Sux to Be a Step Mom Sometimes!

I'm sure it is hard being a step mom.
I loved my stepfather more than my own father but I didn't call him "dad." What's in a name?
Honestly, I can see why the other girls are upset about being left out. I don't think you can compare a girl's night at their church with a ballet weekend and expect them to feel like they have been treated equally.
I know you are frustrated that you & your daughter haven't had a night alone since you were single but you're not single and this guy came with a few attachments. Deal. You signed up for this, remember?

I understand your perspective but I don't think kids should call their step-parents mom or dad unless it is what THEY want. My husband and I have been together since my son was 3 and he does not call him dad. Not because he can't but because he chose not to (asked if he could, told he could if he wanted, said he would after the wedding but then never did). He will sometimes refer to him as dad when talking to his friends because most of them don't know his bio dad. He has never called his step-mom mom to my knowledge. My point is I wouldn't stress over that.

You do have a tough job. Hang in there.

If you want your step children to love you and treat you with respect, then the only option you have is to love them. Just like they are your biological children. Even if they are rude and disrespectful. This is probably the hardest thing to do, and as a step parent who has overcome this obstacle, I can say that it is possible.

I love love love my step daughter, and normally, I don't even refer to her as my step daughter, I am only doing it now because this is the subject matter. She is my daughter, and I am her mom, and when she's here, I treat her as mine.

It was not easy in the beginning. To be honest, I didn't even want her around. I felt absolutely threatened by her, and I spent a lot of time sabotaging the relationship between her and my husband, which I deeply regret now, but am thankful that she was too little to remember.

I just made a decision one day that I would not allow the division in our family anymore, and that I was going to love her. It was not easy, but it was so worth it! She is such a precious girl, and I'm so glad that I made the decision that I did. You are the adult in this situation, and things are not going to change, until you change. I know that is probably not what you want to hear, but it is the truth. I wish you the best. It will most certainly be hard on you, but if you truly want it, you'll have it.

K.

Well, I've been a stepparent for 30 years, and my best advice is to get together with your husband, set house rules and punishments, and then stick to them. You are treating them like stepchildren, so that's all they'll ever be. Stop worrying about them not calling you "mom". If you treat them like your own, they'll start behaving like it. You should absolutely punish them---don't you punish yours? If you and dad are in agreement about what punishment should be, you can hand it out and know he'll back you up. The secret is to be a united front, whether dealing with your own or your spouse's children. Don' let them see any cracks between you--- they can't play one against the other if you both have the same answers.
PS. Just saw your additional remark and one thing stood out---you asked them if Kryste could come to the church thing? Maybe you're trying too hard to be a friend to these girls, instead of parenting them. I know it's hard to develop that mentality, but you agreed to be a parent when you married, so don't hold yourself back. Let yourself be a parent.

I am a stepmom too and I love my stepsons dearly, but yeah, sometimes it really bites. They are now 16 and 17, and I've been a part of their lives the past 10 years. Their dad and I got married 6 years ago and now have a 3 year old girl of our own. Their parents separated when they were 4 and 5 so I had nothing to do with that. The boys are wonderful and their mom has been great for the most part, but it had not been a bed of roses either. I have found myself get irritated simply because she handles things way different sometimes than I would. She's not been as strict with them as maybe I would have been but I've learned that how they are disciplined by her and their dad isn't really any of my business and I'm better off just butting out. Like when they got caught last year smoking pot and Mom decided to ground them for a month, but then it ended up only being 2 weeks. Now the oldest one is a senior in high school and talks like he wants to go to college but has not taken any of the necessary steps (like taking the SAT, getting applications together, etc.). This worries me, but again, it's up to his parents to deal with him, not me. Anytime I've tried to get more involved, beyond just being "fun and games" stepmom, I've gotten an earful from their mom about how I am not their mom and it's not my place to discipline them and she will handle it. It does not help that often they would go to their mom with complaints about me and she would get all upset before hearing my side of the story or considering that maybe I did have a valid point, despite not being a mother myself at that time. I've learned to pick and choose my battles and when one of them gets out of line, I just tell their dad about it and let him handle it.

I think it's probably harder to be a stepmom to girls rather than boys. I think sometimes you just do the best you can, make the decisions you make, and realize that not everyone is going to happy about it. I would let their mom and dad handle the discipline and if they want to pick fights with you, just let them know that you will not tolerate any disrespect and you refuse to argue with them. If they have an issue, they can take it up with their dad, and hopefully he will back you up.

p.s. I would not get hung up on them calling you Mom. They have a Mom, they should be able to call you what they feel comfortable calling you. My stepsons have always just called me by my first name, same as many of our close adult friends.

p.s.s. I just read your "so what happened" entry, and saw that you are 27. And your oldest stepdaughter is 13. Which is only a 14 year difference. Maybe that could be a reason she's having trouble accepting you?

It's hard being the step child too. =) They are immature. Try to let it go, if you can. Venting is a great stress reliever so I understand you needing to get things off your chest. Hang in there and know that this too shall pass. Hopefully, you'll be best friends when they're older. It seems to me that if you can just let immature and temper tantrum stuff slide and only address the real important issues, be cheerful and loving (and stern when need be) then they'll grow to appreciate the part you have in the family. I hope that's encouraging to you!! Hang in there!! You're a great mom to them all!

Let get one thing out of the way. It does not stop when they graduate High School. You have college, weddings, babies and the rest of your life you will be involved. I am the mom and I work things out with the step mom all the time. Its just so easy to get along. You might have a difficult mom to deal with and that stinks.

I do have one question for you. Your words......."but when i DON'T include them on the smallest thing...................i do try to love them as my own;"

Why wouldn't you include them in the weekend?? Do you have them every weekend? I would do this when it not your weekend so they do not feel excluded. My kids extended family does this also. I have seen how hurt my children were when this has happened. This is what makes them feel like outsiders.

You have a hard job. I wish you luck!

I have recently become a 'blended family' and found it unbearably hard. My step-child is now starting to punish his Dad by refusing to come over unless he gets 1 on 1 time only with his Dad and he refuses to join the family. He also says being a our house is so boring he'll only come if he has a friend to stay.

He's an only child, so there are complications there too, trouble sharing, self-centered etc. If what you wrote is what I have to look froward to, I wish someone had told me before!! I guess we work through it and be patient.

Do you think your step daughters are clueless to the fact that you hate being a step mom to them??? You are counting down the time until they graduate.....guess what, he will still be their dad! You married a man with two children and he has emotional and financial committments to them. Hopefully he doesn't hate being a step father to your daughter. Wow, sounds like a sad situation for the kids.