Stepmoms

T., I am a stepmother, too. My son is now 35 and doing well.

But when my son turned 11, I felt like a different person entered his body---I know this sounds crazy--but I have no other words to describe it.

I'll will pass on some advice given me at that time. It was so straightforward and logical that I was doubtful that it would work. The counseler told me to give all disciplanary duties back to my husband. Basically--give your stepson back to his father. But only disciplanary duties---you should only have to talk about fun stuff with your son.

It worked--my husband was a little surprised about the amont of time needed to raise his son. And it all worked out well in the long run.

To keep from butting in when they were discussing difficult things, I would hold my lips together or leave the room. I know it sounds silly-but it works.

Good luck, J.

You should definitely go to premarital couseling to discuss what your role as the stepmom is going to be. This is a decision that you & your future husband should make together. Get in ironed out before you get married.

kids are supposed to be spoiled thats the great part about being a kid!

T.,
Could you give a little more info about the problems you're having? It's hard to give advice without knowing the issues. How does your boyfriend spoil his son (what do you consider spoiling?)? Is the spoiling the problem or are you having issues with discipline, respect, etc? Hopefully with a bit more information you'll get some great suggestions. It's just hard to give advice when the request is a little vague. Thanks!

You asked, so I'm gonna tell you..my opinion, although it will MOST certainly differ from others becaue they are or were in the same situation as you are now.
My suggestion..end the relationship and find someone closer to your age WITHOUT children. There, I said the unbeleiveable!
You cannot be a stepmother, you are a girlfriend, let's get that out in the open 1st off. You are not married to the boy's father so you do not warrent the title and benefits of being a parent. You are getting yourself involved in a family dynamtic that you did not create and one you will never be able to change. Unless you always want to rate 2nd fiddle to your boyfriend's son end this now.
There are SO MANY examples of people around you today that create this bad scenario, learn from it! I have more friends and aquaintances that rue the day they ever got involved with their spouse because one of them already had kids. I hear it over and over, "I love mykids, I love his kids, but he treats mine different" "She is all about her kids and rides my kids". I've heard it all and will continue to hear it from several families..that is until they split up causing more grief for more kids.
Don't do this. He may be a decent guy, but his son will always come first and your love for either of them will not change this. You are the outsider and always will be. He should NOT choose you over his son either. If he does then he is proving just the opposite kind of man that you think he is!
It's best to part ways now. You still have time. You need to clear you head and really take in what I am suggesting. Other people will tell you how to "deal with it", even encourage you forward with this for no other reason than to justify choices and what messes they are in.
Some relationships like this just may work out to some degree, but the risks are too high and the hurt is unnecessary. Love does NOT conqure all. Whoever made that quote was an idiot.
Good luck!

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T.,
Growing up as a step child I can tell you that you should leave the discipline to your husband. Let your stepson know that he will have to listen to you and obey you but leave the discipline to your fiance. If he is spoiled it is because your husband is parenting out of guilt. He feels guilty about his marriage not being intact anymore. If you have never been a parent before, you could find this hard to understand. He loves that child like you cannot even imagine. If you do have children, you will understand.

Keep you sense of humor and don't try to replace his mother, just try and be the best "bonus mother" you can be.

Good luck!!