Step Dad Has Very Different Views of Parenting

I assume the sisters share a room and have twin beds? If so, why don't you just sleep in the other bed so she knows someone is in there with her? Then get her counseling because this isn't normal behavior. JMO. Good luck.

No, it is not coddling.

Next time he can move to the couch.

ETA: why type of job does he have? My friends husband works in a steel mill and his job is very dangerous (he could fall into molten steel very easily). She caters to his sleeping schedule, as would I in this situation. So unless his job is dangerous where sleep depravation puts him at risk, he needs to be understanding and move to the couch.

I also agree with B. in the long run it will help her more if you comfort her in her own room.

No, it's absolutely right that you let your daughter sleep with you during rough times. As someone who has always had a tendency to vomit from anxiety, I can tell you that your daughter needs you during those times, and you are NOT coddling her.

Unfortunately, the stepparent thing is hard. Stepfathers come in late to parenting and don't know what they are taking about. I think it's probably common for them to take a hard line with kids, especially initially. I had that problem with my husband and his stepson.

If he is going to have a hissy fit about this, I would calmly say something like, "I understand that some of this parenting stuff is foreign to you, and it might seem to you that it's unhealthy for her to be coddled, but you are wrong, this is one time my (our) child needs me. You either need to accept that gracefully or we can go to a counselor or parenting classes where you can learn a little more about the needs of children."

Do not accept his hissy fits -- he needs to learn a few things or learn to shut up and be kind. If you let him to continue to have fits about his erroneous thinking, you are going to learn to dislike him. Nip this in the B., and you will probably need a counselor to help. I speak from experience.

In addition, you could also consider going into her bed, if it's big enough, so that he can get some sleep.

This is a temporary situation that will rectify itself when your older daughter returns from her conference. I would sleep in your daughter's bedroom until then. It's not a big deal.

Perhaps your husband will be less grumpy if his sleep is not disturbed.

Best,
T. Y

I'm not sure your husband has any right to tell you how to comfort your own children. Your daughter's reaction to her sister's absence is normal, your response to her is sensitive and loving. Refusing to comfort a child who is in that state is abusive, and it's shocking to me that he would challenge you about this. Thank goodness he wasn't around when they were babies, or you may have been convinced that leaving them to cry by themselves all the time was good parenting. A nine year old that's in the throws of a panic attack so severe she's suffering physical pain needs love and attention, not isolation and rejection.
Tell him to suck it up, and to trust you as their mother. I can't even imagine my own husband challenging me like that, and he's the biological father of my children.

Your distressed child who hasn't been in bed with you for years should have been forced to go away and not cuddle with you?

This is not 1950.

I think it's normal behavior for a sensitive child, and that you are comforting her and responding to her needs appropriately. Sometimes kids, even our bigger kids, need a little more loving when they're stressed. If this was a regular thing, then I'd be concerned, but it's not. It's the first time they've slept apart, and she's feeling it.

I think that you husband needs to calm down and respect that you know how to parent your child. I would then work on fostering a bit more independence in your 9 year old...perhaps the 13 year old can go on some sleepovers while your 9 year old has a friend sleep over and then ease her into having a sleepover somewhere without her sister. I wasn't OK sleeping at anyone else's house until I was maybe 11 or 12, I used to get homesick, and used to like always having one of my sisters in my room (my younger sister and I shared a room until I was 16).

I'm finding it confusing that some of the posters find your daughter's reaction as "normal". This isn't usual separation anxiety... this is far and away something much bigger. Please seek help for your daughter... your husband wasn't very supportive, and can you understand that this would be unusual and bizarre for him? I don't agree with how he handled it, but that's a secondary problem for the moment.

Maybe there's something deeper going on if your daughter is throwing up and your husband is having hissy fits? This doesn't sound usual to me.

I think the question is what are you doing during the day? Does not matter that they have shared a room since she was one, this is not normal behavior it is driven by more than sharing a room at night.

I would be frustrated with you as well because you are dealing with the symptoms, not the cause. You didn't know this would be an issue until it became an issue but then it seems like you just crossed your fingers and hoped it didn't happen again rather than discuss her fears with your daughter.

I don't agree with your husband's choice of words but I agree with his feelings. I also wonder why you chose to make it so important that he is the step father. Is this a thing you do, diminish his take on things like he doesn't understand because he is only a step father? If so that is just adding to the problem.

You need to talk to your daughter, find out what these triggers are, why is she actually becoming so stressed she is throwing up! You can't just ignore this and make it your husband's issues. Your older daughter is 13, this isn't the last time this will happen. It is also happening during the day but your younger daughter is able to work through it on her own. Help her figure out how to work through it during the night.

What kind of man did you marry?

No, it is not coddling.

I think he sees a pattern. Why is she having such a hard time with this? Most kids wouldn't.

I have seen kids her age go away to camp for a week and maybe once miss home. But then there is that one kid, out of a couple hundred, that cries themselves to sleep missing home. So much they get sick to their stomachs and throwing up. They got sent home. Those are the kids that never left home until they got married and then wanted to live next door to mom and dad.

To me that family is way too enmeshed. The mom and dad ended up moving away to another state and the girls husband couldn't quite his job so she had to get used to mom and dad not being there.

Maybe he sees some of that sort of connection in your daughters relationship since he's the step dad and not their dad.

Is it possible to move them into separate rooms in the near future? To allow them to both have individual space but still have time together outside of their bedrooms while they're sleeping? I wonder how clingy she is to the sister when sister is home? I'd ask if sister has any problems with this sort of thing.

From now on go lay down with her instead of her coming to your room. Hubby is not dad and is an adult male in his own room where a tween child is laying there. He may feel his privacy is violated and that he has a right to not have children in his bed.

i have two concerns about this post. the first and most serious is why a 9 year old is this anxious about sleeping alone. she has NEVER slept by herself? it's way past time for her to learn this simple, essential life skill. my boys too shared a room for years, but both were perfectly capable (and cheerful) about sleeping solo when the other was having a sleepover somewhere else. throwing up from anxiety is a huge red flag for me.
did the girls get counseling about the divorce? i mean, maybe that's at the heart of it.
my other concern is their stepfather being such a hardass. yeah, if you don't normally keep a family bed (sensible since there's a divorce and remarriage here) it's disruptive to him, but he also sounds pretty selfish. i mean, he can go sleep on the couch, right?
but he does have a point if your daughter has been in bed with you every night since her sister left, and is STILL so upset she's making herself sick.
some comforting is fine. night after night of comforting indicates that something is amiss. your daughter needs help in learning how to cope with life's very minor curveballs, like sleeping alone (in her own bed, in her own home.) your husband needs to lighten up.
who cares how it's 'qualified'? everyone's disrupted by it. it needs to be addressed.
khairete
S.

He needs to get over himself.

I agree completely with Talkstotrees. The circumstances are unusual, your child is in real distress, and you comforted her. She feels insecure because the other child is gone. What's the big deal with helping her? Your husband sounds very cruel in this regard. I don't know how long he's been in the picture, but I would think his primary concern should also be the comfort of this child, assuming he loves her or at least has some feelings for her. Even if he doesn't, how dare he tell you not to comfort a child who is anxious? She's not sleeping with you - she threw up one night, and she came in again a few days later at 4:30. It's interesting to me that you said you let her in your half of the bed "not disturbing him and his half of the bed." So even with a stressed-out child, you still felt the need to not disturb him? Sounds like you sort of suspected he would react adversely to this. Why isn't your sleep and that of your daughter just as important? I hope he comes around.

Child upset - comes to mom to seek comfort. You can let her sleep with you, let her sleep on floor in your room, or walk her back to her room and settle her. Those are the options we have at our house. Depends how tired I am, if there's room in the bed, if it's a bad dream vs. feeling sick, etc.

My husband gets the nudge and he gets up and goes in lies in our kid's bed if this happens here :)

Musical beds we call it. Doesn't happen very often, but I like to think the kids know we're available if they are that upset even if it means the middle of the night.

I don't see this as an issue with your daughter (other than her having anxiety) so much as your husband has boundaries. If he's not ok having kids in the bed, then you might want to respect that and just take her back to hers. Hissy fit though ... seems a bit extreme.

Good luck :)

I would work with her on her anxiety without her sister in the room. I would also take her to the couch to snuggle and be calm vs having her in your bed if it disturbs your DH. My DH cannot sleep with a kid in bed and he's her father.

You are doing the right thing, it's absolutely comforting not coddling!
He's being insensitive to a child that is not his and you are seeing it with your own eyes. Now you know it's there, I'd watch for it in other areas, not saying having a tough/firmer step father is always a negative, just saying I wouldn't let this go unchecked.

How about the next time 9 yr old can't sleep (and 13 yr old is out of town) that you go with her and settle her in her own bed and then you stay in your other daughters bed until she feels better?
It's not coddling.
Your husband could have had more compassion.
You tried not disturbing him but he was disturbed anyway.
You can comfort her all you want in her room.

He had an over the top reaction (that could be partially excused if he was woken up because grumpiness is normal at 4:30 in the morning).

Unless the older child has a bunk bed, there's no reason for you to not go into the girls room to comfort her - that way, 3 people aren't having their sleep disturbed.

Is your 9 year old overly anxious generally? I was also wondering about the level of anxiety she's having about the situation. It may be worth talking to her pediatrician about it - throwing up anxiety levels isn't good.

I was very hormonal at nine years old. So I'm guessing a lot of this anxiety is do to her hormones. That being said, I also find that she most likely relies on her older sister for comfort, friendship, and it may be hard to adjust to sleeping in a room by herself if they have always shared the same room.

Since you say your divorced, it also may have something to do with her own fears of losing a family member. Having to adjust to a father moving out, and then having a new male moving in, and now her sister is not home could potentially be causing her anxiety and fear. To you and everyone else you know that your daughter will be returning soon. To your daughter with all of this experience that has happened, and adjusting that took place.. It probably is causing some upheaval.

Has she been through counseling after and during the divorce? How is her relationship with her step-father? How recent was the marriage to your husband and the divorce?

I do think this is more then just being sad that her sister is gone.

Was it four thirty a.m. that he threw his hissy fit? My husband is often the most wonderful man but disturb him while he is sleeping and he will jump, and bark and bite. She is alone in a room without sister after a lifetime of being with her. Perhaps go with her. Talk about it and find out how she can handle future separations. How about a pet