The Constant Bickering Is Driving Me Nuts!

If I walk in from a very busy day, I do not want people coming at me immediately. Need some time to just catch my breath. Think the six year old is the same way. Keep the little one away from the big one until she has a snack and catches her breath.

The fact is that, even though they're sisters, they aren't peers. They're not developmentally on the same level and it's unfair to expect them to be playmates.

Separate them. If your older daughter wants to initiate play, that's fine, but don't allow your 3 year old to force her way in just because she hates to be away from her sister. 3 year olds have terrible boundaries and she would monopolize ALL of her big sister's time if given the choice. They play nicely in the morning. They can sit with the family at dinner. They can watch movies together. But expecting them to always be together is just too much. Even if they are in the same room, it's up to you, mom, to say, "leave your big sister alone and go play with your dolly."

Big sister is likely asking nicely to be left alone at first, but when little sister won't let up and has your support, big sis doesn't have the emotional tools to know how to retreat. And it doesn't sound like you're allowing her to do so.

ETA: I did want to say that, while the book Tracy mentioned sounds great, it's unlikely and unrealistic that your 3 year old has the communication, critical thinking and problem solving skills necessary to utilize that method. Perhaps in a couple more years.

Your 6 yr old needs some alone time after school to decompress. She has had demands on her all day and she has been around a lot of people all day. Your 3 yr old has been alone all day and is thrilled that her playmate is home and immediately wants her sisters attention. It is a tough situation.

Teach your girls about space. Sit them on the floor and create a big circle around each of them and you with some yarn or string. Talk about how important it is that we each have our own space and that we respect each others space. Have each of you step into each others space and see how that feels. Also, have the girls play with each other while they have their own space even if the yarn gets moved really close to them so they can physically be close enough to play. Talk about how important it is to let people know when you need a little more space, etc. This is the beginning of teaching your girls about good boundaries which will be vital for them in life.

"My little one hates to be apart from her sister." It is okay for her to not like it. Too often we get caught up in the belief system that our children should not feel bad/negative emotions. Actually, that is impossible. What we can do is teach them appropriate ways to fully feel their emotions.

If your little one is frustrated that she can't be with her sister immediately, acknowledge this by stating, "I know that it is so frustrating to not be with your sister right now." Then give her paper and crayons and tell her to put her feelings on the paper. You will probably need to actually show her. So say, "This is mom's frustration." And maybe scribble in orange. Then say, "This is mom's sad" and maybe create a cloud in front of the sun or just scribble in gray. Be creative and let her go in any creative direction she will with it.

I hope your six year old isn't the three year old's only friend. Bickering was always a sign my kids needed to go outside and play with their friends. Problem solved.

If we bickered, my mom would have us go scrub the grout with toothbrushes and baking soda. It kept us busy and out of her hair for as long as 1/2 an hour. It also made for a very clean bathroom.

other jobs we were made to do(mind you we grew up in an apartment in the 70s, so there were no outside chores)- shuck peas, scrub the baseboards, wash the windows, dust the radiators, pick through the lentils, count coins for deposit, inventory the pantry, fold laundry, dust, polish the silver, shine the shoes.

Best,
F. B.

Best,
F. B.

Your 3 yr old is lonely.
Try having her in pre-school or take her on some play dates.
Then she won't be pestering her older sister.
Coming home from school is a lot like coming home from work.
Your 6 yr old needs some down time (and possibly a nap - my son napped till he was 7yrs old and he was a BEAR in the afternoons if he didn't get a nap).
I would not be trying to force togetherness right now.
They are at different points in their development and neither can understand what the other is going through.
Once they are each a bit more independent, they'll be ok with playing together for awhile and know that when either gets irritated/angry that it's ok to walk away rather than engage in battle.
I sure wish my Mom didn't insist on me and my sister being together all the time (I'm the oldest by 22 months) - we're just not compatible personalities and we could not WAIT to get away from each other!

Additional:
My Mom's approach was to 'let the kids handle their problems so they'll learn how'.
It was the worst bunch of BS that ever came out of a parenting book.
The way kids solve problems is to knock the other kid down and sit on them.
My sister and I fought till we moved away from home.
We STILL don't get along and I'm 52 now.
It's not a matter of you taking sides or not taking sides - you can't allow fighting - you must enforce the peace and not allow either of them to hurt the other (my scalp is numb to this day from all the hair pulling I endured).
If they can't play nice together then they don't play together.
There's nothing wrong with that.

What does your 3 yr old do all day? Does she have any activities that keep her engaged and socialized?

I realize a 6 yr old is young but I believe all children as well as adults need a bit of "down time" to adjust when they get home from school or work. This is time used to decompress, calm yourself from a busy day, regroup for the next phase of the day/evening.

Allow your 6 yr old to chill out a little while and not be met at the door with a 3 yr old demanding her attention. Maybe use this time to do something on your own with your 3 yr old so your 6 yr old can mentally prepare for the rest of her day.

your 6 year old has been with her friends all day, then has to re-adjust to 'baby' sister when she gets in. it's quite a mental switch.
be firm with the 3 year old. she has got to give her sister some space when she first gets home from school, so she can switch gears, grab a snack, do her homework, talk to you about her day. once she's had a chance to catch her breath and click back over to the home groove, then it's sister time. might help to have a particular small daily treat for the little one so she's less whiny about having to keep her mitts off her sister- maybe a favorite video, or she (quietly) helps mommy make sister's snack or fix dinner, or takes a nap.
khairete
S.

They bicker becuase they don't have to figure out how to solve their issues becuase mom always swoops in and fixes it. We moms want peace - we want our kids to get along so we tell them what to do all the time. But as they get older they need to begin to figure it out themselves.

Your older child is getting home from school - from an environment where she has to keep the peace even when things aren't fair, when the kid next to her is bugging her, when other kids don't control control themselves, etc. So when she gets home she can express whatever she feels. On one hand it's a good thing that she knows she is loved unconditionally at home - on the other hand she and her sister are making themselves - and you crazy.

Start by setting the stage the night before and in the morning - tell them "When you two get along and work out your differences I'm so proud of you both. I see how you get along and figure things out, you both share, etc. But in the afternoon when we're all a little tired and cranky and need a snack you both begin to fight a little and I'm very unhappy about it. So - I think we need to come up with some good ideas of how you can solve your problems. maybe make up some rules so you can both treat each other the way you want to be treated" (the golden rule) Then ask them for ideas - help your older child wirte them down - use colorful markers, decorate it - then hang it on the fridge.

Remind them in the morning, tell them "this afternoon you are both going to figure out how to get along - I know you can do it and I'm going to be so proud when I see you both working together". Remind them again when your 6 yr old gets home from school - show her the ideas/guidelines they came up with. Use only positive comments "you guys are doing a gret job sharing the computer" "I love to see you both laughing together" (give them hugs and kisses lots of positive responsese from mom)

Then keep up with the encouragement. When they begin to bicker remind them - from the other room with a very neutral voice - that they need to use their rules/ideas/guidelines to solve the problem them selves. Fight the urge to get in the middle. Unless someone is getting hurt stay out of it.

Continue with the positive reinforcement - comments, hugs, tousled hair - even a special treat when they've had a few good afternoons in a row. Remind them at bedtime what they've doing. cooment on any positive stuff you saw - don't mention the negative. Ignore it. remind them again the next morning and the nex afternoon. Kids need to be reminded of things about a thousand times before it sticks (OK - maybe 350 times...)

We need to take our kids by the hand and show them how to do things the right way instead of just barking at them and telling them they're doing things the wrong way. As a mom of teens my husband and I had to learn this the hard way and have to re-learn it all the time. Like kids we to have to be reminded of things about 350 times before it sticks...

Good luck mama - they'll figure it out. ;o)

Get this book: "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!": The Solution to Sibling Bickering" by Anthony Wolf. It's available on amazon. It is the best parenting book I have read. His view is that the cause of sibling bickering is to get a parent to take sides. His solution is Don't take sides. Don't listen to the bickering & when the fighting becomes annoying to you, you separate the kids. (You also separate them if they are physically hurting each other etc.) When your child comes to you with a complaint, "He's not giving me my turn!" Etc. You respond with innocuous comments, "That must be really frustrating". But you don't "fix it" & you don't take sides. It's a hands- off approach, but when your kids realize you will not be the judge in their disputes, they solve it themselves which is what you want.
The book is filled with real life scenarios that are completely relatable and really funny.
I started following this method when my older kids were 4 & 6. They are 12 & 13 (girl & boy) and are good friends. I am now using Wolf's method with my younger ones that are 6 & 4.
It's a simple method. It works.

Good Luck & Hang in there!
T. Y
SAHM of 5 (13, 12, 6, 4 & 2)

Get a routine going where as soon as your older gets home they sit down to do home work. Reading or teaching letters shapes etc. Have a few minutes of sharing time. What did you do today Jane ok Sally your turn what did you do today. Our the old standby for us if you fight you work give them both jobs to do lol

I sympathize with you. But why does separating them only work for a short time? Separate them again - without yelling (since that's what they're doing). And again. And again. The 3 year old only needs 3 minutes to get the message (that's a common guideline for kids, 1 minute per year of age). The 3 yo should be reintroduced to her sister after 3 minutes, and if the bickering starts again, separate them again. The 6 yo is fine with it, probably because she gets to do something she likes and do it in peace. So that means to not let her be someone she's enjoying. Don't leave her in front of the TV or send her to her room if there's something fun to do in there (like a TV or a computer or a snack).

The immediate goal is not to get them to play nicely. The goal is to get the back behavior and the noise and the whining to stop. So what they get sent to do has to be a lot less fun than what's at hand. This will drive you absolutely nuts for about 3 days. It will be harder for you than for them. But don't give up - be insanely consistent. You won't get anything else done and that's okay.

They are getting a payoff for this behavior - they are getting attention from the other one, and from you. It's possible that they are getting to do something fun by themselves - sometimes parents get them each something (toy, activity) that will shut off the noise - which teaches them that they get something good if they fight. That's what you have to take away.

You separate them, you take any anything good from their rooms so that the rooms are spartan. My advice is to let them keep books and anything really special that comforts them (stuffed animal, special blanket, etc.). Definitely take away anything breakable so nothing suffers from their initial frustration for the first few days.

Take away anything enjoyable - even if it means packing things up and putting them in the attic! Even if the fight is about who had something first, it doesn't matter - if they are fighting and whining and touching each other, they both lose that object or TV show or whatever it is. Make SURE that you tell them THEY caused this - it's not Mean Mommy, it's their choice to not handle things fairly, gently, reasonably quietly. THEY can't get along, THEY can't follow rules. But Mom is following the rules because the rule is, if you fight, you go to your room.

Try to understand where they are coming from. The 6 yo just came from a classroom of 20 kids in which she had to share, stay in line, and be just one of the group. She comes home to being the big kid, the one who has not been there all day, and with a 3 yo waiting for her desperately. She has to adjust to a 3 yo way of thinking. She just wants to take what she wants and play with it. Meantime, the 3 yo has had your attention all day, and has her big sis come in and now suddenly there's someone new to hang out with but who wants to have certain toys. Suddenly the 3 yo has to share, so she's going to take what she wants and hold on to it. So you have immediate conflict.

Your goal has to be to stop the yelling every time one of them doesn't get her way. Which means you have to suck it up and not yell about this - which is going to be hard! Just be businesslike, giving them as little attention as possible while you achieve your goal (separation). Leave them in separate, no-fun rooms for 3 minutes. Bring them back out, but remove the one item they were fighting over, and leave it in your possession for a day. Tell them "no yelling" or "no whining" (be very specific, nothing like "you need to get along" because it's too vague for the 3 yo especially). If it starts up again, say a very concise but stern comment like "no touching - hands off!" and separate them again. 3 minutes later, out they come. Do not engage either of them for 3 minutes. And so on. After about 4 times, they will either stop, or one of them will melt down completely. If they stop, great. If there's a meltdown, then they stay in the room a lot longer. Use a kitchen timer if you have to, put up high where they can't reach it.

Now, once calm is achieved, it may be that the 6 yo needs a little re-entry time, so if that's the case, just schedule a calm snack at the table when she first comes home, with the 3 yo there, but then each of them gets to tell the other something about their day so far. Then they get to find an activity they can enjoy together, such as the 6 yo showing her work or the 3 yo saving a project or picture to give to her sister at that special time. Or they can play separately, which is fine and at least peaceful.

When the older one gets home from school...that was my problem.

Rather than us screaming all day and the kids fighting, I use the after-care program until 6pm. Now everyone is happy and the 6 YO loves it there.

Don't go nuts!

I agree with Fanged. To an extent you can try to ward off the bickering with thoughtful ways to make everyone happy, but bottom line: Kids fight if they can get away with it. Getting separated isn't a reckoning that makes them decide against the next brawl.

When my 3 kids go at it, if I'm in a tolerant mood, I let them fight for a while. But if it gets to be too much, or I'm not in the mood to hear it, or they start crying and tattling, or it's not a good time for it, or we're at someone else's house, or in public, I issue a serious warning to knock it off. If they were to continue they'd get serious consequences and they know it, so they stop.

You can't really let them take all the time in the world to figure it out on their own. Sometimes you have to just make them stop and they can with enough...incentive.