Son Recently Diagnosed with ADHD, Possible ODD, Anxiety and Sensory Disorder

Hi! I can feel you have a heavy burden on your heart!

I have 4 boys and 1 girl. My husband is medicated for ADD. My oldest was diagnosed 7 years ago with ADD. We can already tell our 4 yr old has it. Our 12 yr old doesn't have it, but he has bad anxiety and a little OCD.

I feel I have ADD by association! I tell my husband quite often that I need therapy for dealing with this. My husband at least recognizes that he needs medication and tries very hard to please. After having our first son, I now realize that my husband doesn't do these things on purpose to upset me. He really does try to listen and remember what we talk about. I can tell when he's trying to listen but he's not hearing me. He can't help it. His mind is bouncing in so many directions. What really upsets me is when we have a serious conversation about finances or the kids and then several days later he can't remember that conversation.
This is the same with our oldest child. He's 15 now and in high school. He's very bright and that's the only reason he's doing as well as he is in school. He also has dyslexia and straubismis. He's very polite and that is why his teachers deal with him and give him so many chances. I homeschooled him until 7th grade. We tried 4 different meds and he just doesn't do well on meds. When he started school he wouldn't let me tell the teachers about his vision problems or the ADD. He doesn't want to stand out. So...it's very frustrating for me to watch him struggle. He wholeheartedly wants to do well. (of course, he's a typical teen too). :)
With this comes a wonderful free spirit, creative side as well. I love this part of him! So, in school he does really well in the arts catagory. He would do better in science and math if there were no written work! :) Ha Ha.
His teachers always tell me how smart he is, but he always forgets to hand in his assignments. A constant battle. He will tell me he did he assign. and think he deserves some credit just for doing it, even though the teacher never saw it! LOL! URRRGGGG! frustrating!
I would like to give you something to think about. Is it possible that your husband feels that even if he tries to do better that he will still fail, so why try at all???? Do you validate him when he really does try? Do you notice things that he does for you, even small things? Even having a job that supports your family would be a start. I get onto my husband a lot and he gets really frustrated. This is the same with my teenager. I've learned to back off and be okay with things. Sometimes I do explode! I'm not perfect either. I wish I had it in me to try as hard as my husband. He thinks I walk on water.

Also, you might consider homeschooling your son for a few years. He will likely get labeled in school. Maybe the meds will help stop this. I really wish you the best of luck! I know it's frustrating!

My son (6-1/2) was also diagnosed w/adhd this past year, and in the process of educating myself about it, my mom and I have realized that a) I had the inattentive version when I was young (which I have mostly grown out of/learned coping skills for) and b) my dad has undiagnosed adhd. My mom is struggling with how to work through this (how to talk to my dad about it without making him defensive) and has found this to be a useful resource:

http://www.adhdmarriage.com/

I also strongly recommend this movie:

http://totallyadd.com/totallyadd-loving-it-trailer/

The "host" of the movie was diagnosed w/adhd over the course of the filming and, after the film, went on meds with great success. (The last fact I learned while watching this movie during a PBS pledge drive, when they had him on to talk to the pledge hosts.) It's funny and easy to watch and has a ton of great info. The site itself also has a lot of great resources.

It sounds like your husband is having a hard time accepting and understanding his diagnosis - which is understandable: here I am, a functioning adult (married, kids, job) and now somebody tells me I have a disabling condition? Whatever, I'm fine. It's never been a problem before, why is it suddenly a problem now? The answer is, it has always been a problem, for which he has surely already developed some great coping skills. Hooray for that! But there are some other areas where his brain chemistry deeply affects the people he loves, and that's not OK. It also sounds like maybe the particular marriage counselor you're working with is maybe not the right match. If your husband is unable to accept the "homework" from this counselor, then you're not going to get anywhere. Nothing against this particular counselor, I'm sure s/he is totally competent, but therapy chemistry is really important - you have to find a person who both you and your husband feel connected to.

Your husband is probably also afraid that medication will somehow change who he is or how he feels. (Unfortunately, your son's transformation - while fantastic, and I totally saw a similar transformation in my son - probably did not reassure your husband that what is most essentially "him" wouldn't be deadened by meds.) I wish that PBS pledge drive clip of the guy from the movie were IN the movie - he talked about how surprised he was by medication, how he had worried it would rob him of his creativity and spark, and how the opposite had happened: now that he could focus better, he was more creative than ever.

One more word about meds - my son's doctor made a really great analogy about ADHD meds. ADHD meds are like wearing glasses. Can you live without glasses? Sure. But you bump into a lot of stuff, it makes it hard to see the blackboard and street signs, you trip and fall a lot, and other people have to find things for you all the time. So why not just wear your glasses?

Also check out your local chapter of CHADD http://www.chadd.org/
(Children and Adults with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.) They can be a great resource for connecting you and your husband with local people who are working through some of the same experiences.

Best of luck to you - I hope your husband can find a way to accept his diagnosis, see the ways that it affects his relationships and life (for better and for worse), and finds a way towards a more healthy attitude towards his own brain chemistry and towards you.

Your son sounds like my nephew, minus the sensory issues. My sister tried long and hard to help his problems without medication, but it did absolutely nothing. If it's really adhd (referring to your husband now), it's a serious problem and it needs to be taken care of. That he doesn't take your concerns about the boys' behavior from his modeling is a reflection of the adhd, I think. My sister's husband has it as well, but it has mellowed as he has gotten older but everyone in his family has had these issues, adhd and odd. I really think that there are some cases that just flat out need medication and maybe your husband is one of those. Has it been recommended he even take a mild dose of medication to manage it? Once his mind settles down the counseling may go farther. Just a thought. . . my thoughts go out to you, as I know these issues drive my sister crazy often. Good luck and good for you doing everything you can for your family!

The next time your husband "blames" his behavior on ADHD remind him that he is in denial. Either he accepts his condition or not. Cant use it for an excuse if he denies it!!!! I wish you luck

Seek out others who have children like your little one. Perhaps your Ped, counselor or school can give you the name of a support group or playgroup in your area. I have a special needs son, and there is a group of us that met once a month, informally, at a coffee shop on a Friday, and we would all share ideas in things we are doing at home, programs that we heard about, opinions on therapists, ideas for IEP meetings, etc. It was tons more valuable hearing it from people with experience than reading it in a book.
One mom just took the initiative to send out an email - "We are meeting at Panera on Friday 2/18 - hope you can make it" - sometimes there were 2 of us, sometimes there were 10.
Best of luck to you and your little one.