Hi mamas, you've always been so helpful so now I'm back for more help/reassurance! My oldest daughter will be 14 in dec, she's in 8th grade. It is hard to know how things are for your kids at school socially, but she has lots of friends and a core group of 5-6 close friends she gets together with often outside of school. One of them is a boy whom she got very close to over the last 6 months. He 'goes out' with my daughters bff so they are strictly friends, but over the summer started calling each other 'lil' sis' and 'big bro.' He is going thru a tough time-parents divorcing, living arrangements up in the air, injury caused him to be out of football for the season. My daughter has tried to be a good friend thru it all but he's been increasingly distant since school started. I just learned that he is also friendly with some of the 'popular' (aka 'mean') kids. My daughter is friendly with some of them but others (girls) look down on her b/c she is nice to everyone, doesn't dress provocatively, is a bit of a tomboy, doesn't like to wear makeup, etc. I think there may be some jealousy too, as my daughter and friends are quite pretty and receive attention from boys without really trying. It now appears that her 'big bro' is distancing himself b/c he wants to be with the 'in' crowd and my daughter and her other friends are not helping his 'image.' he texted my daughter this morning to say he needs to talk to his gf (my daughters bf). I'm thinking he probably plans to break up with her and thereby cut all ties with them. My daughter is so sad, and I'm just shocked that this boy, who I thought was so nice, would behave this way. I've told my daughter all she can do is be herself and try to be a friend to everyone, but that just sounds so lame and unhelpful. Have any of your teens gone thru this? How did you help them?
Thank you so much for all the words of wisdom. The situation with my daughters friend has improved greatly in the last week. He finally spoke to his gf (my daughters bf) and it appears he was upset with her and the whole group b/c of jealousy over another boy in their circle of friends. That combined with his personal issues were too much to bear so he started distancing himself from them to avoid further pain. After talking to everyone they seem to be getting back to normal and one of his football buddies who normally only hangs out with the 'popular' kids actually joined them for lunch in the cafeteria the other day. My daughter was pleasantly surprised and I was relieved to know that my assessment of her friends character was not as wrong as I'd feared. However this whole experience did teach me how fragile kids are at this age, and that I just have to be there to support my daughter as best I can. I'm sure this will not be the last time 'friend issues' come up. Thank you again so much for all your sage advice!
You really can't shelter her from the teen "drama" that we all go through. There are so many factors here that neither you nor she can control. You are doing all you can do by helping her be her own best friend. It does sound lame, but she can only control her own thoughts and actions----a VERY hard lesson for us all. Be a good role model, and a sympathic ear. You can't do anything more.
Nancy B has it right.... As hard as it is a moms, we can't stop the drama and believe me....it gets worse.
Our job is to be there to support, communicate and most especially, LISTEN.
The friends come and go... BFF this year may not even be a close friend next year and then return to BFF the next. It is a wild ride...
Be available to listen and be empathetic but it is not your problem to solve. It is best if you teach her the reality is that friends come and go and are there for a time and then for what ever reason people move on to different things. It is unrealistic to believe that they are going to keep the exact same friends all the way through.
My daughter changed friends drastically between middle school and 2nd year of high school and it was all fine. It would have been wrong for me to get overly involved in it or try to make them all stay friends.
She can only be herself. She can not be a friend to everyone that is too stressful. Tell her to be her own, kind self and that people will come and go and it all works out. It is an important lesson to learn that the only person she can control is herself. Other people's response to that will fluctuate and it causes stress for her to try to control that.
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Be available to listen and be empathetic but it is not your problem to solve. It is best if you teach her the reality is that friends come and go and are there for a time and then for what ever reason people move on to different things. It is unrealistic to believe that they are going to keep the exact same friends all the way through.
My daughter changed friends drastically between middle school and 2nd year of high school and it was all fine. It would have been wrong for me to get overly involved in it or try to make them all stay friends.
She can only be herself. She can not be a friend to everyone that is too stressful. Tell her to be her own, kind self and that people will come and go and it all works out. It is an important lesson to learn that the only person she can control is herself. Other people's response to that will fluctuate and it causes stress for her to try to control that.
My boys are little, but oh boy, how I remember being that age. I think what you have all ready told her is fine. Now, it's time for ASKING.
Ask her how she feels, what she thinks, etc. After listening, perhpas it would be appropriate to let her know it's fine to feel sad, but that he's making his own choices and that she can't change that. And a repeat of the "his loss" theme never hurts.
She sounds like a lovely young woman and I am sure she'd appreciate the ear and shoulder. And it will build her confidence that she can talk to you through the (possibly) even more difficult few years ahead.
i am sure she is well aware of everything that the boy is going threw. you could just spell it out for her . when people have hard times at home or with something there good at suddenly crashes and falls apart. they look for some sort of self worth in other places. unfortunatly sometimes ppl find it in the wrong places or with the wrong crowds. explain to her that while she dosent have to go out of her way she should try her best to be a great friend if he does decide he wants to be friends. sounds like he is having a hard time but that dosent mean she should be subject to him either.
8th graders? Tell her something like this:
The only thing I think boys this age have their mind on is being accepted and being where they think they are "cool." This boy THINKS that he's joining a 'cool' crowd, while in reality, he's going to be missing out on a real group of friends who aren't fake and rude and stuck-up and mean to others. He will eventually realize his mistake or he will turn into one of the mean guys. Either way, you must stick with your gut and not conform to the 'cool group' who are way too stuck-up.
I went through this personally as a kid. My best friend got accepted by the popular kids and realized I didn't dress trendy enough, listen to the right music, etc. and dumped me completely and later bullied me. Fortunately, I had other friends to get me through it, but it was very difficult. I thought my friend was really nice, too. She came from a Mormon family that was very family-oriented and kind, so there was no sign this was coming. It was immediate and dramatic.
What I would do is let your daughter know that a lot of people in the world are very insecure about themselves. With all that he has going on, that's no doubt the case. People in this position tend to not make wise choices. Let her know you're so proud of who she is as a person and how strong she is to be herself. Remind her of the great friends she does have and that the situation is just a bad reflection on him and his poor choices right now.
So sorry she's going through this! You're a great mom for trying to help her through it.
For what it's worth, you might suggest to your daughter that her "big brother" is going through the same thing a lot of kids do. He's wondering if he's good enough, he's changing friends and "crowds" to make himself feel important, and he's staying up nights wondering if he's important enough yet.
So of course he's making some wrong decisions. She can't change him; she has to let him make his choices. If he truly wants to cut all ties with her, she needs to let him. It's not her fault - and it's sad, because he doesn't realize the value of the friends he's turning his back on. If, when he grows up a bit and his head gets on straight, he wants to be friends with her again, she can decide whether to do that or not.
Your daughter is the "safe" friend and her "big bro" is probably getting attention from the "in" crowd that he lacked himself. Encourage your daughter not to take it personally. I believe in the back of her "big bro's" mind, he knows who he can depend on when it comes down to it. Let her know it is not her, because they worry so much about self esteem. It's part of the process.
Welcome to middle school. Unfortunately, there isn't really much you can do here. At this age, kids are ruthless... they will make fun of anything and everything that is "different" and will do almost anything to get into the "in" crowd. What you can do, is help foster a spirit of security in your daughter... help her to feel comfortable with who she is. Show her how to hold her head high and remind her that this is only temporary... one day, this will come to an end and suprisingly, sometimes even the meanest of teenagers will turn out to be a fairly nice adult.
