Teenagers - Spending the Night with Friends.

My dsd has been having sleepovers for years! We have ALWAYS checked in with the other parent/s about the plans for the evening. Even these past couple of years as she has gotten older, I will still "emabarras" her and make those phone calls and touch base. It has even been awkward for me as a mom, making that call to the other home. I have yet to have a parent be surprised that I am calling and request to meet them in person at their home before allowing our d to sleep over. I am pretty forward in what our expectations are about no boys late, curfew, no roaming the streets, supervision(at least an adult home at all times). One time, the single parent did tell her daughter about my questions and my d did get teased, but it was well worth the questioning. She is not allowed to stay at that girl's house any longer. The mom put on a good front to my questioning and her home seemed pretty together. However, after checking up on myspace and reviewing activities of the weekend, and the late drive by that I did, and then talking about the night, we discovered that she was uncomfortable while there. There ended up being boys VERY late, going upstairs without adults home. No alcohol or anything, but she was just uncomfortable. I didn't like that she was teased at first, but she also knows that we do it because we care. She has had NUMEROUS friends sleep over here and I have YET to have another parent call me to ask whatever they wish. It is always a surprise to me, but I guess what society has kind of become. I encourage you to follow your gut but it is important to allow some kind of freedom to your teen or you are bound for full rebellion. Good luck!

Who made up the rule that we SHOULDN'T know anything about the families of the kids our kids are hanging out with?

Let me apologize now... I tend to get a little wordy, so bear with me.

I can understand your hesitation with letting your daughter go to this girls' house. If she is mouthy about her own mother, she probably has little respect for her own mother's authority (and probably yours too). I also wonder about WHY she doesn't like her mom or her mom's boyfriend... If it were me, the first thing I would do is meet the parents... maybe invite them over for coffee and explain that I like to know the people that my daughter is spending time with and that includes their parents... then arrange to go to their house for coffee another time. I might be able to get a picture of what this friend's home life is like by spending some time with them.

I would then talk with my daughter about this girl. She may be able to give you some clues about why the friend is so negative about her family. Girls, as we all know, share just about everything with eachother... Explain that you are not trying to be judgemental and that you care about her friend and want to get to know her better. You don't have to tell her that you are worried that there may be a reason for the behavior that worries you. Let your daughter know that it isn't HER or HER judgement that you don't trust, but that you love her and want to protect her and maybe help her friend too.

If it were me, I think I would have the friend stay over at our house a few times. I would keep a pretty good eye on the girls while playing "party hostess"... you know, offer snacks, movies, soda or even take them out somewhere I could keep an eye on them... where I live there is a skating rink and it would be very easy to watch them skate and socialize from the sidelines without being overly involved. You don't want to give the wrong impression of wanting to be a teen again. ;-}

Additionally, I would just try to keep involved in what my daughter does when she's not with me. We can't be with them 24 hours a day, 7 days a week... no matter how much we want to. Tell your daughter that you would love to let her go out without you and do more things independantly as she gets older, but that you need for her to understand that it is hard for you to let go BECAUSE you love her so much and worry about her. Let her know that trust can't just be given away and that when she leaves to go "out" without you, it's not just her you have to trust... it's everyone she may encounter along the way. Tell her how important it is to be honest with you and give you as much information as she can before and after an outing. You could start by keeping an open dialouge of the visits her friend makes to your house. If she is used to talking with you openly about what you already know, it shouldn't be too much of a streatch for her to talk about what you don't know about.

Follow that gut instict. I can tell that you know the right answer.

I'm all about knowing the other kid's family. If you trust them, and feel confident that they are keeping an eye on things, I would let her. Or maybe start out by having the kid at your house.

My son is 15 and a Freshman. I allow him some latitude because I trust him on the big issues. However, if I am unsure of his friends, I tell him and I tell him why. We discuss it. My husband and I have been very open with him about life, the choices he makes and the consequences. My advice, if you want it, is to have the friend over to your house instead. You can tell your daughter that you don't know and/or trust the environment at the other girls house. Then work with her to plan a really cool overnighter!

I have 5 children. Oldest 25, boy, 22 girl, 20 girl, 17 girl, 12, boy. Wow, that's a tough thing to not want to hold them back, but HOLD THEM BACK! If you knew what so many teenagers, even younger do when they stay at friends homes, you would never let them go.
My oldest was a bit of a challenge. We let him stay at friends, and what a mistake. He is just now really starting to grow out of the trouble he and his friends would get into. My three girls, no problem, and my youngest only really stays at cousins. Once you let them sleep over somewhere, you've really started to somewhat lose control. I only really let my girls stay at two homes growing up. I knew the families very well. They had the same standards we have, and I knew my kids were safe there with parents that would make sure they knew where and what the girls were doing. I'm very very happy to say they have had NO issues with boys, sex, drugs, or inappropriate behavior. My 17 yr old still tells me what goes on with girls and boys she knows that tell mom or dad they're staying over somewhere. At 12 we moved. I got acquainted with the girl nest door. I really thought her dad and step mom were cool. Well they were. At 12 they got me into concerts, smoking pot, and drinking. My parents thought they were ok. Actually I did until about 10 years ago. I'm now in my mid 40's. Don't feel like you have to give in to your kids. You are in control. Your the one that understands where wrong paths can lead a child. Let them have someone over whom you know, them and the parents well, and have the same standards you have.

Best of luck!

J Bonney Lake

L.,

Is you daughters friend other than mouthy and forward a fairly decent kid?? I have 3 girls that were all teens at one point at the same time. They are now awesome kids and adults. They have very sucessful live. Out of the three I think most weekends we either had one of their friends at our house or they were at the friends house. My suggestion is since the whole spending the night with friends super normal!! Maybe have the friend stay at your house try to earn her respect and have fun with them. Make them laugh, take them to some fun places. Maybe this girl just needs some love she is not getting at home. She will get it anywhere she can get it so maybe in stead of worrying about you daughter being with her, maybe worry about the friend and help her be a happy person in your home.

Hope that is not a cleaer as mud!! Good luck!!

L.

Hi L.,
I think that at 15 girls need to have sleepovers are great as long as you know a little about the family and talk to the parents first to get an idea of the girls will be doing during the sleepover (i.e. - school dance, movies, etc). I remember having sleepovers during that age and it was great - I loved being with my friends and having that break from my siblings. My mom was always very careful in checking with the other parent first and she would not allow me to go to homes unless she knew the parents were responsible. I remember having a few friends who parents allowed them to stay out very late, etc. but when I was over we were not allowed to do this as her parents knew my parent's rules and made me follow those same rules while at their home. Although my daughter is still young, I know that I will allow her to sleep over with her girlfriends.

I am step-mom to two teenagers, one boy 15, and one girl 16.
They both spend the night at friend's houses and have friends over here. We have not had a problem with our daughter, as she is very trustworthy and responsible, good student, etc.

Our son, we noticed more than twice, slept all day after returning from spending the night at friends. BIG RED FLAG! He is not allowed to do sleepovers any more. Obviously he wasn't sleeping at the sleep-over, which only leads us to guess at what he really was doing. He is allowed to have people over to our house to spend the night occasionally. This way we can monitor their activities.

Tell your daughters you need to speak with the other girls' parents before approving it, and make sure you feel comfortable with where they will be staying. If not, just explain that to them. They might say you are so mean! (read the poem, 'I had the meanest mom')
You are their parents and are supposed to protect them. My parents were a little over-protective of me, but now that I am an adult, I really appreciate it. I was never raped or molested as so many girls are. Kids grow up too fast and learn too much at an early age. I say keep them innocent for as long as possible.

ps: I am a huge WORRIER, too. Sometimes you just have to pray and let go...

Hi ~

We have a 16 and a 19 year old daughter. I guess the biggest lesson we have learned is we are not parents for the popularity. We have had your situation put before us only once and after we were able to talk to the chaparones, discuss the events and security of the evening and find out who was attending did we make the decision for our daughter not to attend. When the arguement happened, and it will, we turned it on her. We asked her to be the parent, put all the information on a board for her to see, pointing out the recent trouble some of the other kids had been in and then asked her what she would do in the parent's shoes. Suprisingly enough she said, very sadly, she wouldn't let her baby girl go either.

The big goal here is their future. They are standing at the door to life with the world in their palms and every decision they make has the potential of messing up those plans. Talk to her about her future, what does she want out of life right now? They have some cool answers at this age. Good luck - A.

When I was 15, my parents were pretty strict and straight laced. I couldn't get away with ANYTHING. So, I spent the night at one of two friend's houses pretty regularly because their parents let us do whatever we wanted. Their parents would purchase alcohol for us and let us stay out as late as we wanted. I look back on those days and just shake my head in amazement that nothing bad happened to me.

Trust your instincts. (And to borrow a quote from The Gipper: "Trust, but verify.") I'd make 'em spend the night at my home, but if I DID let her spend the night at her friend's house I would darn sure meet with the other girl's parents first AND I would let them all know that I intended to conduct spot checks on my daughter to make certain she was where she was supposed to be AND that she was not under the influence of any drugs or alcohol. I would also invest in a home drug/alcohol testing kit and would test my daughter if I had even a hint that she had used.

Hi L.,

I have 3 kids, 2 boys (21 & 19) & a daughter who is 16. All 3 had been having or going to spendovers since they were in gradeschool. My best advise is to allow her to spend the night but not until you've met the parents and talked to them about who will be home during this time and what they will be doing, exchange phone numbers, share what you don't allow your daughter to do (i.e. watch R rated movies) etc. If you have a good gut feeling it will probably be just fine. If something doesn't feel right, or you don't like the answers you get, you might offer to have her friend spend the night at your house where you have more control.

Hope that helps,

D. C.

Hey L., I do not have teenagers, but I am 27 and feel like my high school years weren't too far away. My advice, if you want it, is to trust your instincts on her friends. If you feel this girl is talking about her own mother in a negative way, I would guess that she would do things on purpose to make her angry, whatever that may be. At some point I think it is wise to let her stay at a friends house. It builds trust. On the other hand, I read some of your other responses and agree with the woman who said to have the first sleepover at your house. I guess in the end you have to do what feels good inside for you. My boys are still young, and I dread the teenage years sometimes just because I want them to be such good boys. So we work really hard on keeping comunication lines open at all times. Good luck!

hmmmmm, well i suggest this if u want 2 keep your daughter under control, n keep her safe, u first need 2 find out who her friend is n u yourself need 2 get 2 know her, n suggest that her friend can come n stay a night w/your daughter and c who this friend of hers is n how she is b4 u make that choice on letting your daughter go 2 her home... n if u get a chance meet the girls parents.... (i mean its almost like going through the process if your daughter getting a boyfriend 4 the 1st time) but its not... that would b my suggestion cause thats what i do w/my daughter friends, b4 she can go stay w/them i have 2 meet them, they have 2 come n stay w/her 1st, n then i get 2 meet her friends parents... so then my daughter knows there is no room 4 any head games... good luck

Trust is going to be a very big issue. If you don't start Instilling some trust in her, she is going to get Rebelious. Not a good thing. I found that My Kids and I created a trust and Honesty policy. We even went as far as to sign contracts. They really did a Great Job and told me everything. Sometimes it was more than I wanted to hear, but at least they were being Honest with me. It was very effective for us and they knew with the contracts that if they started acting Badly like one of thier friends might have been acting, they weren't going to be allowed to be around that person. Most of the time, we had that friend at opour house. When the friend saw how things were open and honest under our roof, they wanted to be around our house more often so that I could be More Aware of the things that they were doing.
I wish you the best of luck. It is hard to find Parents with that ind of Policy now days due to the Discipline factors that the Law puts into play. Kids say things that aren't true when they get mad at us and can create a lot of Problems for something that isn't really happening. You just have to work with your kids and let them know that you are always going to be there for them as long as they bring thier problems to you first. Kids can;t give other Kids very good advice. They tend to really mess things up if your kids listen to thier friends instead of what you have to instill in them.
Good Luck with your Girls. Sometimes we think that we are doing the wrong thing. but if it feels right when you first set the wheels in motion, Keep going with it.