Son Says "Im a Girl"

Let him be himself. Maybe he'll grow out of it and maybe he won't. There are thousands of transgendered people who live perfectly normal lives with the support of those around them.

I wouldn't worry about it. My son says he's a girl sometimes and when I say silly you're a boy, he says but mama's a girl. Playing dress up is exactly that playing. When I was teaching many of the boys played girl things as did the girls play boy things. It doesn't mean they're not comfortable in their own bodies. I grew up with all boys and played a lot more boy things. So, don't worry about it. If you're still concerned I would look into some of James Dobson's books on raising boys.

I have to say I totally disagree with the transgendered thing- I think people jump to that these days when its a pretty normal phase for kids. You mention when he's at your sisters- does he have girl cousins?? If so it may be that he just wants to fit in with them. My cousin has a 4 year old and he's a police officer- he wears his police uniform every day after school, he'll arrest you if you come in their house, and even calls his parents by their first names because hes a grown up police man not a kid... my point its probably no different than that, espically if he hangs out with girls, most boys will play house or barbies or dress up if they have friends that are girls. The same as girls will play with GI Joes. I'd keep ignoring it- maybe not use the word boy or girl- He'll most likely move on. Good luck!

You have had a few good responses especially from Elizabeth. I would like to add--what is this girl vs boy stuff? It is 2008--I thought by now we should be past those stereotypes! I was the oldest of 5 kids--me, followed by 3 sisters then our brother was born--raised during 50's/60's. We lived on a farm so often had no one to play with but eachother--so my brother tagged along for all the fort building, playing in the creek, riding the pony, collecting rocks, climbing trees(all the tomboy type stuff) as well as playing with dolls and dress up. Thankfully my parents had no hang ups about this type of stuff. When my Grandma was upset about brother playing with dolls--my Mom just said well he is likely to be a Dad someday isn't he? I have never liked "girly" stuff-- make-up, nail polish, heels etc--but I am totally heterosexual and my brother who is a great Dad, fantastic cook and cleans house is a very "manly"type of guy--and is very much heterosexual! So my advice is to first give up the stereotypes and just allow your little boy to be who he is. 4 yrs old is way too young to be concerned and if he is gay or transgendered it has nothing to do with how you raised him-- and the best thing to do is to just love him for who he is! For those who say being gay is a learned behavior--it is like saying I am going to beleive that the earth is flat, I don't care what science says I just won't change my mind! I would not allow my kids to take clothes out of my closet though! Maybe you could go to the thrift store and let him pick out some fun stuff of all kinds for him to play dress up.AS another mom said I suppose you could get him a Scottish kilt if he really wants to wear skirts!
I would like to add one idea I have not seen mentioned--reincarnation. Many if not most of the people of the world beleive in some type of reincarnation--and many believe that we have all been different in each life to experience all ways of being. You might say to him--well you may have been a girl before in another time--but this time you chose to come to me in a boy body so you might want to start getting used to it!

I have to admit that I didn't get any farther than the last post, but I have to say that to believe homosexuality is caused by nurture rather than nature is just absurd. Also, to leap to the conclusion that because your son wants to play dress up, he will be gay, is also absurd. There are lots of things that could be going on here.

My son, as well as my friends' sons, all love to play with our jewelry, headbands, etc. My friend's son, who has two sisters, likes to have his fingernails painted just like the rest of them. I think that at this age, it is typical to do what everyone else is doing, i.e. if he sees you do it, he wants to do it, too. It bugs my husband that our son will only pee sitting down, but I potty trained him and I sit, so what am I supposed to do.

However, if your son is ultimately happier being a "girl", then I wish him all the happiness in the world. If it is a behavioral issue, I recommend that you seek family counseling - not to get him over the phase if it is indeed not a phase, but to give your family coping skills to deal with alternatives you might not have planned for when you had kids.

All in all, you son is 4. And despite the fact that at this age, gender roles should be pretty concrete, he's still a little boy. He has a lot of life to experience and a lot of growing up to do before he can figure out who he is and what makes him happy. As his mom, I think it's your job to help him be happy. Follow his lead and love him no matter what.

By the way, have you asked him why he says he's a girl? I'd be really interested to talk to him and see what motivates him. It could give you a lot of insight into your son, which is so important. Good luck to you and your family!

These is a good section about this in the child care book by Dr. James Dobson and Paul C. Reisser, MD . I think it's called The Complete Guide to Baby and Child Care. It's related to Gender Identity and how to foster healthy identity. (not the whole book, but a section of it). Because what you don't want to do is make a big deal of it and squash his self esteem.
Maybe see if you can find it in the library or go to the bookstore and read the section there (if you don't want to buy the whole book).

Is there a positive male role model in his life? If not, maybe having him around an Uncle, his Grandfather, etc on routinely scheduled visits may help. He's a bit young for Big Brothers, Big Sisters (they accept as young as six), but you could also go that route when he is old enough.

Good luck!

He might actually be trans-gendered. Basically something in his basic programing might not have fully changed to "male" in the womb, causing him to "feel" female when his outward appearance is male.

My personal experience is from having a very close friend go through the physical changes to become female after having been born male. He never felt comfortable in his male body, it was alien and really repulsive to him. His family wasn't very supportive and it lead him into some very dangerous behavior and deep depression before he was 18 and legally allowed to take the steps needed to change. At first I was weirded out when I found out "he" would one day be a "she", but as time passed I realized that who my friend was at the core was the person I really cared about and that his gender was just an outside package and not really who he was.

At such a young age it's hard to tell if it is a phase or if it is that he is trans-gendered. I wouldn't out right encourage the gender reversal but I wouldn't punish him for it either. Perhaps put a time limit on his "dress-up", like for an hour he can dress up but then he has to be in boy clothes after that. Punishing him and making him feel bad for something he can't really control will likely damage him as he matures. It can be hard to accept if he is truly trans-gendered, but I think in the long run if you can try and love him no matter what it won't really matter.

Good luck to you.

N.,
I don't know what I can tell you except that I hope
you can get it straightened out.

K.

I agree with the moms who suggest not to worry. My daughter is 3.5 and in daycare. It's not unusual for me to walk in at the end of the day to get her and find the 3 and 4-year-old boys in her class in a cheerleading outfit or dress. I think all kids that age like to play dress up. It's not unusual to see the girls playing with "boy" toys, either. I read in one of my parenting magazines (sorry I can't remember which one) that children this age are just beginning to understand the difference between boys and girls. Often when they play dress up it's more to be like the adults than a specific gender role (like boys may think they're an "adult" instead of "mom" when they wear high heels).

Another thought is to play along with him when he says he's a girl. My daughter says she's Hannah Montana and I say, "You are?!" and we get a laugh out of it. Maybe it will help him to know you're playing with him.

Be patient and loving and I'm sure it will all work out. Good luck.

Hi N., I do have experience with this situation. My grandson dated a couple girls in high school but always seemed miserable. While we were on a vacation he called to say he 'is coming out of the closet'. I didn't believe him at first. When he was more or less kicked out of the church which he had been going to and baptised and worked so hard for about 14 years I felt so bad for him. He was treated so badly even by some of the family. I look back and remember how he loved doing more female things. His dad told him if he ever found out that he is gay he would disown him, and he pretty much tolorates him but not like a dad should. Well to make a long story short we have accepted him for who he is and love him the same as when we thought of him as being male. He does not dress feminine but lives in a small town and looked down upon for his being gay. I have an answer for you, don't worry let him be himself and love him unconditionally if it is a phase he will out grow it, if not help him to be happy. Good luck

No experience, but my advice would be to just roll with it. He obviously knows what he likes and what he wants. Just let him be.
A gender identity issue is not the end of the world. :)

I come from a family who, if they know something bothers you, they'll pound it into the ground nearly to China because it's fun for them knowing it's so bothersome to you. They do it because there's a pay-off...somewhere, somehow, he'll get a look, or notice someone's body language change when he says that and think it's funny.

Kids that age LOVE to play dress up. I have a 2 year old and a 5 year old, and they both love to play dress up...my 2 year old LOVE shoes! She's our own little Imelda Marcos!

Since ignoring it doesn't seem to be working, how about going the opposite route: Try just laughing it off, and saying, "Okay, let's see what dresses would look good on you today" and let him play dress up. "How about a hat? Wouldn't that be just lovely?! Oh and don't forget your pocket-book, Dahling!" Then if it is a phase, you'll just be helping it run its course, it will cease to be fun for him, and (hopefully) voila, it'll be over.

For what it's worth...and good luck!

Sounds like your son is very smart. He knows how to get a reaction from people just by saying this little phrase. Quit reacting. Your pediatrician knows what he is talking about.

I think this is normal for that age. One of my boys used to love to watch me put on makeup, and wish that he could wear it too. He used to ask me (while I was painting my nails) "Why are girls the only ones who get to have pretty nails?" And they used to love to wear my high heels and shoes around the house. His favorite color was pink, and he LOVED My Little Ponies and Littlest Pet Shop. One year for Christmas (when he was 5) he really wanted the My Little Pony Castle. And I totally bought it for him... I figured that buying him a pink My Little Pony Castle when he was 5 wasn't going to determine if he was going to be gay or not lol.

Don't worry, he'll grow out of it.... if nothing else when he goes to school and doesn't want to be girlie in front of the other boys. =)

Listen to Marie and get Bringing up Boys. I completely believe that homosexuality is caused mainly by the child's upbringing. For instance, if a father is not in the picture and the son is mainly around mom and sisters, without seeing examples of "being a man". I believe that this can cause confusion. It's not totally natural for boys to know what "being a man" is. Especially if all they see is what mommy does. Read the book, it gives examples of ways you can help your son learn about being a boy. Before I get a flood of emails stating how ridiculous my thoughts are on this, let me say that no matter what, noone can make me believe differently, and also that God states very clearly what his thoughts are on homosexuality. Homosexuality is not something a child is "born" being. It is learned through experiences. I'm not saying it's the parents' fault, but I am saying that there are things the parents can do to deter it while they're young. So, if my son were saying things like "I'm a girl" I would totally be freaking out. If the doctor says that physically there is nothing going on, which I would demand testing of some sort to determine the sex, surely there's something they can test, but if everything's normal, then I would put an absolute stop to this talk. I would say "That's enough, you are NOT a girl, you are a boy, and I don't want to hear you talk like that anymore." Then, I'd make sure that during the day you are playing boy stuff with them a lot, taking them to parks and letting them run around, wrestling on the floor a lot with them. I'd make sure that as their mommy, even though I'm a girl, I'm playing the part of boy buddy to them. I know you said he plays boy stuff, so concentrate on taking him to boys' activities where he can see what other boys do, and DEFINITELY put a stop to him saying that. He's going to start making your 2 year old confused too if it continues.

watch the movie "ma vie en rose". it's french, with english subtitles, and the premise of the movie is exactly this topic! it's a great movie.

Hi, N.,

My nine year old son is such a typical "boy" when it comes to girls - saying he doesn't like them, but chasing them at recess, getting embarrassed when I suggest one of his female friends "likes" him; giggling as he tells me how one of his classmates has a "total crush" on him, and he thinks he'll have to marry her....etc.

It's such a fun stage to watch, and I really didn't know if I'd ever see it, considering he was a "girl" from age 3-5. And when he didn't flat out say he WAS a girl, he would say he WISHED he were a girl. He wanted to wear make-up. He wanted long hair. He wanted to wear skirts. sigh

I just went with it, and didn't show any real emotion. I just said he could have long hair when he got older and could care for it himself, and men wear make-up, too, but nothing noticeable, unless they're actors, and our culture does not well tolerate boys in skirts, so he'll either have to move to Scotland or adjust to wearing pants. He pretty much accepted my answers and would talk about when he was older he would do those things, then gradually he stopped talking about even that. And, now, if I sometimes make a joke about how would he like to be a girl, he's horrified!

So, I guess my point is, it's probably a stage. And one which most boys go through. Yes, it may last longer than other boys (my son's sure did!) but talk about it calmly, if you feel the need to talk about it at all.

Blessings, J.

It may or may not be a phase. He may have the body of a boy but the mind of a girl. It is no big deal he is your son and regardless you should always love and protect him.No one understands it completely. He may out grow it but I wouldn't hold my breath. Let him be him.

At around the same age 3/4 my husbands niece use to say she was a big boy. She is now 7 & that phase has passed. I'm sure it will for him too.

I think he's too little to tell if he's transgender, so I wouldn't really consider that. He's little and likes to play dress up and pretend. My sister always used to say she was a boy when she was little and we both liked playing with boy things like trucks and He-Man toys. In her view, boys got to do more fun things and had better toys. She eventually grew out of this though. This might be how your son is feeling (he just likes girl things right now or thinks girls have neat and pretty things to play with). Have you gone over gender differences with him yet? Maybe ask him in a non-judgmental way "why do you say you're girl?" He may have a really simple answer for you.

Hi there. I didn't have a boy who said he was a girl. I had a girl who always pretended to be a boy. she called herself Joe. She was more of a tom-boy certainly not a girly girl. I also had boys who wanted to wear my make up, play in the kitchen (toy kitchen) I guess that I didn't worry about it. It was a phase and it passed. I think the boys doing girl things are more stressed about than girls wanting to play with boys things. The boys have an extra special love for their mama's and really want to be with them. It is a pity that in this day and age, we stress about everything, instead of enjoy each phase of childhood. I do the same thing. I am sure that your son will be fine. I have had some struggles and my doctor told me that the bigger deal I made of my situation with my son, the bigger deal it would become. I hope that this helps you.

I am a SAHM of 4, 2 boys and 2 girls. 18 yrs, 14 yrs, 8 yrs and 2 yrs.

No worries.... honestly. I can see how this could be worrisome and how you worry about his sexuality and future. This is very normal, if you keep him away from the " girl" things, than this will attract him to it all the more. Instead give him a wide variety of things to play with and don't specify boy or girl stuff. I would let him pretend to be a girl if he wants, the same way my 4 year old pretends to be a puppy all day long. I was a preschool teacher for 15 years and all the boys loved the dress up, cooking and mothering.

Your child is at the age when one determines his/her gender identity. Let your child figure it out and accept your child whether your child is a boy or a girl. Your child just needs time and love.

I would recommend James Dobson's book "Bringing Up Boys". It addresses a lot of issues boys deal with in today's world. We checked it out at our local library. Hopefully you could do the same...

DO NOT make a big deal about this to your son. If you do it will make his gender identity even harder. My son is 4 and he is also very interested in gender differences. When I was that age I used to be very very convinced that I was black when I was a baby. I don't know where that came from (maybe because I was in foster care?). Anyway, get him old Halloween costumes he can play dress up too. He just wants to make believe. My son wants to put on makeup because mama dos and I told him that mama wears makeup but Daddy and Jesse don't. Chloe doesn't either right now. He just wants to be like us. Find other ways to let him explore his imagination. Like the Children's Museum in Cleveland (or something along those lines).

i wonder if you have gently explained that the only thing different about a boy and a girl are the "pee parts". show him a picture book (or use your's and husbands bodys if comfortable) to easily show him the difference, and ;let him know that there are no such things as "boy things to play" or girls things to do....perhaps he is a lovely example of the new generation that is just a little less stuck in the old paradigms of role playing. he is a boy strictly because of his body, but that does not have to limit him to what he enjoys in this life.

Womens dresses and fabrics are soft and fun to dress up in...perhaps create a dress up box for him with a wide variety of things from capes, to boots to cloaks(not to different from a mommy dress really) and let him explore safely and without subtle judgement or feeling something is not right.