Tantrums at School

I am a preschool teacher and am surprised how each of the schools handled the problem. We try to call the parent only as a last resort, (maybe it was a last resort??)as then the child may learn that once he has a tantrum they will call mommy or daddy to come pick me up. I have no ides if this is what is happening in your child's mind.
Is the school trying to work with you on this? Is your child able to verbalize his feelings at all? It would be good to find out what usually causes the tantrums. Hopefully you have a caring teacher who has your child's best interests in mind and will work together with you to resolve the problem.
Meanwhile, the best you can do for your child is to let him know you care.Try to get him to verbalize his feelings to give you some clues. He may need a little extra attention and hugs right now. Try to keep an upbeat and positive attitude about his school and watch what you say in front of him. Children pick up on their parent's feelings very quickly.
If he is strong willed it may be difficult to break this "pattern" of behavior. It is important to find a teacher who will not get into power plays with him,but try to get to the root of the problem. Hopefully it is a "phase" and this will resolve on it's own. I will keep you in my prayers.
M.

S.,
I'd see if you could return him to the "more play" school. Since he didn't have tantrums there maybe he will not associate tantrums with that school. Little kids need more playtime, they will have plenty of time for structure when they are older.
Patty

HI S.

I believe your 4 year old has learned that when he pitches a fit, mom comes. The center that called you that first time did him nor you any favors!!The calling of mom when he had a tantrum likely reinforced his behavior. It will be difficult to break that habit now for it has workrd for him for sometime. His tantruming may get worse in trying to achieve the same result of mom coming. Many centers would have assisted in calming down when he first began the tantruming so he would learn self comforting and good coping skills.
I would discuss with his teacher a plan for handling the tantrums without calling you to come. Perhaps he can go to a quiet room with someone calm until he finishes his tantrum. Perhaps someone could refocus his attention. Perhaps he could go outside and run around to relieve his built up emotions. He needs to learn that he can handle his own emotions and you do not need to come and remove him from having to do so.

The tantruming will get worse ...be prepared...until he realizes it does not work for him anymore.

Good luck! KC

I have a daughter who has a similar spirit to your son, and she just turned 5. We had a really tough time with her right before she turned 5 (she just turned 5 last week!!). A book that really worked well for us is Love and Logic. We allow consequences, either natural or imposed by us, be her "punishment". At school, she is allowed to take an animal to sleep with at nap, but if she does not lay still and listen to the teacher, she loses her privilege of sleeping with her animal as a consequence. I also get calls from the teacher and have to speak to her over the phone; I even had to go to school for her misbehavior not too long ago, which was very traumatic for both her and me. Since then, I have spoken with the preschool administrator and she told me to feel free to call at random times during the day to check on how she is doing. They radio the teacher and she can choose to talk to me directly or just give them an update. It seems to be doing the trick. She has been much better behaved. We also do not give second chances or more minutes and stick firm to rules we set. Once she realized we would not give in, even if she screamed, she started to make better decisions. Plus I tell her that God gave her to us and it is our job to teach her good self-control and the right way to act. I encourage her to pray whenever she needs help making good choices. I hope this provides some comfort and please feel free to email whenever needed. Parenting is not easy!

My first question is to question what the school is doing when he acts out? Is he just being removed? How are they handling it before calling you?

Second, have you requested a child study? This is where the teachers monitor his behavior in each time period of the day to see if the triggers to the behavior. Sometimes, the incentive of having all smiley faces come home on a chart every day can be much of the incentive needed to behave.

All behavior is a form of communication. Figure out what he is trying to say (easier said than done) and you can change to behavior!

Why does he say he is misbehaving? Ask about problems with other kids, not liking to do the schoolwork, not being able to see or hear the teacher, etc. Do understand that he may not be able to articulate it, but listen to what he says, and take that with a grain of salt to talk to the teacher about his behavior.

Behavior modification reminder -
Positive reinforcement works much better than punishment for changing ingrained behavior. Give him a reason to behave, and withold privledges for not behaving. TV, video games, and fast food mare privledges. The best reinforcements are gifts of special time - good day at school could be rewarded with a special 1-on-1 story time, for example.

Feel free to contact me privately if you want.

I am sorry to hear of the problems that you are having with you son. I have a couple of ideas for you, see if the tantrums happen after eating certain food, or at a certain time of day. I know first hand that food allergies can show up suddenly and have very wierd reactions in children. Also your son may be suffering from low blood sugar and if his blood sugar starts to drop he gets angry and frustrated easily. (I have it, and suffer from the same thing) Also, if he does the same at home you need to have him evaluated by his doctor or some other perfessional to rule out aspergers syndrome. If it only happens at school this is most certainly not the case. But I strongly suggest checking out the food allergies, or hyperglycemia/ hyoglycemia. Feel free to contact me if you have any questions. Best of luck. God bless.

I have two suggestions for you.

1) Ignore the tantrums and instruct the teachers to do so as well. You are only rewarding him for his bad behavior. You are also letting him control the situation. Find out what is sparking the tantrums and have short talks with him to help him understand that it's not the way to solve the situation. I suggest finding books on Positive Discipline. There are several out there, and if you're like me, I just cruise the book aisle for what I can get my hands on immediately. Positive Discipline also goes by the Adlerian Theory.

3) Don't punish yourself for decisions made. You are trying to be the best parent you can be, no questions asked, and no blame. Accept it, and see what you can learn from past actions to change future ones. Take a time out yourself, to look at what works and what doesn't. Sometimes it's hard to see the real issue when you get caught up in the bad behavior and trying to fix it immediately.

Hey S.!

I'm so sorry to hear that you are having this kind of trouble with your son in school. I agree with the other response that you got. It sounds like it could be a problem within the schools. I would request going in to observe the classroom. See if it's possible to do that without your son knowing it.

Also, have they asked for some advice from you on how to handle the situation? I used to teach and parents are valuable assets to the success of our students. Maybe you can offer the teachers and staff some help with him.

I know that my son acts out when he's not getting enough positive attention. He is very goofy, and if I don't embrace that every once in a while, he keeps acting that way until he gets a negative response. So I'm thinking that maybe he is trying to get attention because maybe he isn't getting enough??

Feel free to contact me as well if you want to chat!
Hope this helps!

Hello,
I don't knowif this advice will help but I usually think acting out and tantrums are a sign of needing attention. It sound like your son is doing it for that reason. If you have time, you should go to the library and check out a book about boys (such as For the Love of Boys). It talk about how boys need lots of exercise and outside time. It talks about how they react to being frustrated or needing attention and this is one way. I think 3 years old is a hard age for kids. My daughter went through a very clingy stage at 3. My son had a rough year too due to potty training, big boy bed, new sister. I hope the book will give you some insight and help.
S.