Stepdaughter Pregzillas

If it were me, I would say that I could babysit only occasionally. The addition of a couple more kids makes it a good time to get that message across. You work full time and are just not up to caring for 4 kids at a time, or even two at a time if they come separately. Don't commit to a regular day of the week or month. Just say, once in awhile. You are also not obligated to help them financially. If you cut off the support, maybe they'll start being more responsible.

I love my grandson and would not trade him for the world. But I too would be upset if one of my daughters was doing it again and again. And yet, when I found out that my daughter had an abortion I was devastated.

You are being a bit judgmental towards your husband and his ex. I spent my entire life teaching my girls about life, homeschooling, taking them to church, being honest about my own mistakes, and we are able to talk about anything. I started talking about the ideal order of life from the time they were little. 2 of my 3 grown children are in college. But we still have one very impetuous girl that we don't know what to do with. She will be 21 soon. Is it my fault that she has been pregnant twice and was unable to face yet another unwed pregnancy last year when my grandson was only 9 months old?

I really get tired of seeing people blame so much on parents. I know, I know. There are parents that try to be their best friends, or terrible examples or they just don't care. But most parents try hard to do their best.

TAKE YOUR HUBBY'S ADVICE...Nothing can be done! Its not your problem, its the girls problems. I would let them know from the get-go that you cannot watch another kid, that 2 is your fill so they need to make arrangements right away. Don't feel obligated. These girls are clearly old enough to make their own decisions and live with the outcomes. Sit down and talk to your husband about this so he isn't surprised at your feelings if you all of a sudden snap at someone. Get on the same page and stand firm. Good luck!!!!

I agree with cutting them off on the babysitting. If you still have three kids living at home and you're working full time and then baby sitting two toddlers...no thanks. Of course you're stressed and I'd be pissed about my husband's blase attitude too! But, there is something you can do, you can say no. Talk with your husband about it but tell the daughters early on that you will no longer be able to watch the kids with the additional two kids. You are too busy and stressed and you have to have time for your immediate family too. Stress that you're still willing to babysit on ocassion, as long as they supply advanced notice. You aren't doing the step daughters or the children any good if you resent their presence, so take a step back so you can start looking forward to and even enjoying the time you have babysitting the grandkids.

i had kids very young and my mother was still raising kids herself, but always managed to babysit for me (even when it was against my will!)
i am very grateful for the sitting and she knows that. but if i were being irresponsible like these ladies i wouldnt expect my own mother to accept that and take on my slack let alone someone who didnt raise me!

if you are the one baby sitting (or at least assisting your hubby to babysit) then you have the right to talk to them about responsibility and "nest building" or whatever.
if they dont want to listen, then ask them to find a daycare.
i know for a fact that it wont be a huge issue to pay for daycare if yo uare on welfare because ive done it. all you need is a one page form for the day care provider to fill out and badda bing badda boom, paid daycare.
that is why welfare exists, to help people get on their feet. with out it my husband never would have been able to get his PhD seeing as how we were teens when we got married and now hes almost done! and now im finishing my degree as well.

fast food is no place for a mother to be working.
community colleges have many ways for mothers to get financial assistance to go to school and earn a degree. some even have their own subsidized day cares. i have done this as well. we are dirt poor grad students and some day we wont be and knowing that is comforting to me, it gets me through the rough times.

Ok, you babysit once a week. I assume that means one day a week? Maybe his reluctance to do anything is because he enjoys spending time with his grandkids. I would talk to him about this.

I would probably tell my DH how much I enjoy spending time with the kids. Family is the most important thing in the world. They are only going to be little once and after a while aren't going to think it's cool to hang out with you guys anymore so you want to enjoy spending time with them now while you can. However, (and believe me, he's waiting for the however) you are concerned about having that many little ones around at one time. Especially two babies at one time.

You could suggest that if his daughters want date night or whatever they they trade kids with each other to give each other a break. That way you guys can get back to being grandparents instead of babysitter. You can take them fishing, or mow the lawn or take them to the zoo.

Stress the fact that you don't want to eliminate the relationship with the grandkids, or even strain it. You just want to make it so that it is more enjoyable.

I know you don't like this situation, but think how you would feel if he were objecting to you spending time with your grandkids, or complaining about how you raised your kids.

Are you babysitting so they can work or so they can play?

Seriously, my mom babysits only so I can WORK. And I am grateful. I don't ask her to babysit so I can "play."

For their next birthdays get them a Dave Ramsay book so they can get a grip on the concept of earning & cash flow.

Ugh, what a sucky situation :(
First of all, stop feeling guilty! You have good cause to feel resentful.
As others have said, STOP babysitting. And don't let the stepdaughters play the "oh don't you want to spend time with your grandkids?" card. Grandparents have already raised their own children, they may choose to spend as much or as little time with their grandkids as they wish, it is not "required" especially considering the fact you work and still have three kids at home!
EDIT: I just saw Melissa H's post about having them trade babysitting with each other, brilliant idea!!!
If your husband wants to babysit, let him. Get together with a girlfriend and go for a drink or to see a movie. If you prefer your down time at home, tell him he needs to do the babysitting at one of his daughters' places. I'll bet his tune changes real fast. Good luck :)

Hi L.:
This is the entitlement generation. Not all young folks are like this so
I don't want to imply it..

What I have learned up here is: Learn to say no to what you won't do.
Have you witnessed how the homeless on the street get by?
Have you seen other cultures over seas get by?
The old saying: The Lord looks after fools and children.
The Lord helps those who help themselves.

I've homeless but I pulled myself up the boot straps.

Tell your family members: These are my rules and this is all I will do for you.
Tell her that she will need to get consideration for BC after this baby is born because you will NOT continue to be the children's surrogate mother.
There are women out there that would love to adopt, suggest her to call the agency to plan for it.

Just a thought. I have had the experience you are sharing about. I finally said, NO. I don't feel guilty. Thanks be to y'all up here.
D.

Why would your financial stability be ruined by your stepdaughters? Are you supporting them?

If the babysitting is stressing you out - don't do it. Nothing says you have to babysit for them, correct? If your hubby wants to, let him, but find somewhere else to be when the grands are over.

You cannot change the past and the way your hubby and his Ex raised their daughter. I think your hubby's response of "what's done is done" is very telling of the way these girls were raised. But, that is the past.

You don't mention what kind of relationship you have with the girls - but have you tried to engage them in discussions about their plans for their children, themselves, higher education, financial planning, etc.

They are adults now. They are responsible for their own decisions.

I get the frustration over "watching" the girls have babies and live life with seeming irresponsibility. But either you take steps to help change them, or you have to let it go - for your own sanity.

Good Luck
God Bless

You need to stop babysitting on a regular basis. This can only serve to further your resentment. Tell your husband that he is welcome to do it but you will not be home.

And do NOT waste another second feeling anger at them-you are totally justified.

Why are you babysitting two days a week already? You are the grandparents - that means you get to drop in, kiss and squeeze them and (if you feel like it) buy them gifts. You have no obligation to do the parenting - you already did that (or DH did). And you are parenting 3 of your own children (not grandchildren). Let them get their own childcare. If your husband is not on the same page - you need to speak with an attorney/and or financial planner about planning separately for your retirement or you are right - there won't be any retirement.

Well I think it depends on a lot of things here. First why are you babysitting? So they can work? If so, that is fine. If it is for pleasure for them, then 2 times a week is too much. Even one time a week is too much. I am a single Mom of two kids and I would never expect anyone to watch my kids so I could go have fun. I have asked my Mom a handful of times over the last 6 years to watch my kids for a date, but that is under 10 times in 6 years. She has watched them for other important things, but not for fun. And yes being a single Mom is tough and help is appreciated but it sounds like these girls may not appreciate the help and perhaps are expecting too much. My Mom does not work and if she did, I would never ask her to watch my kids, it just would not be appropriate. Perhaps a few times a year on a weekend to spend time with them, but not for anything regular. If they have jobs, sounds like one does, and her hubby doesn't work, then why can't he watch the child? Does the one with the live in boyfriend work or does the boyfriend work? If both do then perhaps they can afford another sitter, if one doesn't then they can watch the child. If this is for pleasure, like someone else said they can trade nights and watch each others kids. I think are right to feel the way you do since you also have children of your own still living with you. If you want to help out once in while on a weekend, that is great but with both of you working, I wouldn't make it a regular thing. And there is probably not a lot you can do about them financially, other than not enable. Your husband might be able to do more or their mother, but as a step parent to a grown child it really depends I guess on your relationship with them which doesn't sound too close. but you could always try. And don't let your dreams be affected by your stepchildren. If you are helping them financially perhaps you need to stop. My parents do help me out financially when they can but I know they are planning for their future too, and I know they will be set and I would never want to take that away from them, and me and my children do without when we have to. That is life. Good luck, I hope the situation improves for you.

You're justified in your anger, and you feel how you feel so I wouldn't add guilt to the list. You didn't raise those girls to be who they are now. They're very lucky to have you there to care for their children and be supportive of the results of their poor life choices. Or perhaps I should say that the children are lucky to have you as an influence to help their clueless parents.

In a way your husband has a point. If his daughters are legally adults and they're married and living on their own, seriously then there's nothing you can do. Nothing. Except make a statement of not supporting their decisions by not accommodating your daughters when they come to you for babysitting on a whim and financial bail outs. You're going to need to set limits and not make these girls who should be women the center of your life (especially if they cause a lot of drama). They have to learn to live on their own and find their own solutions.

So from now on? No more financial hand outs. No more babysitting if it means you missing work. Unfortunately, you and your husband aren't done parenting these supposed adult women and the way you have to parent them is to support them in different ways than you have been. You don't have to continue to be victims of their lives. Oh, you're each having another baby? Well damn it, girls! I won't be taking care of 4 babies! Here's the number for an awesome daycare down the road. What? You HAVE to use me? Okay, well, here's my hourly rate per child. You can't afford me? Sorry but your dad and I have bills to pay.

It is not too late. It is not "what's done is done". Start forwarding articles to your husband about "boomerang kids" - there are usually a few every week on line. There's a real phenomema right now with parents who are approaching retirement and still assisting 20-something year old kids. Forward with a note that says "we are not alone, honey!" Most of these articles will address - some spot on - the problem being created with retirement savings from over-helping the grown kids. Talk in generalities about how our generation couldn't lean on our parents and this generation - with the bad economy and all - is leaning big time. And how worrisome that is because of course you just want to see your kids (yours and his, keep it general) self sufficient and know they will be okay when you retire and are on a fixed income and just can't help anymore. He may find it easier to agree "in theory" in general conversations than if it is straight out directed at his kids. After a while of this, it should be easier to talk more specifically about the financial assistance you are giving to his kids and how best to put some parameters on it so you can start preparing them for when you guys retire and can no longer help. Stress that you don't want to pull the rug out from under them. Then suggest ways to reduce any financial support you are giving them. That might mean you have to sit down with the kids and help them set up a budget. If they can't afford to live where they are living, they need to move. If they can't afford their car, they need to sell it. Their choices are their choices but that means they have to live with the consequences of their choices. As far as babysitting, that's your personal choice. (I would be okay with babysitting once a week but maybe a little terrified of 2 babies at once.) If you don't want to babysit for them or want it less frequently, then you need to communicate that to them. Good luck!