My 15 year old daughter has a very close (guy) friend, same age. He recently confessed to her that he has some 'stuff' going on in his life that led him to consider suicide. To the point that he said he found his dad's gun and took it into his room and aimed it at his head. My daughter was weepy and pretty freaked out when she told me about this last night. We talked about letting him know that he has so many people who care for him and they are all there to help him through this rough time, etc. (he hasn't said what the problems are). She said she did all that. But I feel like we need to do more and I don't know what. I suggested she ask him to see the school counselor and she said she would but she felt very sure he would refuse. I know him fairly well but don't know his parents at all. I know he would be extremely angry with my daughter if he knew she told me about this. So I don't think I can try to talk to him myself--might make everything worse. If I try to talk to his parents he would probably deny everything and then they would think I am just some crazy lady and perhaps forbid their son to see my daughter any more. He is a sensitive kid and tends to be somewhat dramatic, so it is possible that this was just another way of getting attention. I just don't know--I've never dealt with anything like this before. But I know if he tries to hurt himself and we've been sitting around doing nothing we will never forgive ourselves. Any advice/suggestions? Thank you!
Sorry it took me awhile to follow up. The day after I posted this the young man's mother read his texts to my daughter (score 1 for us 'snoopy' parents!) and sat him down to talk it out. He let his parents know pretty much everything in his life that is stressing him out and they are giving him help and support. Obviously they locked up the gun so he can't get to it. He also told a couple more friends and everyone has rallied around him. He was at my house yesterday and acted fine. My daughter says he is back to his old self again, laughing and joking around. I appreciate all the advice, and I would've definitely intervened had the mother not found out so quickly, but at this point I'm rather glad I didn't react immediately. Guess we got lucky. Thank you for all the words of wisdom.
Not only do I think you should tell his parents, I do not think you have the RIGHT to keep it from them. How would you like it if someone kept such a secret from YOU?
Keeping this from his parents for the sake of saving face is absolutely ridiculous. This child needs some help, and he needs it now.
I don't see the question, because I don't think you HAVE a choice. Tell his parents. Right away.
1800-###-###-#### - National Suicide Prevention Hotline - you can call and talk to a counselor and they will talk with you.
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/WhatIfSo...
I feel that he told your daughter as a cry for help maybe knowing or hoping she would go to you. You say you know him fairly well; If you don't think he would talk to you then contact his school counselor & see if you both can come up w/a way for them to meet. Definitely do something. Here is an 800 number for suicide hotline maybe they could offer you some help http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
This is a human child you're talking about. A person who is thinking about KILLING himself. Do not hesitate and stop worrying about who you are going to offend.
Here's what I suggest (as a medical professional who has gone through several suicide prevention courses):
1. Call his parents. Calmly talk to them and tell them about your concerns. This boy is emotionally unwell and has ready access to a deadly weapon and ammunition. That needs to be mitigated. This is the stuff made-for-TV movies are based on.
2. Keep your daughter away from this boy until he's had help and counseling and whatever else he needs to get better. Again, this boy is emotionally unstable and has access to a gun.
Get over your fear of offending or being thought of as "some crazy lady." Think of it like this: What if that were YOUR son? Wouldn't you want to know? How would you want to be told?
Our school case worker has a list of local phone numbers for suicide helplines. I would call your school and see if they have something like this and ask for a copy. Then give a copy to your daughter to give to him. There are hotlines for both kids and parents to call for help. That is the very least I would do. I would also contact the parents even if you don't know them. I would hope someone would contact me if they knew of my kids doing this. It literally could make the difference between life and death. I hope you get some good advice. Good luck!
I'm so glad that your daughter shared this with you. What a terrible burden for her and yourself. I would try talking to him. I would tell him that your daughter was so troubled with what he told her that she had to tell you. Also, mention to him if he said something like that to her and she didn't do anything and he did do something stupid, she would never be able to get over that.
Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. Let him know that you will listen but also let him know that he needs to get help.
Be weary of this friendship with your daughter. Keep tabs on this. You don't want her to get sucked into his drama.
You have to do something now! Better angy than dead!!
Report it to the guidance counselor and let him handle it.
He can talk to his parents, and if they are SMART, even if they are in denial, they will secure that gun and ammo as a precaution.
Better safe than sorry and planning a funeral.
As a parent, I'd want people to TELL ME if any child of mine is talking like this even as a joke.
If I know about it, I can try to DO SOMETHING about it.
The kid needs some professional help.
This is a lot to be laying on your daughter and I'm thinking it's too much for her to handle.
What he does with his life, for good or for bad, is not her responsibility.
She should not be feeling guilty for telling on him - this is not a keeping secret.
If it helps to save his life, even if she loses him as a friend, she should feel good she spoke up so he might get some help.
If she said nothing and he died - she'd feel MUCH worse.
get help now.....dont leave him alone and tell his parents. would u rather her loose him by being angry or by being dead? national suicide hotline is 800-273-8255 make him call. not upsetting people is as crazy as pulling the trigger for him.
GOT OFF THE COMPUTER AND CALL SOMEONE. Good grief, why are we so afraid of OFFending someone more than saving someone? This is a cry for help, whether he's being a drama queen or not CALL someone. School counselor, his parents, frankly I'd go there first, principal, teacher. This happened to us with a young man my daughter met while on tour with a singing group. He lived in another state & they were chatting online. He told her he'd taken a lot of pills and she freaked. We managed to get his address out of him and I called the police. They showed up while he was still online with my daughter and were his parents shocked. He was angry at Sarah and I don't know if they've ever spoken again but I didn't care! If we hadn't done anything and we found out he really did take some pills, we would have to live with that guilt forever. Suicide is rarely something one gets a second chance at, so help this boy now.
If he's a true friend of your daughters he'll see the love yall have for him, may take a while, but he will. Best of luck.
At least tell the parents to move their gun!
Sorry if I'm piling on, but if you haven't already, PLEASE call BOTH the parents AND the school conselor....
I've been that kid...better mad than dead, and better if addressed on more than one front...Telling the parents won't help if they ARE the problem. Telling the school won't help if it IS the problem-- tell them both!
I'd have to call his parents. I'd HAVE to take it very seriously.
I'd apologize a zillion times to my daughter, but I could NOT let it go. I'm sorry.
:(
Perhaps you could go talk to the guidance counselor at his school yourself and work up a plan with him or her to get this boy some counseling services under the guise of 'working on his future', like counselors generally do with kids. If the counselor keeps having him come in, perhaps the boy would open up.
I really think that you have to do SOMETHING. If he does shoot himself, you'll never get over it if you didn't try.
So sorry, Rebecca! This is so hard.
Dawn
TELL!!!!!
Tell the school. It's not about a friendship or feeling stupid or seeming crazy. It's about a life.
You need to try to talk to him. Have your daughter invite him over. You have to tell him that your daughter was so upset about it that she told you and he has to understand the burden of telling someone that kind of information.
If he cannot talk to his parents or the school counselor he needs to find someone that he can go to when he feels scared. And it should be an adult not another kid. It puts the other kid in a bad spot. They are helpless without the aid of an adult.
I am sorry you are going through this but if you save this child it is worth it.
Good luck and BLESSINGS!
D.
I really dont care how angery a person becomes at anyone else for telling me they were going to end there life. Its not like she told a harmless secret. Some secrets especially those that endanger your life are important to reach out to others. Most likely that is what he is doing. There is 1800 suiside prevention numbers. Along with him perhaps having depression that needs to be medicated to help him get back out of the funk. You really need to step up no matter what the consiquences are. I am surprised your letting the reactions of mostlikely he wont talk to her again, or the parents will think your crazy lady, forbiding their son from seeing your daughter. ITS HIS LIFE. Today this needs to be addressed. Find someone who specializes in teen suiside (or suicide) and give the boy the information as well as the boy so they both have it avalible and the boy can reach out on his own if his parents arent supportive. The best quote for me was "Suiside is a perminate solution to a temporary problem".
I hope I did not sound too harsh or rude. Its very important that you change your mind about not wanting to offend people. How offended will his parents be if you know and do nothing because you dont want to "seem like the crazy lady".
People who tell someone their plan are those who WANT HELP!!!!!
He may be counting on your dtr. to tell you, the school counselor, and his parents b/c maybe he doesn't know how.
There are some secrets that are not meant to be kept and this is one of them. Your dtr. needs to let him know that she cares about him and b/c of that she wants to help him whatever that looks like but it will involve telling someone. Let him know that he's not alone and that it's ok to tell and to get help.
He may be dramatic but don't underestimate what he will do if no one comes to his rescue in his moment of crisis. BTW, he'll get over his anger when he feels better and will be grateful that someone cared!!
My prayers are with you, your dtr. and the young man!!!
KP
First off I want to say I'm sorry you are having to deal with this! I've been there and it is so hard, but after what we have been thru I now know how extremely important it is to take this seriously and understand that this young man is crying out for "HELP". He told your daughter for a reason. Secondly, this can not be your daughters responsibility, you need to call the school counselor yourself. Put the ball in the court of people who are used to handling this. I hope this all works out!!!!
It doesn't matter if the boy would be "angry" with your daughter. Why does that even matter? Why haven't you already called this boy's parents? Why does it matter that you don't them?
If your own daughter was found in her room after having committed suicide and you had no inkling that she was even considering it, but you found out later that she had told a friend and she had told her parents, how would you feel about that?
You are morally obligated to tell that boy's parents immediately AND call the school principal directly. Not just the guidance counselor, but the principal. The principal can make sure that the right people are aware of what's going on and that the right people can get that boy help especially if the parents end up not taking this seriously or don't know which resources to use.
Perhaps you can visit with the school counselor or someone at at a Teen Suicide Prevention hotline and ask for suggestions for intervention. Even if what he is doing is to get attention, it is something going on that needs to be dealt with because it causes so much unnecessary stress for your daughter and other who love him. Best of luck in seeking solutions.
