Sudden Case of "It's Mine!"

Here is how I was told to handle it...after my girls were older (too bad).
First, acknowledge his reasoning "you really want that, don't you. I can see it's very important to you."
Second make him aware of how his actions afect others "Sally like it too and you made her cry by taking it away"
third, teach appropriate ways to deal with sharing & taking "we ask if we want something, not grab it" or "we share so other people will also share and then we all have more to play with"
Finally, review scenarios to avoid special toys he dosn't want to share like putting away toys or asking mom to put it up - or have him offer alternate toys to a friend. Then, consequences to poor choices such as friends won't share with him, playdates have to end, toy taken away.
I hope this helps!

Yeah, it sounds like he's doing pretty typical stuff for a 2-year old. You're right, he's trying to assert his independence and has found his own voice to do so. With respect to the sharing issue, this one is a tricky one since you do want him to learn to share, you want him to learn to defend his turf with other kids, and you also want your child and the children he plays with to learn to resolve their own problems amongst themselves without constantly bringing an adult into the fray (this one will take a long, long time).

Since he is so young, I would maybe spend some time playing with him and during the play time, I would teach him how to ask for a toy in my possession and when he does so appropriately, I'd either give it to him immediately or make him wait for it until I'm done playing with it and am ready to give it up. This will give him a chance to practice those sharing skills and understand that just because another child (or you) have one of his toys, if he asks for it, he will get it back.

And then, when my children were playing with other kids at playgroup or at the park, if I saw them struggle over a toy with another child, I would remind my child that "we share." After that I would give the children a minute or two to resolve the issue (which they probably won't) and if they don't I would put the toy in "time out" for a few minutes, somewhere way up high or out of the way where the two children are sure to see it. The "toy in time out" rule also gets immediately enforced when the children are getting physically agressive with one another. Obviously, I wouldn't do this if you didn't know the other mom well enough and the toy is not yours. If this is the case, then I would just tell my child that the toy doesn't belong to him and try to redirect his attention.

When my children got to be about 3-years old, I established a few sharing rules for our household: (1) We always allowed guests to play with our toys first since the toys will still be there after they leave; (2) If there is a special toy that we know our child will have a hard time sharing (recent birthday gift), it should be put away so the guest can't find it while the guest is visiting; (3) If one child wants a toy that another child is playing with, that child asks once for his turn with the toy and gives the other child a reasonable amount of time to (I usually have them sing the ABC song twice) to forfeit the toy to the requesting child.

I hope these ideas help.

Sharing is tough at this age. They literally are not able to understand it in the way that you and I do. The first thing you could do is let him do the things he wants to do by himself- he might surprise you, and if he can't do it he'll probably ask for help when he gets frustrated. I find that most parents can't let go enough (because of course we don't want our babies to grow up!) to allow children to try to do things. I've always taken the attitude of "by all means, try! The sooner you can do it the sooner I don't have to!" And because of this my daugher could put most of her shoes on herself by 18 months (just the easy ones, but still).

It also helps to look at the reason children this age act this way- around the age of two children start to realize how small they are and how big the world is, which makes them feel a little helpless and overwhelmed. This is partly because of (and also exaggerated by) the fact that they are learning so much so fast. To combat this feeling they claim things (because they are just beginning to understand ownership) as theirs and begin to assert their desire to do things themselves because it makes them feel bigger and more in control.

To survive it you have to do a few things. First, be patient! Give him the time to try things, and don't freak out when he doesn't want to share with a friend. But be firm. Don't give in to whining- if you're in a situation when you have to get out of the house right now, he has to let you put his shoes on, it's not a choice. Just explain it to him and make sure your expectations are clear. As for sharing in general, I don't believe in forcing it because then it becomes artificial, and he will only do it when you're around to gain your approval. I encourage it, and I praise it when I witness it. But at this age it gives children a sense of security to posses things that they know won't be taken away, so I never force a child to give another child something. When I am dealing with several children, I encourage the one who wants the toy to ask nicely, and the other child can either say yes or no, and the child who asked has to be okay with that. If a child takes a toy away from another child I take both children by the hand (and often take the toy) and say "you don't take toys- use your words and ask" and if the child won't give the toy back, I do. That's all- beyond that I try not to make it an issue. Children will learn sharing by seeing us do it and by being praised when they choose to share, not by being forced to. Especially with a new baby coming it will make him feel more secure knowing that the new baby is not going to "take" all of his things. Now, speaking of which, might be a good time to take any baby toys out of your son's playthings that you plan on giving to baby- it will help if they each have their own toys.

Hi M.,
Welcome to full on toddlerhood!

This developmental stage is perfectly normal. He is asserting his independence, discovering that he has a measure of control over his environment.

The key is to harness that willingness to do things on his own: what activities can you safely involve him in that are productive to the household, and will come in real handy once the new baby arrives? Sorting laundry, pouring the detergent in, carefully loading the dishwasher, gathering toys around the house and yard, getting himself dressed, getting ready for bathtime, pick up after himself, picking out his own clothes (even if he looks a little mismatched he'll be proud to let everyone know he did it himself, if people look at you funny, you proudly say: he dressed himself, isn't that great?), help make his bed, help wash the car, water the lawn, plant new flowers...help you with the list at the grocery store, have him carry one bag to the car...

Take the pretend world into the real world and begin teaching him real skills! This is the perfect time to give him "big boy responsibilities". Keep a chart, help him keep track of his accomplishments, and make these a habit that becomes a lifelong habit. Those kids who start early never see helping around the house as chores, just as things that need or have to get done! It's the difference between a child who says: can I help you? or Why should I help you? It all begins now, so take advantage of his willingness. It will pay off big time!

In friendship and support,

Dear M.,
You are right. It IS normal for a 2yr old to go through that behavior. Before that time the child identifies with his mom and dad, and hasn't felt a separate identity. He is attempting to feel where the line is, where he is can feel his own selfhood. There are plenty of ways you can inspire a good image of self. One of the best way's I found is to use positive reinforcements of good behaviors. The more he gets reinforced, the more that will 'stick' as part of his feeling of self and identity. You can also make an "I CAN DO" book, which always thrills the little ones with pride in how they are growing. Simply fold a few pieces of paper in half and staple together to make a blank book. Write "I CAN DO" with a photo of your child on the front. On each page, write one thing he has learned to do, beginning with the simplest things, along with either a photo of him doing it, or a picture that represents it:
(IE: Sit up, hold a spoon and feed himself, walk, run, put on his own shirt, pants, socks, etc., throw a ball, Catch a ball, draw a picture, pet the cat or dog nicely, pick up trash and put in the trashcan, Helping mommy sort socks, Pick up toys, and put in toybox, drink without spilling, wiping up spills on table or floor, (even if they don't do it perfectly - take a picture and show it with pride!), Water plants outside with you, Wash HANDS, take a bath, get into bed by himself, carrying a dish to the table, or back to the kitchen, play with his toys nicely, building something with blocks, playdoh, blowing bubbles, etc. You can think of tons more as you get going.
Each day add another picture, show it to him, and as it gets bigger he will see he is writing his own book of accomplishments! Besides being a great teaching tool for him, it will be a memory book you will treasure. There is a link here with info on it and more stuff:
http://www.gomommygo.com/ICanDObook.html
Have FUN!
Best,
R.

Hi M.
Congratulations on having a very normal two year old! This is exactly what kids do at his age. The way to get through this successfully is to start by understanding the underlying emotional/developmental need, and helping to have that need satisfied. I used to be a preschool teacher, and I loved working with the 2's. I feel that this age stage can be so misunderstood and under appreciated (hence people calling it terrible two's).
I found Erik Erickson's model on psycho social development very helpful in explaining this. At that age, much of a toddler's behavior might be misinterpreted as defiant when they say "no", or insist on doing things themselves, or assert their will. What they are really trying to say is "no, I don't want you to do that for me because I am fully capable now and I want to show you that." What is so important is to affirm to the child that you see him as fully capable and let him have the experience of competence - both via your encouraging words to him, and by letting him demonstrate it. I cannot stress enough how important this is. Even when setting boundaries around this issue, it is important to still affirm something positive ie: "Yes, I know what a great artist you are, but you need to draw on paper, not on the wall."
This is such an important stage, and it is so important to let him do things himself and to praise him for his accomplishments. Now, keep in mind, that this may require extra time in getting dressed and such, so try to set yourselves up to win by remembering that some things may take a little longer as your little one who is growing up takes on more tasks himself. Do make a point of giving him acknowledgment for what he can do. If you get into a situation where maybe you don't have the time to wait for him to do something, you might try coming up with something else for him to do instead, where you are so impressed and appreciative of his help. Again, it's that feeling they are looking to satisfy, of showing you how capable they are.
As for the sharing, well, this is another phase. I don't believe in arbitrarily forcing sharing, but I do believe in setting up some guidelines. This really depends on the situation and what is to be shared. In a group setting, where kids need to share toys, there might be a rule about having a toy until a song ends, and then it's time to pass it on (when a toy is in demand).
If a toy is a particularly personal one (at home), then I would not make the child share it. With my son, I would give him a certain amount of room to be able to know that things belonged to him and that he could feel safe that they weren't going to be taken away from him. To encourage sharing, I would suggest trading toys, or have other toys to offer other kids. Sometimes he would let go a toy, sometimes he didn't, but I let it be okay. I wanted to give him a sense that he did have things that belonged to him, that he could feel safe that they were his, and then to find gentle ways to provide options for sharing. Back to the time limit idea, it might work to ask if someone could see his toy just for a minute and then give it back (get agreement from both children on this). You could suggest letting the other child see a toy, while you sang a song, and when the song was over, the toy went back. That did work for me, both with my son, and in the classroom. This is really a process of facilitating cooperation, and respecting their needs, not forcing sharing.
When things are approached from a standpoint of asking what the child's underlying emotional need is that they are seeking to satisfy, so many things can be resolved more easily. When we can help to satisfy those needs, then they have less of a need to force the issues and can move on.
And of course, this too shall pass.

Everything I've read has taught me that 'taking turns' is a much better tact to take than sharing. Sharing implys loss - don't ask me how, but to take a turn means the toy will return. You have to teach him this. Start with holding the toy for 10 seconds then let him have a turn. Build up from there and make a big deal out of his behavior. But don't really expect too much, kids aren't wired for sharing for many more years to come, then only with a select few. I think it goes back to survival of the fittest - you don't share the berries you need to survive. Good luck.

umm, welcome to the terrible 2's!!! They are not all terrible, but at 2 they start to realize what things are and what he wants. My nephew and my son just turned 2. I watch my nephew a few days a week, so they are like brothers. Bestfriends and arch enemies all at the same time. They are big in that "mine" stage as well. I always say, "no, you need to share". So the boys were getting the hang of it (or so I thought) until last week my son walked by my nephew who was playing with a car and with no other words spoken screamed "share" and ran away with my nephews car. I think they now think "share" means give it to me now. No magic advice her, just "this to shall pass".

He is right on track. My son is past 2 1/2 and awhile back his preschool teacher told us to expect the "Mine" phase soon. (he only attends 2 mornings a week) Sure enough 2 weeks later it began. We just have to keep explaining to him that "we share with our friends" and "We all take turns" Sure he will cry, but if you keep at it, and keep explaining and don't lose your cool, it will get better! But it is totally normal! With regards to having to do everything himself, let him do the things that you know he can do (I know it's crappy sometimes because you are short on time and it is faster to just do it yourself) but allow him to do things when he wants to try (within reason, I mean sometimes you just can't, you have to get out the door!) Let him practice his skills and build his confidence. And don't worry, he will learn to share with time and patience, just make sure to allow him lots of time with other kids so he can practice his social skills and SHARING! :) Best wishes to your family, and congrats on the pregnancy.

In general the "me do it" phase is a great thing. It shows that your son is developing some independence. So let him do it. You'll have to allow more time for things like getting dressed or eating dinner, so that he will have the time to do it himself or ask for help after multiple tries. Don't feel bad if he wants to do it himself, it isn't about pushing you away.
The "it's mine" phase is harder for everyone. We have a rule in our house and our children learn it from the first: "If you had it first, you can keep it or share it. If he had it first, give it back. If you argue, the toy gets taken away and no one gets to have it." My boys had both figured out that if they say "I had it first," mommy will give them the toy. That's when mommy discovered that little boys already know how to lie, so we added the toy gets taken away from everyone idea. Right now, when they are so young, it works out fine. When they get older, I know that there will be times when they will actually try to get the other in trouble, so I'll have to figure something new out. But in the end, if everything belongs to everybody in the family and only one or two things belong to one member of the family, they will learn to work it out. Both of my boys got a doll (exactly the same doll with different color clothes). They love those silly dolls for some reason. We got one for each and they aren't allowed to take the other person's doll without permission and they have to return it upon demand. It gives them both a feeling of knowing at least one thing belongs just to them. Every other toy or game in the house belongs to the family and they have learned to accept that and they do share (though sometimes unwillingly).
As far as sharing with others, just do the same thing. Guests are allowed to use the toys the same as everyone else. We take some toys (like the favorite doll) and put them away while guests are at our home. The guest is treated the same as far as sharing. I don't think a child should be forced to give the toy to someone else or have a time frame on a toy that they were already playing with. They have the option to share, but I don't make them give it to the other person until they are ready. This means that until the guest leaves, he also has the right to keep the toy he is playing with, even if our son wants it back. My boys have never had a hard time with these rules, but I don't suppose we have faced the worst yet.

Hi M.,

You are right, it's a phase and a very important one. He's learning the first steps of independence. Just let him do it himself, give him a couple of choices, etc. Be patient with the sharing because he's going to have a shock when his sibling is born and he has to share you, too. You can model sharing with him and in front of him with others, including kids. Make it look like you love to share and can't wait to do it.

V.

It's totally normal and it's just a phase. Sharing is a very hard concept for children and they don't begin to understand it until around four. Even then, it's still hard for them to share because they think that something's being taken from them. Just try to model sharing, but don't force it on him. Put yourself in his shoes and you'll understand how hard it is to give something up that you love. Good luck!

Congratulation, it seems as though your son has hit 2 developmental milestones at the same time ("mine" and "me do it"). The best thing I can say is that you need to socialize him A LOT and work with him through this phase. Instead of the ambiguous "share" word, instead say "You can have a turn when she is done" or vice versa. That way they know they don't have to give it up right away and you can reinforce that everyone will get another turn too if they want one. It really is alot of work for you to shadow his play with other kids and work through these issues. These are the days when you will have to put your foot down and leave the playground if he misbehaves, and I was always exhausted after helping my little girl navigate though the toddler's social world using manners and helping them to take turns.

Somehow, with my second child, it was easier - maybe I know what was coming or maybe because she is #2. But it won't last forever, and your son will be a pro when his new brother comes along!

My two and a half year old doesn't always share, depending on the toy. If a fight ensues, I set the timer for 5 minutes for each person to play with the toy.

I would definitely recomend Dr Harvey Carp's "Happiest Toddler on the Block" he teaches effective ways to communicate with your child to gain their cooperation. He does focus a lot on tantrams but it is not just for that. While you are at it you might get his "Happiest Baby on the Block" to get ready for your new little one! That one teaches amazingly effective methods for calming a crying baby.

My oldest daughter (4) used to say "I can do it myself" and we let her do things on her own. My youngest daughter (2) always takes things from her older sister and say they are hers. She screams, fights and sometimes bites her sister in order to get the thing she wanted. We stop that immediately and take the thing away from both of them and explain to our daughters that if they can't share then no one can play with whatever it is. So that would be a good thing to start with your son. I think it's ok for them to want to do things on their own as long as it doesn't put them in harms way but the whole "it's mine" and throwing tantrums should not be tolerated because that will only get worse.

So our youngest knows now that if she throws a fit about something, she will not be able to have it at all and for the most part she gets it. She's still young so I don't expect her to understand every single time but I do expect her to play nicely.

Most kids that age will go through that and maybe the first few times it's ok but if you don't nip it now, it can turn into something bad when your second child comes or when your son starts school. Initially you could calmly state that it's not just his, he should share with everyone and if he insists then I would take it away for a while so that he understands that that behavior won't be tolerated. Good luck.

Hi M.,
I read something in Parents Magazine recently about a solution to the problem of toddlers sharing, so I tried it with my nephew (2 and 1/2) and it seemed to work. When he is reluctant to share a toy, for example (normal behavior for his age), I simply ask, "When can Billy have a turn?" For some reason, asking this question vs. telling him what he MUST do, gives him a sense of control over his own destiny. And when he realizes he has CHOICE in the matter, he will usually say, "Ok, he can play with it now." And then he hands it over. Of course, a few minutes will go by and he will then say, "My Turn." And we start all over again. I agree with the other moms who advocate not forcing your son to share, but rather explaining it, modeling it and allowing him to retain some dignity and choice in the matter. Otherwise, he may feel overwhelmed by the idea that things he believes belong to him can get taken away at any time--even when he doesn't want them to (his perspective). Good luck on this one!

Hi M., your son is normal, all kids go through the it's mine stage, as for him wanting to do everything himself, let him try somethings, he may surprise you, and he will quickly learn what he can do and what he needs help with. For sharing toys, allow him to have some certain toys that he does not have to share and then toys he can share, if you do have your son share toys, spray them down with lysol when they are done, sharing toys is how kids share illnesses. J.