Talking to a 3 Yo About the Death of a Sibling

C.,
I am the oldest of five children and my mom had seven miscarriages--at various stages--so I've seen the reactions of younger siblings. Some were too young to know anything, but others were aware. I don't have any easy answers, but I do carry a book on my website that was written by a hospice minister. It is designed to help young children when there is a death in the family and I think it might be helpful. The title is "Thunder and Lightning Explain what it's Like to Die" and it does a very good job in a way that takes away the fear factor for children. It is a paperback book, fully illustrated for little kids and the cost is $8 plus tax and shipping. If you live in the area and would like one, maybe you can stop by and save the shipping amount. The web page is: http://www.winmarkcom.com/thunderlightning.htm and all my contact information is at the bottom of the page if I can be of help.
K. Winters, Mother of Family Ideas

My heart just hurts for you. I am sorry you are going through this. I had conjoined twins that we lost almost 4 yrs ago. At the time my now almost 5 yr old was only 17 months. We didn't share anything with him until the babies were born and taken to heaven. He just wouldn't understand.

So my advice is to wait til the baby is born. I know your little guy is older than mine was but I still think that is the best way. Let him enjoy his brother while he can. When we did tell my son, we told him that his brothers were so special that God decided he wanted to play with them.

I also want to encourage you. I know what the dr's are saying is discouraging, but take heart and have faith in God. He is the MASTER PHYSICIAN! He can change things and the dr's won't even know it. I wouldn't and didn't put God in a box and just accept the dr's words as truth. To a certain degree prepare yourself, but don't accept them talking death to you.

I will be praying for you.
B.

I can't even imagine how difficult this must be for all of you. I wish you strength and peace through this.

I don't have experience in your situation, but just wanted to comment on one point. Many people suggest saying things along the lines of "God/Jesus loved him so much/needed him so much, he was so very special to God/Jesus that He wanted him to be an angel right away." Please tread carefully here... telling such things to a 3 yr old can make him feel that he is not as special, not as loved or needed that "God" didn't want him. I think that's a very hard concept for a 3 yr old to understand.

Some kids will also take that to feel great anger at "God" - as in "I need my brother more than "God" does and why doesn't god just make some other angel and not take our boy?" Some children can also have great fear that mommy or daddy might be so special and so wonderful that "God" will take one of them. I worry about creating a lot of fear in such a young child as your little guy.

If you want to refer to God or Jesus, I would perhaps phrase it that the baby brother has a part of him that didn't grow properly and he would be in pain and suffering here on earth, so "G/J" (or whoever) will take him to be an angel where he will have no pain and never suffer and always watch over his brother and sister on earth. Something along those lines... just my opinion.

C. -
I'm sorry I have no words of advice for you. When the time comes, I feel like the right words will come to help your son understand and accept. I felt compelled to respond, though, simply to say that my heart aches for your loss. I pray that your faith and the love of your family will give you strength and comfort. God bless you and your family.

Dear C.,

I am so sorry to hear about what is happening. I will pray for you and your family and hope that things go the way you want them to. About your 3 year old boy. I can understand about how to talk to him about it. I had a miscarriage between my two boys and my oldest was 3 when it happened and was so excited that Mommy was going to have a baby. When the miscarriage happened it broke our hearts to tell my little one. We found the best thing to do was to be honest. Explain that the baby is sick and that when he is born he will be going with the Angels. That he will not be able to go with you because God needs him. I can understand not wanting to scare him but they are pretty understanding and its really all in the way to tell him. When he asks about the baby explain to him again. It is very hard but it is best to not let him expect something that may not happen. Good luck to you and your family! I will pray for you!

M.

well, you could say that a family that cant have kids wanted a son & you gave them a present.

you could say God wanted him because he was very special & he needs him(baby) to help him with helping other families who dont have kids.

this is tough....good luck

A lot of how you explain it to him has to do with your family's beliefs. I believe families are eternal and that baby will be your son forever and your 3 year old's brother forever.

You said you told him about angels, but not that his brother is unwell. Death is not something to be afraid of. the younger generation know more spiritually than we usually give them credit for. When he asks about his "baby boy", tell him. If you start crying, explain you are looking forward to spending as much time with him as you can, but you will miss him very much. He will have an angel brother and that's exciting, not scary.

It's okay for you to cry about it. It's okay for him to not cry about it. It's okay for you both to be excited to have a new family member. And it's okay for you to not want him to die.

I have 2 sisters that passed away when they were little (one a baby and one a toddler). They were born and died before I was born, but I always knew about them and always counted them among my siblings.

Remember your 3yo will get a lot of his feelings about this from you and dad. Be forthcoming with information he will understand. You could use this to teach him a lot about the human body, how excited you were to have him when he was born, about your family's spiritual beliefs, and how sometimes people will just need a hug.

--R. J.
Mom of 7 and hoping I'm doing okay with them.

Wow C., that must be so hard for you and your husband to deal with. I am so sorry. Phoenix Children's Hospital has a child life department. Their job is to work hard things like this out with children. They possibly would work with you or give you some ideas. My thoughts and prayers will be with you. C.

I want you to know that I support your decision is asking for help in a most difficult situation to face. Please don't be sorry. I think it sad if parents can not come together and help when it REALLY counts.

I am not in same situation, but have had similar with the death of my older childrens' father. Things get mostly back to normal most of the time...but there are still times when the kids need more reassurance and just a safe place to express their grief and loss. It is very hard to be supportive at times when oneself needs support too. I commend you for asking for support/advice.

I can only suggest that you be prepared for the emotional reactions the best that you can,...go through them, let your family go through them,... and to keep being grateful for all the wonderful things in life that you are gifted with each day.

*warm hugs,
L.

I feel your pain. I lost my son at 7 years old and now 24 years later I finally own an angel store in his memory. I sell a book by Nancy Noel that is a beautiful book and I believe the story will help you to explain your child's passing should that happen. and if it does remember that he is an old soul and possibly agreed when the two of you signed your sacred contracts that he would not make it through the birth for long because he only had one brief lesson for him to learn to finish his journey while helping you with your lessons that you wanted to learn here on earth most likely compassion and unconditional love. I am a medium and when I do angel readings for clients in my store and bring through children they have miscarried or have died very young after or before birth the children always seem to give this message to the parents through me. If you want to come to the store it is called Angel Wings and Other Fine Things at 7121 E 5th ave Ste 1 cross streets Scottsdale Rd and 5th ave in Scottsdale. the number is ###-###-#### we are open til 5 pm 7 days a week. God Bless you and your child and if you should need to talk about the burial and decide to cremate your darling I can get you beautiful urns much cheaper than a mortuary and they all have angels on them. I know that is a very sensitive subject and please forgive me if I have over stepped my bounds but it is a reality you must think about and much less expensive with the economy the way it is. in light and love blessings to you, P.

I am very sorry you are going through this. My son and dil went through the same thing with their first child. They didn't have any other kids at the time, but it was very hard on everyone. It is very smart and strong for you to be trying to think of him and his emotions while you are also grieving. And know that it's ok if the kids see you cry.

When my first husband died, hospice offered free grief counseling for the kids even though he wasn't in the program. You may want to call them and see if they have any suggestions or play therapy if he needs it down the road. One thing you may want to be aware of is not to tell him the baby is sleeping. Your son may not want to go to bed again.

I hope you and your family can find peace soon.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I will be praying for all of you. God apparently has a very important purpose for your child. Your son must be pretty special because he is being called to his purpose before being "trained" here on earth. He has a perfect spirit that is ready for his appointed place in heaven. That may be difficult to explain to your 3-year-old, but it is amazing how children are born with faith and an innocence that allows them to hope without expectation. However you choose to explain and no matter what words you select, keep it simple. He will understand.

I don't really have any ideas other than what you are already doing. It may just take time for him to understand. However, I do want to wish you the best and my thoughts and prayers are with your family during this difficult time.

I am so sorry that your time with your son will be so short. I can't imagine what you are going through, but I do know there is a community of families that have been through the same thing. There are two wonderful blogs that I follow that deal with the loss of a child very soon after birth. Both women from these specific blogs are very spiritual, but there are links in their blogs that are resources that are a bit less religious if that would be your preferance.

The first blog is written by a woman named Angie who lost her 4th daughter just a few hours after her birth.
http://www.audreycaroline.blogspot.com

The second is by Stacy who had just 16 minutes with her son Issac. He is her first child and altough that isn't your situation she does have links to some other blogs and websites that Angie doesn't that you may find very helpful as well.
http://www.sgirl79.blogspot.com

If you have any trouble finding these blogs please let me know & I'll double check the spellings for you - I'm doing this from memory right now.
____@____.com

HI C.,
I just wanted to write to say you and you're family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

C.,
I am so sorry you are going through this. I know someone else who was in a similar situation. Her water broke early and her baby was stillborn. She has a son who was 3 at the time. I asked her for advice and here is what she said:

Oh goodness, that is heartbreaking!

I really think it depends on the person. For us, being straight, yet gentle at the same time, with him worked best for us. For my girlfriend, she found that books worked better. There are some really great ones that she mentioned to me, but we just never found the need for them. I believe one is called "We were supposed to have a baby but had an angel instead". - that's the one she was going to let me borrow.

Anyway, the day after we lost our baby and I came home, My son and I were sitting outside in the front yard. He asked about the baby, and I simply told him that he wasn't in my belly anymore, and that he was with Jesus now. Of course, this sparked questions about who Jesus was, where he lived, and why our baby was with him. I did my best to be honest, but put it in simple terms so that he would understand.
We went through the whole life and death with him and let him know that it's how things are. People live and people die, but sometimes, there are the little babies that are just soooo special that Jesus wanted them with him right away, and they didn't get a chance to be here like we are. He took to that pretty well, and seemed to be OK with it.

What surprised me the most was how it affected him so much. That's one thing that I wasn't expecting at all, and was probably the hardest. They know A LOT more than we give them credit for. For awhile he was mad, he didn't want anyone else to have his brother, and wanted him here. That was probably the most difficult for him to understand - why someone else had his little brother, and we didn't.
My mom had gotten me a figurine of an angel holding a swaddled baby. I used that to try and explain to him that a beautiful woman like the figurine was taking care of him. He calls the baby she is holding by his brother's name now, which is very cute, lol. I think for him to have that image in his head, made it easier for him. He could somewhat put a face to the "person" who his baby brother is with.

I also found that for our family, it's best that we talk about the baby and include him in the family as much as possible. It helps my husband and I, but I also think it helps our 3 year old in a way too. So that he remembers him, and he knows that he didn't just "disappear" you know?

So really...the main two things I kept in mind during all of this was to be GENTLE YET TRUTHFUL. Keeping those two thing the focus of conversation helped tremendously!

First, let me say I am so sorry to hear about your baby. I lost my nephew to the same condition just 4 weeks ago and while it wasn't a brother I had a hard time explaining to my own kids that there would be no cousin. I think you are just going to have to keep telling him that God has decided that the baby needs to go to heaven to be one of his angels. It will probably take a while but it will make since at some point. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family!

WOW C.,
your story has brought tears to my eyes!
Death is not an easy subject for even most adults
I know...your questions are tough. I can't offer
any solid advice, expect maybe seeking the guidance
of your pastor, priest, or church member. Surely
your OB's office can direct you to some resources
to help you get through this.
You sound like a strong and grateful woman, my
thoughts and prayers will be with you, surely
you'll find the best way to get through this
painful time.
Besh wishes,

I am so, so sorry that you and your lovely family will need to go through this.

From reading your own entry, it's as if you already have the answer within you. There are no magical words, and there never will be any magical words to make this situation any easier. It is obvious that you are a compassionate and thoughtful wife/mother/woman. Continue to allow these traits to be present for your family when needed.

My husband deals with dying children in his profession as a child neurologist. It is truly not the normal cycle of life and presents a complicated array of emotions, no matter the age or culture or circumstances. He always recommends that families understand the five stages of death and dying. The stages are dubbed DABDA:

D - Denial
A - Anger
B - Bargaining
D - Depression
A - Acceptance

Time will heal some, but not all. Your 3 year old will undoubtedly go through all the stages, but typically cycle through them faster if he is loved and supported. By familiarizing yourself with the stages, you'll understand your families need as they arise.

One particular family my husband worked with was a woman who lost 7 babies, full term. The couple eventually went on to have healthy pregnancies and children. But she took photos of each of her babies right after birth. framed them beautifully and portrayed them along with the other baby photos. And the young living children knew all their names. I'm wondering if it would be possible to allow your 3 yr. old to hold his baby brother so he has an opportunity to say both hello and goodbye. And then later,when the family is having a sad moment, he too can help comfort his mommy and daddy.

OK, so I'll need to right later, because I have tears streaming down my face and I can't see the computer screen anymore.

My sincere sympathy,
Jennifer

I am so sorry to hear of your impending loss. I have no idea of how to help you explain this to your 3yo other than what you have said and the previous person said. The only advice I can give you is to contact your local NILMDTS-Now I lay me down to sleep. It is a national volunteer group of photographers dedicated to helping preserve the memories of your little one. They would help document those moments you have with your baby before and after the passing. I understand it helps accepting the loss. I am not a member at this time because I just do not have the strength right now to maintain my composure, but they are a very caring group. I will keep you all in my prayers.
http://www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org/

Hello C..
I can't begin to imagine what your family must be going through right now! I'm very sorry to hear that and i wanted to say that you and your family are in our prayers!
God bless!
S.