The Downsizing Dilemma. What to Do?

Rent the home that works best for you and your husband.
If the kids are both in college and don't like the house you decide to move into, they can bloody well get their own places.
And an adult child that moves back in with her parents is not in a position to dictate the conditions under which she will live.

We downsized too. My son went to college in another state, and my husband was traveling for work all the time. That left me and my daughter, who is medically disabled. We got an apartment because I just could not deal with the lawn mowing, gutter cleaning, occasional maintenance like a leaky sink, etc. My husband had such limited time at home that he couldn't do it. Sure, my son had to deal with the fact that there wouldn't be a guest bedroom for him, and he couldn't just have a family room available for sprawling on the couch and watching the game, but he got so busy with his school and career that pretty soon that wasn't even an option for him. Now when we get together it's for a quick bite and a beer at a local place to catch up. I think your daughter will be pretty busy too, especially as she progresses through college and prepares for grad school.

Our son is now working all the time, after graduating, and at first he needed some help with rent from time to time. But he didn't move back in with us, he got his own place. I'd tell your younger daughter to plan on getting an apartment pretty soon and that your future house plans won't be planned around her not wanting to share a room or needing a private bathroom or anything. It sounds like your daughters are going to be well educated and able to provide for themselves, with occasional help from you.

I know what it's like to have to plan your living arrangements around a family member's medical situation. Your husband's needs outweigh everything. I do suggest that you consider that you may need an extra bedroom for either yourself, sometimes, if your husband is having a bad night and you just need a couple of hours of extra sleep, or if you have to go out of town and need to have someone stay at your house to give your husband some assistance if his health situation were to deteriorate.

I would definitely suggest that you first consider amenities such as maintenance (24/7 on call), security, things that you need for living as healthfully as possible such as a pool for exercise, a lack of stairs, and 2 bathrooms and 2 bedrooms. Your daughter needs to know that she's moving on with her life and that you are planning to keep you and your husband as healthy and fit as possible, and that is that.

I'm all for not kicking kids out and paying for college and all but your husband is ill and your kids are old enough to understand that. Your oldest might not be living at home so your youngest would have her own bedroom. If they both are home, it should be short and they're sisters so sharing a room should be doable. Lots of people share their whole lives. Your youngest is in the "all about me" phase still. Someday she'll understand. I went to graduate school too but was independent about it. If she wants to go to grad school, that's on her. Sure, she can live with you if she wants but if it's not good enough for her, too bad. Most people I know were totally self sufficient by grad school. Is your older daughter going to live at home during grad school? If you know for a fact that both daughters want to live at home during grad school and you're supportive of that, I'd go with a 3 bedroom. But if none of it is clear, then do what's best for you guys. You really don't need to accommodate them.

I am a 40 something caregiver for my totally disabled husband, so I know where you are coming from! We put on a handicapped accessible addition for him to come home from the hospital. I knew I could not handle a move, at the time, and wanted to stay put for our young son and both of us.
The place you are thinking of sounds fabulous but, unless you have a first floor bedroom and bath , things could get difficult quickly. Are you prepared to move again? Can you get out of a lease for medical reasons?

As far as the number of bedrooms, you need to search your heart and your bank account. Do you want 1 or both back home? Will you be in this house long enough for a need for extra room for grandkids? I hope to always have room for my son, but I only have one child.

In my area their are options for condo type single family homes. You own your home but no outside work!

Added: someone below made an excellent point about needing an extra bedroom for you! As a caregiver you may need your own quiet space for sleeping. I sure do!

Since your daughters are away at college (you call yourselves empty nesters), so I assume they are not living at home and going to classes, and they both have had experience in living with roommates in a community-type situation. That's designed to teach them to get along with others, share small quarters and a community bathroom, etc. So there's no excuse for the sophomore to say she won't share a room with her sister on breaks. She sounds a bit immature but maybe she is retreating into her childhood when her father was healthy and she didn't have to face the adult reality of illness and amputation and wheelchairs. She needs help with the reality of adult life, so counseling is fine, but her demands are not.

If the girls are in fields that will not support them, they need to reevaluate their majors. If grad school is essential, they they do what everyone else does: they get jobs, they get loans, they go to school part-time, they work as residence hall advisors in schools with both graduate and undergrad students, they become teaching assistants, or they live in 4th floor walk-ups with bad paint jobs and tiny kitchens with some other kids. Or they work for 2 years, then go back to school. But they don't demand that you stay in a house you cannot manage.

I vote no on the town house with stairs. The green building sounds wonderful, but you need a ranch-style design with wide doors for a wheelchair and things like a low-mounted microwave (below counter) and an area to pull up to the sink in a wheelchair. You need a place with groundskeepers and no homeowner maintenance. There are a lot of over-55 communities but some may have exceptions for the disabled. Some of the homes might have a lower level that you could make into a family room/studio apartment for your daughter(s) when they visit, but which your husband wouldn't need to go into on a daily basis.

You might do well in a community with activities too - a friend of mine lives in a "co-housing" arrangement where they have small apartments, large shared space for big parties, shared maintenance equipment & tools, and a monthly community dinner. It's a way to meet people but have your own space.

There are also a lot of services (particularly run by women entrepreneurs) that help couples like you organize for downsizing, and also stage your house for optimal sale price. They are usually worth the money. I've met several in my women's networking groups and they are usually caring people who understand your situation. They expect a fair price, of course, but they can give a lot of helpful advice.

I think you make this move for yourselves. If your daughters hate it, maybe they won't come and live off you. If they can't live on their own, they can pay a small rent to you and/or live communally with friends. All my son's friends live in apartments with others their age (early-mid 20s) or in 2-3 family homes that are rented out to young professionals and grad students. Some of them have spent time living with parents (ours has done so, when he first got out of school, and when an apartment fell through and he needed some "emergency" housing). But he pays rent or some other subsidy toward food - we work it out depending on how long he's going to be here. But he very much lives in OUR home and deals with our schedules. He doesn't loaf around monopolizing the TV or expecting dinner on the table every night. He helps out a lot around the house too - he happens to be good with repairs, and he's always willing to help with moving furniture around. We play to his strengths, but he works.

You have added pressures with your husband's health. I really hope he is stable for along time, but you need to look at the stress and expense of moving twice in the next 5-10 years. That's a lot to take on, especially when most of it falls to you.

Time for you to expect your kids to step up. I think they expect to be adults when it comes to their own freedom, going out to bars or with friends, or having a big screen TV. That means they also have to be adults when it comes to Dad's situation, medical bills, financial realities, etc. They don't get to pitch a fit at age 20 because they aren't getting their way.

If they are, in fact, living with you, then you are not empty nesters. So you find a very small 3 BR ranch with an open plan for your husband, with no steps anywhere, including the entry way and the entrance from the garage. You hire a teen to mow your lawn and find a retired guy who works as a handyman as needed. And your kids kick in rent - they don't keep living with you for free on the 4-years-of-college, 2-years-of-grad-school, and the I-can't-find-a-job plan.

I have adult children who no longer live with me. You need to let your youngest daughter know that while she's entitled to her opinion she doesn't get to decide things for you and your hubby. You've raised your children and now its time to focus on yourself and your hubby's needed. Get what works for you and if your daughters aren't happy that's really not your issue.

ADD: Yeah - what Fuzzy said ;)

Original: You do what's best for you and your husband, physically and mentally. If a small staircase is good for him in terms of exercise, that's fine, but if not, avoid stairs.

And as far as the daughters go, they have to live with your decision. They have input but not the final say.

My sister and I shared a bedroom till I went to college, and I came back on breaks and stayed in my old room. I'd gotten a loft bed by then, so that was cool - more floor space. It was what it was. My mother split just before I graduated, so I lived with my grandmother for a time. I slept in the living room on a pull out couch - and I was living there full time after I got out of school till I found my own place.

So really, your daughters will just have to deal with what works best for you. If they live at home and go to school locally, then you'd need a bigger place. If they live at school, then they can deal with less than THEIR "ideal" situation for summer and breaks.

Do what is best for you and your husband financially and physically. Your youngest daughter is being very selfish! Many parent reappropriate bedrooms when their kids go off to college. There is also these things called hotels and it is perfectly acceptable to stay in one while visiting family if your not okay with the accommodations. Down the road, if you have the $ and want to buy a larger 1 story with little yard go for it. But right now you need to pay off your debts so you don't have a noose around your neck.

It could be 7 10 or even 15 years before you are a grandparent don't make decisions based on what ifs.

As a person that has a 2600 sf house that has all bedrooms upstairs, I would do a single story. I need a double knee replacement and although I only go upstairs to go to bed and then downstairs in the morning, it kills me. So I would NOT get anything with stairs considering your possible heath issues in the future.

I think a bedroom with twin beds would be fine for the girls. If the one hates it so much, she can consider moving out quicker. At age 40 when I divorced, my kids and I moved in with my mom. She technically didn't have room for us but we just made do. They will have to do the same.

We have 6 bedrooms. My kids are 12 and 15 and we are already planning on downsizing. We will probably get a 4 bedroom because we need an office. I'm already getting rid of all the clutter. My 15 yo will likely live with us until mid-20's if not longer. Pretty sure my 12 yo will be out on his 18th bday. Pretty sure at some point he will have to come home. We will always have a bedroom for them. It may only have a bed or foldout, but they will have a place to stay anytime they need to. I think that's all you need to consider for your girls. They don't need full on bedrooms. They need to be starting their lives. But honestly consider the stairs, they are awful when you have medical issues, unless there is a bedroom downstairs. Good luck.

Sorry your younger daughter is being a pain, but please don't cater to her self-centered tantrum. Do what's right for you and your husband long term. She'll adjust. She's old enough to never live at home again and that you're saving a bedroom at all for either of your girls is generous enough. Both of them are old enough to be in summer sublets or student housing. They'll be fine, really - you do what works for you and your husband and don't look back!

Boy, I might be in the minority, but you and your husband really need to plan for YOU - not what your adult children may or may not do in the future. When my first daughter left for college, she immediately lost her room to another sibling. We still had 5 kids at home - why should they continue to double up so she can "keep her space?" When the 2nd kid left for college, we moved to another part of the state (we were waiting for her to graduate HS before the move). The new home did not have a bedroom for her. Now my 3rd one is leaving for college in 2 months. She will lose her bedroom the next day so I can move my office out of my bedroom (I work from home) for the first time in 8 years. When our last 2 boys move out (they will both move to a group home due to their special needs), we will move to a smaller home that may have an office/guest room. Maybe.

One of the reasons that there are so many kids "boomeranging" back home is because they are ALLOWED to. My 2nd oldest daughter did move back home briefly. Her and the baby had to share a room with my other daughter and also with my oldest son (we rotated each week). Why? I didn't want her to get comfortable. She is a capable adult. She is capable of working and earning a living, even with a baby. I did it, you probably did it, we all did it. She stayed just under 3 months before she did find her own place and now lives 6 blocks from me.

This college aged generation is really not the "boomerang" generation, but rather the "generation of entitlement". I have tons of clients who are having significant financial problems because they are supporting adult children living in their home.

Good luck!

You have done your job raising your daughters. It is now time to do what is best for you and your husband.
For what it is worth...I have knee and foot issues...I will be glad to have my bedroom on the first floor when we downsize.

If you build it, they will come. My in-laws built a nice home for their retirement. It is now full to the rafters with my sister law and her family who has decided to stay on well past the initial few months agreed upon. While I fault my in-laws for this situation for failing to enforce good boundaries, having less space for people to move into would have helped the original question of moving back in - no because there isn't room. You and your husband are done raising children and should focus on yourselves especially because your husband has health issues. My father in law has health issues and the overcrowded house is most certainly not helping him. I would lower your monthly expenses and find a house suitable for both of your health states now and a few years in the future. Your children can accommodate your housing because they are grownups and that is what grownups do – act civilized. Good luck.

You make the move for yourself as empty nesters.

It sounds like you already found a rental you love in a community you love. You have to consider yourself and especially your husband first, and therefore you can't rent the three-story place, and it sounds like the two-story is ideal. So that's what you need to do.

In a very short time your younger daughter will mature and realize that she's not a little girl any more and that she's not going to live with mommy and daddy forever, if ever again. I mean, really, "I want a large living space, I don’t want to share a room with my sister” are the comments that one might expect from a teenager, not a college student with plans for grad school. Your daughter is probably about 20; my experience is that young females finally outgrow the last of their immaturity and illogic at about age 22, and become lovely rational creatures who cease to make self-centered comments about sharing rooms with their siblings and wanting large living spaces.

All of this college should be preparing your daughter to live on her own, not boomerang back home. If there's nowhere for her to stay in your home, she'll be forced to live elsewhere or sleep on a sofa, which will propel her to get self-sufficient pretty quickly. Necessity is the mother of invention. There are ways to live cheaply, if you have enough roommates (my college kids currently have four each), and anyway your daughter should have a job when she's not in school. I don't expect any of my kids to boomerang after college (nice as it is to have them on occasion), and if they do it will be with the expectation that they are making plans to move out and get on with their lives.

With two bedrooms you have an extra room for a guest or the temporary lodging of one adult child. IMO being a young person with roommates is a lot more fun than hanging with mom and dad, so I don't think it's a hardship to expect young adults to find ways to make it on their own.

Once they leave the nest, one finds that the young, energetic, capable little birds move on with the adventures of their own lives pretty quickly, and there you are facing decrepitude and old age on your own. You need to do what works best for you.

ETA: Love Fuzzy's answer. I should have just copied and pasted that.

Do what is best for you and hubby. We are empty nesters as well. Our son is starting his senior year and will graduate in May 2016.

My husband and I are talking about this as well. Our youngest will graduate from university May 2016. I would like to get a one story and hubby would too without a pool. We just can't decide where. Our son, isn't sure where he is going to end up so, who knows.

Do what you need to do for your and your husband. Honestly, your daughter will just have to adapt. =)

ETA: It is nice to have that home to come home to but after are grown and on your own it is not the same. Have you ever considered the cost and upkeep on that home when there are only two people rambling around in it? Life goes on and health issues and jobs change. There are hotels nearby for extra family members to stay in and it gives everyone a break and a chance to regroup from each other. After all you are not the same. It's called nostalgia.

Original: You are the adults that must live in the house/apartment/condo. Find a single story home that you both can live in and enjoy and live maintenance free.

Do it for you guys and not your younger daughter who does not live with you. Is she going to pay for the yardman to do the work? Is she going to foot some of your bills?

Yes the memories are nice to have but reality is what is needed. Good luck on your new home with all the amenities you guys want to have and enjoy your time together.

the other S.

You have raised your daughters and need to do what's best for you and your husband. While your younger daughter may not "like" it well that's too bad. Has she always "liked" everything in her life? I hope not, because that means she's a young woman with no coping skills for the real world.
That doesn't mean that you don't continue to offer her shelter and food as she makes her way into the world (I certainly wouldn't throw my grown children out on the street) but now it's HER turn to make the same sacrifices and compromises you've made for her all these years.
It's called the circle of life.

I know you are debating between a 2 bed and a three bed.

In case anyone out there says to H with the kids, save some real bucks and get a one bed, I say think twice. There may come a time, due to health considerations, or because of changing sleep patterns as you age, for one or both of you that you might want to have a second bedroom so as to get some effective sleep. The 2nd bedroom will probably largely be unused, by your daughters, but it might prove handy down the line for one or both of you, for the occassional guest, or for the future grand kiddies.

Best,
F. B.

Ask your younger daughter when she plans to move in with you to help out since you can't meet her requirements and do it all yourself. Once she stops sputtering tell her your glad she agrees you should move to a place that meets your current needs. :)

FWIW my hubby and I have jobs that can be done remotely so we have already told the kids that when the youngest is in her second year of college we will be traveling around the country for a while; 3 - 6 months in each place. Kids are 9 & 11, so they have plenty of time to get used to the idea, lol.

M. I can relate to all you have written with the exception of the amputation. My husband has been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis. It was actually diagnosed about 4 years ago. It has aadvanced pretty quickly and he is struggling. He will be taking early retirement at 55. Not because he wants to be because he is not able to work like he used to. We have a 2700 square foot home with bedrooms upstairs. We have the house on the market and are moving south to southern illinois. We bought a house which is for OUR retirement. None of the kids live at home anymore except the youngest. Our kids are not really thrilled with it. but they all have their own lives now. we are taking the 20 year old with us. but he is ony in 2nd year of college this coming fall. You need to tell your daughter what we did. If you want us to have the big house you need to commit to moving home and taking care of it. And that includes the upkeep of the outdoors. Why on earth do they think your retirement should be about them? you have given them a good start. tell them to fly away lol. Like you I worry about the stairs for my husband in a few years. our new home has everything on the first floor that we need including laundry and bathroom and bedroom. upstairs there are 2 rooms. a room for our son and a guest room and bathroom will be put in shortly after we move in. (converting some attic space for that) I would get at least 2 bedrooms and when the girls visit they will use the GUEST room. As they are adults and have moved out. Anyone who comes to visit can use that or get a hotel room. I have for 33 years been raising kids. It is time for us to have time and space for ourselves.

Your children are grown and will be OK on their own. It sounds like your one child doesn't want to let go, but once she is done with school she is going to want to go her own way.

Right now you need to do what's best for you and your husband. Also, not all young people are moving back home, there are plenty that are doing just fine out in the world.

Go for the 2 bedroom with less stairs in the awesome, ecogreen community you love. Your college educated daughters can and will make other arrangements. You need to protect you and your husband's finances. The kids don't have the life experience to understand that.

I wouldn't plan on a boomerang. As a matter of fact, as much as I love my children, if I were in your situation, I simply wouldn't allow it. Stay for a week or two while their new place is being readied? Come for a visit for a few days? Sure. Come back home to live after graduating? Nope. Once you leave the nest, you don't get to live there anymore.

It sounds like your youngest still has it in her head that mom and dad's house is "her" house too. I'd gently remind her that, while she's welcome to visit, she is an adult now and does not get to have input in your home buying or financial decisions. Furthermore, I'd make it clear that you will not be giving she and her sister their own rooms and living spaces in your home. Shame on her for being so snooty about it. If they come visit, they can stay in the guest room/office/sewing room just like everyone else. And hey....if there were circumstances beyond anyone's control and they did boomerang back home and you didn't have space, they wouldn't stay long, would they? Moving back in with mom and dad shouldn't be a comfy experience, in my opinion.

You need to do what you need to do. Your kids are grown, living their own lives. It's unlikely that they will arrange their own move and housing based on your needs.

Makes no sense to have a large house and yard to take of when you're dealing with serious health issues. I suggest you look at several differentry forms of housing and buy the one that meets your needs. Unless you move into a studio, your daughter's can find ways to make this move work.

I suggest that having Mom and Dad move is emotional. My brothers do not want to sell our parents house and they are in their 50s. My daughter, 34, wants me to stay in my house so she can have it when I die. I understand their pain. I feel sad, moving away from the home I've lived in for 30 years. My parents lived in their house 40 or so years.

Your daughters are just beginning there lives away from home. It's time to let go of the juvenile years and move on to the adult years. They don't know where they will settle. Often, kids move cross country. There you will be with a house, apartment, condo that isn't right for you.

I urge you to buy what you want for yourself, only giving minor consideration to your daughter's reasonable wishes. If they have to share a room when they visit, they can adjust.

Updated

You need to do what you need to do. Your kids are grown, living their own lives. It's unlikely that they will arrange their own move and housing based on your needs.

Makes no sense to have a large house and yard to take of when you're dealing with serious health issues. I suggest you look at several differentry forms of housing and buy the one that meets your needs. Unless you move into a studio, your daughter's can find ways to make this move work.

I suggest that having Mom and Dad move is emotional. My brothers do not want to sell our parents house and they are in their 50s. My daughter, 34, wants me to stay in my house so she can have it when I die. I understand their pain. I feel sad, moving away from the home I've lived in for 30 years. My parents lived in their house 40 or so years.

Your daughters are just beginning there lives away from home. It's time to let go of the juvenile years and move on to the adult years. They don't know where they will settle. Often, kids move cross country. There you will be with a house, apartment, condo that isn't right for you.

I urge you to buy what you want for yourself, only giving minor consideration to your daughter's reasonable wishes. If they have to share a room when they visit, they can adjust.

Your daughter is just being a pain in the ***. You do what you need to do for the two of you. I'm sure your kids don't even think about all the stuff that goes with being disabled for you and your husband. They are adults now and if they move back in with you they get what they get for rooms or they have the choice to not live at your house. I think we all think way to much of what our adult children need and not enough of what we need. Good luck. If it was me I would pick the place with amenities if it works out for your husband to get upstairs. Nice one levels are very hard to find.

I suggest you don't think of this in terms of really long term issues. This is one of the benefits of renting. Do what works for you now. If/when it doesn't work for you, then move to a place that does.

It sounds to me like the 2 bedroom is the best place for you now. The amenties are so nice, and it sounds like you want and are able to use them. The pools and gym might even help your DH do his own PT, and that might help him stay healthy.

I'm guessing your older child in grad school won't be home for long breaks anymore (grad schools don't usually take breaks for summer). So really, your kids only have to share a room for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter most likely. Your younger child can deal with it.

If one or the other child boomerangs home, you have space in the 2 bedroom. If both do, well, that won't be for a while (2 years of college plus 3 years of grad school for the younger) and you can deal with it then - again, that's the benefit of renting. You can change your mind later if you need to.

Good luck!

I am so sorry about your husband. I'm sure that this has been a real blow to you both. I'm also sorry about your daughter. She is acting like a spoiled brat and is incredibly selfish. Of all things, her father lost his leg and all she can think about is a private bedroom? What is wrong with her?

You really need to find the right situation for you and your husband. Honestly, you need to get a first floor apartment that has one floor - not even one flight of stairs. And you should plan for just you and your husband - not for your girls to live with you. They are grown up now. They will need to find roommates to help share costs and they'll need to get part time jobs. And if your younger daughter doesn't understand, too bad. She has a lot of growing up to do.

Your medical debt has to be paid ahead of the girls. You have to tell them that point blank. It doesn't matter that "more and more college-age kids...are coming back home". Not yours. Your circumstances are about your own survival now. You are very young, being in your 40's. You HAVE to safeguard your own future so that you don't end up in the streets. I PROMISE you that your younger daughter isn't going to take you into her home when you've lost all you have catering to her every whim.

There are some retirement communities out there with the amenities you are looking for. Even though they are usually exclusively for over 50, with your husband's disability, they might accept you. Though your girls could visit, they would not be allowed to live there, which would help them stand up on their own two feet and make a living, rather than mooching off of you. And it would also give you an excuse to stand up to your daughter. I think you might really need that.

If you think I'm just talking out of my head and this bedroom thing, my parents moved my freshman year in college, and when I came home to visit, I slept with my 5 year old sister in her room. Did I think I was good for that? NO. Don't put up with this from your daughter.

Oh, and by the way, my older son just graduated from college. He is sharing an apartment with 2 other people. He is not living with me. I have given him plenty of incentive to work hard in his new job because he is not coming home to be a mama's boy. He has to make his own way in the world. (He can always come visit, but not live with us.)

Take the burden away and take out a spread sheet. Put in the expense of the two homes you consider. This price difference you could potentially spend on a hotel or a rental if your daughter visits or move back. The reality is that you will never use this money for that reason but you immediately have a reality check that it would be crazy to get a bigger place for the sake of the emotions of your children which do not even know of what brings the future.
Use this saved money to pay off your bills you saved to get a smaller place and enjoy your time with your husband

I recommended to my parents that they downsize once we were all out of the house. But i didn't see how short sided that was. My mom said, "no way, I want a place my kids can come home too." Speaking from the adult child perspective, I loved the safety and security of having my parents in the home I grew up in and knowing there was an invitation for me to come back if I ever needed to. I took them up on this right after graduating college and breaking off an engagment. I only stayed 2 months, but it was the most important few months of my life and I needed their sanctuary to get my head on straight and make a new plan.

Then, having moved out of state, and starting my own family, I cannot tell you what it means to know that my sisters and I can come back with our families and have a place to stay for visits and holidays. My mom turned all of our closets into little nurseries. I loved loved loved that my kids had a crib at grandmas house. Keeping their large 4 bedroom house as proven to be an enormous blessing.

All things being equal (and thats the key here) I think it best when empty nesters can keep their large homes for their kids to come back to. Even if its just for the holidays and visits. But not all things are equal. And you may have to sacrifice that future family togetherness to meet your unique needs. Perhaps your daughters will establish themselves locally. Perhaps they won't marry or have grandkids and the space will not be a big issue for visiting.

Your daughter is being bratty and demanding about it. But I do think it is a real loss of security for young adult children when parents up root and downsize. I think if you acknowledge the real feelings driving her opinionatedness, it would help her feel understood and that may help her keep her thoughts and feeling to herself, knowing you are weighing it all.

If it were me, I'd spend more time looking into a space where the master bed and living areas are downstairs. Even look into homes built with ADA standards.

You have to make a choice that is best for you, but don't be so short sided that you cannot see how much you will enjoy having both daughters, their husbands, and potential grandkids under one roof.

You need to make the decisions that are best for YOU and YOUR HUSBAND and NOT give in to your daughter's demands. Really, she should have absolutely no say in whatever choice you make.

If you WANT the kids to move back in someday (like I do), certainly make the choice that would accommodate that...but do it because that's what YOU want, NOT because your daughter is demanding it.

Sorry to hear your husband has been ill. That's always hard. I see where you have many factors to consider.

I wouldn't worry about your children here. Plenty of parents make changes, move, re-do their houses, etc. when kids leave home. And why worry about what could be (them having to move home) when making plans? Better to think of "what would our ideal situation be for OUR needs?".

I have a illness that leaves me immobile at times. Stairs are a real challenge. We ended up in a home that has lots of little stairs. I cannot do a full set when I'm not well. We also have two bedrooms - otherwise I would keep my husband up when I'm not well.

I can't imagine me in a townhouse. If your husband finds stairs difficult, I would just nix that idea.

I don't know how Lupus progresses or if it does (hopefully not too much)... but it's worth thinking long term and restrictions or special considerations as to what he will be able to manage on his own. For me, when we moved, we looked at convenience.

Maybe a place with little to no yard work and little to do in home repairs is the way to go. And affordability. We don't know what health costs I'll incur going forward (still a bit hard to predict) better not to leave yourself short.

I would just explain to your daughters that your priority at this point is your husband's needs and that you hope they are mature enough in college to understand that it's not all about them at this point. Certainly welcome them home - but that's what foldaway beds are for, etc.

Good luck :)

Get the book - The Opposite of Spoiled and read it. Then tell your younger daughter to stuff it.

My husband and I moved our friends from a three story townhouse to a one story flat villa style "townhouse" in January. He had been having mobility difficulties due to a brain tumor for three years and by that point had resorted to using his arms to haul himself up and down stairs. They gave up a bedroom (3/2.5 to a 2/2) and they have two children, 5 and 7. Best move ever - since he had to move to a wheelchair in May.

The nice thing about renting for awhile is that it is temporary - try the 2 bedroom in the community you are interested in and see how it goes. Do not plan for a boomerang situation. Tell your children that they are grown-ups now and it is time for them to do just that. Allow your children to pack up their rooms and decide what they want to keep and what they want to get rid of - if they still have things from early childhood, you may want to save some for grandkids. Whatever they want to keep that you don't want, must move to their apartments.

You and your husband have raised them and it sounds like you educated them so it is time to do what is best for you and that is downsize and get your finances in order so that you both can be comfortable going forward. Keeping your husband as healthy as possible should be at the top of the list. If your youngest can't understand that, then too bad.

I would downsize. In fact, although my children are younger (5 and 8), we already did - to make our lives easier and our commute shorter. We moved from the suburbs and big house to very small house in the downtown area. My boys will walk to school next year (3 blocks) and my husband and I have a 6 minute commute to work - important because my husband has epilepsy and doesn't drive.

Cheers,
C.

I think that your kids need to sit down with both of you and have a family meeting.

They either live with you and go to school or they live in their apartments and come visit mom and dad. IF their primary residence is your home then you need a bedroom for each of them and the condo isn't what you get to have yet, you're still raising your kids and they live at home.

On the other hand if they are living on their own and just come visit then you can do what you want. Just make sure they take all their personal belongings with them. Anything they leave is going to be donated or thrown away.

In all honesty it sounds like you've jumped the gun by selling your house. If they live there when they're out of school then you have to have a house that is for your whole family.

So, are they still living at home and just going off to school but coming on on school breaks? Or are they living on their own year round and they go to school while they live in their own homes?

You also might need to keep looking until you find a place with no stairs.

Please get the house that will be easiest for you to take care of from a cost and maintenance standpoint. With all of the medical issues your husband has and the debt incurred to address the issues, the last thing you want to worry about is upkeep. Go with a single floor home, too. With an amputated leg, I can't believe a multi-level home is even on the table. Over time, both you and your husband's health will deteriorate. Stairs don't help.

As for your daughter, maybe you could show her all of the bills and see what she has to say if you need to stop paying her tuition in order to cover the cost of keeping the big house and keep yourselves afloat. She may change her tune then. Don't plan for either daughter to boomerang back. Young people's plans change so often that even my parents know enough not to move where we are because we could pick up and move at anytime depending on what happens with my husband's work - and you and I are about the same ages.

Good luck with handling what sounds like a very difficult situation.

Everyone has given you great advice. All I want to add is feel free to buy or rent with as many stairs as you need to. You can have one of those chairs installed on the stairway that you sit in and ride up and down the staircase. I can't for the life of me think of the name of it. I'm sure someone will come up with a name. Good luck to both of you.

I think it would be nice if you all sat down together and discussed the situation. We don't "owe" it to our children to hangon to childhood homes, etc.

You say you are selling your house and you are looking to rent something else? Maybe I read that wrong but when you sell, you have a set number of months to buy something else or you face heavier taxes. If you rent, then you are building no equity.

As for the steps, If I were in your situation with your hubby, I would not purchase anything with steps involved.

I am sorry you are going through so much. Do you think your children just have a heart string attached to the house?

Our daughter will be a college Jr and she is also looking to go straight to grad school. Right now she lives in a condo we purchased about 20 minutes away from us and she is 10-15 minutes from campus. She LOVES her condo and does not want us to sell it when she goes to grad school. Bottom line, she knows the condo will be deeded to her and she will be able to use it for a down payment on a new home if she chooses. We have a better relationship with her now than we ever did. She came over yesterday for Father's Day and just decided to spend the night. She is coming back later this afternoon to cook out again and join me watching the Bachelorette which is something we've done together for years. I never ever discourage her from coming over... however, my upstairs is pretty empty right now since she took most of it to move into her condo.

At this point, she plans to live in our area after grad school. Our area is booming with business opportunities and it is a great place to live.

As for our home where she grew up... the big question.... what do we do. We are inclined to hang onto our home. We are on a large wooded lot, we have privacy both of which are HUGE positive factors for us. We will have to hire someone to do the yard because it is a huge job. That would happen if I were here alone or as hubby ages and no longer does it himself.

Daughter lived upstairs all her life with that area dedicated to her....3 bedrooms, 2 bath, library and game room. We used to joke that if there was a kitchen, we'd never see her, LOL.

Hubby has moved his office upstairs since we both work from home. I work downstairs based in the MIL suite so I am closer to the door, am in the know about what is going on, I can easily do some laundry, kitchen work while I am up and about.

We will probably keep our home because of the investment (of course the taxes will go up but the value has more then doubled since we built plus we have steady upgrades). We are open about our daughter getting this house to raise her family and we move somewhere smaller... STILL... we would not rent, no way, ever.

I know it will be harder for a lot of students to purchase a first home. I am not afraid my daughter would come back here to live with us. She grew up with us preaching delayed gratification and no debt. She was raised with the idea in her head of personal responsibility and so far, she is exceeding our expectations.

I also think you sold your house a little too quickly before you got everything on the table about options for your family.