Starting over in Every Sense---i'm About to Have a Breakdown

The night after my father moved M. into a tiny apartment in the middle of Poughkeepsie, NY for my residency... I sat on my second hand leather sectional and sobbed. My parents and sisters were a plane ride away, my aunts and uncles 4 hours away, my grandparents about 30 minutes away. I knew one person and had met only the people who interviewed M. at work. I was wearing a huge diamond and was pretty sure I didn't want to marry the guy I had moved to NY to marry.

Then it hit M.... this was "it". I was starting my real life. I was an adult. I was on my own. I made my own choices. I was terrified because if I failed, it was 100% on M.. I was excited because if I succeeded, it was also 100% on M.. I had to figure it out on my own. My parents couldn't do it for M., nor could they fix anything anymore. I couldn't pretend that I had it all together when I didn't.

You are going to be great. It's not going to be easy, but you are going to create this life for you and for your daughter. You will make mistakes, but you will learn from them. You will have months when you are eating rice and beans, but you will get through those months. You will have months when you call off a wedding and second-guess yourself, but in the end you will know that they are YOUR choices and YOU can live with the consequences.

Enjoy this time!

The first thought that popped into my mind after reading this is the book "Oh, The Place You'll Go" by Dr. Seuss! I think it was written for you :) hang in there ~ nobody ever said it would be easy, but it will be worth it! Sending strength your way :)

You have a wonderful way of expressing yourself! You have a real way with descriptive words. Consider a career change! I really get a vivid picture of what you are going through. That's an art form girl!

I have gone through this and am sort of going through a bit of it now. You will be surprised at J. how strong you really are. J. keep putting one foot in front of the other. Do what you have to do everyday to move your little family forward. Try not to look at the big picture - its overwhelming. J. take it one bite at a time. Do what it takes to take good care of yourself, physically and emotionally. Liek you said - you have to depend on yourself, so excercise, eat well, and start some counseling. I found marriage counseling very helpful in my divorce! I was taught strategies for daily living, as my therapist put it. Keep yourself busy and get lots of rest. Start a multivitamin, St. Johns Wart, and BComplex if you aren't already. and breathe. When things get overwhelming, stop, take a breath, remind youself that you were fine before you met him.

Nothing worth having is really easy to get. And with the sense of humor you've got your gonna do great!

I love how viscerally you describe your uncertainty. Yes, I have been there – I left my first husband when my daughter was 8, and had similar giddy sensations. But I found that as long as I kept my eyes and heart open, it was safe to J. take one step after another. With each step, my path became clearer, and I felt more confident. I didn't come to the edge of the world and fall off – the earth was round and days kept coming around J. as they always had.

And eventually, I found I was in a much better place than my first marriage had ever offered. I wish you the same!

You've got a lot changing at once.
But, truly, what I think you are feeling is....excitement.

Is it going to be perfect? Nope.
Does it have to be? Uh-uh.
But you will be the captain of your own ship! The master of your own domain!

And you're not alone. You have your daughter. and a lifetime of good role-modeling and adventure ahead of you.
Handle things little by little. O. thing at a time.
And breathe!

When I moved 700 miles away from home when I got my first job in my profession after college - it was scary, but exciting, too.
Yeah, I had a few terrified crying jags.
But then you wash your face, blow your nose and put your best foot forward.
There are a lot of unknowns, but you should have confidence in yourself that you will figure things out, overcome difficulties and a year from now - you will wonder what you were worried about.
You will be the master of your own domain!
I think you'll end up liking it a lot.

Isn't it strange that when you finally get what you've always ever wanted you go into mental melt down mode?

I say to you, "PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN". Remember every single instance with this man that got you to this point. You are only alone if you choose to be. Where are your friends? As women we need our girlfriends? Where is your faith life? As a woman of faith I can trust in the promises of God which state clearly that He would never leave M. nor foresake M.. This means I am never alone no matter how I feel.

When you get to your new place, join a group, get involved in a hobby, volunteer. This will get you connected with people with the same vision of life that you share.

Get a vicegrip on your emotions and stimulate the memories of every horrible thing he put you through and step confidently into your future further away from him and his nonsense and into a wonderful and wonderous new world. It will be whatever you make it to be but you must be brave. So BE BRAVE.

Yes, of course, many of us have been thru this and survived and THRIVED...all in due time. Its like the grieving process, you must work thru each stage to get thru it. Your angry, hurt, denial, relief, scared, etc. Day to day you don't know how you're going to feel but you do whatever it takes to get thru it. Don't look at the 'what if's'. J. try to get thru the day and not worry to far down the road, that will come. Good luck. I know its hard and overwhelming but you will get thru it.

I J. wanted to say good for you for putting yourself first!! You deserve to be happy!! It sounds like an incredibly demanding, exciting and nerve wrecking time in your life. Remember to breath, take each day as they come and journal how you are feeling so in a few months you can look back and realize how far you have come!

Good luck!

You CAN DO THIS!! :) We are with you girl!! It's scary, but J. take it one step at a time!!

My advice would be...be prepared. Think about where you want to be...what you want to do...a goal to work for and look forward to. Also, know what you will do if such and such should happen. Have a step by step plan for contingencies and worst case scenarios. Knowing what you would do in situations, should they occur will be a blessing if something happens!!

You are taking an exciting, yet scary step in your life. J. know that YOU can do this!! Good luck and many good thoughts to your and your success!!!

Nope but then again I am a jump in and that will give M. a good idea of how the water is kinda gal. By the time I figure out I made a mistake I am already swimming. :)

Sometimes it is good not to over think the what ifs, a lot of times they J. never happen.

Jen:

There is sooo much to learn about yourself as you do life without your ex-husband...

here's my advice:

1. Do NOT date for at least a year...why? because you need to know who YOU are...what has changed about you, why you divorced, what you want out of life...do not complicate those processes with a man...especially since you feel you are on top of a capsized boat.

2. remember to take a deep breath and let it out slowly EVERY DAY...

3. YOU and your daughter should be your priority. Make a schedule and/or routine and get your life as a single mom in order.

4. Budget your time and your money. you are doing this on your own - I would advise (STRONGLY) that you go to a cash-only basis and enroll in a financial management course so you can plan for your future accordingly without the stress of wondering "can I do this on my own?"

Really - remember to take a deep breath EVERY DAY....focus on you - what has changed about you - keep a journal...think of what you were like 5 and 10 years ago - compare the YOU now....make a flow chart (like a river) of where you want to go, what you expect and start making it happen...

DO NOT DATE!!! Seriously - know yourself as you are NOW before you date...wait at least a year..

Hi, Jen:

Still going through the aloneness of life. It is so sad to say that our American culture has gotten to be so "individualistic." If you are planning to get into another relationship, see what happened that has effected you to have 2 broken relationships with the partners in your life first.
You are young so the possibilities of finding someone is unlimited.

J. a thought.
All the Best.
D.