Surviving Cry It Out

I could be wrong here but, if I understand correctly, CIO doesn't mean leaving them to cry on and on and on and on and on.
It means the first night you go in after some number of minutes.
And the second night you go in after some larger number of minutes.
And the third night you go in after some even larger number of minutes.
etc.
Right?
So . . . it seems to me that each time you're done with an illness,
you'd go back to square 1. Yes?
Now I'll read the other answers.
I'm not too old to learn something new.
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Oh. I see I was (kinda) describing the Ferber method.
A variation of CIO.
Well, I have no recommendations to contribute to CIO efforts.
Despite all the comments I've read here about how wonderful you'll feel after the program works, I believe I'd never be able to let a child scream
for any length of time. My physical and emotional reactions
would get in the way.
Good luck.

I did it with my daughter at the same age. For practical tips, what helped a lot was to do it at the beginning of the night, not just when she awoke in the middle. We did the Ferber method (5 min, 10 min, 15 min intervals for going in).

Emotionally, it really helped that she could understand what we were saying. Actually, eventually my husband just went in and said, "I know you're not happy about this, but you're a big girl and you can go to sleep." And she did. It was much more like not giving into a tantrum than actual "sleep training." I recommend prepping your daughter before bed during the routine "tonight, I'm going to put you in your bed, and I'm not going to stay until you are asleep. You'll be cozy and snuggled and you'll drift right off. I'm sure you can do this..." Even if she isn't super verbal, I always felt better telling my kids what was upcoming.

I agree to turn the monitor off. You're just torturing yourself by magnifying it. It helped me to read a book while she was crying. Finally, if she is crying in the middle of the night, turn on a light (in your room, not hers) and read, watch TV, something. Laying in the dark listening to her cry is the worst.

Finally, DO NOT let yourself get guilted into feeling about about this by people in real life or people on this board. YOU made the parenting choice that you think is best, there is all kinds of evidence that it works and presents no long term (or even short term) harm to children. You will be a better mother for getting some sleep, and that is what really matters to your relationship.

Good luck. I hope it goes fast.

How long is she crying? Is she fussing or screaming? If the crying is that bad--go in--lay her back down with minimal to no talking , except maybe-sleepy time or something like, and leave--Repeat this. Just your presence will reassure her and the consistency of your actions--she screams you lay her down will help. Some kids , like my DD, need to be guided back to their sleep routine after periods of illness and other developmental blips. You are probably going to have to "retrain" her alot so why bother with full CIO if she will repeat the night waking anyway? Just a thought--I don't think it is the crying that helps them sleep on their own, it is the consistency of your actions

In the Mamapedia search bar (top right) if you type in "crying it out" it will lead you to many of the past posts with lots of ideas and reassurances.

It's all about being full. A hungry baby WILL NOT SLEEP. A full baby will not stay awake. Even if she seems to be eating enough during the day, I guarantee you she can eat much more. Add snacks and meals. Wait a few days for her body to register the extra calories and fullness. Around night 3, start CIO again. Just don't go in there. At her age, she's WAY old enough to sleep through, and she's used to getting you to give up on it, so it won't be as easy as if you had done it earlier, but just focus on how much better she and everyone else will feel when she falls asleep and stays asleep on her own. You're doing the right thing. Walk out of the room after a nice routine, and don't go back. If she's full, she won't cry for long once she knows you won't come back. This advice came form a mother of 12 and worked with all mine.

Hi S. ;-)

I can actually remember those days.. and nights, even though my daughter is 23 years old now! I wish I had known what I know now, about how our bodies work energetically. You asked for suggestions, so I would like to offer a very simple, easy to learn balancing technique to help the brain to go into a calm relaxed state. It is from this state, that it can facilitate body balance and healing.

You may find this technique on my website www.amyfreundbodytalk.com. There is a tab on the right for videos of Dr. John Veltheim teaches how to tap the CORTICES, which is the brain. This is a technique you can learn to use on yourself, and your whole family.. friends.. animals... whomever!

There are two videos: The first is Dr. Veltheim talking about our brains and what happens to them when they experience stress (life!) and the second one is the demonstration of the technique, which takes just about 30 seconds to do.

Try it on your child before you are ready to put her down for sleep, then tap yourself out and lets see how it goes!
hugs,
A. www.amyfreundbodytalk.com

well, the answer isnt an easy one. there is no easy way to deal with the crying. you are telling her that you dont want to respond to her, and that is upsetting.

i used to be VERY anti-cry it out. however, i read a blog post that helped me understand better. heres the link (and PS: READ THE LINK that she directs you to also!!!)
http://www.askmoxie.org/2006/06/babies_and_cio.html

the link she refers you to in the article:
http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006/02/qa_what_are_sle.html

your daughter is obviously an increaser. you are not going to get any more sleep by forcing her to cry, it obviously only increases her distress, and she just gets more and more worked up. i know you are tired, i know you are frustrated, i know that it isnt fair. but ive had an increaser too and i literally know how you feel. my son slept with us, and it didnt matter, whatever arrangement got us the most sleep. he is 4 today !! and he still sometimes comes on in and sleeps with us around 4 am. who cares? one of these days hes going to be 13 and not want us to hug him anymore, im taking advantage of this time with my son that other moms arent lucky enough to get. :)

its up to you. you can do it or not. at her age, she is "old enough" to fuss a little. but it sounds to me like its far too much trouble to make her just increase in distress. she obviously has a need. likely its just a passing phase. when shes 3 and pulling miss snotty pants, you will only remember this time by how YOU felt about it; guilty or confident. in all parenting, make sure your choices are confident, down to the bottom of your heart for sure the right choices FOR YOU. (remember, in all things, especially when reading people's advice, YOU are the parent, and you have to do the best for YOUR family as i do for mine) :)

some other links: take what you want and throw out what you dont.

http://www.drmomma.org/2010/10/babies-arent-soldiers.html...

http://www.drmomma.org/2009/12/should-baby-soothe-himself...

http://www.authenticparenting.info/2010/02/do-they-really...

http://www.3daysleep.com/index.asp?ref=728x90MAMA
(i have not tried the 3 day sleep, its 29.95 and i have heard many good things about it if you are willing or interested.)

basically, my thoughts are that every parent has the instincts for their own child. really, are you getting any rest while shes in another room screaming? no probably not (and if you were, i would be MORE worried!). what do you have to do to solve the problem for your daughter and family? do you just need a night away ? find grandma or someone you trust to watch her overnight, and get away. they dont need to give you the play by play the next morning. find/get white noise. we found a great CD "for crying out loud" is the name of it - it has 8 nine-minute tracks that are each a different type of white noise. hair dryer, washing machine, windshield wipers, ocean waves, and our favorite addiction; the vaccuum. the key is to stop worrying about what "the experts", doctors, your friends, your parents or anyone else says, and find out what the problem is and solve it in a way that fulfills the needs of your family. a fulfilled need goes away, an ignored need turns into something undesireable. pick your battles, and remember your child is still a little kid; there are a lot of things she doesnt understand yet, and she is NOT a soldier! (see link above). you are in the position to affect the next generation of people, and regardless of what people say, our parenting has more of a direct affect on that than anything else these kids will experience. sending them out into the world with loving guideance is more beneficial than sending them out like a drill sergent.

do what is best for everyone. yes, you are going to be tired. anyone who says parenting isnt exhausting is a liar!!! parenting is the hardest, most exhausting, frustrating and draining job you will ever have! but it is also the most rewarding. for me, having a 4 year old that still snuggles, kisses, hugs, and who still wants me to be around while other parents around me are constantly fighting with their kids.... ill take what ive got over any other parenting style even if they 'got more sleep'. sleep disruptions are so so temporary. like i said, pretty soon you will have a 3 year old attitude, a confused tween, a moody teenager.... the better you know your daughter and her needs NOW at 17 months, the easier its going to be to read her needs later. i promise you, you wont regret following your heart and your needs (no matter what they are - even if they go against what ive said!!!).
YOU are the only ones given the exact instincts for your child. GO with them.

Put a fan on so you can't hear it. Sleep with a fan in your room. Perhaps have her sleep with a fan or noisemaker in your room. If you have to, take a walk around the block or go shovel some snow or listen to some music. It helps.
Good luck!

Hi,
I don't agree with cio method. But I have experience with helping others who do-- I respect your decision. When your child is crying, set the timer and see if your hubby could stay in the house while you take a quick walk around the block to pass the time while your hubby stays and listens for your child. It will help for you not to hear the baby--- when she senses that you are less stressed about this, she will be too and will settle down easier. Make sure you have a set routine and don't waiver from it. Ex. dinner, bath, books, bedtime. Make sure she is really wound down at this time and relaxed so when you take her to her room she is already drowsy. Keep dim lights and soft voices. Almost just a tone above a whisper. I hope this helps and good luck!

Molly

we're doing this with my daughter right now. i cannot handle her crying. my boyfriend can be the toughie easily though. so i basically go in my room and he handles her. if going to another room doesn't help, go run an errand, or go in the bathroom and run the water. maybe put in an ipod and blast it while you do chores around the house. keep yourself busy. it gets better every day. i promise. my daughter even went to her dad's the day after we started it, but when she got home, she remembered what we were doing and expected it. like i said, just keep yourself busy while this happens, and the extra sleep you can get will help everyone in the family.

We started with the CIO at bedtime. At 1 1/2 we still had to rock my son to sleep and put him in his crib, if he woke up while laying him down he would start to cry, and we would pick him up and start over. Bedtime was taking 30-40 minutes. I tried to go in at intervals, tried to go in a not pick him up, just gently lay him back down but all these things upset him more. Eventually would just did our bedtime routine and layed him down and walked out of the room, we let him cry until he fell alseep. It took 10 days for him to get himself to sleep, all the books I read said it would probably take 3-5 days. The first several days it took him 35-45 minutes of crying the books said it might take 15-20 minutes.
I sat in the hall outside his room and cried too. Eventually I realized I couldn't listen, I would go take a shower or go for a drive, and a big glass of wine helped!
You'll find what works best for you and your child, good luck.

Not to be rude or anything, but what is wrong with just rocking them to sleep? I have a 4 yr old and 1 1/2 yr. old. I rocked both of them until they were sleeping. They grow up so very fast and I love holding them and spending time with them. FYI.....I haven't rocked my 4 yr old for a LONG time:) I think when you put them in bed, turn off the light, close the door...they are SCARED!!! I would think they feel abandon. Some nights my 1 1/2 yr old will fall asleep in minutes other nights it may be longer. I just tell myself, this won't last forever and I won't be able to hold them tight and make them feel safe.

Good Luck

You don't say if you have a bedtime routine. If not start one. Mind went like this: dinner, bath, story, bedtime. It takes a few nights maybe a week for her to understand the routine. Then her brain will understand that sleep is coming. Children thrive on routine. They need to know what comes next that way there are no surprises. Also never make bedtime a punishment. if your child is naughty and you say okay you are tired, then they see going to bed as a punishment instead of the healthy way of looking at it. The body needs rest but a child won't see it that way if bedtime is a punishment.

Ugh...I feel you. It's so hard. Not much helps, to be honest, but I agree with looking at the clock. It really does last much less time than you are thinking it does! It feels like 30 minutes and then you realize it's only been 10. Also, take out the monitor, close all the doors and turn on the TV if you have to. You can still hear the crying, but at least you're distracted, sort of! ;) I mean you're not sleeping anyway, so there's no harm in turning on the tv, even if it's 2 in morning! I think the thing that helps the most is that you and hubby are on the same page...that will help more than anything b/c one of you won't be trying to convince the other one to go and get the baby. Trust me, once this period is over and your daughter is going to sleep on her own, your life will change! You are doing what you need to do and just hang in there. I have had more than one night with the covers pulled over my head!

Oh...and I'm pretty sure this is what you're doing, but I wanted to say that if she's sick or something you should throw CIO out the window until she's better! once you have an established routine, even if she does get sick, most of the time she will fall right back into her normal routine after she's better. Sometimes I think after sickness or vacation it's going to be a bear to get my kids back to bed, but really it's not that bad, they know what to expect now and it's all good!

Use your husband as your rock, and vice versa. Last time we did it was when DS was 17mos exactly. It took 23 minutes, and we had to keep talking each other out of going in. But after that single stretch of crying, it was all over for good. So just use each other to remind yourselves of why you're doing it.
It's so hard when you can hear them screaming for "mama!", but in the end, it'll all be worth it. Just know you're not alone, and she'll love you just the same in the morning!

have a plan of stuff to do. Clean the kitchen, take a shower, read a book, etc. Don't just stand outside the door and listen to her scream... no one could handle that. Also, keep track of how long it takes her to fall asleep each night. When you see the time decrease each night you'll see that it really is working and this will improve your resolve. At 17 months she should deff. be sleeping through the night - there is nothing that she needs that can't wait till morning.

I'd also recommend a sleep white noise machine. This really helped both my kids. With my first, I had a machine that only turned on when he cried. That was awesome, because it responded so I didn't have to. I'm not sure they make them like that anymore, but maybe on e-bay... Also, have you read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby. Best sleep book ever.

Good luck. You'll be so happy on the other side of this.

PS - the longer you wait and the older she gets, the worse it is going to be. DO IT NOW!

This is so funny that you posted this (okay, so not really at all). We JUST started (this is our fourth night) sleep training. My 11 month old son has been sleeping in our bed since birth and finally my husband said enough is enough, either he sleeps in his bed, or I sleep on the couch. So.. needless to say, I had to do something. With my older daughter (whom is now 3) we did the Sleep Sense Program ( www.sleepsenseprogram.com) and it worked wonderfully! Now, it's never an easy adjustment for your child or for you, but it really does get easier. The first day is always the hardest (and I would recommend starting with their nap and not just jumping right into night time). Make sure you have a bedtime routine (and a condensed nap time routine) and stick to it 100%. Also, you MUST put her down awake, this way she learns how to put herself to sleep and isn't relying on a "sleep prop" such as a bottle or rocking, etc. There is no easy way to tune out crying, but it will get easier as you and they get used the routine and the crying WILL get shorter. Today was day four and my son cried for literally 30 seconds (as I walked out of the room) for BOTH his nap and bedtime and then he was out like a light. The first day, he cried for an hour and a half for each nap and bed, which was awful for both of us, I cried right along with him in the next room. You just have to understand that it's for their best interest. She will sleep better, she will learn how to put herself to sleep (which is huge), and YOU will sleep better. Her getting sick is difficult, but you can't go back to her "favorite" way of going to sleep (before the sleep training). Crying is ok.. for moms and their kids! Just keep yourself busy, play a game, watch a movie, do some housework or laundry, read a book, CALL A FRIEND OR YOUR MOTHER... I ALWAYS do this! The support really helps. I could not have restrained myself that first day with sleep training my son if it weren't for my mom supporting and comforting me. Hang in there... it'll get better! If you want more information on the sleep sense program (as I have actually purchased it) I would be more than happy to share more with you.

I have done this with all 3 of my children and it does get easier! The main thing to remember is when you do go check on them, DO NOT pick them up. If you lay them down without picking them up they start to understand that it is bedtime and not cuddle time. It's not an easy task to listen to your little one scream for you, but in the end its better for everyone! The less you actually interact with the child while trying to lay them down the easier it becomes to get them back to bed. Hope this helps, and good luck!!

Have a routine and going in checking on her about 10 - 15 and not interacting much I love you good night. Making sure she has, favorite blanket, toy. May be some music to listen to. We did cio with dd#2, because dd#1 is 9 and still won't lay down by herself. dd#2 is 2 and loves her bed she stopped crying about 20 months. She shouldn't cry much more than 15 minutes before she falls asleep. Or she isn't ready too go, or she is overly tired. You have to have a your timing right. The more active day, and shorter afternoon nap the easier it will be for her to fall asleep. I would sometimes take a shower when she was crying. By the time I got out she would be asleep. Of course that left my husband to here the noise. But it relaxed me before I went bed. CIO worked for us with dd#2 She is a great sleep and ready to go to bed. I wish we had used it with dd#1 and she wasn't so scared to fall asleep by herself.

I started the CIO when my DS was about 11 months old. Up until then, he was sleeping in bed with me because I was breastfeeding him. It took about 6 days for him to learn to go to sleep in his own crib. I couldnt stand to listen to him scream, (the first few nights were almost an hour or screaming) so I went downstairs and let my DH check on him in intervals. Dont make the same mistake I did and let your DH sleep with you even just once. My DS is now 21 months and I occasionally started to let him sleep in my bed with me when my DH was gone on the weekends, so now my DS wont fall asleep unless its in my bed! Then I carry him to his crib. I will have to start the CIO method again because I will be having number 2 in a couple weeks. Just make sure you stick to it so you dont end up in my situation.

Steel your heart and stay strong. You deserve sleep too.

At 17 months, she can make it through the night without you (unless she's sick, obviously).

I agree with the post about the baby not sleeping unless he/she is full.
I got up w/mine. At about 20 mos old he stopped waking up in the middle of the night. He would get enough to eat all day and RIGHT BEFORE bed.
Plus I made sure he has a fresh, clean diaper right before bed time.
My take is to get up with him now and soon he will stop crying in the middle of the night especially if you do not co-sleep and are not breasfeeding. Their tummies are little at this point but it does get better.

It helped me to look at the clock what seems like 3-4 hours is really only 20-40 minutes. If you can hear her crying thru the walls you dont need to use a baby monitor to amplify the crying. do you have a video monitor? i never had one but I think it would be nice to SEE she is ok, just mad. The actual crying it out stage will not give you more sleep but when she learns how to go to sleep on her own you will not be sleep deprived and be a better mom!