Some Perspective Will Be Greatly Appreciated.

There are givers and takers. As long as you give she will take. Stop giving or she will never stop taking.

I don't think you're selfish at all. I would send her packing - the sooner, the better. Especially if she is her illegally. If she wants to come her and work, let her go through the proper channels.

Good luck.

Hey have her earn her way! You and hubby need date night guess what you have a live in nanny! have her cook and clean for you! laundry mow the lawn! otherwise find her a hubby and marry her off! LOL

You are not selfish. If you wanted a grown daughter, you could have adopted a teenager. Kick her out with a teach yourself English set and when she has legal documents, she can come back to the US.

I have a brother in law who came to live with us along with my sis (his wife) and their 2 kids because they were having hard times a couple of years ago. Well they definitely overstayed their welcome and he would use my computer, watch our cable tv and the kids would eat our groceries we bought and he barely chipped in. He had the same kind of mentality that he was too good for most jobs and thought he was above them. It's a bad situation all around. Your not being selfish you need to put your foot down or she will get too comfortable. Is there other family that could possibly help her? Does your husband agree with you? Maybe you both could let her know in a nice way that if she wants to stay she needs to get a job and contribute. Because I totally know the feeling, its bad enough that they wanna stay with you but then on top of that they don't wanna pull their weight?? These people should know better.

It's your sister in law, so your husband's sister? Honestly, I think you are justified to feel how you do, she has completely taken you for granted and it doesn't sound like she has thought about anyone but herself here. Can your husband talk to her? I know you don't want to turn her out, but if she's going to stay with you, she's an adult (I'm assuming) so she needs to start acting like one and stop mooching off of your kindness. If your job selections are not good enough for her, she needs to work on getting proper documentation so that she can find suitable work. Sounds like it's not that she can't work, it's that she won't. Your husband really needs to stand up and put his foot down here, especially if she plans on staying indefinitely. Make out a "bill" that shows exactly what she's costing your household each week, and show it to your husband so he can get the financial perspective. Tell him you aren't comfortable with her staying if she can't begin to contribute her share.

I don't think that you're unable to live with anyone, I just think that you and she don't get along, have different values, and different attitudes toward things. When you butt heads with someone about one thing, and then it's not really resolved, you can carry that resentment onto other aspects of your relationship with that person.

Good luck. I know that dealing with family issues is never easy, but you have to be comfortable, and respected, in your own house.

To me... the point is: IS she here on a Visa?
That is typically 3 months. As a 'tourist' visa? Or Student Visa? Even Student Visas have to be renewed etc.
THEN, if she does not go back to her country, that is illegal... and you will be housing an illegal alien.
And you all can be arrested/held liable/and she deported... and that means she can NEVER come back, to the USA again.

To me, THAT Is the problem... she is... slowly... getting the situation to where she can stay...
and she cannot work here LEGALLY... either.
So, how can you expect her to contribute monetarily, to your home, if she cannot work here legally????
Sure, she is maybe a 'burden'... but well, she is being allowed to take advantage of you/your home/your child and family... PLUS she is telling you what to do... with your child.

She will not alter her plans... to accommodate yours.
You meanwhile, have changed your home/family... to accommodate her.

Next: WHAT the heck, is your Husband saying about all this? That is HIS sister... and, it should be a decision in which he ALSO considers his WIFE's feelings on it, and his own child's well being.

all the best,
Susan

Don't feel bad about how you feel. If I were you I would have sent her back to Mexico the minute she refused to help pay her way. I know it sounds bad, but I don't like disruptions in my family.
If she were to display a want/urgent need to help then I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's a lack of respect to your household. I have a family member that is a "user," so I don't tolerate it well. My last thought is, if she is scared to go back to Mexico then why not do whatever it takes to stay with your family?

Cleaning is honest work. If she wants to stay in America she should prove it. Learn english, speaking, reading and writing. Get the cleaning job or anything else that comes along until she is better suited/educated to do something else. (I can't think of any job that would motivate me more to get an education than washing dishes in a restaurant.) Otherwise go back to Mexico. If she says she is scared, then go to a different place in Mexico. Not every town is Tijuana or Juarez.

She should be contributng to your household. Paying for room and board, cleaning, washing, etc. She should be learning english. There are lots of schools that teach English. When I moved to Germany with my parents, I learned German. I learned reading, writing and speaking, including local phrasing and customs. I worked picking fruit and cleaning offices. That's partially what motivated me to get my AA and BS degrees and start on my Masters.

Good luck to you and yours.

i don't know a lot about your situation and i don't say this to be racist, but in my experience the mexican culture is different than an american family in many ways -- one major way that i could never get used to, if it was me, is the multiple adults under one roof. (i mean besides one mom and one dad) personally i would never be able to "share" my home for long with another adult female. i am too used to running the show!...there is another saying, "too many hens in the henhouse", or "too many cooks in the kitchen", for a reason. it is getting to you and it is time for her to go. situation being what it is, you may have to work out a way to work together, but it's totally understandable that it is stressing you out. i don't think you're a bad person. and i don't think adult women are wired (most of us) to live with others. why should we - we are grown, we and our husbands work hard to sustain our families...we don't do it with the idea that we will provide for other adults. i don't have much advice but i certainly understand your frustration.

I browsed through some of these replies, so I apologize if someone has already said this. You and your husband need to talk about this (I'm supposing this is his sister). You don't mention if your s-i-l is an adult but that is how it sounds.

Keep in mind that this is YOUR food, YOUR water bill, YOUR house, etc. Price renting a small place and show her how much her stay is impacting your household and budget. If she can't work, for whatever reason, discuss ways of helping you around the house. My teenager does as much.

IMHO, you feel guilty instead of selfish because you empathize. It's hard for me to "let go" of my teenager, too, but its better for him that he be more responsible for himself in this world.

Best of luck!

She needs to leave - now, not in Dec. It's better if your husband tells her - he is the head of the household and he needs to make a stand. When she started eating so much food, I would have started locking it up. She's treating you like she's on vacation and you are not a bed and breakfast.
When she came to stay she initially had an agreement to pay her way and had a defined date of departure. She's not living up to any of it, so the deal is off. She was never suppose to be a permanent addition to the household. No free loaders! And change the locks as soon as she's gone.
Do not feel guilty about this. She is an adult and should be responsible for where and how she lives. If she doesn't want to go back to the same place in Mexico - it's a big country and she should be able to find another town to live in.
Additional: Something about her eating is not quite right. Is she pregnant and hoping to stay long enough to have the baby in the US (and maybe raise it in your house, too)? You need to send her home before you have a bigger mess on your hands.

What's your husband's take on this?
Is this his "baby sister"?
Are you able to have calm reasonable discussions with your husband?
If you make a list of all the specific things that are a problem,
how much she eats, etc.,
next to a list of how she helps around the house, etc.,
and discuss this with your husband,
perhaps the two of you will agree about what to do next.
Please don't feel selfish.
It's your home.
Your child/children.
You deserve to be able to enjoy your home and family
without having to put up with a difficult person.
S.

My perspective is that your family's first priority is YOUR FAMILY (meaning nuclear family...mom, dad and kids). NOT OUTSIDERS! If she's causing problems or discontent of any kind, she has to go. Period.

There is a lot of missing information here...how old is you SIL? Is she in America legally or not?
If she is here to learn English, then she needs to get out and find a job...she isn't learning any English at your home, where she can fall back on Spanish whenever she runs up against a problem in English. If she wants to be here to badly then she should be willing to do whatever it takes to do it.
Cleaning or working as a child care provider is an honorable job...no excuses accepted. She can work in your home, taking all of the housework off of your shoulders, laundry, everything!!!
As to the food...TALK to her about it!!! Tell her that you can't afford to throw your food budget out the window and that she needs to limit herself to 3 meals a day, when the rest of the family is eating...and a snack. Show her where the water is to replace the soda pop...and tell her that she can have one cake mix a week...or one package of cookies a week for her snacks!! If she is going to act like a spoiled child..it is time for you to start treating her like one.
If you didn't have some rules in place before she came to your house...it is time to sit down and let her know what the rules are!!! I would also give her an ulitmatum...she has until such and such a date ( circle it on the calendar so there is no misunderstanding)....and by that date she must 1. Have a job
2. Be contributing to the household 3. have legal documentation to remain in the US OR 4. head back home to Mexico!!!

BOUNDARIES and reinforce them. If you don't set the boundaries, then it's your fault. Tell her if she wants to live there, she needs to contribute - even babysit for others if needed or help with the housework and food prep. BE FIRM but loving

You are not being selfish. Others suggest getting together as husband and wife, etc. But, I wonder if she is the youngest of your husband's siblings. If this is the case, he is NOT going to tell her to go back to Mexico unless something happens. Also, are her parents alive--this factors in greatly. One thing you might be able to do is set rules for her but your husband will have to be the one to tell her. If she is not working, she should at least be contributing to the house physically by helping clean and maybe cook some meals. it sounds like she has decided to live it up in your home with long baths and such. BTW, my husband is from Mexico and has a younger sister that at first was allowed to do as she pleased because she was the baby--and a girl at that. The guys got together though and told little sis that she had to help out and get a job.

Your husband MUST be on board with you. Does he see, financially, what his sister is doing to your family? Most men I know don't "get it" until money is involved. He will need to be the one talking to her about getting a job and contributing or leaving. Not just because it's her brother, but because he is the head of your household. She likely sees you as an outsider who can't tell her what to do. Your husband knows her. He should be the one laying down the rules for her.
As far as legality, have you looked into what she actually needs to get a green card? Can your family sponsor her? I don't blame her for not wanting to go back, but if she wants to stay here her first step should be an honest one that leads her to a productive life.

Is there a reason why she cannot get documentation to work? Seems like that would solve the problem.

You are not selfish. Talk to your husband, so you know you are in agreement. If you told her December initially, maybe you'll have to keep her until December, but you need to tell her right now that she can't stay any longer than December. Tell her if she wants to stay she will have to get a job and move out, that she can't live with you. You will have to be strong.

Good luck.

Honestly, anyone who is taking advantage of you and your family like that is not worth your time, regardless of her situation or relationship to you. Some may say that I'm being cold-hearted, but if she's wasting your money and food (which you mentioned you have a son, and he should come first) you should give her an ultimatum. If she's not willing to work and pay her own way, you shouldn't be willing to house her and take care of her. There's a difference between freeloading and recieving temporary help! Good luck with whatever you decide to do :)

Well, my question would be how did she come to live with you? Did you invite her to stay? What were the arrangements for her contributions.
As a student she is not allowed to work off campus, but she might be eligible to find a job on campus (this depends on what exactly her student status is... F1 students are allowed to work part time on campus) so she may be able to make a small amount of money.

I am sad to say this, but I work in education and have seen it lots of times, where well meaning relatives have invited someone and offered to sponsor their education in the US - they have a falling out, or the reality of daily life just doesn't work out - and the student is left stranded.

You do not say what your commitment in the situation was, but it sounds like you made some kind of commitment and are caught off guard by some of the aspects. I think you need to talk to your spouse about the situation (I assume it is his sister) and how you feel, then talk to the SIL and find a way to work out the situation, for example by making your expectations known. And if you want her to stick to the original timeline, you need to let her know!

Please do not push her into illegal employement! She is not authorized to work in the US and can get into a whole lot of legal trouble, including deportation and being barred from returning to the US!

Good luck.

Well, I think it is time for sister-in-law to go home. She sounds selfish and act like you owe her something. If she is not contributing to your household.....say good bye.

My answer point blank is SHE HAS TO GO!! Your family, (Husband, You, and your Children) come first. You can go back and forth on this all day and your can feel bad for her but you need to be the best wife and mother for your family and if she in anyway is getting in the way of that SHE HAS TO GO!! Good Luck

You are not selfish. There is such a thing as a person wearing out their welcome. There are things she can do to earn money without needing documentation. She can do babysitting or such like position. Either way, if she is a financial burden on your family then she needs to be notified of the such. It is not a one way decision to stay somewhere indefinitely. Maybe you and your husband need to sit down with her and discuss other living arrangements.

Tell her she needs to step it up and contribute.. being a hispanic myself I know that in all of the countries they work HARD.. very hard so she's just being lazy. If she can't work then fine- she should have the house clean, do laundry and help around the house in order to EARN her keep.. mexican, american student or not.. its only fair to pull your shair- however you may need to pull it. Dont feel bad, and if your hubb is never home- that means YOU are the boss and she has to adhere to your rules or Pal carajo!

Something is getting lost here. Your SIL can be legally authorized to work in the US while on a student visa. So, the question is, why is she not authorized to work? Seems like that would solve a great deal of your issue. If you are going to agree to house her and pay for her food, etc., it is NOT unreasonable to expect her to chip in. You need to establish some clear guidelines for this girl. If you want to help her and help solve your issues, then help her get the proper paperwork in line that will help put her to work. If she had the necessary documentation to get her student visa, then she should have the necessary paperwork for her work visa as well.

You're not selfish at all. It's amazing how we are taught to give so much to others, but not to ourselves. When we try to take care of ourselves, we are being selfish. I struggled with this myself for a long time, so I completely understand where you're coming from. You have to do what's right for you & your family. Like the other moms said, hubby has to be on board and y'all need to come up with a plan.
I've been through 2 similar situations with my brothers. There were very few rules for living in my house- one of them was no drugs, the other was they would get a job & contribute. One was 16, the other was 20 when they lived with us. They didn't follow the rules & we kicked them out.
It certainly wasn't easy with either of them, but both times it was the best decision for me & my family.
I honestly don't know anything about immigration laws, but if she wants to stay here indefinitely then she needs to see about changing her status from a visiting student visa to whatever the permanent status is. Like others said, you put yourself & your family at risk if she is stays past the expiration of her student visa. Once she's legal she can get a legal job & start contributing. Much like my youngest bro, she's going to have to suck up her pride and take a job she feels is beneath her initially, and then work her way up from there.
What would she be doing to support herself if she was back in Mexico? Talk to her & your hubby about her alternatives if she goes back... it may open their eyes to see that even the "worst" circumstances here may be better than what's there for her.

It seems that your life and your child's life/routine have been extremely disrupted by your sister's presence. What you are feeling is a normal emotional reaction to feeling like you are being "used" with nothing in return, and being taken for granted. Your sister is not a good "house guest" and should probably be told as much. Perhaps sitting down and calmly discussing will help open her eyes. Maybe some household rules and some timelines (for her leaving) and schedules (such as bathroom times) should be put in writing. Can she find student housing?

First of all I am so sorry for what your going through I am sorta in a situation kinda like that one and my advice is dont sit there and let her live off you ; tell her that its either time for her to start paying some of the bills and buying her own food or she needs to find herself a new place to live. I know that sounds mean and all but sometimes us humans take people for granit and when we get to live like that for free we get immuned to it and then become lazy and decide we are way too comfortable to go out and fend for ourselves so she definately needs to get the boot so that she can get out there in the world and learn how to fend for herself we all have to sooner or later!

You did not say what your husband thinks about the extended stay past December..
As a non-member of the family it sounds like she has found a place to stay that does not cost any money, she eats and has someplace to sleep at night. The job and any money income can wait is what she is thinking....
You as a husband and wife need to set a time limit on the stay and she will need to stick with it--if is starts to endanger your marriage is it worth it? Our economy is not that good right now and supporting an extra mouth that is not bringing in any income into the house is not going to work for long, She needs to be told this by your husband and he will need to stick to his guns so to speak.
Good luck, as a family this is a hard one for everyone but you will have to decide what is more important to you and your family, your children and marriage or having an extra mouth in the house that is not helping in any way.

My SIL lived with me for just over a year while remodeling her home (she is single). You have to set definite deadlines-everyone lives on deadlines!!! Have a family meeting NOW while you still can w/o having too many emotions included. Set up a plan that you can all work with and STICK to it. If any changes are made, they must be made in a meeting with you, your husband and SIL all attending. You don't want any misinterpretations on your part that could come between you and your extended family in the future. BTW, I still talk to my SIL but towards the end, it was straining our relationship!!

Why is she scared to go back? Does she live in a rough area, what is causing this? If she wants to stay in the US then she has to come up with a plan to do so. What did your hubby do to come here to live? Can he help her with the same plan? I personally think it is time to give her a deadline. Learning a second language is a long term goal. Giving her some time to be here for the immersion factor is great. Now she can take that experience and enroll in an English school in Mexico. I taught in a couple great schools when I lived there. I know the Wall Street Institute is good, with all the time she has had being here and listening and learning, her learning will be accelerated even if she is in Mexico doing it. When I taught English all kinds of people took it, they just found a way. I mean seriously, it would be cheaper to offer to pay for a year of school in Mexico than what you are paying for her to be in your home all this time.(Not saying you should do that, just making the point;) If she is serious about learning English, she can learn it here or there. Also, learning English, is HER goal. You are going way out of your way to help her, but it isn't your responsibility and you certainly didn't take her to raise. I know culturally it is like almost impossible to tell family they have to go. You may just have to talk it over with your husband and then come to an agreement and just tell her you have loved having her and will be happy to have her as your guest until X date. Just try to keep it positive. And don't enter into her problem, it is her problem, not yours. The main thing is that your husband agrees, if he is also ready for her to go, you can tell her in the nicest way possible when she needs to go home. If he is not ready to cut her loose, well that is another issue....all I can say then is good luck!!

Be really positive and say that you know she must feel bad that she can't help more. Point out that she probably knows that she is eating a lot and isn't able to contribute and you don't want her to feel bad about herself, etc. If she says she doesn't feel bad, then just laugh like she is joking. Tell her that you want to help her not feel bad and have some things that she can do to help out (cook, clean, babysit, etc.). Just be really upbeat and positive like you are doing her a favor. Tell her where the stuff is she needs, when she should do it (give her two options like this afternoon or tomorrow morning, etc.) Then you can see her as a help to you. Try again suggesting work for her. If she says that it isn't good enough for her, then tell her that you don't mind if it is a little money. That even a little money contributed will make her feel better about being here and contributing. Just keep telling her the same thing over and over about how you just want her to feel good about staying with you and how it is only until December.

When she says that she wants to stay longer, just say that you are so sorry that she can't. Tell her that you are happy to have her until December but it just isn't fair to your husband. That he needs his privacy, etc. You just couldn't do that to him. Besides it will be so cramped when the new baby comes and you are so glad that she understands. Always be positive and give her compliments for being so understanding. If she insists, just say, again you are so sorry and just keep repeating the same thing over and over like a broken record. And thank her for being so understanding on what your family needs. Remind her that you don't want her to be put out when the baby comes and if she says she won't, just say that you know it will be hard for everyone. She just doesn't realize it. Then remind her again how great that she can be here until December and she will figure out something - she is strong and always does, etc. You can do it! Just practice saying it out loud over and over until it sounds convincing. No need to bother your husband. No need to complain to him. You have a plan all figured out.

You have done a great thing for her and now she needs to grow up and pull her own weight. She needs to see that you have a back bone and will ultimately respect you more for it.

I haven't read all the responses so I apologise if I'm being repetitive. Presumably your husband has his green card or has naturalized in which case I beleive he can sponsor his sister. If she is serious about wanting to stay then they need to explore the options available for her to become a resident alien - then she can go and get a job and her own place to live. You are not running a free hotel and if she can't pay her way then she needs to be contributing to the upkeep of the home by cooking and cleaning.

Good luck