Can any of you relate to this?
I'm 45. I have two beautiful little girls. The second one I had when I was 42. After a lot of fertility treatment. I went to see my OB/GYN, and asked about Essure. He said he favored leaving me alone due to the length of time and effort it took to get pregnant with our second.
I think we are done. My girls are in a good place right now, and they are getting just a bit more able to do for themselves (just a tiny bit!). But each time my period comes, I still sort of mourn that two is it for me. Having another baby would put the brakes on a lot of stuff I want to do within the next year. So, it makes sense that I would want to stop after 2. But why is there that crazy mourning that happens when each period shows up. I am well into perimenopause now. My periods are wacky as hell. I use no contraception.
Am I nuts?
E.
I personally believe that longing is given to us by the Lord; without our desire the human race would die out because noone would want a child.
You and your DH will know what's right for your family. I bet that even if you choose not having another is best, that you will still have the desire.
(:
No, you are not nuts. You are mourning the 'what could have been'. Even though I have had three children, I still sometimes feel like you do. In fact, I was given a choice to tie my tubes during the last c-section and even though I was 40 and the baby was my third, I could not do it. (Probably should have; but at the same time, couldn't.)
And yes, though I am thankful my baby girl is here, the brakes are on a lot of things, we thought we would do with our older children who are 10 and 7. It's okay, that we can't do certain activities but it certainly changes your lifestyle.
No, not nuts.....just realizing that you are getting older and sometimes that is not only depressing, but causes to re-evaluate our life......and that's ok.........
Get you a piece of paper......put pro's on one side, make a line down the middle and put cons on the other.........then go in and list what having another child would not only do to YOU but what it would mean for your girls as well......what you can and wouldn't be able to do for them or with them if another baby comes along....
Be sure to add finances in there too......so you know that for the next 18+ years you are going to be caring for at least two kids, and if you decide, then another one......If you have the baby at 46....when it turns 18, going off to college, you will be......64......will you be able to see them get married, be around for your grand kids, etc.........these are all good things to think about......
I think it's your pre-menapause setting in......which causes you to rethink things........so think about it, and make the decision that is best for you and your family......only your family can make that decision.....no one else....
Take care and good luck.
Women tend to be especially attuned to mothering. It's built into us physically and hormonally, and it often becomes a huge part of our self-identities. You're experiencing the downside of that wonderful gift. It's often hard to watch our children keep growing and developing, leaving our arms or our days less occupied. And we can become so focused on unfulfilled desires that the family we already have, no matter how wonderful, somehow becomes "not enough."
Sometimes it's possible to come closer to peace and understanding by these means:
1. Initiate a practice of mindful appreciation for what is already available. This takes us out of our past, out of our dreams, and out of an imagined sense of loss which may never become more than a faint sketch in our souls. It puts us squarely into our lives. We usually discover there is so much richness right here that our longings, fears and hopes become far less significant. Happiness and satisfaction increase exponentially. And living in a wished-for future blinds us to how much joy and sheer amazement exist now. Now is the only moment that is real, and too often our thoughts, desires and fears keep us from experiencing it.
2. Turn some of your available love toward other children who desperately need it. Hospital nurseries often need volunteers to snuggle babies born with exceptional medical or family needs. Or make yourself available to other young moms who could use your wisdom, experience, and time so that they can get a desperately-needed break.
3. Make an extensive list of pros and cons. Give it some real time and attention. There are always good reasons to have another child – usually based on feelings, which can fluctuate with health, hormones, age, and the general state of satisfaction with our lives. There are as many good reasons not to have another – usually these arise from practical considerations, including a good, clear-eyed look into your future for the next 18 years or so. Creating another person has enormous consequences, for the parents, siblings, and the world at large. There is no higher-impact choice a family is ever likely to make.
Blessings to you and yours.
....it is a form of 'empty nest.' When our kids, are no longer 'babies'... we miss that period of our life. Then we sort of 'long' for another baby.
Its normal. It happens. Even to me.
But I know... my 2 kids are enough for me. I could have more, my Hubby wouldn't mind.. but, in all realism... 2 is enough for me.
And, I just have to go through the 'rite of passage' that all Moms do.... and 'adjust' to the fact that my kids are growing up and are no longer 'babies.'
It is a milestone awareness... and adjustment. For the Mom.
all the best,
Susan
I'm a little confused. Essure is permanent sterilzation so I am not sure why your doc would be thinking about your fertility problems if you wanted permanent sterilization... Oops babies happen a lot and perimenopause is the second most common time for them, with the teenage years being first.
Only you can decide if you are done-- but if you think you are done it is wise to take some steps. Mirena and Paragard IUDs are very popular and reversible if you were to change your mind. At age 45 the time to make this decision is coming near, maybe a heart to heart with your husband is in order?
Updated
I'm a little confused. Essure is permanent sterilzation so I am not sure why your doc would be thinking about your fertility problems if you wanted permanent sterilization... Oops babies happen a lot and perimenopause is the second most common time for them, with the teenage years being first.
Only you can decide if you are done-- but if you think you are done it is wise to take some steps. Mirena and Paragard IUDs are very popular and reversible if you were to change your mind. At age 45 the time to make this decision is coming near, maybe a heart to heart with your husband is in order?
I feel the same way. We have two and know that logically, that is all we should have. But at 38...Sometimes I worry about how I will feel when it is not a choice I am making to just have two...But instead a situation that is being forced on me once my body decides it is no longer possible. When our youngest went to kindergarten a couple weeks ago...Well it took about 5 days before I had a we-don't-and-won't-have-any-babies-in-our-family day and felt sort of blue about it.
My #3 was born right before I turned 45. He was a surprise.
We love him like crazy and really don't want anymore - I just feel too old. So I had my tubes tied and my husband got snipped too.
And yet sometimes, I still wonder if I did the right thing.
#2 was adopted and DH and I have discussed the circumstances under which we'd adopt again. It's a pretty slim window of circumstances under which we'd say "yes."
And yet I still look at pictures of waiting kids...
I think it's perfectly normal. But if it begins to consume you...you have options.
I have 4 and am finally pretty much over that stage. Every time my son hit a milestone I would cry. I knew it was the last one. I wanted another so bad. But we are done. My hubby had a vasectomy and we are happy with four.
What we have done which helped both of us, he's a baby man, was to do foster care for a while.
THen last year we took in a foreign exchange student who was my daughter's age.
I volunteer at church, Girl Scouts, Cub Scouts
I homeschool my younger two.
I thank God now that I do not have any more diaper bags, binkies, long nights with sick babies. It took a while but I really like where I am now.
