Hi K.,
Mom's memory may be fading. That, or she never balanced babies and full-time work.
Two under two IS very stressful and your letter depicted is wonderfully. The husband/wife relationship is the one that takes the toll.
I wish I could give you some great words of wisdom, but at least I can give you my support.
From the tone of your letter, I get the feeling you are feeling the resentment many women of today's generation feel about being torn between home and work.
Before we have children, we can imagine how smoothly everything will work. Many of us love our jobs and assume we will be happy to return after the birth and our children will thrive and grow in our chosen daycare and everyone will live happily after.
Unfortunately, it is impossible to understand the power of maternal love until we actually experience it and we become resentful if our financial situation dictates that we must work and relinquish the care of our children to others, however great that care may be.
I suggest you carefully review your life. Is it possible to reduce your hours at work? If your daycare costs were also reduced you may find you can afford to stay home more often. Less commuting = less gas, less parking, fewer lunch's out, less dry cleaning, etc. Really review your family budget and you may find you can afford to do with less.
I know after I first had my girls (21 months apart) I struggled for sometime trying to manage all the extra care into my life. I can't even tell you how many times I locked myself out of my car. Twice with my girls in it! Ultimately, though it may seen obvious, I never fit my girls into my life. My life changed! This change can be painful, but, my girls are the light of my life and I do not regret this life.
It will be important to have a schedule. Get a calendar, blackberry, whatever, and write down everything. Encourage your husband to write things down as well. This way on Sunday night you can review your week and plan accordingly. There's nothing worse than suddenly remembering something which throws off your entire day.
Also, delegate, please! We women are all guilty of this, we feel like we should be able to do it all. Even if you could, why would you want to? Husbands are usually willing to help, but they need specific instructions. Give him a list (a short list!) of things he can do which will lighten your load.
Decrease your expectations. Things are going to change. Children will have accidents, spills, get sick etc. Your life must be more flexible. You might have to tolerate wrinkles, unmade beds, mismatched socks, the garden may not get weeded (mulch helps alot, and pea stone) (although I MUST have the beds made!) Anyway, you know the things you are willing to compromise on.
As your mother stated, these difficult economic times make everyone more stressed; especially if you recently bought a home with a large mortgage. While it is important to gain perspective and count our blessings, it is also important to be proactive in our own lives so we don't end up feeling held hostage by them.
Back to your husband, you two fell in love for a reason and you need to nurture this relationship. Believe it or not, these children will grow up and have lives of their own. Will you and your husband still have a life of your own then? If you can, have a date at least once a month. Even if it simply to take a walk and get a cup of coffee without the kids. And if possible, at least once a year, go away for the weekend. This opportunity for intimacy is crucial.
While we get caught up in all the work of our new lives we don't realize what this new life is doing to our husbands, they frequently feel left out, but, either don't know how to express it, or they don't feel entitled to say it. This can lead to distance between you. Men need sexual intimacy to bond with women and making time is important.
Finally, hang in there and enjoy each moment, these days will pass quicker than you know. The trick to managing this phase in your life is learning how to appreciate it, not endure it!
God Bless,
J. L.