Thanksgiving and Passive Aggressive Mother

i don't have any family, i have spent most holidays alone.....so i would say 'what's the big deal', invite them, the more the merrier or they will just decline again......it's suppose to be "Happy Holidays", this is petty

I understand your reasoning, really I do, but how sad for your aunt to realize she is no longer worth an invitation...put yourself in her position, old and feeble, and no one even remembers you and invites you out anymore.

With age comes compassion and being able to see the bigger picture. It's not about her coming or not, it's about her feeling like someone cares enough to call and ask her to come, it lets her know someone, anyone in the world, is missing her.

Call her and ask her and really make her feel like she'll be missed if she declines. Maybe you can take some dinner over to her and the other relative too.

One thing I have learned is to always ask and allow them to decline.
Better to make them feel like they are always welcome rather than they have been forgotten or slighted.

To tell you the truth, I would not only invite Great Aunt and Cousin but I would volunteer your mother to pick them up and then take them home afterwards.. Wink, wink..

Have a Great Thanksgiving. Be sure to enjoy large glasses of wine.

It does not sound like your mother is being passive aggressive in the least. She may be in other ways (I have a relative like that too), but here I think she is right. I think it is an honorable and kind gesture to invite aging relatives, even if you know for a fact they will decline and couldn't make it even if they did want to come, even if they are grouchy and annoying. It is a nice thing to do. Even nicer to offer to have a ride arragened and to let them know they will be missed if they don't come, or to bring them a nice pie or turkey leftovers.

You don't say how far they live from you but if they are close your Mom could go and pick them up, bring them to your house and take them home. Or you could make up a care package for them. Get some nice disposable, microwaveable containers and take dinner and dessert to them. Maybe plan it on Black Friday or Saturday after Thanksgiving. Call to let your Aunt know you are coming and take your kids and put up her Christmas Tree and other decorations. You could take enough food for all of you to have dinner with her. She is probably too weak to make a real dinner even for herself. And holiday time is a lonely time for the elderly.

And your Mom's first cousin is your first cousin once removed. Removed means the next generation up or down from you. Her child would be your second cousin. She would be a First cousin twice removed from your children.

Don't think about your Mom and her behavior think about her elderly aunt who is alone and sick.

I agree with your mother that you ought to at least invite your great aunt. The thought that she's invited, even though she can't come, probably means something to her. Give the woman a LITTLE something, right? Otherwise, she'll probably think, "They don't even care enough to ask me." Your mother is right...sorry. I think I'd go a step further and take some nice pictures at the dinner and send them to your aunt...do her up a little photo book on "a photo website" (won't name names, I have my fave) for five bucks with cute little captions and she'd probably really love it.

I would just invite the Aunt. You know shes not coming but it will make her feel good knowing that she was invited. I don't see how it would hurt to invite her.

Hi B.D. You sound like a very kind person. It is your house and you are hosting. Your mother pushes your buttons. I so get it...

Now, pretend the advice to invite your great aunt and cousin did not come from your mother....would you perhaps consider it differently. I would ignore the messenger and consider the message. I know it can be hard. I am learning how to deal with people in my life that push my buttons, and yet to do what is in my best interest and in my character. Don't let someone else change who you are. Try to sift them out and leave the important stuff to ponder.

I hope this helps.

Whatever you decide is the right thing.

Jilly

Would it offend your sensibilities to make them at least feel wanted? If they are likely to decline, then why worry over the thoughtful act of inviting them? Seems like you don't have enough to do if your this bugged.

Please invite your great-aunt. Trust me - even if she doesn't say anything about it, she will appreciate that you thought of her enough to extend the invitation. Generally speaking, the older people get, the more useless and worthless they feel. Let her feel like she's somebody.

Are your table arrangements flexible enough to handle an extra two guests, if it came to that? Is there a relative who could pick up the great-aunt and the cousin (I believe he would be your first cousin once removed) if they do happen to want to come?

(My husband and I have had ups and downs over the years, as all couples do, but one thing I will *always* remember is that one Christmas, when my mother - then in her late 80s - changed her mind about coming at the last minute because she didn't think she could do the flight, my husband drove several hundred miles to pick her up and bring her here.)

It could be that your mother didn't think of these relatives until she was away from you. Or it could be that she wanted to avoid a hot exchange of words with you in person.

I'm sorry - I know that planning a big Thanksgiving meal is a physical and mental hassle! But I think your mother was justified in mentioning these relatives. If she has some passive-aggressive issues, I don't see them in this instance.

I agree with your mom on this one. It's not for you to decide in advance that a person would decline an invitation.

And since you've had her over in the past, it shouldn't be a problem to invite her now.

I don't see why you're being stubborn about this. It's stupid.

Sounds to me like this has nothing to do with the current situation with your mom, it's just a common tension you have with your mom. I say this because I have the same problem with my mom. It's the constant questioning..don't you think you should have done this, why didn't you do this." You'd think at 40 it would stop, but it doesn't. I hope I'm not projecting too much here.....

Just forget it. My current attitude with my mom is this: you do things your way, I'll do things my way, and that is OK." So when she questions me, I answer, and if she questions, I then say," this is the way I do it, and that's OK mom." This seems to be working.

In terms of how to not feel icky after a situation like this with your mom, I can't help you there. My mother made one silly comment to me yesterday and I am still walking around a bit frustrated by it.

What buttons did she push? Once you figure that out you can figure out how to stop having them pushed. It's really difficult to let it go when you don't know why you're feeling this way.

Your mother may be passive aggressive but this doesn't sound like a passive aggressive act. It's one of kindness. Why don't you want to invite great aunt? I also suggest that even tho she declines she will feel good about being invited.

You are allowing your mother to manipulate you in to feeling bad.

Would I have extended the invitation knowing that she would decline? yes. i would have. but that's ME. I'd rather my aunt know she is wanted and welcome in my home - even though I KNOW she'll say no.

It is YOUR home. You know how many people you can handle and you know what you can do. So you need to follow your heart and do what YOU need to do.

It's always the thought that counts the most.

They absolutely should get an invitation and you obviously recognize this. My problem with this is that your Mother seems to want to dictate who you MUST invite. She has no right to tell you who to have or not have in your home. I am glad to see that you are doing the right thing though....

I don't think your mother is being passive-aggressive about this. You don't really know for certain that your aunt and cousin would decline the invitation and they very well might be expecting it. Just because they can't drive themselves doesn't mean that someone else who is coming to your home won't offer to pick them up.

If they do decline the invitation this afternoon, then you can come back and say, "I told you so" but at least you'll have done the right thing.