Strong Willed Boy/toddler. Frustrated Mommy N Daddy

Sounds like he runs the house. He needs discipline. You need to follow thru. If you warn him and he does not behave, you leave!!! Whether it be a store or friends house. Follow thru is very important! If you do not, that is like giving him carte Blanche and his behavior will only get worse.

My kids are good in public due to lots of discipline between the ages of 1 and 3. Almost 4 is getting very set in his ways and will only get worse if he sees you have no control. This book is good "Back to Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson. Kids will act this way if you are not effective and consistent at stopping them.

He sounds perfectly normal. Also realize that his entire world is changing. You are living w/ relatives, you just went back to work and a new sibling is coming. These are HUGE for him. Not bad (kids with two FT working parents are just as emotionally healthy as kids with a SAH parent) and he will probably love his new sibling. But HUGE upheavals in his world.

The grocery store. Give him two choices - and discuss them before you leave the house. The choices are 1. you walk next to the cart and hold my hand when I ask you or 2. You ride in the cart. Review the choices when you get to the store and let him pick. Let him know what will happen if he does not follow through - 'you will need to ride in the cart if you can't stay next to mommy'. You can greatly improve his (and yours) chances of success by going to the store when he is not tired and has been fed. You should also consider going to the store when you can by yourself (on the way home from work).

Sea World. First - 3 is simply too young for many kids for a full day like this. Overwhelming. Secondly - there is nothing wrong with him wanting to say hello and shake hands with everyone. You can help him by modelling a good way to do this and cuing him in when someone is not interested - 'DS, thanks for saying hello to the man, but he needs to go away now, let's do X instead'. 'When you are hungry, tell me and we will get some food. We do not grab food off people's plates'.

The mall. Some kids are runners and some kids are not. If he is a runner - use the stroller or a leash. Give him the choices before you go to the mall (same as for the grocery store) and when you get there. Only go when he is well rested and fed. If the mall has an indoor playground - make sure you take him.

The hotel and dinner. Minimize his chance of failure. Setting the food down, walking away and expecting him to not touch is setting him up to fail. Putting the food down with the drinks in the center of the table when you are all ready to eat is setting him up to succeed. And realize that 3 year olds (and 4s and occasionally husbands) spill things.

Threatening him will not work. Showing him what to do, rather than what not to do will be more successful. Setting him up for success is incredibly helpful - that means making sure he is well rested and not hungry, giving him a timed warning before you do something (we will leave for the store in 10 minutes), giving him two (maximum 3) choices and letting him decide.

ETA - popping him in the mouth will not teach him not to scream. It will teach him that hitting is ok and that when you get frustrated you hit. Also - the people you love, hit you and it is ok to hit people smaller than you are.

It sounds like you have taught him no boundaries and are now shocked he knows no boundaries.

Why on god's earth would you threaten him with something that will happen when he gets home, something that even then you will not follow through with? If he acts up, one warning you will go home and then when he acts up again you go home! No discussion, no, stop or I will say stop again.

Your son is the end result of never disciplining! Learn now, take charge now or you will not be happy once the new baby comes.

A few practical things while you study up with some of the books the moms have mentioned.

Make sure his hearing is clear. If you in a normal voice from behind, does he hear you? When you are in the car, with no music, can he hear you?
If not, consider having his hearing checked.

No more yelling across the house, over the TV or the car radio. ALl of you go to each other to speak with each other. The effort wil show you are serious.

When you are giving him directions, get down on his level and look in his eyes. Say his name if you need to get his attention.. Tell him.. "Listen to my words." Have him repeat the instructions to you. Thank him, when he repeats it back correctly.

Remember, the word "Behave" is an abstract word to a toddler. They need specific behavior words.

Hold my hand, Stop. No running. Look with your eyes. No touching, hands behind your back, Sit your bottom in this basket.

One instruction at a time. Tell him thank you each time he follows the direction as requested. "Thank you for sitting down!" I like how you are walking with your hands behind your back.

"Quiet voices", no yelling inside the store, the house, the car (whatever place is appropriate). Tell him this before you go inside or before you leave the car. Give him a complement when he follows this direction.. even more attention when he does it on his own!

"Soft and gentle touches."

Take a belt with you and use it to strap him into the basket, the stroller, the chair at the restaurant. Buckle it behind his back through the slots of the basket, stroller.. whatever. . Buckle it just so he can not get out of it.

This is pretty normal behaviors for a 3 year old, BUT we do need to continue to guide them and remind them of the expectations.

Remember children learn proper expected behaviors, through positive attention than punishment..

Yes, it takes, patience, it take your time and you noticing him more often, but he is worth it.

Making Children Mind without Losing Yours
Dr Kevin Leman

Its going to take some consistent, firm, loving, parenting from you both. It will be hard at first but you WILL see a change. Please don't wait anymore. Those well behaved kids are rarely like that because its natural, it's because the parents have loved them through disciplining them.

Some kids are just harder than others. I had one hard kid and one easy one. The hard one was first.

The one thing I learned, luckily for me, is that children need REAL structure. You mentioned just going back to work and staying with family members. Does that mean he's at home being babysat by one of them? If so, I think this is part of the problem. Daycare with structure and real expectations and the same schedule everyday would really help him. And YOU learning how to mirror how they structure their day would help you as well.

Difficult kids don't respond to threats to take privileges away. They respond better to "WHEN you do "x", THEN you can do "y" and the like. You have to work WITH him to help him rather than just leave him to his own devices.

From your description, it sounds like he is doing some sensory seeking. I urge you to talk to your ped and ask for a referral to an occupational therapist who has experience working with sensory integration issues, and get an evaluation done. All the consequences in the world are not going fix this issue if he has sensory problems. He will seek out sensory input every way he can. The trick is to use appropriate methods while helping with the problem, and an occupational therapist can do this, and teach you how to help him at home.

Just to let you know, my son would run into people and walls, and I finally got smart and got rid of all my glassware and bought plastic-type glasses because EVERY glass of liquid within 10 feet of him ended up in the floor, somehow. My son wasn't the "runner" like yours, but I will tell you that OT really helped him, A LOT.

Good luck!

First of all, he sounds like an adorable, very spirited, gregarious preschooler. At 3 1/2, he's moving out of toddlerhood and MUST have firm and consistent rules that are enforced while he explores the world.

You cannot enforce those rules with words.

You use words to explain the rules, and enforce them with actions.

If he runs away, he goes in the cart.

If he screams, he gets a light pop on the mouth (not to hurt, just to interrupt the scream) and a quiet, firm "NO! We do not scream."

Is he allowed to eat off your plate at home? Do you give him food from your hand? Stop. Give him his own plate with his own portion and start enforcing that he only eats what is given to him on his plate.

Don't expect a 3 1/2 year old to listen when you tell him to leave things alone. When my boys were little, they weren't allowed in the kitchen. At first I had a gate up. That was a physical barrier. Once they were old enough to be taught limits (for mine, it was at about the time they started walking), I took it down. Every time they crossed the threshold into the kitchen, I told them "NO" and physically put them out. They'd cry and get frustrated, and it took lots of repetition, but eventually they understood and stopped trying to come into the kitchen. They'd sit right outside and watch me.

That's what you have to do. Place the limit and enforce it no matter his reaction. Remove him bodily from doing things he's not supposed to. Take things away he's not supposed to have. Apologize to strangers in front of him and ask him to return the things he takes. Over and over and over. Pop on the mouth when he screams, and if he continues, remove him and put him in his room.

Parenting isn't easy at this age. It's repetitious. Just stick with it and be firm and consistent. You'll be okay.

I'm sorry, but how does your 3.7 year old take food from strangers without your intervening? If you are right there with him, I just don't see how that can happen. I suggest maybe you and dad aren't paying enough attention and you are expecting too much from your child.

You need to have your attention on him at all times. If he is bothering someone who is eating, it is your job to put a stop to it before it gets to the point that someone is giving him some of their food. The saying hi is completely normal. Can't even count the number of times a toddler said "hi" to me while we were school shopping yesterday. Nothing unusual there.

As for the screaming when he's told no, just stick to your guns. Right now he's testing - if I scream will they give me what I want? You need to let him figure out that the answer is no.

If you have a really hard time keeping a hold of him when you are out, you might want to consider one of those harnesses. I don't care what anyone says; they are not cruel and it is better to have that than a child laying in the street after having been run over!

You are discribbing typical 3 yr old behavior. If you don't have a plan.
It sounds like you are letting him do what he wants. Sometimes containing him in a cart but feeling bad about it.

Get a plan. Love and logic is good. Stick with a good discipline plan. You will have to teach him the same stuff over and over and over again.
Those kids who are walking nicely beside their parents are badly behaved at times, too. It's the age. But their parents feel they not only know how to teach them to behave but that it's their obligation TO teach them.
Boundaries are good things at this age.

Letting him make choices between 2 good things is empowering. Red shirt or blue? But he does not have a choice to not walk beside you. What are your consequences for him? He will not change without consequences.
You are not just going to wake up one day and he is a well behaved kid.
He will be worse with a new baby, if you don't get a handle on it now.

That's where you need help that a parenting philosophy can give you.
Find a book at the library. Check out their website.

Check out all the questions on Mamapedia about 3 yr olds in the search option. Twos are nothing compared with the 3s!

You are the parent.
You set the rules and the consequences.
If he can't sit at a restaurant, you leave. Either take him for a time out in the car or take your food to go and take him out.
If he can't behave at Sea World, you leave. You tell him why you are leaving, and you do.
If he touches something he isn't supposed to, he gets a time out. A real time out.
I always had my kids in a stroller at the mall. If they weren't in a stroller, they were in a harness and on a leash.
No means no. He thinks that if he screams, you will change your mind. Be consistent. You and your husband need to present a united front - always. Get some books.
Figure out what his currency is.
Be firm.
Be consistent.
You've got to get this kid under control now!

And if you could help us by not using n in your questions, it would make them easier to read. I'm sure it is the way you talk, but it is really hard to read. I'm sure you'd get more answers if you wrote the words out in short and concise sentences...

If all children were easy, we will have no stories to tell :).

He seems like a perfectly normal and happy little man albeit busy. This was what I thought all boys were and the reason I prayed for girls (BTW got the girls but one was a little tornado so there goes that assumption lol)

I know most claim terrible twos but threes can just be as bad. This also the age where they push for more autonomy. Just be consistent in your guidance and discipline and remember that he is just 3 yo. We tend to expect more from the eldest children. I guess when the other siblings come along we forget how young they really are.

I have an almost 5 year old and just recently am I able to go in a store with him without putting him in the cart. And, even now, when I go in a store with him, it is for a couple of items. He has to touch almost everything. It is nerve wracking, so I just don't take him if I can avoid it.
My child used to talk to everyone too in the stores and at places, saying, "Hi." It is okay. He grew out of trying to talk to everyone now.
Don't be so hard on your kid. He is still little. Just be consistent and keep teaching. If he doesn't mind, put him in a time out on his bed for a few minutes. Parenting is not easy, if you try and teach along the way.
Good luck!

It's really true that some kids are like this and some are not. My brother's kids are not at all like this, but mine are. He never said anything, but I'm pretty sure he used to think it was because he and his wife were better parents. Over time he's come to realize that his kids and my kids have lots of things in common ... but this isn't one of them!

My oldest was very much like this, but thankfully it's a distant memory. This summer I've been working a lot with my 4 year old. I want him to learn that that type of behavior is ok is some situations, but in other situations we need to be more reserved and stay with Mommy or Daddy. I've tried to give him lots of opportunities to run and be crazy. I think that helps make it easier for him to hold my hand when it's necessary.

At the beginning of the summer I made a big deal about everyone holding hands when we walked places. I told him that he had a choice, he could hold my hand or be carried (or sit in the shopping cart or stroller or whatever). One of the challenges is that he can undo any buckle, and he can climb out of the cart. Not safely! But he is capable of doing it. So, shopping has been easy some days and a real challenge other days.

It seems like the times when things really work out are the days I stay calm (don't get too upset or too emotional), remind him of the rules ahead of time, stay calm even when he doesn't follow the rules, give immediate consequences, etc. You know, all the things that are really hard to do when you have a 3 year old and are even harder to do when you're pregnant!

I think it's really important to remember that this is very normal, that you have to try to teach him anyway, that it usually works best when you are consistent and even tempered and that you will probably have to reevaluate your expectations from time to time. It is realistic to have him hold your hand. It is not realistic for you to expect him to not try to break loose of your hand. It is realistic for him to wait to eat. It is not realistic for him to wait to eat when the food is placed right in front of him.

Try not to compare your child (and therefore yourself) to other kids who appear to be perfectly behaved. Remember, some kids are just like that! (I don't care how many people try to tell you that they are not just like that and that their parents worked really hard to teach them. That might be the case for some, but some kids really are just like that!!!) But it's really hard not to compare. Try not to, because it's probably only going to make you feel like you've failed in some way.

Try not to expect immediate results. It will take time! I've been working with my son all summer, and I'm just now able to notice the difference. Now, my SIL and my parents have pointed things out to me over the summer, but I'm just now starting to notice.

Remember that you are an awesome mom and that you are trying very hard to raise a great kid! Keep working at it and reevaluating! That's really all any of us can do.

1-2-3 Magic is a great book to help you understand a child's mind and how to discipline in a way that works. Also look online for a Parenting with Love and Logic class that you can both take.

Your child is a normal 3 year old and it would be very helpful for you to be educated in child development so you don't fall into the trap of expecting your child to think and behave like a little adult. 3 year olds don't have the same mental capacity or life experience as an adult. They don't "listen", they don't understand the rules of life, they have very short attention spans, they are all about curiosity and exploration, and they think very concretely. They can't understand abstract ideas such as respect, control, or behaving. They do understand very clear and direct statements and consequences in the moment. They don't have the capacity to have empathy- understand how their actions effect others - until later after we have taught them.

Environmental boundaries are as important as any other discipline. I used harnesses for all three of my children when we were out and about. They appreciated the security and also had a little sense of freedom because their hands were free. (My kids are all in college now and they still talk about how much they liked the harnesses and are confused by all the people out there that think they are a bad thing.) It also reduced my stress levels and I wasn't constantly stressed, yelling at them, and worrying that something might happen to them. We traveled a lot and it made traveling a safe and fun experience rather than tense and overwhelming.

Does he do anything else that might be considered sensory seeking? I am asking because you are describing my now 2 year old, but he is so much better since he was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder and is in Occupational Therapy. I am not saying that this is what your son is doing, but if you are good with discipline, daddy is good with discipline, and you are consistent, then I would talk to either your pediatrician or an Occupational Therapist. Most insurance will cover the initial evaluation, and if you need help, early intervention may be able to help with a behavioral specialist.

I know my response it so different from everyone else's but, I also know that no matter what I or my husband or grandma did, it didn't really work. But, OT has made such a HUGE difference in our lives. I found an interesting article if you are interested in reading it.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/05/10/children-sensory....

I hope maybe this sheds a different light on what is going on. The things that really stood out to me is the running, dashing, can't control actions even when specifically asked, and the grocery store issues.

He needs discipline and a lot of it. I went through the same thing and now our home is much more peaceful. He needs to know exactly what will happen if he does not obey and you as parent need to follow through. I know this is soooo difficult but when our son (4 yrs old) does not behave and we have clearly given instructions of what is expected the toys all go away. The ipad is no longer allowed to be touched. The tv does not get turned on and not for hours for days until the next opportunity to behave. When we go out we tell him you can have some toys back if you behave, listen whatever it is that is expected and he comes through. Again be serious. Follow through. Do not raise your voice but be firm and loving. Also explain why he needs to obey. Praise him when he does listen, obey, act correctly. etc. I read "the new strong willed child" Dr James Dobson and it has great tips and insight.