Recently my husband and I with two children in tow, relocated from the east coast to the Seattle area. I'm homesick, as I was born and raised in a small southern town where all my family was accessible to me. The following has not helped me to cope.
The thing is, when we moved here (within a week and a-half) my bro-in-law's fiance (now wife) encountered a terrible incident in the home she was staying in with some roommates. She had to get out quick. We opened our doors for them and the 4 children to come stay with us until they were able to get on their feet. That's what family does, right? That was in October and we've seen nor heard any effort to do just that. They are assisting with roughly 35% of the household bills. Granted they're a one income family as she's trying to start her own business.
My husband and I don't like the neighborhood that we're renting in, and need to move further North so that he'll be closer to his job. I love the school my son is in, so that presents another issue entirely. We found a house that we like that's considerably less expensive. It's on the North side of Renton as opposed to East Hill in Kent. (Amazing what a 25 minute drive does for you in this area). We just don't want to bring the in-laws with us. Living with them has been tiresome and frustrating. Yet, they are family, so it's not like we can just kick them out and tell them "Good Luck!"
Obviously, this is more a rant than a request, although what would you do in our situation?? Have you encountered something similar?? How did you resolve it??
It feels like forever ago that I posted this. In any case, we did talk with them .. sorta ..
We were going to sit down and have the talk but we were informed that they would be leaving by the end of May .. which turned into the end of June. I'm not sure I can last that much longer. It's a relief and I am counting the days as they slowly pass by. It works out since we still aren't sure which area we want to move to, what school we will be putting the children in and making sure it's a good one, whether or not the area is safe, and looking for a decent place that isn't outrageous in the process. We're looking toward Bellevue since again, the work issue.
I would like to thank you all very much for lending a sympathetic ear .. erm .. eye. It's nice to know this group is out here for whatever may ails us stressed out moms!
I suggest you start having some frank discussions with your in-laws. They can't be so oblivious that they don't know what their presence is doing to you and your family. Sit down with them and see if you can't hammer out a time line for them leaving that makes you both happy. If they start getting upset, remind them that you love them.
I understand you want to help family, but you've done that. Now it's time for them to stand on their own and time for you to take care of your immediate family.
I would tell my family that we need to move and we've found a house that fit's "our" needs. We'll be moving on X date and they have until that time to make other arrangements.
ps: It's a definite culture shock moving here. I moved her from Texas 11 years ago and things are certainly different. One thing that helped was I found www.meetup.com and through that site a great local mom's group.
C.-WAHM to 4 y/o virtual twins
Owner-www.BeHappierAtHome.com
B.,
It sounds like you already have a good plan for how to extricate yourself from this situation. Your impending move to Renton is a great opportunity to "split up" with the in-laws. Just be open with them about it and explain your reasons for needing to do this (for your own family) and let them know you'd be happy to help them find another place (this will make it clear that you don't intend to have them move with you, without having to say it directly). If they don't get the message, you may have to use some of the other advice to give reasons why they can't come along.
I think you'll be much happier in Renton - as mentioned before - the schools in N. Renton are great and you'll be close to so many great places and activities in the Bellevue and Seattle area like the KidsQuest museum in Bellevue, the aquarium and zoo in Seattle, the Pacific Science Center, Seattle Children's museum, etc.
You may also want to find a mom's group when you move - such as MOPS (in many area churches) to make new friends in your new area and expand your network! This is how I've dealt with being far from family after moving here from the east coast two years ago!
Best of luck to you-
-K.
First, north Renton is a great place to live. The elementary schools in that area are great. Teachers are wonderful. Take a deep breath and breathe on this concern.
About your in-laws living with you. Did you add this family to your lease where you're currently living now? The reason I ask, is this could be your way of letting them know that you/they have to move. The new home that you're moving to in Renton, is it truly large enough for an additional family to be living there with you and did you add these adults to that lease? If the family is still having concerns about their safety (the reason they moved in with you in the first place), then help them get a restraining order so they have some recourse if approached or threatened in the future. In today's economy, starting one's own business is shakey, and your sister in law may have to seek employment outside the home, at opposite hours of her husband to mitigate the costs of daycare. Do you require their contribution to make your basic household expenses (rent, utilities, etc)? Have they applied for housing assistance (section 8 or other low income assistance)?
Bottom line, let them know that they won't be able to move with you as the new home is not large enough for all of you and that the landlord is not willing to have 2 families living in his house at the same time. (Check with him to make sure you're factual.)
I wish you well.
I would give them notice that you will be moving and that they will need to be ready with thier own plans by a given date. Don't add that you are unhappy with the situation, just say that the move is something that needs to be done, and give them pleanty of time to be ready as well. Make it clear that they aren't going with you. "We are moving to a different area so we need to let you know that you will need to find a place of your own by X date." You could offer to help them find a place. Washington has great programs offering help to families with lower incomes (if that applies) that can help them with housing, food, medical and sometimes even cash. If they are a one-income family, they might qualify. Just be sure you are very clear that when you move, they need to move also and not into your new place.
As for your son's school, you don't HAVE to switch if you don't want to. He can finish the year in his current class and they won't make a huge issue of it as long as you are willing to make the commute. In my opinion, Renton has far better schools than Kent anyway (I was born here and lived in Renton for 7 years and Bellevue for 22 years) so you might be happy with the new school for the next school year. I personally would make the commute rather than pull my child away from friends and a teacher he likes. It's always easiest to start at a new school at the same time as starting a new grade.
Hi B.,
I feel for you and your situation. You and your husband have been very giving in welcoming your extended family into your home. The frusuration is understandable...we are human and we all tend to irritate eachother when we live in the same residence! My kids irritate me at times, too. But that does not mean the love is not there.
As for your situation that you write about...my suggestion is that you and your husband move with your family and sit down you sister in law and let her know what your plan is, give her a time line so she can find somewhere to go. WA state offers some great programs and help to single mothers with children. Especially if they are trying to start their own businesses.
I know you do not want her to be 'kicked out' and you love her and her children. But if this is what you and your husband want to do to be closer to his work and it will make your lives easier then by all means, go for it.
Good luck and take care.
S.
Helping you in-laws for more than 6 months is going farther than the call of duty. The adults with four children have the responsibility to move on and take responsibility for their own situation so if you have seen no progress in this regard, you have the perfect right to tell them when you are moving and invite them to stay in your present house and pick up the rent themselves or make other plans but those plans will not include living with you. You have a responsibility to take care of your IMMEDIATE family and will not have the extra room for that many people in the house.
The best policy in this case is honesty before it does blow up in mutual resentment between you and the in-laws. If they decide to be offended, make a scene, whatever, that is their business, not yours.
Good luck! You need to do what is best for you and your husband.
H.
gees its sure sounds a very though decision to make, but I know that 2 families together usually is a very difficult life, but I would suggest just sitting down and talking to the in laws, honestly they too must not be that happy, no one has any freedom.
It's a difficult change coming from the east coast to this area, everything is very different, my family and I also moved from the Jersey area, to Kent, about 20 yrs ago, it took us about 2 years to get more comfortable.Now we love it.
You actually stay more in touch with family when you are this far.
I hope honesty will work for your problem.
Good luck.
Welcome to the West Coast! It can be hard to undertake a major relocation, taking time to feel that a new place is home. I am not from this country, but have developed a lovely network of friends and support here. It takes time, but it will happen, and Renton is a great area!
There's a difference between being generous (of your time and resouces)and making sacrifices. Just because you want to move to another area and alone, does not mean that your generosity will stop: the nature of how you express that will. You'll always be there for your family and willing to be supportive. However, you need to look after yourself and your family's needs first.
My mother-in-law lived with my husband long before I married him. When his job relocated to another state, we had to have the very difficult discussion about moving. I was looking forward to her not moving with us. This was over a decade ago. It was very hard at the time because of the fear of unknown for her. However, with our assistance (we didn't abandon her of course) and support, she ended up moving onto another son's property where she had enough money after we sold our house to build a little home where she has been happily esconced ever since.
It's a hurdle to have that initial discussion, but once you do and you can move forward, things will fall into place. That in itself will feel really liberating for you. All the best!
Hi B., First of all GET OUT OF KENT! That's your main problem!!! Even if you check out Des Moines, West of Kent, you'll find a pretty quaint little community. The marina is a great place to take the kids. As for your family... My husband and I have been in the situation a couple of times and are in the situation now, only with one of his childhood buddies. I hate to say it, B., but you really are not helping them. We thought we were helping my hubby's friend and you will find you're only enabling them to become comfortable with a situation you meant to be very temporary. I know it was never intended this way, but we have come to feel so used and taken for granted. We have soooooooo learned our lesson!! We will not help anyone in this way again. We will find another way to help. You have to help yourself first, girl, and your family. Find a place you love and will be happy in. Do what you need to do to help yourself fit in. The family situation isn't good for you, you'll end up wanting to bail out of here, when there are some cool posibilities for you. Move. They will find their own way. You're not their parents!!! It's not easy but you gotta do it.
Oh, and my hubby's buddy is out of the house at the end of the month. And not on good terms with me! Too bad it had to end that way but it's been almost 3 years and we've got another baby on the way. I had to get mean!!!! Good Luck!!
P.S. I do appreciate that Southern Hospitality. But I think it only works there.
I feel for you. As much as I would hate to hear it, honesty is the best policy. You have valid reason to move other than just getting rid of some "excess baggage". There comes a point when you are no longer helping and you are enabling. the longer she stays the more comfortable she gets and the harder it will be to leave. My friends went thru a similar situation and it got to the point where she just left in th middle of the night and the family didn't hear from her for 2 weeks onlt to find out she was living in her car with her 3 kids! Anger, resentment, and guilt are much harder to swallow than honesty. You have to give 30 days right? that should be plenty of time for her to get a new place. She just got her tax refund right? Or tell her she has until May when the stimulus refund comes if that works better for you. that gives her almost 3 months give or take when she gets hers. I don't envy your situation and if you ever need to go off just e mail me! I am a good listener. GOOD LUCK!
S.
My husband and I were in some sorto f similar situation before our first was born. When we got married we really didnt want to be putting all of our monthly earnings towards rent and bills so we asked a good friend of ours if she would want to move in with us and help out. This was prefect because she needed to move out of her parents house. So we had planned on a amount every month she would give us and well lets just say after the first month she never seemed to have to money to pay us. I found out i was prego with our first a month after we got married and we knew that we would eventually need a bigger place. But awhile into the house sharing and her not paying us or helping out around the house we were fed up. we ended up just planning the move and not including her she sort of got the hint because we were only looking at two bedroom apts and ones that were very cummute friendly to her job. she eventually moved back in with her parents again. I dont know if the just planning the move and making it noted they arent moving with you approach will work but i feel for you that feeling of desparation is awful!! Just make it a point when you do move to let them know they need to figure stuff out for them selves they are adults arent they??? it is time they rely on themselves for shelter and paying ALL the bills that is what grown ups do!!! GOOD LUCK!!!!!
Set the boundries now. Start with We Love you then let them know your moving and they are not coming with you. I've been there. If you make it easy why wouldn't they stay.
Hi B.. Why don't you just let them stay in the house that you're renting in Kent and move to Renton. You've been plenty generous. Just ask them if they want to take over the lease because you're going to move to a more suitable location. Obviously, as guests, they have outstayed their welcome.
