My 3 1/2-year-old son, over the past couple weeks, has frequently been telling me, my husband, his sitter, & grandma that he doesn't love us. He mostly says it to me. He'll even tell other people that he doesn't love me. It doesn't occur when he seems to be angry or when I've told him he can't have something he wants. He'll just randomly walk up to me and say, "I don't love you." We all respond by saying something like, "Well, I love you very much, and I always will."
I figured this is somewhat normal, although I thought it would have decreased by now. He'll say it as many as 10-20 times a day. Interestingly, for the previous several months, he was always walking up to me saying, "I love you, Mommy." Now he's switched to "I don't love you."
Other things going on in our lives (not sure if related): I had to travel for work for a few days right around the time this behavior started. I could understand that he might be upset with me or even a little concerned, since I'm almost never gone overnight, but he's telling his Dad and other people that he doesn't love them too, and they never left. Also, apparently he told a teacher at preschool last week that he loved a girl in his class. Maybe he spoke to this girl, and she told him that she didn't love him?? Maybe he's just testing us? Anyone with any thoughts, or advice about how we should handle this? THanks!
TOTALLY NORMAL. I think you are responding perfectly.. I also used to use, "well I love you enough for both of us... ". Keep it up, keep calm, and this too shall pass!
I would ask him why. I would use a curiosity type tone of voice to show him I was interested in his feelings. I would not use a sad or accusatory tone of voice. I would not want him to think he was wrong, nor would I want him to feel guilt. Just a nice simple "Why?"
My classic response was "I still love you even when you don't love me."
He's testing you. Just keep reassuring him. He'll get over it.
"That really hurts my feelings and makes me sad."
"It is not a nice thing to say to your family."
"Why do you say that?"
I like Andra's response and I would also find out what it means when he says he DOES love you.
Ask him what he thinks love is. Then help him define it.
To me, love is a verb. It's something you DO. not something you feel, or have, or take away, or give. It's a set of respectful behaviors when you take into consideration the other person's feelings in regards to your behaviors and choices.
He's saying this because he has learned that is his life "Love" has power associated with it in some way. But at 3 1/2 he's not mature enough to understand.
At 3 1/2 love is an emotion. or a weapon, depending on what he's seen.
Find out what it means to him both ways - when you love someone and when you don't love someone.
It may be a test, something along the lines of a toddler science project. He has been listening to "I love you" all his life, and now he's trying that and its opposite out on people and seeing what happens.
Don't take it personally. If it were me and my toddler said, "I don't love you," I'd turn upon him and say, "Well, I love you so much I could EAT YOU UP!" - and then grab him and do some hugging and tickling.
I'd just say "That's not a nice thing to say. Don't say things like that." Then let it go and move on cheerfully. My kids will go through a stage like that or similar and I'll just let them know that it's not a nice thing to say, and they stop saying it.
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So every time he says it the other person says they love him very much. I would say he wants people to say they love him, nothing more. Of course if you keep giving him what he wants he will keep doing it until he outgrows it.
The other thing is he may feel love is what he feels for friends, like the girl in school, and is just not aware that there are different types of love. So all he is saying is you are not a friend in the peer sense.
My son went through "you hate me" phase for a while..my sister although had the same situation as you with her youngest, who is 8 now. With seeing and being on the receiving end of it as well, I know it hurts to hear. But in my opinion, and I am no professional by any means in these matters, but I honestly think that they have no understanding of what they're saying. They really don't understand what LOVE means, they feel your love and sense it and know you tell them that you love them, but they don't really understand what it means. Kids take words and mess 'em around so much, and you never know what you're going to hear next. My brothers son, just turned 4, smartest thing ever, too smart, he's been going around calling everyone a freak, and every other word is freak this and freak that, and also, and I have no idea where he got this from, I'm sure a movie or show, but no matter what you say to him or what you're talking about, just to look at him and say whatchya doin, or eat your food he'll look at you and say "how dumb do you think I am?" uhh...what?! lol he's a goofy thing. I hope things get easier and better, try not to make a huge deal about what you're son is saying, b/c you know the more attention they get for something, uh huh. Just maybe make a cute face and tell him he's so silly, ofcoarse you love him and then tickle him or pick him up and whiz him through the air so not to keep attention on it for too long. Have a Merry Christmas!
My nephew uses that as a game with his dad. He is six. Dad and dads aunt think its cute and they tickle him and play until he says "ok, ok, I love you!" His mom, on the otherhand, thinks it is hurtful and mean, and I agree. He does NOT play the I don't love you game at moms house.
I think its best to nip it in the bud now. Let him know it hurts your feelings, and it is not a nice thing to say. If it continues much longer, get stern, use appropriate consequences. It is not nice to say mean, hurtful, untrue things to your family members, amd now you won't have your favorite toy for two hours. Or you may not watch tv for two hours. You may not read a story before bed.
Andrea has it RIGHT! You go girl!
Blessings.....
Yes, he is probably testing you to see if he can get a rise out of you. I would probably alternate between saying "ok" "that's fine. I love you" and "why?"
He will go back to I love you soon.
I definitely like Audra's response. Ask why? and see what he says.
