was not the best time for us at all. Of course the baby wasn't planned but once I found out I was excited but then when I had the miscarriage I felt like it was my fault and I was very upset over the loss. However I knew that God was in control and that God knew what I could and couldn't handle. Usually with a miscarriage that is the body's way of naturally getting rid of it because the body detected an issue. Imagine if she had all the stress she already has currently then on top of that a special needs child? Sometimes God does know what is best for us other times he chooses us for a reason.
My mother would call me every single day asking me if I was okay. Even now 3 months later she asks me "Are you depressed". She had a miscarriage herself and went through a really hard time so I guess she feels that I would be the same. I can't honestly say that at certain times I do feel blue about it. Certain things might trigger it as well but then I remind myself of our situation and how we already struggle as it is right now in this moment. I am only 35 years old and I have plenty of time to try again but I did end up going back on Birth Control Pills because I didn't want to take any chances whatsoever.....I don't think I could handle that emotionally right now. She has to go through the emotions and people do that in different ways and with certain people. I withdrew from my husband but talked to a very close cousin of mine when I was having a bad day. Just let her know if she needs anyone to talk to that you are always there for her. She might withdraw for awhile but then eventually open up. Sometimes though to some women its a blessing in disguise. Maybe she contiplated abortion but ended up having a miscarriage instead so might just really be "ok" with it. It's not something that anyone else can answer only she knows how she truly feels. Just keep an eye out on her and keep a look out for any kind of depression. She may need to go to a counselor or she may not. Overall you letting her know you are there for her no matter what should let her know that if she needs to talk about that with you-she can.