So Friggin Whiney!

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I would, when he is at my house, just not tolerate it and TELL him, stop it. You are NINE years old. Grow up. This is not acceptable in my home.

AND he is picking on your 3 year old. I would not tolerate that and I would tell the Mom. Without hesitation.

You also GOTTA teach your 7 year old, to back up his sibling. His sibling is ONLY 3 years old. Teach him to watch each other's back. That is what family is. That is his brother... his brother is more important.

I would step in. Not tolerate it. And tell his Mom.

AND when your son does that, you tell him stop. You will not tolerate that and until he can use his normal voice, you will not give in.

There is also, a big difference in development and mind set, between a 7 year old and a 9 year old. My daughter is 8.5 years old, and when she was 7 compared to even now, there is a BIG difference in development and interests and mind set.

Does your son have friends his age? From school? If so, then invite THEM over.
You don't have to have that 9 year old friend, at your house all the time. They do live, not near you.

I think in this case "my house, my rules" def applies. I treat all children in my home as do my own and I expect the house rules to be followed by all. I don't mind making a meal she/he likes but only one and everyone eats it. If he can't follow the rules, he gets a time-out (I don't feel comfortable with other forms of discipline when it comes to other people's children). He's 9, he can understand the rules and he can follow them. Try talking to him about what you expect behavior-wise when he visits. Then make sure he follows them, every time.

I would limit the access and be sure to set your son straight BEFORE any visits with his friend. For the times you are around the friend let him know that it's inappropriate to pick on the 3 year old (or anyone) and that he will have a time out or no video games for 20 minutes. As far as his meal dislikes you could plan to have something simple that he enjoys or he can bring something from his home.

You're letting him control your home.

Ask his mom what type of discipline you are allowed to use with him when he does these specific behaviors. I would suggest taking him away from whatever he is not behaving at most likely. If she cant' agree to that, or you cant' think of anything you could enforce with him, forget it. You don't have to attack her, just say, "Sometimes the "boys" act up and I need to discipline them "both" what am I allowed to do with yours when he...." list things he really has done, and have a suggestion ready.

State your expectations up front to him and his mom. 3 strikes, you call his mom to come get him. If she doesn't agree to that, or doesn't think you should discipline him, DON'T let them hang out! I could see making the extra effort and long drive if he was a great kid (maybe) but this is a lot of work your doing just to provide a brat for your kids to play with.

Don't make him anything different to eat. If he whines about his food, strike 1. If the video games are for you sanity, state up front how long they will play it, and take it away when you want. If he whines, strike 2. Picking on the 3 year old??!?! Really, you command him to quit that and he still does it? Strike 3! It would have been nice if your son jumped to the rescue instead of watching, but you're the one in charge.

Lay out the rules in advance of the playing or he'll blow through the three warnings in two minutes. (maybe he still will) but if you are giving strikes plus the consequence each time, maybe he'll believe the outcome of three strikes. If you do call his mom an hour hour after he got there for a sleepover and she comes to get him, maybe he'll heed your warning the next time. Discipline your own son when he's whining after the kid leaves.

You may need to cut this kid loose. I know it's hard since they have a history together, but you're not married to this.
Good luck!

In my experience with my sons, sometimes friends just grow apart. I would imagine that's especially so with the age difference.

I would also think that bad behavior - which is tolerable in small amounts - is unbearable and/or a bad influence when it occurs for longer periods of time.

I would encourage my son to develop friends in your new area, closer to his own age, and discourage this friendship to a big extent. Hopefully it will fade out gracefully with no hard feelings on either side.

I especially would not tolerate mistreatment of my younger child.

Good luck.

Treat him like you would want your friend to treat your son. Teach the kid the rules of your home. Tell him he has to do what you guys do. If he doesnt want to come back, oh well.

wow how annoying! first off i don't understand whinese, so he'd have to drop the tone immediately if he wanted ANYthing from me (my child too, if it was picked up while this kid was visiting). S., i WOULD, yes, ask him if he likes x, y, or z, before i started making lunch. but if he continues to complain then the playdates can stop. or heck, let him stay inside on the couch (with NO video games) while your son goes outside to play. he'll get bored eventually and wander outside. too bad they moved! love to just send his hiney on home!

I like a lot of the moms suggestions about what to do with the whining and picky eating. I just wanted to add that if you are invited to my home for a meal, what I set on the table is what is for dinner. It's a rule I got from my mom growing up. Lots of kids in my family and we all had different likes and dislikes. She wasn't about to make a different meal to cater to everyone in our house. This is what's for dinner. So now, when I make food for people coming over, I serve what I serve and if they don't like it, they can go hungry. The only time I work to be sensitive is if there is an allergy, like nuts or milk, etc.

Good job on the suggestions/advice all you other mamas!

Oh don't do this to yourself. (although I am that same way)..next time he comes over give the kids a choice for the meals for the weekend. Make it fun and he can be involved and this way it is settled. While he is in your care, you are his guardian, therefore you should be able to suggest to him that he has had enough time on the games and that he needs to do something else for a little while.

As for the mistreating the little one...you need to let him know that if he can't treat the little one nicely then we may not be able to have our fun weekends anymore.

Good luck :)

I'd try some of the things that are taught in parenting classes. One is to tell the child that you cannot hear him when he whines and ask him to use a big boy voice. Do not respond in any other way. Do not get him what he's asking for, for example. Do this every time he whines. Consistency is the only way this will work.

You expect your son to go outside. Treat this boy the same. Going outside is not a option. If he doesn't go outside, take his video game away for the moment.

And definitely treat him the same as your son. You are NOT a short order cook. You don't have to know what his likes and dislikes are but if you're concerned about that ask him for a list and then fix meals with the list in mind but there will be times you can't serve what he prefers. He needs to learn to be polite and either eat what he's given or just ignore the food.

When he starts to pick on your 3yo, remove him from the room.

Do the same for your son when he whines. You cannot hear him.

Have you talked with his parents about this behavior? Perhaps they'll have some ideas, too.

Hello, Before he comes, ask him what he would like to eat. When you fix it, don't make him anything else. We had a rule in our house, if you don't like what Mom made, make your own. Make sure that he knows that you will not listen to his whining anymore and that you will not tolerate him picking on the younger child. However, the younger one might be "getting in their way". That's how older children can be.
Good luck with this one.
K. K.

Well, I guess you will have to decide if it is really worth it to continue to foster this relationship. If it is worth it, then you have to set some house rules. My daughter continues to have playdates with a friend who lives 30 miles away, but it is a lot of work to make it happen. Fortunately, having her over is a delight most of the time, so that part is not work. You may be able to just let the friendship fade away and backfill with other friends that are nearby and in school and activities with him.
If there is significant interest to continue the friendship, you need to find out what are his food preferences so you can have those available. Get your son on board to establish house rules (for every playdate, not just this kid) about screen time, kindness to others, respectful words and tone of voice, cleaning up, etc. Make sure you think of consequences, too! Then go over the rules and consequences as soon as the kid comes back and enforce them. Good luck.

Send his little butt home OR explained that the same rules that apply to YOUR children applies to him while he's in your home, he's old enought to understand that. Regarding the food, if he's not allergic he eats what everyone else is eating. Simple fix- call his parents and asked for him to be picked up and be honest with them...