Stepdaughter Thinks She Was a "Mistake"

Since she has been asking, she has a clue already. Dad and Mom should both be consistent in what they tell her at this point.

I think an answer like "Sweetheart, your mom and I love you very much. No, we did not "plan" to have you so young so you were "unexpected" but definately not a mistake in any way. Mom and I married very young, too young. We were not right for each other and that is why we got divorced, but we divorced each other not you." That is honest but hopefully reassuring. If your family believes in God, he could also add (after the unexpected part) that they didn't plan for her so early but God did.

I was 30 and unmarried when I got pregnant with my son 14 years ago. Being pregnant was a complete surprise - but that is another story.

What I have always told everyone was that my son was planned for from the moment I knew I was pregnant.

Conception might be an "Oops" moment, but every other decision made regarding your step daughter was planned from the moment her parents found out they were pregnant.

As for why her parent's got married - of course they got married when they made the commitment to have her as their baby. I don't think there is anything wrong with telling her that they wanted to be a married Mommy and Daddy. As to why they got divorced - no matter what she is told it must be emphasized that the divorce had nothing to do with her and was in no way her her fault.

It seems her Mom has an iffy track record and is not helping by saying that her children are mistakes. How sad for your stepdaughter that her Mother may be saying things to make her doubt if she was wanted. Because that is what this boils down to. If she was (is) wanted by her parents.

I think your hubby having an honest conversation with her will help allay those doubts and reinforce that she is wanted and so obviously loved by you and your husband. Just keep having these conversations until she is truly old enough to get it on her own.

Hugs

I would have her daddy and maybe even mommy sit down with her together and let her know she wasn't a mistake. That they were very young teenagers in love and had her. She wasn't planned but always wanted. Then they can tell her since they were young they realized that the marriage wasn't going to work out and wanted her to have a very happy life so they divorced because they couldn't get along with each other, nothing to do with her. Have them both tell her how much they LOVE her and have always wanted the best for her. You could suggest they give her a gift, and say, "are you surprise we gave you a gift". When she says yes, then say, surprises are good, they are not always planned but they bring lots of joy, happiness and are blessings to everyone. She seems like a very smart girl so she'll understand that they are happy she has blessed their lives.

mom and dad need to sit with her on this one...but i would "encourage" them/dad to tell her along the line (if you believe in God or not)..that God plans us all and at times we dont' expect BLESSINGS we receive, but gladly accept them like a surprise gift"...that's what children are after all

as far as the marriage, tell her the truth, yes we married because we got pg with you, but WE just couldn't seperate OUR differences so it was best for YOU if we seperated....that's how i would explain it....make sure the finger's are pointed at them not her

I am the daughter of two young teenagers who got married for me and then divorced. I think I realized what happened about her age or a little older. I don't think there was any explaination at 9yrs old I would have truly understood but now as an adult I get it. I think if I were you and your husband I would just go out of my way to make her feel that she is sooo special NOW. I wouldn't focus on her comments about being a mistake but focus on how much you love her NOW and how grateful you are to have her NOW. Eventually she will corner your husband and he will have that talk about what a mistake vs. surprise is...but now may not be the right time for her to truly understand it.

My son was not planned at the time he came. We had been married six weeks, had spent most of our money on our wedding and honeymoon and found out we were pregnant, yikes!! But what we tell our son is that we always wanted children, they came a little sooner than expected, but we always wanted him, he has heard how he was surprise and kids pick things up so quick! In fact we wanted a son named Joshua, which is what we have :D So like maybe if you know that her mom or your husband always loved her name, she can be told that they always wanted a daughter named _____, and that's just what they got. Joshua loves to hear how we always wanted a son named Joshua, it makes him giggle, of course he's 3 ;) As far as being responsible for her parent's divorce, that is something many children of divorce feel regardless of the details. I think just telling her over and over that she is a child not responsible for the decisions of grown ups and that nothing was her fault is about all you can do, it will stick, just stay with it. Every time she asks if she was a mistake, just say, no way!, we always wanted a daughter named _________. And that's just what we got :) I know in my life I look at my mom, if she would have left my dad long before I came on the scene, her life would have been so much better. Heck, if she'd never met him, things for her would have been WAY better. I know that I am the reason she stayed as long as she did and left when she did. But I know she loves me, always wanted me and I turned out alright ;) Hang in there, hope this was helpful!

I was a "surprise".
My parents always put it this way: God knew we needed you, so he sent you down to bless our lives, and you have done your job!

Not sure if you're religious or not, but you could always leave it at "God has a plan for everyone and your plan was to have 2 mommies that love you. You were not an accident or a mistake. God doesn't make mistakes. Nobody knows why things don't work out just like we plan them, but God knows and one day you'll find out what God's purpose is for you."

This happened to me--I was the "surprise" baby that prompted my parents' marriage. I remember figuring it out and being tormented about it when my parents had problems and finally got a divorce, though I was older than your daughter when that happened. I clearly remember turning 18 and noting to myself that I succeeded in not copying my mom's example of having a baby already.

The first thing that helped me was being able to sit down with my dad and tell him why I was feeling bad about it, that maybe I was the cause of all their problems. It was so comforting to hear my dad say that they would have gotten married even if I wasn't on the way, and that their problems were not because of us kids--it was their own difficulty in getting along with each other.

Another thing that helped was growing up enough to see my parents as ordinary people with all their flaws. And finally, finding faith in God showed me that He had a plan for my life, despite my parents' failures at doing things the best way.

Until she grows up more, you may not be able to prevent her from thinking her simple existence had a part in her parents' problems. But you can keep showing her love and keep telling her how blessed you are that she did arrive to brighten your lives.

When you think she's mature enough, you can talk about how her parents' teenage behavior caused so much difficulty and how she should learn from them and not repeat it. (It's a great real-life abstinence lesson, in my opinion.) But even poor choices can be redeemed. The world was blessed with her presence, and she can do something wonderful with her life.

Not a mistake.
A delightful surprise!

My 7yr old was not "planned", but rather he was a "pleasant surprise". There's nothing wrong with the truth, just make it child friendly. I don't ever think an unexpected pregnancy should be phrased as a mistake. There are plenty of other ways to explain it to her. As for why your husband and his ex got married, I think that's something you should discuss with him first and come to an explanation about that.
Good luck!!

My DD was a 'whoopsababy,' but definitely not a mistake! You could find some pictures of her and her dad, or her and her mom, her and other family members where everyone looks happy. Go through them, and tell her how happy everyone is with her. Tell her that if she wasn't here, then those memories and those smiles would never have existed. Would she really want to take away all the joy she brought those people? I would also mention to her that surprises are fun! Doesn't she like being surprised with special treats? If she asks again, you could say something like "yes, they did get married FOR you, but they got divorced because of THEM. They both LOVE you, and got married because they thought they would be able to take care of you better if they did. But they didn't get along well enough, so they decided to get a divorce." or something similar.... (that's the story my parents gave us, and we accepted it easily enough... I have had 13 siblings, only 4 of us are full-blooded so I know what it is to grow up in a family of 'accidents'.)

I wouldn't use the word "mistake" maybe surprise would be better. Tell her that there are no babies who are mistakes, just surprises.

I think this is more than you think....she's probably dealing with some autostime problems or mom is abusing her with words, she's probably in need of therapy or lots of LOVE. I'm just saying this because my DD IS 7 years old and she knows that I was single , that I never married his father, and we never get along even after she born, and that has never on any way make her feel sad or anxious about it..."if she thinks she's a mistake is because someone told her that....." so the problem here is the other part....my DD knows that God send me this beautiful baby because I was alone and didn't want me to go to war ( I was on the military then )... and knows we all lover her a lot ,

Wow, this is hard. What about trying to explain to her that some babies are planned and some aren't, but they are loved all the same? That sometimes surprise gifts are the best gifts of all? Or that yes, she was unexpected, but they still chose to have her rather than having an abortion. And they still love her, even if they decided eventually that they (her parents) could no longer love each other - and her being born had nothing to do with that. Or even if her parents did not plan on becoming pregnant, God did, and God does not make mistakes.

On the other hand, it might be good for her to learn the truth eventually (not that she won't figure it out on her own) because then maybe she will learn what happens when you choose to have a sex at such a young age and sometimes girls get pregnant, even with birth control. Then maybe she will not want the same thing to happen to her.

I'm sure there will be others with better answers than me!

I think you're so right on track about losing her trust. I don't like the big reveal of family secrets when you're a teenager. At that point, you already have enough angst or whatever going on. When kids grow up with something being thier reality, they accept it without question. When you drop a bomb on them or they figure out something that's been a lie thier whole life, it's pretty devastating. Encourage dad to tell her. But keep in mind the tone in which it is told. If you make a big deal out of it, it will seem bigger to her. If you present it in a positive, no nonsense way, it will just be her reality. This may also be a good time to iget her involved at a youth group at church. There is a lot of self respect and worthiness that comes as a natural byproduct of being involved at church or any community group really. People, especially kids, need to belong. That will be one of her issues from this... where do I fit? Why am I here?