Spoiled Rotten

Hello!! I also have the same problem with my son!! It's his way or no way! I am not much help, because I really don't know how to fix it, I just want to let you know you are not alone!!

It's a stage, My 5 year old duaghter (only child, and only grandchild) Is the most spoiled girl in the world I swear. She went through that stage (autonomy, or seperation anxiety whatever you wanna call it) it ends at about 2 1/2 and you'll wish it didn't. try to set some boundaries now, but only set boundaries that you can be consitstant with. She is well behaved now, and we really spoil her so it must be just a stage,, try to enjoy it.

My son is 11 months and acts some what similar to what you are describing. He's not spoiled though and not my first child either. I think it's kind of a mix of "mama's boy" behavior and being a bit strong willed. I do what the other poster suggested. Just be firm with your words to him and then redirect his attention to another activity. spanking isnt my suggestion at this age or any age for that matter. when my son doesnt get his way and throws a fit, I just put him down and let him cry it out for a few minutes. after those first few minutes of tantrum, he goes on his happy way of playing or finding something else to do most times. If you are the prime caretaker, you need to be consistent and have the same reaction to his behavior every time, that way he isnt confused by your words and actions. good luck!

My 10 month old son is exactly the same way. Sometimes I feel like I can't even go to the bathroom without him crawling down the hall after me. I try to encourage the time that he does spend without me. He loves to take things apart so I give him something he can work at for a while and then I step out of the room for a minute and see how he does with that. Try it minute by minute at first and see how long he can go without having you right there by his side. As for trying to get him to not do things if he doesn't want to understand no...well my mother always taught me that with babies they will eventually get it if you just keep doing it. So if he keeps wanting to touch the stove you tell him no and take his hand away. KEep doing it until he loses interest. Which he will because he is in exploritory mode most of the time. Hope that helps!

My suggestion. Don't reward bad behavior. You just have to be firm, spanking is not required. When he wants on your lap and your writing your letters, just place him on the floor with another activity. He will eventually get the point. I would do the same when he doesn't get his way. If he wants to play with a Knife(Exapmle) and you say no just take it away from him. He will eventually learn that he wont always get his way. Be patient,consistent, and firm. It will get better with time. I hope that you found this useful. Welcome to the wonderful world of parenting!

I think the saying is 'you can't spoil an infant'. I did LOTS and LOTS of holding and cuddling and I even co-sleep (We all sleep much better that way and no we don't mind sharing a King size bed with our little guy even though he takes up more room than the two of us adults). Once he started pulling up and getting mobile...we had to make sure we started setting his boundries. Since different kids reach these milestones, you would naturally not need to set boundries at the same time as other kids.
Yes, I comfort him when he has a major fall. But when he has something he's not supposed to have, then we have to say no. At 1st there were lots of tantrums which involved him banging his head on the floor. He got over that when he realized we wouldn't do anything about it at home and in public we'd carry him under our arm like a football and leave.
Then he started to hit us when he didn't get his way. We would promptly put him down and let him cry...he's getting better, but he's still learning.
He also tests us to make sure that we won't change our minds as to what he can and can't do. Just the other day he was going for the DVD player buttons that he's not supposed to touch while looking over his shoulder at his Dad...Dad said "no"...Son pushed the button, then when Dad came over to move him and scold him, Son ran away laughing. I couldn't stop laughing because it just reminds me how smart kids are.
As for getting things done, I too have a clingy boy. I have to take my showers with him having access to the bathroom and he likes to peek into the shower and see what I'm up to. Little by little he checks on me less and less and I hope that means that he understands that I'm not going away, I'm still there for him, even if I'm busy.
Eating with my boy on my lap is also a common occurance and I've been trying to transition him to his highchair for food intake...some days are easier than others. He definitely won't eat unless I am (or my husband).
Each child seems to have their own schedule on when not to be clingy with their Mom and/or Dad. My friend told me that her youngest (after 3 non clingy kids) had to be with her 24/7 for the 1st 2-3 years of her life and then one day was fine with being by herself. But before that, she had to carry her in a sling or carrier while doing everything.

One thing I tried is setting up a flexible schedule. Wake up around the same time and get the two of you ready the same way each day. Let him pick out his own shirt or pants for the day just like you pick out your clothes for the day. Then have breakfast together...either go for a walk or a play date or the park or the gym. I have found the gym to be a great place to both workout AND get some alone time for reading, writing or just sitting and thinking. Once that is done, spend some time playing/reading/interacting with him. Maybe he'll nap for you and you can get stuff done around the house. When he wakes up do lunch together or more outside time. Then try to get him to play on his own while you are in the room. Sit and watch him while you are doing what you need to do. Night time routines vary based on when your kid wants to go to bed...ours is a night baby.

I'm sure you'll find something that works for you...Maybe you just need to learn to say "no" and mean it, even if he cries. He'll soon learn that you mean business.

Baby steps. Start small with activities that he likes to do where you can be doing your own activity and still observing him. My son has gotten to the point where he can play in his room while I am in my room cleaning, he checks in with me evey 10 or 15 minutes but is enjoying his independance. My son is 3 1/2. Good luck! You must be a really good mom for him to want to be so close to you all the time:) When I am feeling frusterated with little stages I think about how much I will miss those things once they have passed.

Hi T., you have gotten alot of great advice and I guess I will try to add to it. My daughter is now 12yrs old and she went through exactly that. I also currently have a new "nephew" (my good friends 17mo old son) that I babysit on a regular basis. He is also going through this now. I went to parenting class for my daughter because I had a hard time understanding/dealing with the same behavior.

#1 your son doesn't understand consequenses or boundries yet, he only knows what he wants and what he has learned will get that. He lacks the skills to know our agendas because he only knows his own. That isn't spoiled because he doesn't even know what that really is.

#2 I know this stinks, but it is OK to let them cry. I learned that I was much more effected by it than her/him. If I had to do chores or shower, I would put her in the playpen with alot of stimulating/noisy/favorite toys and then do what I had to do. When you come back they are so happy to see you and they have started to self entertain, which I found out was very important.

My daughter came out of that stage so much better than I was thinking she would at that time. LOL Being a mom is the hardest most selfless job ever.

L.

Hi T.,

We all love our children. That being said, it is time for some hardcore discipline. Do you watch Supernanny? She just had a show on this same thing. When I am trying to teach my daughter something, I cannot just say no. Children really test their parents. I have to pick her up and move her, then explain why I did. The other thing is, if you give in, after saying no, they will use that to their advantage. I'm dealing with a similar issue. I am having to ONLY feed my daughter in her highchair. It is tough, becasue we have to teach her that her food is hers, and mommy or daddy's food is not hers. She fusses at times, becasue it is a change. Humans don't know how to deal with change at first. You have to lovingly show that the change is good, you love them and are doing what is best for them. Ultimately, children just want to please parents. However, it sounds like you have let your authority get questioned by your child. Remember, it isn't punishing your child, that is done out of anger and frustration. Discipline is teaching your child a skill that will ultimately make life easier. When teaching a lesson explain that you love him. That is important. When I was a kid, I was punished. I think a lot of my generation was. However, as long as we are patient and kind, discipline can be taught. I have found it not only helps my child, but me as well. Hope this helps...

Blessings,

K

Hey T.--you've had a lot of good and varied advice from other moms but I just wanted to add one other thing--your child needs firm and consistent boundaries and doing so will actually be better for both of you--he will respect you more and be a lot more secure in his role as the child and not the boss. Don't feel that setting rules means you love him any less. Our world is full of rules and we all need to learn to abide by some of them! Take care.

J.

i know exactly how you feel! phillip(10 1/2 mts) is my first, so far only, and i couldn't help but love to hold him and cuddle, we co-slept, i breastfeed... i just love being close to him and holding him. BUT, i realized that i couldn't do anything with out him in my arms and i have a huge problem with that. i'm actually going thru getting him into his own bed and the first few nights were not fun, but he actually slept thru the nite last night. i guess what i'm trying to get at is i let him cry. they invented plypens, exerscaucers, walks and other baby containing devicer for a reason. to keep them safe while we do necessary things like shower... i know it sounds mean to let them cry, but HE WILL NOT LOVE YOU ANY LESS! in fact, since i put my foot down my son seems to enjoy this new selection of mommy-free fun stuff to explore. i hope you find this helpful, i know i am a bit nervouse as a first time mom, but i hear it gets easier. be strong, consistency is key and be sure to praise the good stuff, make a big deal out of the stuff they do right. GOOK LUCK.

What do you think spoiling accomplishes? Do you see it as a positive trait in your child as he grows? will you help him or cripple him? Will he know the values of things? WIll he learn to work hard and persevere, or mind the needs of others?

I would suggest perhaps finding other ways to show your love, and to put your energy towards what you feel are the important things you want to instill in him. Why not find a parenting course in your area and attend those classes. Give him the best gift you can give him, which is proper guidance, and the room to grow and develop, and learn to cope with problems and different situations. Perhaps having a set method, a 'guide' for you, and an explanation for why to do (or not do) certain things with children.

I also spoiled my first grandchild. I hated to hear her cry and I wanted her to have a "perfect" world. I'm surprised at how long it took me to realize that letting her have her way may seem perfect to her but it certainly is not for the rest of us. And she'll have a very difficult time growing up. A self disciplined life is a necessity for success.

Of course learning discipline starts when we're babies. I, too believe that you cannot spoil a baby by holding them and meeting their needs quickly. But this does not mean letting them have or do whatever they want. It means teaching them boundaries and lettting there be consequences when those boundaries are not kept.

For me I also had to accept that my granddaughter did not have to be happy all of the time. And she is too young to already know the action of reciprocity. On some level I thought that she and I could co-operate in making both of us happy. LOL big time

The way that I'm changing the interaction between my 6 yo granddaughter and myself is to be sure that I mean no when I say no and stick with it. At first she whined and cried and she still usually starts doing it and I have to stop her. She is whining less and rarely cries. When she cries I know that she's hungry or needs more attention. Then I feed her or hold her but do not allow her to change my mind.

What I advise is to decide what rules you will always enforce, such as touching the TV and VCR buttons. And then try to not ever let him get away with it. Moving him and diverting his attention is an excellent way to handle this and most other acts.

For example when you want to write letters get him busy doing something else. Everytime he interrupts you take him back to that activity. Yes, he'll cry and probably even throw a temper tantrum at some point but stay as calm as possible and just keep putting away from you. You have to be consistent in putting him away from you, consistent in ignoring his tears other than to perhaps say, "I know you don't want to do this and it makes you sad/mad but this is the new rule in our house. This is very difficult to do.
But if you can be consistent and persistent for as much as an hour or two more than one day he will eventually learn that he is happier playing near you but letting you write your letters.

I have only had to do such a thing a few times on each occasion but I have had to be consistent for more than one day. The hardest part for me at the beginning was for me to keep my cool. At first I feel sorry that he/she is unhappy and then I get irritated and eventually angry. Now I talk to myself in my head telling myself I am doing the right thing. And I've discovered that the reason that I get angry is because I can't stand being sad. Now I acknowledge that I do feel sad and so do they and it's OK. That helps alot.

I've also found that I can be more effective if I don't say no. One way is to redirect what they're doing. If they have found a knife in the kitchen handing them a toy. They'll always trade with me.

Another time that I have had difficulty was when I left their house to come home. They'd cry, I'd feel sad and go back several times to give them a hug and remind them I would be back another day.
Now we have a good bye routine. For my granddaughter it's a hug, a kiss, a nuzzle with the nose, a butterfly kiss and recently she's added a nuzzle on the forehead, cheeks and chin. I then say good bye and leave. While we were developing that routine (she was 3 or so) she'd still cry but I didn't respond and in a very
short time the crying stopped. I don't know if that would work with your son. It may be something to which the older toddler responds.

My granddaughter always wanted to sit on her mother's lap to eat, too. My daughter just kept putting her into her own chair over and over. Yes, she cried. In a few days Monet went to her own chair without a fuss. Once in awhile she tested to see if her mother still meant business but her mother never gave in. Sometimes I didn't mind if Monet sat on my lap while eating but other times I wanted her to sit in her own chair. I continued to have difficulty getting her to sit in her chair when I wanted her to do so.

I'm not sure what you mean by earning that spoiling or even what you mean by spoiling. We need to do fun things with our kids just because they're our kids. The shouldn't have to earn attention. But you can use rewards as incentives.
Rewards such as stickers, a special trip for an ice cream cone, that sort of thing when the child has succeeded in doing what you have asked them to do. I'm not sure what that would be at 16 months.

Giving children attention does not spoil them. It's not having and enforcing boundaries that spoil them. The solution, tho not an easy one, is to decided where you want the boundary and enforce it no matter how much the child objects.
Start with one thing, such as leaving you alone while you write letters and master that before going on to the next one.

My aunt, who took care of her severly mentally retarded girl for 50 years, told me to pick my battles when my mother was critical of the way I was raising my daughter. That helped me alot. Decide what's important and only deal with that when you're overwhelmed. And be good to yourself, always. That means praising yourself to get rid of the guilty feeling.

at 16 mo. I'd hardly say he was rotten or spoiled..those are terms given to food.

Especially at 16mo. children go through a stage where they are about to turn into big kids. they become irritable, attached, and fussy. soon you'll see it will all be over and you'll have a big boy!! it is frustrating I know we just went through it.

Your son is going through a stage called Autonomy, which means he is about to be independent, this is scarey to him so he is making sure you will be there if he needs you. he is really testing you. just love him and show him you will.

I also think though, that you can set boundaries. if you are at the computer for example; put a chair next to you and tell him he can sit on that chair if he screams tell him he can scream it's okay but you need your lap right now.

it really is his developmental stage.

I have learned that you have to be strong and don't give in to the tantrums. When they do what you ask, make a big deal out of it. Do a dance, sing a song, do high five. Act like they just discovered the cure for cancer! They love the possitive reinforcement.

Looks like someones ready for timeout if you ask me... Pick a spot and when he doesnt listen make him sit there no matter what for like 10 minutes.. Maybe that will work..