Step mom initiates and encourages lingering full body hugs with 12 year old step son. It seems very wrong to me but they both like it a lot. Please advise.
not resolved yet. It's an ugly custody case. Step mom has no children of her own. Step mom has 12-year-old son believing that she is his "real mom" even though my daughter is very much in the picture, a dedicated mom who has sacrificed much to compensate because dad is $30,000 behind in child support. Step mom tells lies about real mom (my daughter), and now the 2 older kids are in therapy for stress (the older one) and for confusion about who is real mother is (the 12 year old son). Step mom posts daily haikus in the Lansing newspper that she is a "real mom" and how "no evil will keep her from her children". Dad is entitled to 2 weekly 30-minute phone calls with the kids but actually only speaks to each child for 5 minutes. They have no money to pay child support but borrowed $30,000 from step mom's dad to pay for long court case; now my daughter has to pay $10,000 to fight to keep her own children, her family is stressed to the max, and she receives daily new false accusations from their attorney that they have to pay to fight.
That's how my whole family hugs. Including the ones who married in. Ranges from 98 to toddlers. So do 1/2 of my inlaws. The other half does the grab-n-pat.
not enough info to answer this. is the boy an immature 12 yr old? My sons laid all over me till they were about that age... they were just big babies and liked the affection. How long has the stepmom been in the picture, have they been bonded for a long time?
Like I said, there are a lot of variables so this is too hard to advise on at this juncture.
i am a stepparent and my stepdaughter and i do alot of things together. her mom isnt in her life and i treat her like she was one of my own. because she is. i hug her and kiss her and we have taken showers together she is very young though not even close to 12. lol. but alot of people want to say bad or weird things about step parents but then if we werent treating our step kids the same way that we treated our own kids then people would be saying things about that and the child would start to notice that they were getting treated differently then the other kids. so it is a double standard. i think as long as there is nothing sexual about it i would be happy that someone that isnt their bio-parent loves them enough to teach them love aka kisses and hugs and comfort, etc.
I know lots of people who hug like this. Bothers me b/c I'm not a touchy person, but I know it isn't sexual. Well, it may be for some people of course, so I wouldn't be concerned unless there was always other touchy, odd behaviors.
I think this is something I'd have to actually see before I could judge. I would need to get "the vibe" and go with my intutition.
This is tough. It does need addressing. Yet, its going to be tough because immediately she's going to feel threatened, like you think she is TRYING to be sexual with the stepson. She might be. Or she might just be really dumb and not realize that this is inappropriate. Either way what we're assuming about her is not positive and she will take offense. However it would be worse to not address it.
I would really take some time to think through how to address this with her. Talk to some people who know her and the situation. See if you can get a neutral person to go with you to talk to her. And whatever you do, talk delicately. Keep it general, maybe something like "I'm a little concerned about all the hugging. 12 year old boys are full of hormones and i don't want this to become confusing to him." Make simple "I" statements. Don't accuse, point fingers or try to belittle her intelligence. Now with all that said, it is very likely she will be offended and angry. But as long as you're being the bigger person and gracious, assuming the best, then that's all you can do.
Best wishes. Really pray for guidance here!
Would your son speak to his dad about this, or could you? He should step in and explain to her that he's growing up and this makes him really uncomfortable. I wouldn't suggest anything is inappropriate sexually, though it sure appears that way, but I'd go with boys being embarrassed & uncomfortable argument at this point. She may or may not realize what she's doing but it should definitely be stopped ASAP. Best done by your son or your ex, if at all possible.
I think this sounds normal to me. If both your son and the step-mom are okay with it, I'd let it be. If he acts like, or says he's uncomfortable, then it's a different story. It sounds like a show of affection to me.
Edit---After reading the rest of it, I doubt the hugs mean anything, however, her other behavior of saying she's their real mother etc. would not fly with me. You might want to seek some counseling for everyone (including the father/step mother) involved. This is way too confusing for the children I would think. Best of luck.
Hmmmm... is her son uncomfortable about it?
Is the hugs standing up or laying down?
Is it cultural?
How long do they body-hug????
I would really see how her son feels about it... he is at an age where they may or may not feel comfortable about it.
What does Dad think?
Oh sorry, you said her son likes it....
Try looking it up online...
He is at an age, or being a "Tween" and hitting puberty....
I think you probably need to include a little more information. Is this your son? How long has she been in his life? How much older is she than the 12 year old, and is she a much younger woman to her husband? I would say something to her about 13 year old boys and what they're thinking about. Careful to not accuse her of anything and make her feel defensive.
