Stepdaughter or MIL?

I think you should let her be with her friends. She's at that age where its going to happen more and more that she will choose friends over grandma so grandma may as well start getting used to it.

We never do T or T until after it gets dark?

Wouldn't that work, going to Grandma's house later, after it got dark....just try to sell SD on the extra candy she'd get if she goes twice?!

I agree with all the other posts about letting her stay with her friends and keeping the plans that have already been made. I just wanted to add that even though DH is leaving the final decision up to you, you should be in agreement and present as a united front to his mother. I feel like many in-law relationships become strained when the MIL sees the DIL as the bad guy about making decisions to not see her. You are the newest member of this family, and it will be easy for MIL to blame you for any changes from past traditions/experiences. I would make sure it is clear to her that this is something the whole family has decided and agreed upon. I think it would be even more effective if DH did the talking. Happy Halloween!

This is the stupidest thing I've ever heard! Grandma needs to learn (now, not later) that SD is growing up and this is the first time she has shown that she wants to spend this time with her friends, which she should. This really is not a "family" holiday. Its for the kids and their neighborhood friends. Simply tell that to Grandma and invite her to come down and tag along if she likes. There should be NO obligation to go to her home whatsoever. Good luck!

Grandma is acting more like a hurt child then a mother. We are talking about trick-n-treating, not Christmas or Thanksgiving (typical family holidays). For a 9 year old, spending this holiday with her friends is more important then spending it with her grandma. I think you did the right thing by welcoming her to the event. If she wants to stay home and pout, so be it.

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Grandma is the grownup here. She needs to act like one. I would never hurt a child like that to please a grownup.

Let your step daughter spend her Halloween trick or treating time w/ her friends. It's time for Grandma to let go a little. I can understand she feels hurt and misses her old routine. It's the perfect solution to have Grandma come to you and your SD. You or your husband can simply explain that at this age Halloween is about friends and fun and it's not fair to take her away from that. Acknowledge she's growing up FAST, and invite Grandma to come over. Then it's her choice. Good luck!

I thought a family was mother, father, child then grandparents and great grandparents. Well, it iwll be hard but grandma is trumped for daughter and friends. Take lots of pictures and send them to grandma. Yes, she misses the fact that the child lived with her but that has changed and you all did invite her and she declined. So now she will be out. A two hour drive to grandma's for a little bit of candy and not close friends is not debatable.

The other S.

Let her stay with her friends.
Grandma can make the drive if she really wants to participate.
LBC

It seems to me like grandma doesn't want to be left out - which is totally ok, except when she's burdening her granddaughter to not be able to have friends. It's very childish. You're trying to fulfill SD's wishes while grandma is trying to take them away and making you look like bad guy. You were willing to compromise and have grandma over but if she isn't willing, then so be it. A nine year old should be having fun with friends! It would be different if it were Christmas, etc.

I think you need to do the friend thing. Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother what the decision is. She will be mad for awhile but hopefully get over it. I deal with a difficult MIL at times and it helps to have my husband deal with her over the touchy (to her) subjects. Good Luck and I hope your daughter has fun.

It's ridiculous to drive an hour away. This child has to eat dinner, trick or treat, then hop in a car for an hour and go to bed for school in the morning, right? Who is this about? The Grandmother or the kid? I guess you know my vote.

Let her trick or treat with HER FRIENDS!! She only has 2 or 3 years left to trick or treat, so let her decide! You don't want her resenting you! Tell DH it is time to cling to YOU, not his mommy! Yes family is important, but not to a 9yo!! Friends are your world at that age!

Good for you for standing up for your SD! Grandma needs to grow up and so does Dad! If Grandma wants to see SD on Halloween, she should come to you. 9 year olds want to be with their friends -NOT their grandmas at times like that! Honestly, it's one of the silliest things I've ever heard! Halloween IS a friend holiday. Grandma will eventually get over it. Quite honestly, I think I would have to say something to her.

Daughter has made her opinion known and I think she should stay home and trick or treat with her friends. Grandma will get over it. You asked Grandma to come and go with you in your neighborhood but she doesnt want to..... so it must not be that important to her to watch her granddaughter trick or treat and meet her granddaughters friends.
Sounds like she's having a hard time cutting the strings... it's baby steps, and this is one of those ;)
Take some good pictures of the action and put them in a card and send them to Grandma first thing next week to make up for it. I think that gesture will melt her back to normal after Sunday's disappointment.

I dont think that its so much about what SD wants to do, but your plans sound like fun, Can I join ya'll? lol I think you should stick with your plans and not disappoint the majority. You'll have Thanksgiving & Christmas with the family...My only suggestion was going to be to invite Grandma to your place which you already have...if it was important for her to be with SD that day trick or treating she would be there...obviously this is just about getting her way.

See it's situations like this that reminds me I made a healthy decision not to let my husband use our daughter to appease his mother. This is foolish, and selfish. Your husband needs to get a pair, seriously. There is no way your daughter should be forced or pressured to choose between HER friends and grandma. Really. Your husband is not helping matters at all and setting the family up for future disagreements, and more pushing and pulling with MIL who ultimately wants control and will play the "she hates me" card to get her son to cater to her needs when he should be doing everything in his power to keep peace in his household. Eventually, you and/or your daughter will resent both of them. Believe it. So, you can be gentle in declining invitations and pushing back on MIL's demands. As for your husband, you both need to sit down and talk about your daughter and her needs before your daughter starts rebelling!

Hi there,

I know this string has already been resolved and hopefully everything worked out on Halloween, but the type of behavior being displayed by Grandma is very similar to how my mother regularly behaves (and is now trying to use with our kids). I know she is your SD and 9yo and all but she is still young enough to need somebody in her corner to help support a decision that may not go over well with Grandma. It should be ok for your SD to think for herself and to know that just because somebody doesn't agree with her decision that that does not necessarily make her decision wrong. Grandma should have her grandchild's best interests at heart not her own. Your SD should be allowed to make her own decisions on little things like this and not be coerced into doing something else. Realistically how many more years is she going to have to trick or treat? IMHO, you had it right in your post. Easter, Thanksgiving, Christmas are family holidays- no questions asked. The others are for friends.

Anyway, hope things worked out well on Halloween. :-)

Grandma is the adult here... aka SHE should not be the one throwing a tantrum about not getting her way.

As a FAMILY y'all are going trick'o'treating in your own neighborhood / celebrating at your home, and as a FAMILY y'all have decided how the holiday should work (aka creating your own traditions). The only person who is neglecting family obligations here is gramma, by insisting that your family and the decisions you make as a family aren't as important as she is. You have arranged as a family how you wish to spend the day and have invited gramma to come spend it with you making it even more of a family affair. Refusing to be a part of it her own decision. Trick'o'treating is about CHILDREN... not placating adults acting like children.

Completely canceling your plans to drive 2 hours back and forth is ridiculous. It's like a guest insisting that the birthday party be at their house, because they don't want the bother of coming to the child's house. So instead birthday child has to come to them. Backwards.

Now if all of you *except* SD wanted to go to grammas, and she as throwing a fit... that would be about "getting her own way". This isn't about getting her own way... this is something that all of you discussed and planned and set up, and have been looking forward to... and now one person wants to completely cancel all of your plans. I wouldn't want to scrap all of MY plans that had already been finalized because one guest doesn't want to come either.

MIL needs to get a life! I'm sorry, but a 9 year old should be allowed to stay in her home area and go with her friends. My daughter is not quite 9 this year, but I am allowing her to go trick or treating with her friends. Unfortunately, her best friend lives about 2 miles away, which makes my daughter a little sad (she wants to go t & t at our neighbor's) but because it's not an hour away, she'll be able to do both. I think kids have a lot more fun when they're school age going with other kids their age or close, not with grandma (no matter how much she loves her.) Halloween is NOT really a "family" holiday, and grandma needs to realize your SD is growing up. Stand up for your SD, please!!!

Give me a break.. Halloween is for kids.. Of course SD wants to trick or treat and party with her friends.. Grandma should come and spend the day with all of you getting ready for the party, then maybe even spend the night.. I would think she would love meeting her granddaughters friends and seeing all of their costumes..

This is ridiculous.. My mom would never expect any of her grandchildren to feel guilty for wanting to party with their friends.. actually my mom has met all of their friends, she even drives them around and helps at all of the parties..

At our daughters High School awards ceremonies and Graduation events, they even knew my mom as our daughters Grandmother.. they give her hugs and introduce her to their parents.. Your MIL is missing out.. Maybe if Granddaughter could invite her she would be more willing to come to you all..

I think Halloween is a children's holiday... There are many upcoming holidays that are family oriented. However I think your daughter's wishes should trump Grandma's; let her celebrate Halloween with the friends she wants. Besides, you already made plans and committed to participate with other people before Granny invited you to come over. I think it would be rude to break the pre-existing plans and also, it sends the wrong example to your SD about honoring pre-existing plans and not backing out when you get another invitation.

As a compromise, perhaps there is a haunted house or other Halloween event/movie, etc. that you all could go to with Grandma on Saturday, then do dinner afterward? Your SD could wear/bring her costume if Grandma wants to see it/take pictures.

I say let it be SD's vote. Halloween and trick or treating is for the kids. Grandma needs to realize that her granddaughter is growing up. And it is up to the parents to decide not grandparents to demand.

I agree with you that Halloween isn't a "family" holiday like Christmas etc.

In my area, there are set trick or treating times (usually 6-8 or 6:30 - 8:30). If you were to do early w/ friends and then late w/ Grandma, what time would you get home since she is an hour away and Halloween is on a Sunday? I realize that you homeschool but Sunday is still a school night, is it not?

Grandma needs to get over it; her granddaughter is growing up! Friends and belonging are soooo very important at this age. I would let your stepdaughter plan her Halloween evening with her friends. If Grandma doesn't want to come, she will miss out.

I think your daughter should get to be with her friends. She spent Halloween at Grandma's last year and was upset she missed out on being with her friends. Grandma needs to accept she is growing up, and friends are a very important part of a growing girl's world. She's 9, not 3. I think your husband should talk to his mother. Even offer to go and pick her up, and bring her to your house for the day. Have lunch together as a family. Take pictures of SD in her costume and all the girls when they get together. Lots of pictures. Have Grandma hand out the candy at your door if she likes to do that sort of thing. When the pictures come back, Grandma and SD can spend an afternoon putting together a scrapbook.

I agree that the gramma is being a big ole baby! LOL.

I would tell her how unhappy the child was about last year and how happy she is to be going with friends this year. I can't believe she is more concerned for her own happiness rather than the child's.

I say go with what your kid wants because she is the important one.

You just backed up your decision. Go with it. Hubby wants to make mom happy but is giving you the deciding vote because he knows that YOU are unbiased enough to make the right decision.

Just get your husband to pinky swear that he won't throw you under the bus with his mommy - A few guys will refuse to make the decision so that they can claim it was someone else's fault. Hopefully he's not that kind of guy. lol.

And the MIL with thaw no matter what. Even if she loves you to pieces, she still has a right to feel like you've replaced her as the mommy in that alternative dynamic household. OF COURSE there will be power plays for a while yet as new situations come up. This one is your court, you are making the RIGHT decision and she will respect it.

And, don't feel you have to over-explain yourself to her or your husband, or your sd. Going out of your way to reiterate every single reason you chose it this way will end up making you look weak, as though you need validation and can lead to more arguments if one or more parties disagree with even one of your 45 solid reasons.

i say let the babygirl enjoy time with her friends your plan sounds good let them have fun & then pizza:) sounds like ur mil needs to get over it and come to yalls house:) good luck with everything

Please ask Grandma to come participate with her and her friends. How much fun for Grandma to see the granddaughter's friends and all the kids in costumes...and get to be a part of her "daily life".

I wish I could write a letter to the Grandmother and tell her how important this is to her grand-daughter. For her to be supportive and to travel to be a part of your family life.

Maybe Grandma doesn't want to drive an hour home after dark...maybe an over night stay invitation, so she could drive home in the morning would make her more comfortable. Plus that way she could stay for the whole pizza party and everything.

This happens when kids grow up, they want to hang out with their friends. It's normal and part of growing up. Grandma is going to have to get over herself.

I think trick or treating with her friends is fine(4:30? really? nobody starts out here until it starts getting dark!)- but it does sound like you are doing this just so your daughter doesn't throw a fit- and that doesn't' fly with me when my kids do that. It sounds like she gets it from her grandma though!
You did invite grandma over, and if she isn't willing to come over don't push it. Personally, I think an hour drive is a little long for an hour of trick or treating- that would be my reasoning for not going over to grandma's you do have to work the next day and that just makes it more stressful and less of a fun night.
Good luck!
~C.

I think that you should let her stay with her friends and not make her go to Grandma's. I agree with you that this is a "friend" holiday, not like Christmas, etc. But you and hubby need to stand united and tell Grandma that it is important to your SD to be with her friends, and that since she is spending the day with her on Sat. you are going to allow her to stay home and trick or treat with her friends because she's at an age now where that is important to her. Be nice about it, but firm. Good luck!

I can see why GM is upset - she is "losing" a special relationship that she had for a long time, and I don't think she prepared herself for it to happen. That said, she has to accept the fact that her GD is growing up, that she has her own friends, and that some activities are more for FRIENDS than family - like Halloween. Your husband needs to talk to his mom and explain that GD has to do kid things, but that faimly things will always be there, and that GM will always be a part of things. Dad and you need to communicate to her that you understand that she feels like she's losing something - but she did such a GREAT job being a GM that her GD is building healthy relationships! Dad has to take point on this, but support him. And if GD can send her something loving (card, etc.) to help with the transition, that might be nice. Good luck!

I think you should acknowledge Grandma's grieving. She got to stretch the empty nest a little longer and have your husband and you let her know that part of growing up is doing things like this. It might not be a huge accident that husband ended up staying home with his daughter for a long time. While Grandmas wonderful while she is in control, you might ease the transition by everyone discussing how things will be from now on. She can go to your house, or celebrate this when your daughter is there. It isn't about Grandma anymore, but might have been for a very long time. Point out that Grandma should be happy for your daughter that she is able to adjust without being the cousins anymore. I assuming you had to move for (jobs?) some good reason, so perhaps she can consider moving closer in the future to celebrate lots of events: dances (sorry grandma can't go to these), gradutions, etc. Grandma can be the grandma now.

Why not plan a trick or treat in town on Friday or Saturday with friends at a sponsored trunk or treat. Our local areas have activities going from Friday through Sunday at different locations. What if she and her friends did one of those type activities and she still trick or treat with Grandma.

I have to agree with Flo. If you continue to appease your MIL, she will expect this behavior always and eventually your SD will be able to make that decision for herself. To guilt her into doing something to not cause a fight will not help her later in life. She will never be able to stand up for herself. I think you need to encourage your husband to find a compromise. I have to agree that Halloween is more of a holiday for friends. I would make plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If MIL doesnt want to drive to see SD trick or treat, then she will be missing out. I hope yall can get this worked out. If not it will only cause problems for years to come.

How sad for your step daughter. I hope she can decide what she wants to do for other situations when she gets older.

I think my compromise would have been that grandma find a party on a different night somewhere and go to that. Our town had our city wide Halloween party tonight and everyone in town went, it was a blast. There are open invitation church parties, business parties, etc...that grandma could have compromised on too. You could find something like that too and she and her friends could attend that instead.

We have some party or another every night this week, none at the same place, and last year K wore a different costume to each one. She won first place at Wal-Mart on Halloween night. J came in second in his chicken costume. Have a party for them on another night if you can't find something else for them to do.

I can see why Grandma was upset too, but by 9, your SD is going to want to be with her friends and is old enough to be with friends rather than family. The best compromise would have been for Grandma to come to you, and she was selfish enough to refuse. I agree, let your husband work it out next year. You were right but no-one will thank you for it!!

For me and my family
" Family First ~ Always ".

Friends come and go ~ family is forever.

I'm sure that the children will be wearing their costumes to school on Friday and having a fun day together. Let her have a Friday night sleep over. Have a good movie, popcorn, ice cream, pizza, and candy treat bags.

= )

I just love Halloween. And because it is important to me, I make sure everyone gets included in my excitement. More work for me? Yes. But worth for the memories I am creating for my kids and family members.

We gets the kids into their customes and then visit great-gramma. Then we make another stop to visit MIL, SIL and cousins. Then we come home and make home-made pizzas together (you should see some of the crazy toppings those boys pick). Then my parents and sis come over for dinner. My parents man the door while we all go out trick-or-treating. When we come back, thre kids sort through their candy and argue with grampa about which pieces they'll give to him.

Would I be disappointed if my son says that next year he wants to go trick-or-treating with his friends (we use open enrollment so our kids go to school in a different city than where we live)? Sure. Would I let him go and suffer my disappointment and the disappointment of his granparents? Sure. After all, next year he'll be 10 and old enough to have the choice.