Son Entering That "Pre-teen" Hardship Time

This seems to be somewhat particular to boys, and especially teen boys. See this NY Times article: http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/01/education/01boys.html?_...

I don't have a lot of advice, but a good book is "Wonder of Boys"...
this is the age where he might be acting out to feel out his independence and maybe acting out cause Dad is not around.

Hello J.,

I would love to say that I can give you the best advice on this situation but the truth is I don't think anybody can. I have a 12 year old daughter who is doing the exact thing you described your son as doing. I have done everything from coming up with a plan with the teachers to maybe help her get on track all the way to meeting with a psycologist to see if there is a mental issue that is causing her to have setbacks. I have tried punishment for being dishonest about her homework and grades, to positive reinforcement and giving her goals to achive. The truth as far as I can see it is that children this age start to develop or I won't say develop but start to become aware that they can make different choices other than the one that have been given them. They automatically it seems test these new found boundries and often times cross them. The light at the end of the tunnel is that it almost always passes and they end up doing much better on thier own. Alot of this I believe is because they finally choose to do better. At this point in his life he is going to begin to make his own choices. The hardest but best thing to do in this case is to let them make these mistakes as they will learn better than if you just tell them. Trust what you have taught your son up to this point, continue to give him consequences for his actions that are not positive and pretty soon he will begin to realize that you have to "put in" to "get out". The worst thing you can do is allow it to cause you undo stress (like I did) and I promise you that "you can't fix this for him"...he will have to get on the right track himself. It's all about his choices, the only thing we can do as parents is make sure we don't provide them too many roads to travel down...we can't bargain with them..nobody will do that for them when they become adults. Make sure you remind him that it's his future and he is not building a very promising one, remind him that you love him, but tell him you will not excuse his behavior or lack of effort. Let him know that it is his choice on how he behaves in school and how much effort he puts into it, but there will be consequences if he does not make the right choice...not only with you but in his own life. He will not be able to get a job as an adult with that work ethic, so he needs to set his standards now as a young man. Let him know that choices today don't only affect tomorrow but can affect his life for a long time to come. But don't let him see you stressed about it, as that reassures him that you are going to work to fix this for him. Let him fix it with your guidance, but the key is to let him "think" he is fixing it for himself...at that point he will become empowered with what he is able to do, and maybe (with hope and prayer)that will make him do well on his own simply because he "wants to". I hope this helps in some way, as I am still trying to follow this myself. Good luck to you and in your weak moments remember "this too shall pass"...

I recommend this often because I really think it's an important book. Check out "Boys Adrift" by Dr. Leonard Sax. It's really opened my eyes. The companion book "Why Gender Matters" is also very interesting.

Though my children are much younger, I have dealt with my extended family heading down this road. I'd say its time to up expectations, responsibilities, and consequences. He probably doesn't have enough of the above to keep him motivated.

I do believe, just like clothing, kids can outgrow the structure and repetitiveness of simple tasks around the house, and just being expected to "do well" in school, and may be need something more value building and personally challenging to help them acquire life skills and a sense of responsibility and accountablity.

While household chores are important in helping develop lifeskills, they do not teach the child about real-life experiences. Do well in school means nothing to a child who has no real concept of how this will years down the road benefit them, and their quality of life. If life is too status quo at home, and there isn't enough emphasis on life's realities at this early stage, they are not going to learn the realities of life, and that everyone has only chance to make it right. Right now, most kids are fortunate enough to be in a living situation at home where they just can't imagine that failure to do well in school could mean they won't get into a good college, and then won't find a good job, and therefore will not make money, so they can own a house and car. You need to find ways to drive this point home, or expect to be the parent of what the media calls a "boomerang" kid- a 30 year old still at home with parents.

Maybe now is the time to encourage to do volunteer work, or even get involved in a summer team building skills program for kids. When he's old enough he should get a job. Any sort of activity that will pull him away from the teen tendency to focus on self, and selfish endeavors.

It seems kids today are so focused on relationships, clothes, electronics, and fitting in, that it becomes too much of a distraction at school. I've seen kids get so wrapped up in "enjoying" being young, and the parents letting it go to far, to the point where the kids wasting or coasting through their high school years only to wind up graduating emotionally unprepared for post-secondary education and life.

At home, take away privileges such as allowances, friend-time, cell phone, computer, videos or whatever you think is a distraction and is appropriate to the issue at hand. Make it clear, bad performance at school will not be tolerated, and follow through with consequences.

On the homework front, get tough on him by making him show you his finished work. Sit with him every night and go over everything, even if he already did the work earlier that day. Don't give him his allowance or other privileges if you don't sign off on his assignments daily.

If necessary, periodically "pop-in" at the end of the day to talk with his teacher(s) if he's still floundering. That would be humbling to a preteen to have mom drop in for an impromptu conference with the teacher..and for fellow classmates to see you waiting at the end of the day for a chat between your son, you and his teacher. He'll probably shape up after that one visit alone. He'll resent it, maybe even get really mad, but what do you have to lose? ALOT. Do you want him to like you, or love you years later for caring enough to curb the foolishness. Whatever you do, don't let it go unchecked. He needs to know this behavior is hurting him and in a far-reaching way.

Last but not least, open the channels of communication. Especially now before his life gets even more complicated. Maybe he's having problems with a bully, or has a crush on a girl, or bad chemistry with a teacher. Finding something out like this can be helpful too. Then the two of you can come up with a solution together.

With the exception of a high-achiever here and there, all kids get sick of school and begin to resist the work around the age of 11 J. - your son is quite normal.

My oldest is a 20-year-old honor student in college who went through it. My very bright 13-year-old went through it. This is what I did:

I backed off entirely and made doing their homework up to them. I found that the more I insisted, prodded and complained, the less likely they were to do their homework. Why would they? They were getting a lot of attention from me the way it was.

So, I told them that doing their homework was their thing and I was not going to waste my evening fighting about it. When they went to school unprepared or failed a test, it was their relationship with their teacher that was at stake - not my relationship with them.

If they fell behind, I would schedule after school sessions with their teacher and made sure I was available to pick them up. My youngest stayed after school three nights a week for a month or more just to catch up. What it did was solidify her relationships with her teachers. She also got the homework attention she needed from the people most qualified to give it.

All teachers are required to stay after school to help students at the parents request. All students respond well to direct teacher/student tutoring.

Consider stepping back and letting your son decide what type of relationship he wants. You can direct his after school tutoring sessions if he falls behind, which is a good job for a mom. It is not, however, your job to make sure he is enthusiastic about school. This it the teacher's job - give it back to them.

I hope this helps. Take care ~ A.

I find myself recommending this program over and over - - "LOVE AND LOGIC." It was a book by Dr. Foster Cline; now it is a video course offered to parents by some school PTA's and/or school counselors.

Dr. Cline says, "If you make something YOUR problem, it will ALWAYS be your problem." If your son's teacher starts writing down his assignments for him, and you start checking assignments, telling him what he has to do, sit him down, and lean on him until he does the work - - then be prepared to do this for the rest of his life - - even in high school and college.

It is really scary to take Dr. Cline's advice and NOT make it YOUR problem. But better to "dis-connect" yourself from his homework while he's still young, rather than later. I tried it and it worked!! - - for all 3 boys and 1 girl. I NEVER asked them if they had homework. Believe me, it is REALLY SCARY. You just have to close your eyes, take a deep breath, ignore the fact that he dumped his backpack at the door and hasn't touched it all night, and resist the temptation to ask, "Do you have any homework?" JUST DON'T SAY IT!!

Only 1 kid out of my 4 ended up not turning in work - - right at age 11!!! His 2 teachers called me, and I met with THEM AND HIM that very afternoon. They told me that he'd been "forgetting" his work. All 5 of us came up with an appropriate CONSEQUENCE: If he "forgot" homework at any time in the future, one teacher who stayed after school for one hour anyway, offered to let him sit in her room for an hour and finish it. I made myself available to pick him up ANY DAY that he needed to stay after. The teachers would CALL ME and tell me he was not coming home on the bus. IT HAPPENED THE VERY NEXT DAY!! That day, he stayed in the classroom, did his missing homework, and ended up missing all of his regular after-school TV shows (which was Pokeman by the way.) It NEVER happened again!!!

It is really amazing how Dr. Foster Cline's NATURAL CONSEQUENCES idea works. This particular son of mine is now a junior in high school and I still don't have to ask him if he has any homework.

Oh, and just to drive the point home - - my oldest son - - now 23 - - just got accepted into MEDICAL SCHOOL!!! He's the first kid on either side of our family to pursue an advanced degree in anything!! Thank you, DR. CLINE! LOVE AND LOGIC was my saving grace in raising 4 kids!

Hi J...I am a teacher and also a tutor in study skills at Sylvan. I do agree with many of the comments made by by previous posters, but I thought I would throw out my opinion here. Have him carry an planner. This is very useful in keeping your son organized, first of all--a skill that he will need in the coming years. Your goal should eventually be to get him to use it independently and WANT to use it. At first, however, I would have the teacher check it..or actually write the assignments in for him (at least initially to show him how to do it properly). This will help establish clear communication not only between you and your son, but between his teacher and you, also. Have him check off the assignments as they are completed, and make him show you his work. If it is not of good quality, have him redo it. Eventually, he will get sick of redoing it over and over, and he will put out his best effort first. This is definitely going to make him frustrated at first, so make SURE that you are using positive reinforcement when he does something well...in some way, shape or form. I would not resort to buying him something every time he gets an A. I see too many parents who will go and buy their kids a new IPOD or video game system every time they get an A on anything. These kids are the same ones who don't appreciate anything because they NEED constant rewarding..it never becomes internal. Make it something small, and use encouraging words. You want him to feel good inside about his work. I see a lot of high school students at SYlvan who come in and are there simply because their parents want them to be, and they don't actually care about their grades. It is a LOT harder to change behaviors in high school than it is at your son's age...so it's good that you are starting early. Don't give up on him...and don't accept less than he is capable of. Good luck!

Hi J.,

Just so you know, you are not alone. Teen years have got to be the hardest for kids these days.

Just love them and trust them.

If he is only 11, it's going to get worse before it gets better. So prepare yourself.

I think the best thing you can do is trust your gut, and just let him know that you are there for him no matter what.

Give him a task that only he can do. We went through the same thing with both our kids. Our son, now 21, after not being able to find a good job, finally got himself set for Tech School. He didn't do his homework. Told us that he did it in school. I have been through it all with him. Having the teachers signing the notebooks for his assignments. Having meetings with the teachers. I am surprised I am not gray! But it all works out! He will figure it out. He just needs to find his own place in the world and how he fits into it. A male role model is very importnat to boys at this age. So if your hubby could make some special guy time.

Best wishes to you,

J.

J. - I have that same son. If you get any good advice, I sure could use it too :)

It sounds like your son is still in 6th grade? If he is then you still have time to save him from himself. I have three ages 16, 14, and 12 so the been there and done that is still at work in my home. Our biggest thing is that all three are still basically doing this. My oldest came up with an idea yesterday, all on his own (ADHA kids usually don't get to many of these good ideas that will benefit themselves). He and a new friend of his (I've known the family for a while) went after school and did homework together. Not just the "just to get by" kind but all of his homework. The reward afterwards was playing on one of the game systems that the other boy has. My 14 year old is still struggling with this so we have had the school do some testing to see if he qualifies for a modified schedule or class time. His problem is that he get the home work done but looses it between study hall and his locker. Now as for my pre-teen, he loves school. I can give his grade school teachers credit for that one. Since he already had the testing done, and is on a modified schedule, he still likes school. One of his biggest fears though, was the fact that he would go from changing class rooms maybe three times a day to changing classes every hour. Our school has some pretty awesome teachers (plus some of them come into where I work on a daily basis) so they do have a chance to talk with parents if the parents have concerns (small school). I'm not saying that every child needs to be tested for a learning disability, I'm saying that each child has his/her own ideas of self worth at this age. Since the 6th grade is designed to help prepare them for middle school, things can be done at home to help them. Checking homework over and tell your child that you are interested in what they're learning. Having them hang homework papers on the fridge when the get a C or better (this does work). Take family time where your child shows you, from their text book, what they've learned or are learning and have them teach you because you'll need this kind of information for when they get into the upper grades (let me tell you that it's been years since I've had to do some of the math problems that these kids are doing now). And talk to the teachers more than at conference times because that might be too late in the game to correct the problem. Over the summer, help your child set goals as to what he/she whats to do over the summer and what they want to do at the end of the school year. Post those goals somewhere where they can see them on a regular basis. Make these goals realistic and not something like "be a better video game player" (all this one does is make the child a couch or floor potato).
Here's something that you can do for the next school year. Set up a rewards system (part of the goal setting). For every "A" that they get they get a certain amount of point right along with "B" and "C" grades (these will reflect if they've turned in their assignments or not). D's and F's get no points. At the end of the school year or quarter (this is up to you), they then can choose a prize. These prizes can be something that your budget can afford. The more points they have the bigger the prize. Make a list of said prizes and post them right along with the points list so he/she can see what they're working for. I've learned that I can get better preformance when something is what they want, within reason, rather than what I want them to have. Something from Wal-Mart carries more weight than something from the Dollar Store, if you get my drift.
Also telling the child that they will have to go to summer school is like shooting yourself in the foot. Again, I have one that loves to go and two others who would rather be boiled in oil than to have to go to summer school. To say that this all will pass isn't true at all. The problem will just get worse as they get older. Your son is still young enough to correct the problem if you use some of the advice you've gotten here on this site. I will warn you though that at or around the age of 14 maybe 15, girls will start adding to the mix of problems. By the age of 16, it will be if full bloom and then watch out (going thru that right now too). Aren't children at this age wonderful. Wouldn't pass this up for all the tea in China.

L.

You might consider the possibility of depression. When I was in school his "symptoms" were some of my methods of dealing with the stresses of what was happening in my life (school bullying, anxiety disorder, I also had abuse from my step-father at home and several teachers at school that didn't help my academics). Keep your eyes peeled and talk to some counselors if you suspect anything. Boys will be less likely to express themselves than girls, but it will make a world of difference for him if you can address these issues early... if he is suffering from some sort of bullying, pressure, or abuse. It may take as little as 6 months on a mild anti-depressant or anxiety medication to get him back on track.
Most importantly, be there for him, and let him know you are. Find some common ground and spend time with him, stand your ground when he tests your boundaries/rules, and make sure you are taking an active part in stearing him in the right direction.
Best wishes to you both.

J., you have gotten a lot of good advice. Here is what worked for me, not just for schoolwork but for other issues/behaviors that come up also. My child and I discussed consequences of actions and choices a lot. We raised two sons and one daughter and for the most part, they learned to make good decisions and still do. In our discussions, we talked about how what they chose to do at the moment would affect the rest of their lives. If your son can realize that if he learns as much as he can this year and does the best work he can, next year will be easier. And, that will be true year after year. Hug him. B. K.

J.,
I was wondering if your school has an assignment book or something of that nature? If his homework is donethe teacher could sign the things that are done at school. Does he take any pride in his report card? It doesn't hurt to set up a reward system for when his report card does come out. If the grades are not up to snuff the reward isn't going to be so great.(kind of like a job) a very good web site is the super nanny one. She is awesome. I have been raising 5 children on my own for over 7 years. Ages 16- 8. That show was a God send for I was already doing quite a bit of the same things that I learned as I was already raising the children. Hope this helps a little.

First, what you describe is why they have junior high; kids need to get distant so they can make the jump to adult. I have an 11-yr old also. The thought is to let them dream. When else will they have that freedom? Of course they can do better, but it is 'your better' that you want from him. He has to figure out what is 'his better'. This is not a good time to compare him to others, including you, his siblings, or his peers. One other thing that makes me think he needs a little repite emotionally. You are happily remarried. That means he has gone through some sort of transition. He needs his space, and you only are the one that can make that happen. Peace to you and yours.

Hi there,
This sounds very simular to my son.
We had to request a daily log of assignments that our son filled in and had signed by each teacher. We also had him bring every thing home for us to check. We were able to show him how he rushed through. We could catch unfinished work and it took a lot of extra energy on our part. We did improve his habits but do still have to stay on top of it.

Hi J.,

My husband and I recently went through the same thing with our 10 1/2 year old son. At conferences, we told the teacher what we needed from her to help us at home. She agreed to not let our son turn in any homework until he bought it home for either my husband or I to look over. (His grades dropped from A's and B's to C's and D's). His teacher also lets him "redo" his assignments so he can get a better grade. My husband and I reward our son with $5.00 for every A he gets on his report card, we do this every quarter-it's an incentive that he can totally relate too! My advice, talk to his teacher, with your son there, and work out a plan that all three of you agreed with. Good Luck! P. K.

Hi J.,

As a person who gave my mom the same hard time, I can share why I was the same way as your son. The truth was I was understimulated. Homework was boring because I already knew the answers. It was one of the reasons why my mom put me in Catholic school because I was being stunted in public kindergarten and grade school. However, I was teased and ridiculed in Catholic school so they didn't want to pay all the money for me to be miserable in high school so I went back to public school.

By the time the public school figured out what was going on, I was getting ready to graduate and wasn't interested in the advanced high school courses any longer. I was in my senior year and only doing one semester.

So my advice is to have a dialog with your son. Maybe he's feeling under or overstimulated and once you find out what is causing him not to put effort in his homework, you can work with the school so he feels sufficiently challenged and finds interest in doing school work again.

If the school is unable to challenge him, then my recommendation would be to find out what subjects most interest him and reward him for good effort. If he turns in quality work for that month, you will do a science field trip with him. Take him to some place where he will get the stimulation he needs. If he needs small rewards to lead up to the big one, maybe you can say for every week that he turns in quality work, he will get an hour of uninterrupted time to himself or some other small reward where he gets to choose the reward in some fashion. My parents did that my Junior year with the offering of a leather jacket so I can say that works too.

Any ways, I hope that gives you some direction. Good Luck!

Angie

I'm a teacher myself, and would suggest having your son's teacher send home a list of homework if there is any for the evening. Then you know what needs to be done and can check it off with him. She could send it to you even if there isn't anything for that night. If the homework tends to be the same (spelling every friday, etc.) she could let you know what to expect. That way you know it should be coming home.
Sometimes, it helps kids to have a conference with you, the teacher, and them-especially at your son's age where he can verbally explain his thinking. It would keep him a little more responsible for what's going on and maybe he could explain why he's becoming disinterested.
Often times, kids will act up if something is either too hard or too easy. You could try to determine if you son is in either of those categories, and get a tutor if he needs it or try to help challenge him if necessary.
See if you can find some fun games, project ideas, and books for him to read at home (especially if you're not getting the "homework" he should have) that are engaging for him and that fit his interest. If he likes science, try some fun experiments, etc. Mostly, you want to make the homework time fun for him and you, otherwise it will become a daily battle, which you don't want when that's the only time you get to spend together.

I went through this with both of my boys. The oldest told me "I can't take my toys to play with at school so why should I take school home to do during my play time?" They both were those kids who had everything come so easy that they didn't do anything of daily work then aced the tests. My daughter struggled for her grades so she did a good job on getting her homework complete. One thing that helped with my youngest that wasn't available with the oldest two was the school went online. I could go into his grades anytime I wanted. This showed every assignment that wasn't done, what he got on his tests and how many times he missed school or was tarty. Then when he wasn't behaving in class I just told him I would go in and sit in his classes with him. He knew I wasn't bluffing so he would straighten himself up. One thing I didn't like is our teachers giving chances over and over to get homework in to them. I think it harms them when they are in the "real" world and find out deadlines are just that. Can you imagine a job where you say "oh, I was off with my friends. I didn't get that done, but I will sometime"

Good luck. One thing my husband's parents did with them is paid them $5 for each A, $2 for each B, nothing for C's and they had to pay their parents $2 for each D and $3 for each F. It is one thing I said "no way, this is their grades, they have to do it just because it is their responsiblity" Now, after the years of fighting them in high school I wish I would have done that, starting when they were in about 2nd grade just to get them in good study habits. Once they are in High school they aren't so interested in earning money from parents, since most have jobs and earn a lot more.

Hi J.
I personally am not at this stage yet. My sister in law is and has had the same issues with her son. she told him if he didn't start improving his grades and do the best job he could she would go to school and sit next to him in every class to make sure he did is work and handed it in. just the threat worked for her but if you have to follow through. He will not want you to do it again. Good Luck :)T.

You're doing the right thing talking to the teacher. I will tell you, as a teacher, there is not time in my day to contact the parents of every student who is not performing. At my school, we send home progress reports every 2 weeks, and the parents are given a schedule of when those are supposed to be sent home with the students. I know this sounds callous.

However, if a parent contacts me, and requests that I have more communication, I go out of my way to make sure that I do as much as I can, because I know that parent is taking the extra effort to support their child. For my own son (who is only in Kindergarten), I have weekly email connections with her.

It takes a village. Your son will not be happy, but if he is not doing it on his own, then you need to get involved. I know for me, as a child growing up in foster homes, I was left to my own devices to get work done and it was my foster dad, when I was 9, who stepped in and MADE me do some work that I had been cheating on, left to my own devices. (I didn't have my multiplication facts memorized and had been cheating on the tests. The funny thing now is that I am a MATH teacher.)

The point is that you need to step in and provide as much support as is necessary. For some kids it's a one time push; for others it's needed throughout their schooling. This is why after school help and tutoring centers are so successful.

My son is about to be 12 -- first child, type A personality but now he is getting a little lazy at school. HE is definitely a mini me! he is very smart, doesn't have to study and is very social! He got a cell phone this year and one thing I have decided to try is to use the cell phone as leverage. HE has 7 classes and there are 7 days in the week. If his grades drop he loses one day per week of his cell phone per class he is not doing well in. He can be an all A student but I don't put that pressure on him -- I allow B's if he is trying. C's are not allowed -- (at least at this point) if he gets a C , he picks a day out of the bag and loses his cell phone that day each week until his grades go up -- that also goes for if he gets a zero on anything. We'll see how it goes!
E.

Hey there,
Well, my son just hit the "big 13". And he's been driving us nuts for the last year or so. He's not interested in school, or doing his best. (or what I think is his best) He's just scraped by in school every year, and that's not good enough for me. But it seems that it's good enough for him. My hubby is away alot too....I'm remarried also. My hubby works off shore 4 weeks on and 2weeks at home. So I understand about him not being home to help with the issues. I wish you luck, and I am going to take some of the advice that the others have given you. I'm going to try asking the Dr. about the depression thing. He's ADHD, but he's been on meds for a while. He's had a hard year this past year, (lost his grandmother on his dad's side in Feb.) and other things. I am right with you! Hope that we can get these boys on track!
Kris