Teen with No Motivation

Updated on July 01, 2009
K.R. asks from San Diego, CA
11 answers

My 16-yr old step-son is failing school. We just got a letter stating he will not graduate at this rate. He promised his father that his 'plan' was to get a summer job - that he did not want to go to summer school again this year. Every day he sleeps until around 10am. Lazily gets up, takes a shower, gets on the computer, talks on the phone, and then leaves the house. He is not even looking for a job, just hanging out with his friends.
He thinks this is all a big vacation.

He is not MY son, I know. But he lives in my house and his father has pretty much let him do whatever he wants. I have tried over and over and over again telling my husband how this makes me feel, but is it something I really want to wreck my marriage over? No. We've only been married a little over two years. The son will be out of the house in a couple of years, right?

My husband is totally frustrated, but doesn't set boundaries or enforce consequences when the teen challenges him. It's all totally frustrating. I am trying, really hard, to be sensitive to my husbands feelings and find outlets for my energy outside of this home situation.
Idea: I suggested giving the son a deadline: come up with a job or you can go to and Outward Bound excursion camp. The son is refusing. You can't make me...what are you gonna do - tie me up??? and just being a complete jerk.
This whole time I am not saying much, just trying to support my husband.
What I am looking for here are either a.)ideas of what his father and I can do to motivate this boy,or b.) a way I can deal with the situation as it is for the next 2-3 YEARS!(it feels like an eternity right now!)
Background: this boy is with his mother 50% of the time, but she is a complete flake. ( I am not really this judgemental, but just trying to be succinct)

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P.M.

answers from Portland on

You're describing a normal-enough situation for teens – school doesn't seem relevant to quite a few kids at this age (truthfully, for many kids who are not academically oriented, it's NOT especially relevant, and a trade school would be a better option). Sleeping late, staying up late, hanging out with friends who "understand" them, challenging authority. All of it is "normal."

But this doesn't mean it's optimal, by a long shot. And it would be hard to take. If I were doing the cooking, laundry, or other motherly tasks for an unappreciative step-son, I'd be inclined to offer him a deal. Either he starts considering my reasonable needs, or I stop cooking and cleaning for him.

What it would mean to do his share could evolve as needed, and wouldn't necessarily have to include Dad's cooperation. Ideas could include behaving respectfully, following basic household rules, sharing chores, getting a job, saving toward his future independence, volunteering some of his time in the community… there are lots of good, healthy options. I'd want him to take responsibilty for helping to choose what he agrees to do.

And I would NOT hold my breath expecting that he "must" change. He has reason to believe he can get away with "whatever." If you put your foot down, be prepared for flack from your husband and possible even worse behavior from your SS. Meanwhile, get yourself a good book on co-dependence. (CO-DEPENDENT NO MORE by Melody Beattie is a good one.)

This boy can hardly be faulted for having bad habits, since it sounds as though his role-modeling has been lax, to say the least. As sad as it may be for a sensitive soul who wants to be responsive to the needs of husband and family, your SS may simply need natural consequences to help him realize that other people have legitimate needs. So, if you try to tough-love it, work on keeping your communication about what YOU NEED, not what others are doing wrong. Much more effective (and less whiney).

Here are some excellent resources to get you started:

There are a some helpful videos at http://www.naomialdort.com/lectures.html I have been reading and applying Naomi Aldort's advice for several years working with my grandson and young children in my religious community, and we have all been better for it.

Here's a fine video on communicating with children in a way that respectfully connects with their needs, and results in a much greater likelihood that they will (eventually) be able to hear your needs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQO7h9MNCqI That one's for younger kids, but the ideas adapt to any age. Look up other links to Non-Violent Communication for some powerful techniques for getting to the heart of other situations, as well. It's all about recognizing, respecting, and responding to the legitimate needs of all involved.

Good luck, Kerry. Teen years can be challenging enough with your own kids. My second husband, and my daughter, had to endure a great deal of pain when we married. My daughter was entering adolescence, and there were many adjustments to be made all around. (But it eventually worked well for us all, and my daughter grew into a mature, happy, responsible mother and loving step-daughter.)

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S.L.

answers from Portland on

If ever there was a time for family counseling, I think this is it. He could be depressed, not just lazy. Sometimes kids (anybody for that matter) can get kind of paralyzed and not know the way out... And not want to get flack from a step parent. I'm sure you care about him, but you don't looove him like your own child--you probably see him as you would see any other teenager. Still, you and your husband can't just let him behave this way and I think an experienced family counselor could help you find some strategies that would work for everyone.
I always have a soft spot for the kids in a divorce, because my parents divorced when I was 17. I was the most level-headed kid you can imagine, so even I was surprised when I slipped into a depression, began failing classes, sleeping all the time, having thoughts of hurting myself. I picked fights with my mom all the time to make her pay attention to me. I'm well aware that my BEHAVIOR was terrible, but I was a kid who needed something. He shouldn't be left to figure it out for himself (with ultimatums, etc), he should be given some help to come through adolescence and divorce (and remarriage) a better person.

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M.P.

answers from Portland on

My marriage ended in part because my husband didn't want to make rules, state expectaions, or in any way influence the way his son behaved. His parent swere overly strict and he went the opposite way and became overly permissive. He would sabotage everything I did evem when I was doing what we had agreed that I should do. I hope that isn't the case with your husband. If he's mostly just lacking in skills and wants to learn a way to influence his son towards responsibility there is hope.

Peg wrote excellent recommendations. I would add to her resources the book and web site of Love and Logic. http://loveandlogic.com/

I found that when I was parenting my daughter and then my grandchildren that I had some difficulty because I felt guilty and lacking in power. I also learned that it's not too late to begin learning a different way of thinking about myself and an effective way to be consistent. Love and Logic helped me alot.

This is the rule and this is the consequence for not following this rule. Tough love idea. At the same time I was able to be more loving and yell less because I had let go of the idea that I was responsible for his behavior. Learning and applying this took me several years. I am better at consistency with my grandchildren than I was with my daughter.

I suggest that the parenting skill that you learn now will help you with your children now. The earlier we start with discipline the more effective we are with our children.

You didn't say how old your children are. Is your step-son's attitude and behavior negatively affecting your children? Could the possibility of that happening help to motivate your husband to learn new parenting skills?

I also strongly recommend family counseling. You are a family in a stressful situation. Each one of you needs a way to express your feelings and finding ways to deal with them in a positive way.

I found that I couldn't do anything as far as discipline with my step-son which made me angry almost all of the time. I tried to find a way to let go of my sense of responsibility for him. I ended up leaving because I never found a way that allowed me to have a sense of well-being.

What I did try to do is similar to what Peg has suggested in regards to meals and laundry. His father then did his laundry for him and he didn't care if I fixed a meal or not. He would just raid the pantry for himself.

What helped me the most was for me to leave the house before I became upset. I frequently, towards the end, fixed dinner for our 2 mothers who lived with us and went to a restaurant for my own dinner. Boston Market was my favorite. With other children you may not be able to do that.

I also became a thrift store shopper and an around the blocks walker. Around the blocks until I felt calm again. I became a Crisis Intervention volunteer which gave me a sense of success because I was doing what I not only wanted to do but could do well. I also declared the second family room as my room so it was always quiet and neat. Anyone could ask to join me with the condition that we were to have a quiet time together. For example, we could watch TV or read together but we could not argue. Fortunately we had a large enough house so that gave me a peacful haven. I did have to send my step-son and his friends out of the room fairly often at first.

My response to "you can't make me" is to stand firmly with both feet spread to give me balance and a confident air and wait. I am surprised how often "standing my ground" worked. I also suggest taking away privileges. If he drives your car take away the keys. I think I made a deal with my daughter that she could use the family car as long as she went to counseling appointments. Also tied to ability to use family car was that grades be at least a C average and kept curfew.

I was concerned about some of her friends and since I knew of no way to know who she was with and what she was actually doing I let that go. It worked very well. She learned from experience that some of her friends did not help her be the person she wanted to be. She had supportive teachers at school. That made a big difference in helping her to learn who she wanted to be. We had also talked about that and similar topics from the time she lived with me.

My daughter did become pregnant her senior year in high school. We treated it as being unfortunate but not a catastrophe. Our children often react to our negative judgements by proving us right. :) Fortunately, but painfully, she miscarried in her 3rd month. I believe that we can tell our children our expectations but we cannot control everything that the do. The most important thing to do is to let them know that we know that they will make mistakes and we will still love them and help them if they ask for help. There is a fine line between judgement and disagreeing. Yes, we probably know best in many situations but some people have to learn for themselves. I think I'm saying give all of your chldren as much approval as you can and be loving without judgement when disapproving. I learned the hard way that lectures rarely work. Kids need boundaries and consistently enforced boundaries. Not as simple as it sounds.

If you can find a way to make your own boundaries and find ways that you can enforce those for yourself you probably can stick it out for 2 more years. Getting information on co-dependency is a good idea. And working on a good relationship with your husband. If the two of you can find a way to not let arguments over his son you can be happier. It's important for the two of you to have a relationship separate from your kids. Spend some time alone together doing something you both enjoy. A regular date night could help.

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J.W.

answers from Seattle on

If you've received a letter from your son's school that he's in danger of not graduating due to a lack of credit, he needs to be in a credit retrival program now!! Whether it's summer school, online classes through your state or BYU or some other program, he needs to start crackin' the books. If he doesn't do it this summer, he will be taking extra classes outside of school to catch up. Not every school will allow online classes in addition to the every day work. You need to be in contact with his school counselor and work the issue diligently. Your step-son is probably doing a great job of playing his parents off of one another, and while you may think his Mom is a flake, she may be just uninformed. You can't get the boy to do much either and you wouldn't describe yourself as a flake. I know how this works, I just spent the last school year mentoring and monitoring my nephew and his school performance as he was in the same boat last summer. He barely graduated this June with a considerable amount of perseverance on my part, as he had played his parents out. He did the 50-50 split on his time between their homes. I arranged a meeting in the fall with both of his parents, all of his teachers, the principal and his counselor and we had a conversation, a rubber meets the road conversation for all parties involved, as they all owned a piece of the problem and all needed to participate for my nephew to graduate on time. My nephew is a master manipulator. He tried his hardest, but I didn't give up, I have 3 of my own and my youngest is the very same age. There was no snowing of Aunty. Getting him a job during the summer may be a good thing, having him work around your house and getting his room, your yard, his chores done on a daily basis may prove to be a bigger help. Teenagers' body clocks are different. They stay up later, sleep in longer. It's a scientific fact. So if he's going to stay up late, then it has to be productive time. Give him the laundry to fold. He's on the computer? great time for online classes. And because those classes cost, then he needs to help 'pay' for them with the chores around the house. All of his privileges need to have a value assigned and he earns them. If it means you give him 5 pts. for getting up by 9 am every morning, than that's what it is, and it cost 10 pts to be on the computer for an hour of fun. With 5 kids in the house, you have to have some sense of order and the rules for him should be the rules of the house or you will only add to your problems.

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A.D.

answers from Portland on

i just wanted to point out that i know plenty of college graduates with bachelor and masters degrees that are having trouble finding jobs, and are taking lower paying jobs such as retail/food service industry jobs because that's all they can get. so while i understand that your stepson should at least be making an effort to find a job, you should be realistic about him finding one. he may not be able to get one, even if he tries.
aside from that, i have no constructive advice but i do wish you luck.

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K.K.

answers from Portland on

First of all, at this rate... it will be more than 2-3 years before he moves out. He is setting himself up to still be living with you when he's 20, 21, 25, etc.
When it comes down to it, your husband is going to choose him over you so becareful what you demand. I would suggest counseling and parenting class for your step son and your husband. It sounds like maybe the problem with the son is more of being overwhelmed. It's easy as an adult to say "this is what you should do, why don't you understand this? Are you stupid?!?!"... but as a kid, hind sight is always 20/20. Remember, you were there once and I'm sure your parents thought the same thing... "Is she ever going to get it?"
I would also do what you can to take away the phone and the computer, etc. You can't physically restrain him, but while you're at the house with him you can make it not so fun to lay around and be lazy. Set an alarm for 8 a.m. and if he doesn't get up, bring the shower to him!!!

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K.C.

answers from Portland on

Hi,
I am a high school teacher and I'm sorry you're going through this. The only advice I can really give is to say that you all as the adults need to present a united front. Give him a very short timeline and then follow through. Not graduatingis a huge deal with pretty significant consequences. I have seen this situation a lot and kids will figure out a way around whatever you are asking them to do especially if they are in the habit of doing it. if you all are firm and there are real, tough consequences, it will change. If he can find one out of three parents that will let him off the hook, he will use that. It's hard,but you have to be strong and be vocal. I have seen lots of kids who have dibvorced parents who have figured out how to play them off of one another. Get the school involved also. The counselors may have more resources for you. Sorry if I sound mean. but I see this all the time at work.

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K.W.

answers from Portland on

Kerry,
I had my stepson in the house for jr. and sr. year of High School. During those two years we had three HUGE blow-ups stemming from me trying to get him motivated. His father, my husband, was working two jobs and rarely around the house so when he encountered the fray, he just wanted it to stop. My experience was that it never worked for me to motivate ANYTHING. The best I could do was set my own boundaries for "Is that a hill worth dying on?" and then pick up the dirty dish, wash it, and do my best to create an atmosphere of love and listening. Encouraging his strengths (For Alex it was gymnastics and music) and planning family activities that are fun for everyone. He is now 20 and just communicating again after a falling out last fall when he (finally) moved out leaving a filthy room full of many of his things.

There is a book called "Re-directing children's behavior" that talks about a "revenge cycle." I wish I would have read it before Alex came to live with us. If the child is saying "I won't and you can't make me" it is possibly a revenge cycle in which he is stuck feeling pain and needs to inflict that pain back. He needs empathy and options without orders.

My husband and Alex began communicating again after I suggested this might be what is going on with them. It's important they know you care about them - not just their behavior or grades or job. Good luck and take three deep breaths.

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H.G.

answers from Portland on

Wow, I am at a bit of a loss. I think you should have a serious talk with you husband and say set some limits and type them up & make two copies one for all parties to sign & keep of the rules & consequenses.

Something like he can't live at your house after he turns 18 if he doesn't graduate if this is how he is going to act until that time. Make sure you hubby is ready to enforce what ever decisions you both come to. Be ready to change the locks , that will probably be what it takes. Otherwise it will be more than 2 or 3 year before you get him out of your house. He is almost an adult if can't act close to one, kick him out of your house for the summer. He can go be lazy at flaky mom's house.
Counseling could be good for him too. Just get him out of your house.

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M.K.

answers from Seattle on

hi kerry,.
I have read the other responses and you have mostly all the same things mentioned I wanted to say as well.

I truly believe your son does not realize he is setting habits now which will follow thru with him into early adulthood and possibly beyond if he does not 'work' at improving for himself. (ie. does he really know he won't be going to college? and what are his other options then.)

A counselor would likely help the whole family dynamic to help him along his way. I do mean sessions for himself, him+dad, son+mom, son+mom+dad, & of course son+dad+you & when it's all said and done son+dad+you+mom. this doesn't have to be a year long thing.. just so he has a 'team' to rally for him. looks like it will help all the adults be on the same page here too :)

My Mother had our family go thru couseling when I was about college age -after it had been a few years before my folks getting divorced and this is why I suggest it.. it really helps bring our thoughts and real feelings in a place which feels safe and more respect for the family.

I also agree with the other post.. a 16 yr old is soo way old enough to earn his privilages. Just like we do with younger children.
You provide the food and shelter. It's up to him to help contribute after that. he does know how to make a grill cheese and get himself some cereal right??

I would start out slow on this point.. take only 2-3 items at a time and prepare him for what will be lost... - unless you adults feel he could take the deep end :)

no spending money
no cell phone
no laundry
no fancy soaps or gels or clothes/shoes.
no transportation (bus fare for job when he gets one)
no computer access.
no tv
no etc,...

you know....2 hours of school per day - 2 hours of computer time that night to play games. full day of school and doing properly keeps his cell phone and tv & other privilages. (a chart would be good idea so everyone can see what has been done and what has been rewarded)

and I know I have already written a LOT - but with other kids you might need to have them also have this same routine in order to make a cohesive family plan.

Hope you find some resolve soon and your step-son starts to see the big picture..

-marg

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J.B.

answers from Seattle on

I don't have any advice, but one thing's for sure. If you and your husband can't put your foot down about the job or school, you're going to have a major battle on your hands when he is supposed to move out. No job, no diploma -- where's he going to go? If the two of you don't deal with this soon, you might have a permanent problem on your hands.

Your husband needs to understand that yielding to his son is not doing any of you any favors. This kid is at an age where he needs to start taking responsibility for his future. If he doesn't, he could ruin his whole life. This is not a matter of convenience. It's a life forming moment, and the two of you as parents need to find a way to shake him out of taking what he has for granted. You might try Focus on the Family at www.family.org. Doctor Dobson is an authority on tough love.

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