Thank you for all that responded with your advice about my daughter that whines and cries a lot. We have started a couple of new things around the house. First, I put a happy face in EVERY single room in our house (bathrooms and closets included). We (my husband, daughter and myself) went in to each room and declared it a happy room free of whining and crying (crying is acceptable, just not to try to get her own way). Then I made a crying face and put it in her closet (she has a decent sized walk in closet). If she needs to cry or whine after she has been asked to use a "normal voice" she can go sit in there on her seat that's in there (with the door open). We are also using a reward system. We have 2 jars filled with jewels (fake). One has a happy face on it and one has a sad face. The happy face has 13 jewels in it to start and the sad face has 12 (25 is the magic number). The goal is to fill up the happy face jar completely and then she gets a special something. She wants to go to the zoo, so that's the first thing we're working towards. So when she corrects her behavior or I notice that she doesn't whine or cry over something that she normally would, then she gets to take a jewel from the sad jar and put it in to the happy jar and vice versa. We'll see how this works. So far she seems to be excited about it and has already gotten to be able to put 2 jewels in the happy jar (we just started yesterday). Thanks again for your advice.
Sounds cute. I like the jewel jar system.
It teaches her the true fact that life is all about perception: you can be a glass half-empty person or a glass half-full one. The choice is hers, and so will the reward be.
Hi L.,
I have a daughter that cries over everything too. She is normally very happy until she is disappointed or physically hurt. Then, she starts crying and it is very hard to stop her. So, I started a plan. Whenever she starts crying, I tell her "Look at me and take a deep breath." Sometimes I have to tell her to look at me several times before she will. That calms her down. Then we can talk about what is wrong. This seems to be working. She often will stop and take a deep breath without bursting into tears. When she gets hurt, I now give her a "high-five". Kids get hurt everyday if they are active, so I told her when she started coming to me with every little bump and scrape "Good job. Give me a high-five." She was confused at first, but now she comes to me after school and gets a high-five for every bump she got at school.
As for the whining, I tell her that I can't understand her when she whines and I would be more than happy to speak to her when she can speak to me like a calm little girl. This takes practice but it works too.
I hope this helps.
D.
I have an only daughter and she did TRY to be whining crying and clingy. So, all I did is I made sure she new before hand that when she whinned that I was not going to be able to tend to her, and that she needed to express her needs, likes or dislikes in a "correct" manner. At first, she whined more, so I told her I would ignore her till she "talked right." It didn't take her very long to tell I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT IT. It was funny when she first came along to talking with out whining she would hold her hands and pretend to pick at her nails. However she did outgrow it. I did have to remined her "YOUR WHINING AGAIN" and fairly soon she would compose herself. Remember consistincy is key SAY what you mean and DO what you said. Do not give in, and trust me you will not have to big of a problem. It is so nice now with my 11 year old, if I tell her NO she gets it; there is no more whining or aurgument about it. She know my anwser won't change for Nothing; however, I'm very reasonable, and when I tell her no I also tell her why I said NO (she gets it)!!!
Good luck, and be stong for your daughter, she will thank you later.
Boy, have I been down this road! Someone recommended the book "Little Sugar Addicts" to me and the results have been amazing! My whiny, cranky, over-sensitive daughter is now mostly confident and happy. It's a pretty easy program to start and usually even the first steps provide results. Interestingly, it's not about taking sugar out of your diet right away, but adding the right foods at the right time. There's also a really wonderful and helpful online support group.
If you want to see if your daughter fits the profile, you can go to www.littlesugaraddicts.com.
Good luck!
Hi L.,
What are the family conditions? Does your daughter go to school or daycare? Do you attend church or have any affiliation where there is Sunday school or organized activities for little ones? You haven't given enough information for one to be able to give constructive advice.
I can say, sometimes only children are lonely and perhpas a bit spoiled and use to getting their own way. Can't say much more until you provide a few more details.
Blessings.....
I'll echo the advice of Augusta, below. I told my daughter "I'm sorry I can't understand whiny voice" and then I'd ignore anything said like that. As soon as she said anything in a normal voice I'd respond.
This is just a matter of positive reinforcement for desired behavior. "Feed it and it will grow, starve it and it will die."
I'll recommend my favorite books here: "Don't Shoot The Dog" by Karen Pryor, and "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" by Faber and Mazlich.
It will take a while and there might be an "extinction burst" (in other words it might get worse before it gets better). Good luck!
Does your daughter mind being called a little girl. My daughter wanted to be a big girl so bad. She would correct anyone who called her a little girl. Using this to help ourselves, we proceed similar to Agustina mentions below.
I ask "Are you a big girl?" The answer, of course, is "Yes." "Then you need to act like it." I also tell my daughter that my ears don't hear whining. My ears can't respond to whining (or babytalk which is another issue for us). My daughter is seven and this does get through sometimes. She still begs and whines about stuff, but I don't "hear" it and she knows it. We are still working through it, but it gives me hope that Agustina said her 11-year-old does get it.
Good luck and God bless!
With regards to whining, when my daughter comes in with "I waaaannttt juuuuuiiiicccceeee", in her best whiny voice, I will stop her and suggest she try again and give her the words and tone to do it, "Mom, may I have some juice please?". I find, sometimes calling attention to what they are doing AND suggesting an alternative works best to teach my children.
With regards to crying, I too am a sensitive person and used to get teased (especially by my older brothers) about how many tissues I would use when watching a movie. I still cry easily, but manage it better as an adult. Depending on what she's crying about, I would let her know that deep breaths are very calming and going off by herself to let off steam is a good idea.
she does it to get attention,sounds like a crybaby.perhaps you are giving her too much attention and being too soft with her.watch how other children ask for things and how the mothers respond to their asking or whining.
I'm totally stealing this from my neighbor BUT IT'S BRILLIANT!!! Her rule is "If you whine or cry for something the answer will automatically be NO!"
It works!! Stops a whining fit in it's tracks!
It may sound like tough love, but show her how it feels to be around someone who cries and whines all the time. Then ask her how she feels to be around someone who is crying and whining all the time. Chances are she won't like it, and will change her ways. My daughter was the same way.
As for whinning or fighting in the car, just pull over and let them know you are not going to drive until it is quiet. It's just not safe with all that distraction.
My kids understood the first time I used this, and once and a while I warn of it, but I can never get to a stop now before it ends quitely.
Like the other moms have said below, I think there is a difference between the whining and the crying. With my daughter (she's almost 6 now), we noticed a dramatic downturn last fall (after starting Kindergarten). I was having a really rough time with my 3 year-old son (which is now SO much better), but it took a lot of time away from her since he was CONSTANTLY needing attention and discipline. Since December, I've really focuased alot more on her: Talking with her, and getting down to what is really troubling her is really helping! We've found that much of the time, she is crying because she really doesn't have the words or the names to express her feelings - whether they be worry or feelings or failure(she's quite a perfectionist). I've had her see the counselor at school and the counselor has really helped in teaching her that her feelings are normal and given her some words and techniques on how to cope in a different way (other than crying). I hope this helps. And, I've also picked up "How to Talk so your Kids will listen and How to listen so your kids will talk". Been meaning to read it for a while now.
Hi L.,
How is her household environment? Need more details, is there a significant other and is everyone else getting along? children can pick up on things (whether said or unsaid) she must feel unsettled about something, is she getting solid attention? My son can tell when I am half hear-heartily paying versus when he has my true attention. Also, sometimes I simply have to explain to him what it is I am doing and why I can't give him all my attention. Sounds like your little is trying to express herself but isn't quite sure how to do it. She may feel frustrated herself and not understand completely that instead of whining, she can talk about things. Perhaps when she is starting to get upset, you can pull her aside, get her to take a take breath, calm her and then gently begin to talk her thru things. I do this with my son, it seems to work most of the time.
Hi,
I think whining versus crying are different. Whining I think can be a behaviour issue versus crying can reflect a very sensitive child. My oldest will cry so hard sometimes and say she can't stop. She's pretty well behaved so I feel like she needs help versus discipline. I've tried deep breaths, going in another room to cry etc but I understand your issue when it's around other kids. I'd ask your pediatrician for some good books or maybe very short-term professional help. I also am a very sensitive, emotional person who gets overly upset. I'm an adult though so have learned to manage it better. I think kids who are like this need some help. My friend's daughter was like this and they learned some techniques. Unfortunately, she's cross country so we don't talk a lot and I never heard exactly what they learned. But it shows there are things you can do. Apparently she's improved a lot. So - not much help except I did want to chime in that crying bc she's just so upset and whining are 2 different things in my book.
Hi L.,
If your daughter has a good sense of humor, just imitate her voice right back to her. My daughter is 6.5 and has some major whining issues herself. Whenever she whines at me, I whine right back. She'll say something like, "Mommmmmy, Isabelle is starrrrrrring at meeeeeee!" And I'll say, "That's because she's neverrrrrrr hearrrrd anyonnnnne be so whiiiinnnnnnyyyyyy!" And she'll realize how she sounds, laugh about it, and stop the whining. It works great for me, and gets us both laughing.
Hope that helps!
Catherine
