Spliting up After 12 Year

Wow. Out of no where he just decided to leave? Is he the type of man that will own up to his responsibilities and let you and the kids stay in the house and still pay all the bills? If not, get an attorney and quick.

I am no expert but I beleive that California has a common law marriage rule that states if you have been with the same person for more than 7 years (can prove that you have been living together and acting as a married couple) that you have every right that a married woman has. So in effect you should get spousal and child support and halof of everything. Contact a lawyer (a lot of time they will give basic advise on things like that over the phone) or look on line for the common law marriage rules. Good luck

You so need a competent attorney. I worked in family law for over 20 years. I would refer you to A Center for Children & Family Law, Sheryl Edgar or Tisha Harman. They are in Orange. Telephone number ###-###-####

V, ******HUGGS*****

Ok I need to start off by saying that you are going to get all kinds of crappie responses regarding being in a relationship with children and not being married....DON'T TAKE ANY OF IT TO HEART!!! Relationships can end even if you are married so don't listen to any crack pot rambling “Ohhh it’s to bad you weren’t married” “You should have been married then your relationship would have been saved.........BS! **Whew...k I'm done** LOL!

~~Ok this might get a little long~~ I have a lot to say…..I apologize LOL! :0)

First things first…..if you don’t think the man in your life to be honorable, and know that you need somewhere to live with your children the by all means GET ON THE LAW SIDE OF THINGS! Make sure that you can provide for your children first and for most and if filing paper work with the court is the only way to do it THEN GET ON IT!!!!

Girl you need to FIND YOUR SELF WORTH!!! Why are you convinced that he is the only one for you!!?? Does he treat you that good? Is he honored that you have bore his children, does he put you on a pedestal, is he proud of you not matter what your doing, does he love you unconditionally even with a big belly, ugly zit, or dirty house, does he treat you with RESPECT, does he refrain from name calling and insults, can you see love in his eyes and hear it in his voice when he talks to you??!! If you answered NO to any of those then HE’S NOT WORTH YOUR LOVE!!
Don’t get me wrong, I know it hurts to loose something that you are so use to having and think you need. I sympathize with you and know you are going through some serious pain and fear of being alone raising your kids…..but everything happens for a reason. REMEMBER THAT! How did the relationship turn out like this anyway, have you having problems for a long time?

My suggestion is make a list…..list the good things about your relationship and the bad…..my guess is that you will have a longer list on the bad side. It sounds like you have lost who you are and now you’re convinced that you are only whole with him…...and that couldn’t be further from the truth!
Self-confidence breeds attraction, if you don’t love you, then nobody will! I think you need to take a step out of the box of pity, loneliness, sorrow, and loss and step into the circle of strength, positive energy, light, and love. You need to find you…....work on you! A woman is a strong, capable, powerful creature EVERY WOMAN even you! If we don’t nurture ourselves and keep the light within us strong and vibrant then we tend to forget its there. Wake the light within you and realize that the powers that be don’t give us anything that we can not handle and that at the end of pain comes relief. Take time to center your energy on you and your kids and don’t fool yourself into thinking that you will find YOU while allowing yourself to wallow in pity…...your children NEED to see you as strong and feel positive energy coming from you to get through a tough situation…...STAY STRONG! If not for you then for your children……listen to the light within you and it will help you through what very well might be the hardest thing you have ever had to do! I send positive energy, loving thoughts, and brut strength your way…..its up to you….I BELIEVE IN YOU! Now just believe in yourself and the rest will fall into place.

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."

Human potential, though not always apparent, is there waiting to be discovered and invited forth.

Peace~Love~Light
V.

Ok again I want to say IT'S OK THAT YOU WEREN’T MARRIED! Don't let ANYONE make you feel bad for not signing a paper...love comes from with in not out of a court house or church! And for goodness sakes don't lower yourself to begging and pleading for him to stay. If he was yours he will return...you hold the key! The key is the strength and self confidence that you have lost along the way....honor yourself and find YOU find your strength!!

Ok now I'm done...really! LOL! :0)

Hi.

I am so sorry that you and your boys are going through this. I hope that you all will be okay. My advice for your financial situation is similar to the other responses.

You do need to hire a lawyer. Common law will apply to you - my cousin's live in girlfriend of 15+ years left him and California treated it like any other divorce situation. Good news for you. ALso, he is responsible financially for his kids.

Your boys are going to need you big time right now. Maybe focusing on them will help you get through this. My parents broke up when I was eleven. My mom was awesome, I think I only heard her speak badly about my dad once. And, over the years I have realized how hard that must have been, there must have been thousands of times she had to bite her tongue in front of me. I will always be greatful to her for how she handled such a stressful situation. It made it easier on us.

I hope that time heals your family. Hang in there. Fight for your kids and yourself.

Dear V.

OH, my heart is breaking for you!! You sound so heart broken and confussed!! But this is the time to concentrate and make sure you get a good attorney!! It's time to worry about your boys and yourself cause you wanna walk away with what you've invested and make sure you are taken care of in a fair way!! It sounds like this relationship has been over with for a while when you said all the arguments and disagreements!!

This is my third marriage, first was abusive, second was, I fell in love for the wrong reasons and the third was a charm..........I have been married now for 18 years with two beautiful children and I promise you it only gets better!! I know it's hard but dust yourself off, get up and take care of business before your ex takes advantage of your weak state!! I will pray for you and your family!! Good luck!!

nessa

I am sorry for what is happening to you and your kids.
You are in luck though. Ca. is a 50/50 state. Check with a lawyer though i am not sure how it works for a common law marriage. Many lawyers will give you a free consult. they will hear your case and tell you what your rights are.
I used legal aide when i got my divorce. they are very informative about what your rights are and they will help you according to your income with fees. (mine did anyway)
Good luck to you and your kids. I highly recomend counsling. It will benifit your kids in a big way.
Just love your kids and make sure they know that they are not the cause of the break up. Keep you mouth shut around them when it comes to their dad. You want them to feel loved and cherished by both of you.
Take care
B.

Hi,

You need to consult with a lawyer about your legal rights. If necessary, I'm sure there is a low cost legal aid place in your area. Then, get counseling. The worst prognosis for kids doing well in a "divorce" is parents fighting and caregiver depressed. Don't do that to them. Also, you need the help for yourself, no one should live with depression.

V.

You have to get through this for your kids first then yourself. I have to ask you, why would you continue to give yourself to this man all these years with no marriage? there's no security in that, why is the house in his and your
sisters name, that;s sounds odd to me. , but It doesn't sound like you have any legal rights to it but if he is leaving that may mean to will leave you the house. Maybe you and himcan still work this out, does he love the boys? does he seem to have a problem with leaving them? plea to him that you are all a family, ask him what it is that he no longer wants, but I wsould not stay in this relationship with out a comitment. J.

California is not a common law state, but still look into a lawyer and see what you can do. For now, please see this link and ask the very same question you asked here. You will get a qualified answer from a lawyer to steer you in the right direction. Good luck.

http://www.lawguru.com/cgi/bbs/mesg.cgi?l=CA&c=10-1

Your partner sounds smart, yet overwhelmed, and not sure where to turn to except surrender.

I agree with you that twelves years together is a huge investment to throw aside especially when communication styles are something you can definitely do something about.

If he is willing, ask that you might both read The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute and then discuss your options. This is a life changing book. It is a relationship compass if there ever was one.

You haven't reached a dead end, just a hurdle. I think your partner would agree with this. You guys can make it over it together. The Anatomy of Peace is exceptional. I hope you will give it a try.

Your most important duty is to the children. Your emotions come second.

Ask your boyfriend to attend counseling with you. If he doesn't, then you need to move on.

Be sure the boys know that he still loves them and that it is not their fault, but that you and their father cannot get along anymore and that it has nothing to do with the boys (even if you and the father argue about the boys).

You may need to check into free legal aid; you could be already married without a ceremony. This is called a "common law" marriage. Explain the house situation to the attorney. Maybe your sisters could buy out your boyfriend's interest in the property, so you and the boys can stay there.

Again, your first duty is to the stability for your children. They do not deserve a disrupted life, so it is up to you to find a way to make sure that they come through this okay.

If you live in Calif you are entitled to Palimony to help support your kids and yourself. Get yourself to an attorney, and quickly.

You might be entitled to 1/2 of everything he owns....including the house....even if California does not recognize common law marriages, per se....they might be handled the same way, but without needeing to get a legal divorce. You might want to contact 3 different attorneys involved with divorce in California and see what they say.

A common law marriage is one in which a heterosexual couple fulfills the requirements of a legal marriage without a license or ceremony. Common law is not as common as popular belief would have it, however. In order to have a common law marriage, a couple need more than just live together for a specified period of time . They must also identify themselves as a married couple (for example, by using the same last name, referring to one another as husband and wife, or filing a joint tax return) and intend to be married.

You need to contact an attorney immediately to find out your rights, teal estate situation, common law marriage, etc.
How sad that when the marraige commitment isn't made between couples, some find it so simple to walk away from it all.
No matter what, you must put your boys first. Don't cause a rift between with their father-they still need him. this is going to be a major event for them. Keep positive male family influences around. Can you talk to a counselor or pastor? Your heart will heal over time as terible as it is right now.
Do you know why this happened? Is there any way to save the relationship?

Sorry to say I don't think you have any right to your house unless your sister sells or gives you her part of ther house.

really concentrate of situating your life with your boys. Well if he takes the house really try to start looking to get things in order.

good luck I hope it all works out for you.

CA law states if you were legally married you get half of everything. However because you were not legally married that puts a new twist to things. The most you might get out of your split is child support. The property is not considered community property because you were not married to him at the time of purchase. If you can prove that it was bought with half your money and you pay half the mortgage and half the property taxes you may have a chance to claim it as well as himself. The house will need to be sold, however your sisters will have to take charge of that one. Perhaps they will give you their share minus the money they put into it. For now you have three young boys to worry about. If he is leaving for good, he has many years of child support for all three of them. Please do keep in mind that it is those children who will suffer the most and both of you need to be talking to them about what is going on. You need to work things out with their father for their sake. Please do seek counseling for them to help them better adjust to what is happening.

hi V,
your sisters own the house? or was it a typo? talk to legal aid/family law, they'll help you in regards to a 'move out motion' for Him. this way you can stay in the house with your sons and not out on the street. the court will consider such things as how you contributed to the family assets. if your partner leaves the house, that could be to your advantage, it could be viewed as abandonment. good luck.

Hello V, my heart truly goes out to you and your current and TEMPORARY situation. God will truly bring you through this if you seek Him first. But you might want to look into commonlaw marriage because I believe if you're together for 12 years that the state considers what they call "common law" marriage and you have the same rights as if you were legally married -- or something to that degree. Keep your head up, you must continue to move forward and upward for your boys, look to them for strength and to fill the void of possibly losing the love of your life. I wish you much luck my sister.

Apparently the father of your 3 sons feels it is best to end the arguments/disagreements, to give your sons a better life structure. It is very hard to let a person go, but in the best interest of yourself and children, he has made a good decision. Perhaps you both will get along better and this will make it a healthier enviroment for your children. Oh, why your sisters name, doesn't make sense to me, but you do have a right to the home as long as you have your children. But then again that depends on the state laws in which you live.

You really ought to know your rights as a mother. You probably have no rights to the house, unfortunately (though I'm not an attorney and don't know the whole story so couldn't even start to advise). You need to talk with an attorney and get at least a phone consult. I know of one of the best in the county...his name is Al Gross: http://www.askattorneyal.com/

He's helped countless folks with these types of problems. I strongly suggest getting on the phone and talking with him as soon as possible. At the very least, you'll learn what you need to do to prepare. The father of your children is required to pay child-support, regardless to whether you are married. So you need to start working on a plan asap!

Best of luck! Cheers, C.

I feel so sad for you. I am so sorry about your relationship with your boyfriend/husband. It will not only be hard for you but for the boys as well. I see that you are a full-time mom and there will be some adjusting now.

After seven years of living together the courts consider you to be "common law". Which means you have the same rights as somebody who is married. You should be entitled to half of everything, including the house.

I just pray that God would heal you and bring you an enormous amount of peace. I pray that you wouldn't find yourself in this situation again. That God would bring you a man that would marry you and love you all the days of your life.

Hi! I am sorry to hear about your situation. My only advice right now is to be strong for your children. Put them first. When my parents split they gave me too much information regarding the split. Let them stay children. Tell them what they need to know (Daddy and Mommy love them... not their fault, etc.) Try to even hide emotional phone conversations from them or lawyer talk.
I am so sorry for your broken heart and I know you will make it through it.

If you are a member of a local church seek godly counsel and support. If you are not member, find a local church that is supportive to single parents; be honest about your situation - you will be needing a lot of emotional support. You will be okay in time by the mercy and grace of God. You will need an attorney to explain your legal rights for child support, as well to find out if you have in legal interest in the home. Read "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson. Do not focus on the how much you love the man, but how much you love your children - do not become a desperate woman - do not chase after him - that is never effective. I will keep you in my prayers. You can now joy again.

Please try to get your boyfriend to go for counseling with you. Anything to keep the family together...it's the best thing for the children to have their parents together. My brother just got divorced. His wife just left and wouldn't go for counseling and the children suffer the most.

Good luck!

Good morning. If there is no chance to reconcile, then you need to protect yourself and your kids. Get an attorney. There are different 'rules' as to being common-law married, depending on your state, so talk to a family law attorney right away. Surround yourself with people who support you and your family. Get good, sound counseling. Get involved in church and mom groups, but only ones that will build you up without tearing down your ex. Don't discuss the relationship or your feelings with your children or badmouth their dad because they need to have that security, and not feel like they need to take sides.

You have rights, you were his common law wife. Hopefully your sisters will support you - either way you are legally entitled to half of his equity. If you did not work, he has to pay alimony + child support. Seek legal counsel. Good luck!

You need to get a good lawyer and maybe a therapist. Depending on the ages of your kids, they may need lawyer/advocate and therapist too.

Hi V. G.:
I'm sorry you are are having to go through this,but unfortunately its something that occurs quite often these days.I'm sure your aware now,thatyou and the father of your children,should have had counseling ,when the arguing and fighting began.This doesn't mean,however that it would have resolved things, or that the outcome would have been any different.I lived with a man for 22 years,without making a commitment.What I finally realized,was He was reaping all the benifits of a married man,such as having a woman to do his cooking,cleaning,raise his children,and sleep in his bed.While I was leaving myself vulnerable,and insecure.In the state of California,there is no such thing as A common-law wife.You have no rights,to anything with his name on it. You could get half the equity of the house,(if) your sister agrees to give you her share of the home.You certainly have the right to insist on (child support for those children).I don't intend for this to sound cruel,but his need to (Move on) after 12 years,would tell me, that he's involved with another woman.I think you'd agree,that its a tad to late for sitting in bed together and reading a book on how to save your relationship. I would request for the time being,that you stay at the home with the children,and he move into something temporary.This makes the most sense,as those childrens welfare comes first right now.You need to make some calls and seek a (free consultation) with an attorney.Ask him for advice,on what you need to do to make sure your children are provided for.This is always such a heart-breaking thing to go through.Not merely for you,but for the children as well. Stay strong,and remain a wonderful influence on your children.Allow yourself time to heal,and realize,that he is actually at the losing end here...Not You. You will get over this hurt,move on,and live a happy life watching your darlin children grow.He on the other hand,will live the remainder of his life with regrets.I wish you only the best.Keep your chin up. J.

If you live in the state of california there is a law that states if you live with somebody in a relantionship that is considered common law marriage. You need to check with an attorney on your rights, I would do this right away. At first its a shock of the relantionship break up, but as you said all the fights, not getting along has been a bit to much. You both have three kids, consider going to a counsler for the sake of the kids. If he won't go still go, for you. Do not wait on seeking an attorney, you need to make sure your kids are taking care of, with some sort of support. If you did not work some support for you . He made a decission, you heard him, Yes you have lots of rights..
By the way the house is in your sisters name ?? why not yours ? ( strange )

I do not know if you lived in the california area or not but if you do, and you can't afford a lawyer you can try free legal aide dept and they might be able to help you. remember that your kids come first so fight for what they need. Their is child support and also I believe that you have passed the living law. As a common law wife so you do have some rights. good luck and let me know who it works. ____@____.com

friend on line
D. k.

I am so sorry for what you are going through, but it will get better.

If you're in CA, this state does not recognize common law marriage. Unless a court recognizes your relationship as one, you have no right to his share of the house. As he is not the sole owner, the most one could get would be one half of his share.

The good news is CA has very aggressive child support laws and collection agencies. You need to contact Child Support Services asap and get started on this immediately. They can assist in getting support for your children and medical insurance for them. It can take 6-8 months from receipt of your application before your case is opened, plus time for the wage garnishment to start, so be prepared. It took me 19 months before the first check came in.

CA family law requires both parents to financially support the children. It's not clear, but if you are not working outside the home now, you need to work on a plan of how you intend to take care of your children as well as yourself. Not only because you will need to, but the court will be monitoring you if there is a custody dispute or your asking for support for yourself. You don't need an attorney to get child support ordered.

Try to resolve the child custody between the two of you. CA always looks at what's in the best interest of the children. So must you. Make sure the children maintain as similar a relationship with their dad as possible. Start a plan now on how and where you will maintain a home for you and your children or if there is a dispute, you could have a harder time preserving your desire for custody and visitation.

I was married and a stay-at-home mom for 19 years and the judge set my spousal support to $0. I mention this because not being married did not necessarily put you at a disadvantage. Spousal support is not as common as many people believe. The court expects everyone to provide their own income. Marriage does not guarantee financial support in case of divorce, like we think.

If you don't have money for any attorney, contact your legal aid society or women's shelter for info on your situation. Lawyers are extremely expensive. Many attorneys provide a free initial consultation so call and speak to at least 3 to get a variety of opinions on your situation. You can do all of this over the phone.

The bright side of your situation is not being legally married, you are not tied to any possible debt incurred by your man. If you were married, you would be equally responsible for full payment of any debt, whether or not you knew of it or had your name on it, including credit cards, mortgage and car loans or leases. If you do have any credit currently with your name on it, call and have your name removed immediately or close the accounts. It's important to preserve your credit.

Attorneys are extremely expensive. You may not need one so think carefully before signing for services. Get advice during the free interview or legal aid regarding your rights to remain in the house during this transition. You have no legal rights, it seems to the house so, unlike married couples, you can be ordered out. Make plans to live somewhere else. Even in divorce, if one party requests the house be sold, the court orders it-even if you have the money to buy the other person's share. The court will allow the money from the house sale to be used for attorney's cost, with attorney's holding the entire amount in escrow until your case is closed. This would not apply to you if you have no rights to this money.

Because you weren't married, legally speaking, this should not require much or any expense. Divorce can be extremely expensive and take years, so consider this a good thing in your situation. Divorce fees can easily be $20,000, mine was $100,000 so you will not be faced with this or months(or years) in and out of court.

Also, get counseling for you and your children. Most areas have this for free if you can't afford it. This is a stressful time and your kids need you moving forward and positive. Counselors have wonderful advice and really make a difference.

Although you are in a difficult situation, you are not alone. In some areas it is a benefit not to have been married. Your situation can be resolved relatively quickly. Just get started on this and you will feel better taking control. I wish you well.

Get a lawyer pronto! You may not have gotten married but after 12 years together you have a "common law" marriage and many of the rights that come with it. A lawyer may help you keep the house even though it isn't in your name if you can prove that it was purchased for your family and that you have contributed to the household (a full-time mom still counts).

First off I am so sorry you are going thru this, it is sad and difficult but no matter how you feel now someday you will get over it and move on to BIGGER and better things. Unfortunetly CA is not a comman law state but we do have some of the toughest community property laws in the country. If you can affrod an attorney get one if not you can get all the free legal help you need at your local courthous or county clerks office. Just to make you feel a little better judges almost always side with the woman especially when children are involved. GOOD LUCK!

I am saddened for what you are going through. I am not sure what your rights are because you are not married, but I would suspect they are limited. The best thing you could do is to find an attorney that specializes in child custody and maybe ask your significant other if he is willing to go to counseling on a temporary basis to be able to address how to deal with separation/adjustment of the children to this process. Best of luck in your situation.

You need to get a lawyer a.s.a.p. You need to protect yourself and your children. What about child support? And alamoni? Regardless if your married or not i'm pretty sure you qualify. Obviously he's over it, he probably feels like he can just walk away clean no strings and you as a mother will carry the burden to clean up after him. Seek legal help soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WOW, I am in almost exactly the same boat right now. I am so sorry. I have been married for 12 years & together for a little over 14 and I just got served divorce papers on Wed., so I feel your pain. I have two daughters with him 7 & 10 & one from a previous marriage that is 16.
I really don't know if I can give you advice, but there used to be a common marriage law that if you live with someone for a certain number of years you are legally married. I am not sure if this law is still in effect, but I would be doing some research. You for sure can get child support from him which for 3 kids is 29% of his gross income. I am totally devistated as well, so I know exactly what you are feeling. I have been reading a lot of self help books that have been helping me tremendiously and making me strong. Mine are on marriage, but I am sure there are some on relationships in general. My best friend & my mom have been my life savers, so if you have those, pour your heart out to them, they will be there for you & give you the support you need. I love my husband more then anything & I am trying to still hang on to him. Even though I need to get an attorney to fight him, I still want to reconcile. I know it's hard, but you need to fight for what you want & be strong. I will give you my email if you want someone else to talk to. Seeing as we have similar situations. ____@____.com Good Luck, A.

Hello, they call me Big Moma and I think your first mistake was letting him shack up with you for so long,I think you gave him permission after so long. Us as women can do that! How old is he? Did you guys argue and disagree alot or just some of the time? You said this is the man YOU TRULY Love, but does he truly love you? Deep down in your soul do you believe he Truly Loves You? Now that's a question you really need to ask yourself! We as women tend to not believe what we should and our gut feelings. I know it's easy to say, but you can't get depressed! Remember you have 3boy's to take care of and they will suffer from your depression as well, everyone around you will. So you must stay strong for them (the boys)you have to pray about this situation because this might not be the man or husband that God has for you! Sometimes we fall in Love with the wrong guy and then we establish this long relationship and then birth children for them, but yet in still that might not be God's plan for you. (He could just be the man who fathered your beautiful boy's!) And don't you once think his emotions are all good, cause you just can't be with someone for so long and just be able to turn off your emotions overnite, in other words he just can't turn that switch off overnite! So you must pray and ask God to give you the strength to pull through this, for your kids sake! You can e-mail me anytime!

Sorry to hear of you pain. Call a good attorney.

Hi, Sorry to hear of your situation. I see you have gotten alot of advice so far. I was in a similar situation but we didnt have kids together. Legally I had no rights to the house because we were not married and California does not recognize common law. The good thing is your sister is on the deed and therefore she is entitled..I would work it out to buy him out, especially since you have the kids so this way their lives are not distrupted. Hopefully he feels the same way..I would definately pursue to get child support to help you out.
Men want what they cant have and sometimes they get bored and the grass looks greener..Its the 80/20 rule..Start taking care of yourself, give him space, think back in the beginning how things were and make him want you again. You can make him feel needed and wanted without being clingy..I like alot of the suggestions Cai gave except the ones the guys wanted like a 3some..not my thing or a good thing for many marriages in my opinion..Im not sure what your dissagreements are about but I find that most issues are because there is a lack of communication and no one is willing to give in a little to please the other person..Love is strong and you have 3 beautiful kids together. Anything is possible and if its meant to be it will. Good luck..Di
www.dalex.myarbonne.com

There really isn't anything anyone can say to make this easier, but you will get through it. As far as I know w/ re: to the house as long as you have been together for more than 7 years u are common law married and you are entitled to support as well as assets. You need to consult with an attorney.. there is also a place called We the People who help people with legal advise for a good price.

I just wanted to wish you good luck. If he's decided to leave, you need to get yourself together and plan how you and your boys are going to survive and thrive without him. It will require a lot of hard work but you can do it. Seek the advice of a lawyer about your house as you may be able to settle out of court to mutually sell the home and split the sale w. him. Take care of yourself.