The One?

Forget him.
He's not The O..
To me, he sounds far from it.
This isn't a co-sleeping issue, it's a protect-yourself-from-a-controlling-man issue.
Focus on your daughter.
Forget this loser!

Today you've been on several threads and I'm kind of fond you, mama! You are very sweet and have a kind heart. I want to tell you my feelings about your post and I don't want to hurt you feelings. Can I tell you what I think without making you feel sad? I hope so!!

First, it's fine that you are co-sleeping right now with your daughter. You don't have a husband at home who wants you all to himself and you aren't being kicked to death in your bed. So there's that. However, one thing I'd like you to think about is that sleeping with her shouldn't be for YOU. She isn't supposed to be taking the place of another warm body in the bed. You are co-sleeping because you have never put her in a bed other than yours since she was born. That's okay. Grown-ups aren't really supposed to use a child for emotional fulfillment. If they do, there is a real risk of holding a child's normal development back. You don't want to risk that.

As far as the man is concerned, there are some real red flags in your description. First of all, it is not cute that he is trying to make you jealous. It is not cute that he gets mad at you and doesn't speak for a long time. It's not cute that he holds you to a standard that makes NO sense - waiting for him since you were 10 rather than marrying and having a child when you mention a crush you had. Something is really off, Mama!

I know he is of another culture, but it's really obvious that this culture places men above women and he places himself so high above you. The only woman that he definitely places over you is his mother. In this country, moms who sleep with 13 year old sons can get in trouble with social services. It is not considered healthy for the child, and it is also considered to be poor judgement for the mom. I would be VERY worried that he would put his mother and the entire family over you. You have even admitted that his culture and family don't approve of you. You must not ignore that.

There is a reason OTHER than him loving and respecting the relationship with your daughter, as to why he would encourage you to sleep with her. It could be to keep you from being with any other man. After all, he has already grilled you as to why you would have married another man. He simply does not want you to have sex with anyone.

This just isn't normal, mama. He's toying with you, trying to tell you what to do and manipulate you. I know you are attracted to him, but this "loyalty" to him is off-kilter. You will never meet a man who is attainable if you keep dreaming about the man that you wish he could be. He will never be the "dream" that you have. Cold reality is ugly - he is showing you cold reality and you keep pretending to yourself that it's okay. But it's not.

Please stop contacting him. Give yourself some space and drop him long enough to go talk to a counselor about these feelings of yours. I know it's a little hard to think about it like this, but I hope you will anyway.

As far as your daughter is concerned, she is still little and around 5 years old or so, transition her to a mattress beside your bed and then eventually into her own room. You both will need to cut the umbilical cord at some point so that she can have healthy independence, and you can too. If you have a man in your life before that, you can possibly be with him outside of your home so that you know how things are with him before he spends night time around your daughter (with her in her OWN room, and you as adults in your room.)

This is really what I think you should do. I hope you don't feel that I've been insensitive. I really don't want to hurt your feelings here.

Hugs~
Dawn

Oh my. Hon, this has red flags and train wreck written all over it. Please don't invest any more time and emotional energy in this bizarre pseudo-relationship. You're overlooking TONS of issues because he supports you on one area that's important to you. That's not enough.

While I am a fan of co-sleeping, and believe that single parents need to put their children first always and need to be very guarded in their future relationships, I am concerned that you are having your daughter fill an emotional need for you that goes outside of a normal parent-child relationship. Adults need adult relationships. It's not good for children to feel like they are the centers of their parents' lives - it's an impossible role for a child to fill and brings an uncomfortable imbalance to a parent-child relationship. It's too much pressure for a child to feel that she is the only significant relationship in a parent's life, to the exclusion of other important adult relationships. I'm not saying that that's what's going on for you, but it's something to think about. Be careful that you aren't making *your* needs become mixed up with hers, and that you're not clinging to this childhood fantasy relationship with an older man who isn't even around as a means to avoid the work and risk of developing a real relationship with a real potential life partner.

I write this as a former single mom who has co-slept with all of her children, so I've been in your shoes. If I were you, I would at least make sure your daughter at least has her own bed and her own room (I'm assuming that she does, but my sister is a single mom who co-sleeps with her 3-year-old daughter and my niece's "room" is actually the cats' room) and start introducing her to the idea of her own space. You will have to establish more boundaries with her, probably over the next year, and by age 3.5 - 4 she should be sleeping in her own bed. With a single parent situation, I think it's even more important to draw the co-sleeping boundary line on the early side because with married parents, most kids get the sense that the bed is rightfully occupied by mom and dad and they are just temporary guests. With a single child/single parent, it's easy for the child to feel as if the family bed is hers forever. This age up through 4 is a great time to emphasize all of her big girl milestones and move her towards age-appropriate independence. Over the next year, she'll learn to dress herself, potty train, and you can make sleeping in a big girl bed part of that process.

co-sleeping is great! do it for as long as you like.
making your daughter the only focus, and center, and interest in your life is not. it's way too much pressure for a small person. she can't possibly fulfill all of your needs, and your needs should (if you're healthy) extend beyond motherhood. kids should feel safe and loved and important. but if they're put in the center of the universe, they grow up thinking everyone should put them there too.
it's nice that this fellow approves of your co-sleeping, but other than that he's a trainwreck. control freak. over the top manipulator. surely not the sort of male role model you want for your child.
my dear, it sounds to me as if you need to focus on yourself in ways that don't involve your attachment to other people. you have worth and value above and beyond what you are to someone else. if you can be comfortable in your own skin, THAT is a great thing to pass onto your daughter, and will be attractive to men who don't need to own a woman to love her.
khairete
S.

These are really two separate issues.
1) Is he The One? No. He is not. You had a crush on him when he was an adult and you were a 10 year old. He still has that paternal/older thing going, and he always will. You know the old cliche about a girl looking for a father figure? He's 15 years older than you... that means he was 25 when you were 10. He is a "father" type figure to you. The older, wiser, man who will make all right with the world. Men can't do that. They are just men. And THIS man seems very controlling, and has a temper, and isn't afraid to show it over even the most absurd and ridiculous things.

2) The co-sleeping? There is nothing wrong with co-sleeping if it is working for your family (that means, you and your daughter at this point). However, it is a red flag to me that you say in your first paragraph that "I don't know when to stop. I don't want to stop." The goal of parenthood is to raise healthy, well adjusted children into productive members of society. How do you see that working if your child is never allowed to become independent from you? At some point (maybe not right now) your daughter needs to transition to her own sleeping space. I'd suggest it happen at least by the time she hits puberty, which these days, seems earlier and earlier... For some kids it starts around age 8.

I understand that your daughter is your world. But understand that, it is selfish to expect for YOU to be your daughter's world. That is not healthy. You are her world now, she is a small child dependent upon you. But that will change as she grows, and your job as a parent is to help her transition into adulthood. Not to groom her to see you as her world.

I hope that doesn't come across as mean, because I don't intend for it to be. But the wording of your post makes it sound like you have that kind of vision. I hope I am wrong, because a vision like that is unhealthy for your daughter in the long run. Again, for right now, at age 3, it is fine. But you do need to accept the idea that at some point in the not so distant future, she needs to learn some independence and have her own space. Her life is going to be HER life. It won't be all about you and your relationship with her. Yes, you will be important to her. And that is a good thing. But if you go too far in the co-dependent direction, you can hobble her emotionally, and end up in a co-dependent adult relationship that precludes her from other normal relationships, like a husband and family of her own. I know that is not what you want for her. Is it?
No rush, but keep your long term goals in mind: Nurturing a dependent child into an independent adult.

ETA: I just went back and looked at a few of your previous posts, and I see that your daughter is not yet 3 (until Feb ?) and that she has had health issues even preceding birth. That makes your desire to keep her close VERY understandable. However, you might consider a few sessions with a counselor in the future to help you if you are still attached more than is healthy and normal. My SIL had a condition when she was a very small child. She is almost 40 now. Even though she was FINE, even during her childhood, because she HAD a condition at one point, her mother behaved differently with her, and created an unhealthy relationship with her daughter. It didn't stop when the condition rectified. They STILL have an unhealthy relationship. And it affected both of their relationships with a sibling that came along after, to the degree that when I came into the family, I was still hearing references by extended family about their weird relationship... stories that make me cringe. Stories from SIL's TEEN years... when she was fully healthy. You cannot protect your daughter from health issues with her kidneys (or anything else) by co-sleeping. You will not be doing your daughter harm by letting her have her own space. Again, maybe not right NOW, but in the not so distant future.

It's fine to sleep with your daughter. But it shouldn't be of SUCH high importance imo....you do sound a bit TOO dependent on it..she should feel OK at three to sleep elsewhere too...but no big deal, lots of people co-sleep...My oldest daughter often sleeps with me when her dad's away, but she's also fine in her own bed. Sleeping my myself at times doesn't mean my kids aren't the most important people in my life. I'm just not sure why you would be thinking of "sleeping with your daughter" VS. "dating or sleeping with anyone else ever again"...again, seems like overkill.

This long distance older man is not a saint just because he "approves of you sleeping with your daughter". Lots of wonderful men would have no opinion on it, and that's OK. Same with his good advice for your daughter and stuff from afar. Lots of nice men make good step-dads.

From what you've written here, the relationship with the long distance guy is not healthy or happy. Broaden your horizons, and don't account to him for everything. He's not your real boyfriend or husband. At all. Get involved in some meaningful activities and groups with your daughter and socialize. I have met a really nice network of parents-including some singles in my kid's Tae Kwon Do circle. There's lots of nice kid-related communities. People in these communities have friends who have friends who have friends....get out and be a confident, positive person as well as mom. There are nice men out there, you don't have to force it, rush it, or feel bad meeting them.

first i'd like to say cosleep all you want. when you meet a man I'm sure there will be several months before he meets your daughter and then several months before he sleep over when youre daughter is there so you'll have time to slowly move her to another bed if and when you fine another relationship.

on THE ONE. first i dont believe in the one. there are millions of people in tis world if he met another woman you would certainly find someone to fall hopelessly in love with if you were of right mind and healthy and could sort out the bad ones from the good ones and present your best self. this guy and this relationship you have with him isn't the kind you want your daughter seeing. healthy people dont cut off contact for months when mad from ones they love, or get jealous over the past. I think you should slowly date or take up a hobby that isnt being a mommy and meet people with similar interests. go to the bar for a girls night and mingle, use online...but date slowly and learn how to see "red flags" that this guy puts off and learn that you and your daughter are too good for that.

When you meet "the one" he may care that you cosleep. heck if you were amrried your husband might care. J. because 2 people have a diferent opinion doesnt make or break a relationship. my boyfriend cares that my daughter climbs into bed with M. and we have stopped in within reason (nightmares, sick). she is fine and still comes first in his life and mine BUT she also needs parents who are well rested. you're putting too much emphasis on cosleeping and not enough on traits you want your daughter to look up to.

You don't sleep with a child so you don't bring men into your bed. You are using your daughter and I think she should be in her own bed since she already is upset if she wakes and you aren't there. She needs to learn to not depend so much on you. You are crippling each other in my opinion. You can still be affectionate and love her and not make her dependent on you to that degree. As for the man, he's a man you should run from. First off I don't know if anyone else mentioned it but I think something is wrong if a man sleeps with his mother until he's 13 years old. He has some very troubling issues and why you'd be chatting with him I don't know. I don't know why you loved him age 10 but you are not 10 and he's a mess now. Run from him, don't contact him. Please learn to sleep alone without fear of having to have a man in the bed if your daughter is not there. You have a man in your bed when you find a good man and marry him. Then he'll love you and your daughter and you will not have issues from dangerous people to deal with.

I don't think it's a problem that you're co-sleeping. She's only 3.

I do think continuing or advancing your relationship with this man would be a huge problem. He sounds like a major control freak who would probably be abusive. For him to get mad at you that you married someone and had a child before you started talking to him/reconnected with him after many years is utterly ridiculous. Of course he "cares about your daughter" and encourages you to keep cosleeping because he knows that she is the most important thing to you and wants you to think that he's on board with it so that you'll keep talking to him.

I would encourage you to let your feelings for this man go. It would not be a healthy relationship for you or your daughter.

Best wishes!

I think you should let go of this man. There are red flags all over the place. From what you have said here, he has serious potential to be domineering, controlling, and possessive. Don't let him get his fangs in you. Once he does and you commit to him, it will be a Lifetime movie.
Sorry if this is not what you want to hear. If your daughter is truly your biggest priority, don't get into this situation with a man like this. Trust me. It will probably not end well for either of you. You sound like a nice person, and you deserve better.

I agree with Dawn. I would add that it's OK to continue co-sleeping with your daughter. Yes, you do get pleasure from her presence and that's OK as long as it's pleasure being with her. She is providing companionship. It's good that you're thinking about how to find an adult for companionship. To me, that's an indication that you're not relying on her for emotional support.

I also urge you to end this long distance relationship. If for no other reason than it's highly unlikely that you'll ever be in the same country with him. You need to make that emotional investment with a local person. By clinging to this man you are not available for anyone else.

Do you have girl friends? I suggest that friendships with women can be very supportive and that they're easier to find then friendships with men. I'm not saying to not look for an intimate male relationship. My women friends have been with me my whole adult life. My men friendships have not always lasted.

You feel something for this man because you don't actually know him. Your feelings are based on what you think he is. From your description he's not likely to be very likeable in person. The fact that he's angry and doesn't speak to you for weeks at a time shows you that he's not very good at relationships. One does not stop speaking to a friend because they're angry.

And, do you think it's cute for him to try to make you jealous? Of course not. Acting this way is not loving or kind. It does not make you feel loved.

I urge you to start counseling so that you can stop feeling desperate. You can be happy with just yourself. In fact, it's important to be happy within yourself before becoming intimate with anyone else. If you depend on someone else to make you happy you will be disappointed and still unhappy. No one can fulfill all your needs. I know this from experience.

Also, when one is desperate they are not attractive to the other person. We become clingy and overly sensitive when we feel desperate. I know this from experience, also. Have a good time with your women friends. Forget looking for a man until you're confident in your own ability to make yourself happy.

You do not need this man! I suggest that at this time you need to first find out who you are and know that you're worth having a man who is kind and loving and will be present for you.

so with his temper outbursts and his seeming need to control your life before you were "with" him (why on earth, the tantrum about 'if you loved him you wouldn't have been with someone else'??? i don't get it) do you really, deep down, think this is the guy you want to help raise your child?

our job is to raise them to succeed in this world. personally i don't think cosleeping is doing that. although she is only three...but in the next year or two, imo, i think she should be learning to sleep on her own. god forbid if you were in the hospital or something happened and you weren't there, wouldn't you feel awful that you could have taught her that little bit of independence but chose not to, for your own reasons? the whole reason we never coslept was because i wanted to give my son the gift of being able to sleep on his own. waiting until three or four or five years later just makes it that much harder on them. it will not be easy to get her in her own bed at this point, which stinks, but is the reality.

also worth considering, i think mr. slept with his mom till 13 is a pretty good advocate for not cosleeping.

just my two cents. notice how i was very nice in my response. i get major points for that after your last couple comments. :) just sayin.

It's interesting that you've latched onto a man that is basically unreachable, not present, not readily available, and culturally incompatible.
Have you selected a long distance 'relationship' (I use the term loosely because this is a pen pal not a relationship) because you fear anything closer?
Where is your child s father?
Have you been burned and now are seeking something that is guaranteed to fail?
As a parent - yes - your child comes first.
But also as a parent - you put what's best for your child ahead of your own needs.
So - eventually - and soon (within a year or two) - it's best for your child to get use to sleeping in their own bed.
Because when you do start up an adult relationship - you don't want her feeling she has been displaced in favor of a boyfriend/husband/lover.
I hope this guy is not suggesting that you sleep with her till she's 13 (and if he's in the picture and you get together then you'll all sleep together?) because that's just icky.
If he has not been in a relationship with a woman yet (besides his mother) - something tells me he might never be - he's SO close to his Mom he can't make a proper connection to another woman (is one guess) or maybe he's gay.
What ever - it's not your problem to fix or deal with.
You are loyal to him and feeling desperate?
OK - stop right there.
Feeling desperate is never a good place to start any healthy relationship.
Loyal? - You are avoiding real relationships in favor of this imaginary one.
Please get some counseling.
When you know who you are and are comfortable with yourself out of a relationship, then you'll be ready to know what you need and what you have to offer into a relationship.
Stop communicating with this guy and get some help.

Co-sleeping is fine. And "the one" won't care. :)

But this man is not what you're looking for..

I hope you read each and every one of these answers today and take them to heart.

We're all saying the same thing.

Keep sleeping with your daughter. She's your gem. Hold her close. And ...

Get rid of this whaka-do you're emailing. I know you have a history with him since you've been 10, but he seriously, seriously sounds to me - TO ALL OF US RESPONDING - like a nutjob. You've got to try to move on.

He is giving me the creeps!

Read your own words woman! You think he might be "the one" but he has a "massive temper problem" and doesn't speak to you for weeks or months at a time, and he's much older than you and seems to have major control issues.

Don't you think it would be much more dangerous to introduce your daughter to a nut job like this than to simply sleep with her? Please cut ties with him before he hurts both of you.

The "man" is a CREEP and way too freaking interested in your daughter. Don't even attempt to go there.

I'm not trying to offend you in any way, but you might consider counseling. Why you would even consider him is beyond me.

What Christina N said. Verbatim.

You feel something for him because you haven't allowed anyone else in your life. He lives in another country and unless one of you plans on moving soon, it is NOT going to work.

If he is 15 years older than you, then there should be some plans to be together soon, because, well, no one is getting any younger.

Do yourself a favor and let go of the dream you have with him and move on to a relationship that is more realistic.

I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. He blew up and wouldn't speak to you for a month because of previous relationships before you even knew him. That is weird to me. Previous relationships shouldn't even matter. He sounds like a nut job to me. If you believe he is with another woman, then he probably is. Don't be with him just because you think you're running out of time. This guy does not deserve anyone.
You will find that perfect someone someday. He won't care about previous relationships or that you co-sleep with your daughter and he won't have a temper the size of texas. Find that man that has most of the qualities that you are looking for. You need to be happy. I say focus on your daughter now and worry about the guy later.