"Telling" About Donor Conception to 9 Year Old

I've given birth to two child who weren't mine, biologically or otherwise. The parents of these two children used donor eggs. Both parents have told the children since birth about me and their angel who gave them the eggs so I could grow them.

What's done is done though. I would wait until maybe the end of September or beginning of October, then tell her.

*hugs*

Hmm. You want to tell her before the scary teenage years, but can't wait until summer. I know I have just a Louisiana school education, but.....I think 9 + 1 is still just 10, not a scary teenager. Not trying to be a jerk, just saying...there's not REALLY a rush on this.
And to tell the truth, I do understand the concept of a donor egg, but still wouldn't see that big a deal in it at all. Take the silly stereotypical "where babies come from" talk, and it's THE SAME. 2 people loved each other very much. There was a desire for a family, for their own baby. There was sex. There was a 9 month (or so) pregnancy. The baby was born. The baby was loved and raised by the very mom and dad who tried, loved, and conceived her.
My thought (as one raised by a father who adopted me), is that it is not the same thing. I think everyone is fine. But if you "need" to tell her, then I would tell her while talking about reproduction in general. (The whole period, eggs, what they're for thing....that's the time it'd be easy to mention that you got help and got someone else's egg so that you could have her).

I don't see why this matters - rather why do you think it so important to tell her that she was conceived through an egg donation? It is not like adoption where there are birth parents out there somewhere who chose to give her to another family.

Do you know the egg donor? If so, is this a person that she will be able to meet? I understand that this was an incredible gift to you, resulting in your beloved daughter and that you want to share the wonder of the gift with her. But does it really matter? You most likely let her know every day, in your love and care of her that she is an amazing gift to your life.

I think I agree with your husband on this one - wait. As she develops, emotionally and physical, discussions of puberty, conception, and child birth will come naturally as will the "revelation" of egg donation. Don't force this to a time table. There must be a reason that the time never came up this summer - either your internal self is telling you that is not the time or God is trying to guide your hand on this one.

Good Luck
God Bless

I agree with you, this should have been a conversation since she was born. It is a "matter of fact" in her life.

It seems to be your husband who really has the emotional problem with this.. Has he ever been to therapy to be able to discuss why? Has he ever really told you the bottom line on what bothers him about this? Does his family know about the donation?

Your daughter really needs to know at some point because if she ever has health issues, isn't she going to need to know what her donor mothers family genetic history is? Or will that not matter in her future?

Children are VERY resilient. I think many parents do not realize or give enough credit to what their children can handle. Since you missed the time with the summer, I do think you should first start of with the reproduction and body awareness discussions. This is the right time to do this anyway.. Then once your daughter has this information and has settled into school, you can move on to the donor issue.

You do realize there is no reason for you and especially for your husband to feel any shame about this? Does your and his family know?

We have always been very honest with our daughter on all subjects because we wanted her to trust us. We wanted her to know we do not have secrets in this family, so she does not need to have secrets with us.

The school issue is very telling. We all want to protect our children from feeling fear, loneliness and being unhappy, but these are human feelings.
This is a safe way for her to realize she can handle this situation. She was placed in this room with this teacher for a reason. She is going to do great.

If you stay strong with your daughter about her new class and "opportunity to make even MORE friends".. this all of a sudden sounds like an adventure and opportunity to meet and include other people into her life!

This is a chance for her expand her friendships. If mom and dad interfere, they are sending the message she cannot handle this situation... This sounds familiar, doesn't it?

Help her realize she is a strong young lady. That life is about facing our fears. That we CAN succeed and handle the things that first frightened us.

Once she has that "Ah Ha" moment (thank you Oprah) it will be time to ease into her biological history..

You can all handle the truth. It takes confidence, honesty and lots of trust amongst the 3 of you. She is a miracle. She is special. She is strong. You need to give her credit for all of this.

I am sending you strength.

Well, our church approached the organ donation concept as "regifting." God gives the gift of life and you can regift that gift, by becoming an organ donor. I think that this same simple concept can be used in your explanation to your daughter. Another lady gifted you her egg and you became a mom and carried the egg. The eggs normally come from God...but in this case it was "regifted." What initially seemed like a "set back" was a "set up" for you to become a mom in a different way. A different path....but your daughter was worth "going the extra mile".

I've never had this conversation before, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I believe that we as parents often get really worked up over talking to our kids, and in many cases the kids just take it in stride. Have you and your daughter talked about pregnancy etc before? You could just piggy back off of previous conversations. Talk about how babies are made and say that in some cases a little extra help is needed for people to make their family perfect. Does she know that you were adopted? if she already knows that fact, she has already experienced how special adopted people are and that a family is the people who love you. So my advice is simply to tell her. Try not to make it a huge deal, but just let her know that you wanted her to know. Good luck! You are clearly a loving mom and that is what is important in the end. FYI - my daughter's 3 best friends were put in a class together and she is alone. I completely understand that turmoil! I hope your daughter has a great year at school!

I'm sorry - but what does it matter how she was conceived? She is still your daughter.

I don't know why this is something you are stressing over. If you haven't been talking about it since she was born - this would probably rock her world and that's not something she needs right now....she may question WHO her biomom is - even though we KNOW it's you....

You are finding reasons to delay because in your heart you know she's not ready for it. In my opinion, this is a conversation that should have been going on for years...in my opinion - just like you knew you were adopted - everyone talked about you and your siblings being chosen - you have been so thankful that a W. donated her egg.....so that when she was ready to say "what does donor egg mean?" you could readily answer her....

Bottom line? I think the reason you are delaying is because you know she's not ready to hear it.

Well it's too bad that this hasn't been part of her life story all along, but you are where you are. I would have this be one of those conversations that comes up when you talk about puberty and reproduction. In talking about the fact that she's going to have a period, you can explain why that is (the whole egg thing) and the basics of reproduction. Then I would work in something like "well that's how it usually works, but sometimes couples need extra help. My eggs weren't healthy, so we were very lucky and were able to use eggs from another woman and the doctors helped us make you. You still grew in my belly, but getting you there was a little more complicated than the way it usually works." It will probably take a while for her to connect the egg thing to genetics and those conversations will happen naturally over time. I think that as long as you think about what you're going to say, breaking the ice on this will be easier and faster than you think and comprehension regarding what it really means in terms of her biology will come slowly over time.

I have a 9 year-old daughter. I am very open with her and I would have told her this by now. We've had many "puberty conversations" as she's already begun puberty. We've also talked about reproduction and sex, since she's been old enough to ask questions.

I you haven't had several talks about puberty, reproduction, and sex with her yet, that would be the first step. She will need to understand about "normal" reproduction before she can understand egg donation. When you feel she is comfortable with those topics, then I would explain the situation that led to your decision to use an egg donor.

She may have some reaction to this news, so be prepared for that. But, having raised two teenagers, I would NOT want to wait until that volatile time of life for her to find this out. For those responders who say "she doesn't need to know", what will happen if she has health issues, is asked to provide parent's health information to a doctor, etc.? We've stopped hiding adoption from children, and I surely don't think this should be hidden from your daughter, either.

The book "It's so Amazing" by Robie H. Harris is one I've used to guide my conversations with my daughter. She also now has "The Care and Keeping of You" and is enjoying reading that herself.

Have you seen the website Parenting Via Egg Donation? There is a lot of advice on this subject on this site. They do recommend telling the child from the very beginning as part of his/her birth story. I would think now would be a good time to insert the egg donation part of the story as part of the birds and the bees conversations. My intuition is to not make it a "big deal" sit down conversation, but pick a relaxed time when you will have time for questions, without making it seem like a "big deal". -You have to register for this website -but there is a lot of great support there. I hope you check it out!

Okay wow, well I'm not sure what I'd do in your situation as I understand your nerves, questions, etc. But, if I had advice to offer (which I usually do! haha;) it would be that you should tell her now. I'm kind of surprised by those who say why does it matter. Uh, it matters. Yes she is your child, yes you carried her, but yes, she was sort of adopted. If you wait until she is an adult (or longer than now) it could mess her up mentally. Just think about your entire life as you knew it completely turned upside down.

If possible try and approach it without a big "we need to talk" moment. If you make it seem like a huge deal that is very dramatic she will likely react that way. You might even tell her that you've waited this long b/c you wanted her to understand about reproduction, birds and bees, etc. I would tell her directly, but again, try not to make a huge deal of it and let her ask her questions. Likely she will have lots of questions in the weeks after you tell her. Just make sure to keep the lines of communication open and ask her questions even if it seems she doesn't want to talk about it, she probably does. Good luck!

I don't have experience with this, but I'm not quite sure why you have to share this info with her. It matters to YOU, because you specifically chose to have a child and made a specific effort to conceive. I'm not sure if you feel wierd about it cause it seems like you "adopted" the egg and feel you have to say something. But it's not necessary.

You GAVE BIRTH to her; where the egg came from doesn't matter. I have friends who did the in-vitro thing and they never discussed telling the kids they weren't conceived the "traditional" way. Relax and let it go. I think your husband is right.

If it's really becoming an issue in your head, perhaps some counseling might help you be more comfortable with this.

I agree that she should be told and this doesn't make you any less of a mother or make your family any less of a family. My daughter was born to my sister and I have had her since she was a little baby. I remember multiple conversations in the car (starting at two years old) telling her the major points that went down....it's no big deal when you start early. My daughter knows there are different types of families and different types of conception...I sold IVF supplies for 13 years. Families are just different, nothing wrong with that.

She should know, she will find out out and the earlier the better. I would avoid the big sit down, that could be scary for her. At nine she should know about puberty and conception and sometimes we need medical help. I suggest telling her but not making it the end of the world, she will follow your lead. She probably has friends that were conceived through IVF that know about it. Let her know that it doesn't change your family unit but she may use the info later on.

Best of luck! I think once you tell her, a huge weight will be lifted.

I am trying to understand this. Is this information helpful for any reason? i.e.she needs to know that she was the product of a donor for future unknown medical reasons? Or is it just your value system? It must be so hard trying to figure out what to do and if you just want her to know this it sounds like you are fretting perhaps too much- not good for your health. Does she look completely different than you and your husband that everyone would be making comments? At any rate I looked at other moms questions and I think Katie H. made a good comment, let it piggyback onto some other things. And don't worry. You are her parents and that's it. You love her, you care for her. A home can be built out of plywood or plastic but where there is a loving family it really is a home and that is the whole point.
Perhaps mostly she only needs to know that you wanted a child so much and didn't or couldnt (assumption) on your own that your desire was transferred into the creation of her -a beautiful little girl with a very loving mommy.

I'm with those that don't understand why you have to tell her that she was conceived with the help of an egg donor (right now since you haven't told her yet). At least, why you feel that you have this ... this URGENCY to tell her now-right-this-instant-omg-what-a-drama-she-has-to-know. Especially if you chose an anonymous egg donor. I mean, DOES she "have to know" right now?

Is the egg donor demanding to meet her? Did her friends at school somehow find out that half of her genetic material came from an egg donor and you're afraid they'll tell her before you do? Is there a lawsuit looming where the egg donor is trying to claim her? Do you see where I'm going with this? I don't see why it's so critical to tell her now right now omg it has to be now.

I would tell her at some point, but I don't think you must tell her now. First of all, at her age she DOES need to fully know about the birds and the bees. If you haven't told her about sex and what all that entails at this point, you need to. Once that is out of the way, at some point if you feel you need to -then tell her. I DO agree that she needs to know at some point in time. It's something I would definitely want to know about myself, but I certainly wouldn't harbor ill feelings if I wasn't told about it until I was in my teens or early adulthood. Plus -unless you have a prior arrangement worked out with the egg donor -it's highly doubtful she wants to meet any of her "eggs." I seriously considered donating eggs at one point, and I wouldn't want to be "looked up" by any if I had. To me it's different than if I had given up a baby I had carried for 9 months for adoption. You carried her and gave birth to her, your husband is her biological father, so that should be fine. Tell her at some point, but I wouldn't stress doing it now.

Your pediatricians advice makes perfect sense. If she isn't old enough to comprehend the whole conception, how babies are made, etc. she won't be able to grasp the egg donation. It's quite different and a unique way that she came to be. Could you maybe find some age appropriate literature that depicts the variety of ways that babies are "made" and brought into families? I would think that sharing all the differences might open the dialogue; at her age she probably has no idea. OR if she is aware of your adoption she might be ready to talk. Once you get talking you could ease into her own conception and help her feel special in a good way. It will definitely be much better for her to be told by her parents in lieu of someone else leaking the information. Good Luck!

Since you carried your daughter in your womb, YOU ARE her mother. Never refer to the egg donor as "Mother." Get through the whole puberty talk before you address the egg donation thing. You might even find waiting another year to do that will be better. Because she is biologically connected to your husband, she won't experience what a lot of adopted children experience--disconnect. We adopted our daughter when she was 5 days old. She grew up knowing it, so we never had that big talk, but many little ones about how she came to be ours. We had 2 more (biological) daughters right in a row soon after she was born. Each situation is a little different, and only you can determine when your daughter is ready and will understand it all. The main thing is that she is loved and was wanted so much, you went to whatever means possible to have her. That overrides everything else. But she may need some maturity to fully understand all that. Be aware that during the teen years, the most common time for rebellion, she may throw it in your face that you aren't her REAL mother. This is what my daughter did. My answer was always, "I'm as real mother as you are ever going to have, and no one will ever love you more than I do." She got through those years and we are very close today. The day came when she looked me in the eye and said, "Mom, you ARE my REAL mom!" We both cried.