Smoking with an Infant!

Hi Katrina,

I used to smoke....a LOT! I was finally able to quit for good, and have not smoked one in 8 years. It feels like I never used to smoke. It took me SO MANY times to finally be able to quit. And a nagging hubby would have only made me smoke more. This is an addiction. You cannot change him, only support him, and his desire to quit. As hard as it is, you will have to love him through this. The reason he is sneaking around smoking is because he knows you disapprove, and he does not want to disappoint you. The best advice I can give, and the only thing that seems to work, is to lay off him, and let him come to the realization that he hates cigarettes more than he loves them. Just love him, and let him know you understand. I don't know how easy it was for you to quit, but you can understand what he's going through. It's a very difficult time. Just love him.

K.

Look, as a smoker myself, let me tell you that he already knows everything you can ever tell him. Offer him support when he tries to quit. Find him a support group when he's ready, pay for hypnotherapy when he's ready, buy him the patch, gum, whatever, when he's ready. There's really not much else YOU can do. Thhis is his decision. He needs to decide to stop his addiction. And it's cigarettes.

As much as you want him to quit , he will only do it and succeed if he really wants to , and it sounds like he doesn't want to. As long as he smoked outside of the house , never in the car or around the baby then I would leave it at that , i'd make a point of telling him that you would like him to stop and that he should be aware of how much damage he is doing to his health , but then I would leave it. No point in arguing over some you cannot control.

Meant gently...

Are you ready to divorce him over this issue? If not, you may want to question whether attacking him, guilt tripping, being condescending, & disgusted is how you would want him to treat YOU over ANY issue, and also especially when you're having a hard time with something.

Whenever you're about to do something, change the scenario. If you're about to say or imply he doesn't love his daughter... take a minute and imagine how you would feel if he came at you the same way and implied you didn't love your daughter. There is NO way that can be implied without it feeling like a kick in the gut. Imagine if you overslept, and he implied you were a bad mother for it. How would you feel? Or how about a choice you make in your life? Any choice that you currently make... and that equalled that you were a bad mum or didn't love your baby girl?

This goes for anything, but ESPECIALLY something you struggle with. (To pick a common one)...how about if he posted pictures of you on your scale? Or would only let you hold your daughter if you had proved you had exercised?

If you love your husband... why would you want to cause him pain? To make him feel less than? To manipulate him? Is this how you yourself would like to be treated?

Again, meant gently. Hugs. I know you yourself are struggling right now.
R.

Oooooh! Update, on your update :) :) :) (on the feeling hopeless)
Do you know the best definition of forgiveness I've ever heard?

"Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past."
It doesn't mean accepting, condoning, or forgetting... but it means taking things and people for who and what they are, and being able to make our own decisions without being clouded by the illusion of control over other people (through pain, fear, love, threats pick a manipulation tool any manipulation tool). If you're feeling hopeless, you're on the road back to accepting and loving your husband for who he is, and making your own decisions accordingly :)... instead of basing it on what he does.

2 things to remember...
He is your husband, not your son... Yes, you want him in the best of health and for the sake of your kids and your future want him to quit... But he is an adult. Let him know that it is HIS decision, you will support him if he wants to quit... But if he doesn't, here are the rules...
Not in the house or around kids, not in the car, not right by a door or window (even if they are outside the door), no butts laying around... He must take care of the butts...Not leave them in a container for child to dig in... Change shirt and wash hands BEFORE touching child... etc...
If you try to "force" him to quit by guilt then you will be looked at as "the nag" and it will not work. He will sneak it.
Good job on letting him know that he's not sneaking it past you! Honesty is the key. Set down the rules and let him know that he doesn't have to sneak, cause you already know. Let him buy a pack... If he wants... But make a deal that he takes a certain amount of $ cash and NO MORE than that for the month... If he's out he's out... That gives him control of how many he allows himself ... lets call it butt budgeting.lol

My BIL smoked for years and years... Sister set down the rules but it wasn't until HE wanted to quit that it happened. He hasn't even been tempted for a year! :-)

added: there are different addictive personality types. Some can pick up a habit and put it down at will... Others can not. They need more help. Perhaps look into getting that stop smoking med. I think its called chantrex... but still... unless he is commited, it won't work...

I smoked for 10yrs (8 smoke free, now!), and my now-husband hated it and tried everything.

It's simple. You can't MAKE him quit. The only way he's going to quit is if HE is READY.
Putting pressure on him and getting into fights isn't going to anything but cause him to hide it and cause more fights.
Make a rule that he can't smoke in the house or anywhere around the baby. You can even make a rule that he has to change clothes or shower before he touches her if he's been smoking.

But you can't make him quit. Period. No matter how good of a reason there is.

I have been fighting this battle for 5 years now! And my husband still hasn't quit :( He had said he would quit before our daughter was born... she's 4 years old now.

He's tried Chantix, patches, cold turkey, but nothing has worked. He too has a lot of stress & it always pulls him back to smoking. Now it's gotten to the point where if I say anything (even if I mention the smell), he gets upset. So I mostly just let it go. It's got to be HIS choice to quit!

One thing my husband has tried (and been back & forth) is electronic cigarettes. You don't light them, they run off a battery. So there's no smoke! They don't contain all the tar & nasty stuff, it's only nicotine & water vapor (and a flavor of your choice). In the long run they are cheaper than regular cigarettes, and you can get different nicotine levels. They can be used as a cigarette replacement, or as a way to quit (step down nicotine level cartridges).

My husband's is the Blu. It's not quite as expensive as others, and it doesn't look like a real cigarette. It's all black and it has a blue light. He didn't want it to look like a real one because some restaurants & places let you have the e-cigs (since there is no lighting up & no smoke).

Might be an option for your husband. Good luck!

it is hard. my grandma has emphesema and wont admit it (she says its athsma) and she "secretly" smokes in her bathroom. (the whole room is dingy and has an icky black coating, the wallpaper, everything). We hid her cigs in a new spot every time we come over. Talking to her hasnt helped, so we do what makes us feel better, by being passive agressive and annoying. :-)

You are NOT overreacting! If he doesn't stop smoking for himself, he needs reminded that he needs to quit for his daughter!!! No excuse about the stressful job - he has a daughter now and her health and well being come first!

Your husband smokes at work, maybe while out with other smokers and drinking, he doesn't do it at home and never with the baby so I think that's pretty good. Maybe he is sneaking them at night while you are asleep. But if he's going outside, he's not harming you or the baby.

I know you love him and want him to quit, but I'm afraid trying to guilt him into it might make it even worse. I know that you were able to quit, which is awesome, but surely you know that nagging feeling of wanting a cigarette. And then someone nagging you about it on top of it just makes you think about it even more.
There are a thousand worse ways your husband could betray you and him smoking doesn't mean he doesn't love his baby.
Agreeing not to fight over it isn't the same as condoning his smoking. He already knows you don't want him to. Unless he's sneaking at night outside, he's not even doing it at home. As crazy as that sounds, he is tying to limit himself.
It's a hard habit to break and he'll quit when he's decided he's ready.
My sister is a social smoker. If she's out with friends or has people over for cocktails and dinner, she will smoke outside. Then she won't touch cigarettes again for a few months. It's really hard if you're around other smokers not to cave in once in a while, especially if they're around you at work, etc.
I just think if you lighten up a little bit, even though you don't agree with him smoking, it might make it easier for him to quit on his own, for good.
That's just my opion.

Best wishes.

He'll have to make the decision himself and all you can do it set some ground rules. My husband can't smoke in the house or in my car (or in his car if our daughter is in it). There's no kissing if he smells like cigs. I put them down cold turkey myself over 10 years ago and know how difficult it is. But like any addiction, you must decide to quit and do it.

i never let my husband smoke in the house near the children.. it's not fair to the kids.. they aren't smoking and shouldnt be inhaling the second hand smoke. My husband could smoke all he wants... outside or in the garage.. not in the car and not in the house.. good luck

Hi Katrina,
Funny I just saw a post very similar to this one the other day and gave my two cents there as well.
Well I think as an ex smoker you already know the answer to this. Just as most others has stated the decision is HIS. No amount of guilt, pressure or just down right nagging is going to get him to quit. This is only going to cause a huge problem in your marriage if it hasn't already. Want him to be honest in your relationship? Don't give him a reason to lie by making him feel shamed by doing something he know well cause you grief. I do think that it's ok to have guidelines like him not smoking close to you baby and things like that but making him quit is not going to happen, sorry.
I'm sorry and I can understand your disappointment and I think your valid for your feelings but all you can do is tell him how you feel and why, ONCE and leave it alone.
Best Regards,
C. (ex smoker for 14 years :)

Let me just first get this out in open - I am very anti-smoking. I think you have heard from quite a number of people that can identify with how difficult it is to quit because either (A) they are or have been smokers themselves or (B) they live with smokers. I'd like to give you another point of view.

I have never smoked... NEVER. But at the age of 25, I was told that I only had about 40% of my lung function due to severe scarring of the lungs. I have been able to recover some of my lung function with a lot of hard work, a lot of medication, but I will never be at 100%. I've been told that i will most likely develop full blown emphysema down the road (if something else does not get me first.)

The only logical explanation for all this is my exposure to second hand smoke as a child. My parents did not smoke but my grandfather did. I should also add that I did not live with my grandfather, but saw him on a regular basis. I should also add that my grandfather died of cancer far too young. I absolutely adored this man, but I hate was his habit did to him and to me.

I am living proof that smoking doesn't just affect the smoker... it affects the people around the smoker. When my daughter was an infant, she could not even be near someone who was a smoker. The minute a smoker would pick her up, she would immediately start screaming, then gasping for air. That happened on numerous occasions. I'm doubt that happens with all babies, but it definitely was the case for her.

I don't know that your approach is necessarily the right one, but I can certainly understand it. I think I might have done the same thing if I were in your shoes. But like I said, I have zero tolerance for it.

The bottom line for me is that exposure to smoke is extremely dangerous for your baby. If your baby is exposed to second-hand smoke, it puts your baby at risk for lung problems as the lungs are still developing and far worse, SIDS. There are some more "understanding" folks who have posted here that would probably like to negate that, but those are the facts. Smoking, like any vice, is a choice. This may sound harsh, but your husband needs to quit being selfish, think about his family and do whatever it takes to quit.

Addiction is so hard to deal with. But you do need to talk to him. A stressful job and a new baby are hard for most "sober" people to deal with. You do not want to add to that stress. He know what he needs to do and he needs to be the one to do it.

But that doesn't mean that you have to sit back and let destroy himself. I like the idea of taping the picture to the pack. Very clever.

DO talk to him.

My husband had used zyban many years ago which worked for a while but then he went back to it. (Zyban also caused some really crazy dreams!) He ended up quitting for good about 8 1/2 yrs ago cold turkey. Your husband just has to be ready.

Be sure he isn't smoking around the baby or in the house and car. And he needs to wash his hands afterwards. Everyone knows now that second hand smoke is harmful.
I can't stand the smoke. It sounds like he already feels pretty bad about it though since he's sneaking them.

Good luck.

I think you are wrong in your approach. You need to support him but also understand that quitting smoking is not as easy as you think. It is very hard to do and everyone thinks that just because there are things on the market to help you stop smoking not all of them work and you have to find the one or thing that does. One of the worse things you can do is harp on him constantly about his smoking as this gets both of you no where and probably keeps him smoking. No one likes to be told what to do or how to do it by someone who doesn't know. Sure smokers don't like the smell, they know full well that it is not good for their health and most truly want to quit but some have difficulty more than others. Be patient with him, don't humiliate him and just encourage him. In order to quit, you truly must want to quit and most times people quit only to start up again but they keep trying and one day it works and maybe with some it doesn't. Having a stressful job is not helping as the cigarette becomes his crutch. Have him talk to his doctor about the medications on the market and I know for me once my doctor put me on mega doses of vitiamin C. In addition when I had the urge I ate an orange instead of smokein a cigarette and it took a little time but it worked. Again it is different for everyone. Hang in there, if he really wants to quit he will but don't let it detroy your marriage or caused trouble and fights. I know you love him and want him in the best of health, trust me, he knows this all to well. Just kindly keep reminding him ONCE IN A WHILE and not every minute or everyday. After a while nagging just makes you mad and you don't want to do something just because someone is pushing you constantly. There are new medications that work for many, there is also patches, gum, hypnosis etc. and a lot of them work, but bottom line he is the one who has to stop the habit. Good Luck to him.

I too am sorry you have decided to let this go. I married a smoker, yes he smoked before we got married and no I don't. I didn't realize how much my house would stink from the smoke. I didn't realize how much my clothes would stink from the smoke. When we bought our first house, I told him that he would have to smoke outside that I didn't want our new house to smell like smoke. He was fine with that. Then, we had our daughter. He promised that he wanted to be around and would quit. He did for about a year. Then he started again. I told him under no circumstances was he smoking around our child. He again understood. We then moved and had our second child. Our scond child had breathing problems and being around someone who smoked was an issue. He quit for a couple of years. Then again, started up again. I was so upset. I found out because I was looking for something in the car and found his pack of cigaretts. Well, I marched myself up to his office and tossed the pack at him. It was the weekend so no one was around. I told him that he knew this was a problem for our son and that I couldn't believe he would do this. So I understand you feeling betrayed. I was not ugly until then. I certainly understood that smoking was a habit and we worked together with his quitting. But when he put our son's health at risk, well... the mama bear came out! I am happy to say he has been smoke free for over 10 years! He wanted to be around for me and the kids and I love him all the more for doing this for him and us. Just talk to him. Let him know how you feel. Don't be ugly, just tell him that you don't want to raise this child alone! Good luck!

well you know what it is like to quit, HARD!! I don't think that putting the pic was a good idea, too emotionally charged you know? Try not to feel betrayed, this is a problem he has, it's not about you. I heard once that nicotine is more addictive than heroine. As long as he isn't smoking in the house, washes his hands before handling your daughter, puts a receiving blanket on his shoulder when holding her, she should be perfectly safe from any nicotine transference from his clothes or skin. Then just be there for him and support him as he works this out. Like me, since I have had a couple kids I struggle with my weight. Even though my hubby is a man and I know that he likes me skinnier, he never makes comments to make me feel bad and he would never find some ice cream in the fridge and stick a picture of a pig on it or something similar. That would crush me and I would feel judged. But he does support my efforts to get the weight off and when I struggle doesn't say much. I know this is a deadly habit but he will only quit when he wants to and when he is ready and able. Hang in there and try not to make it about you and your daughter bc that will probably only make him feel more guilty and stressed out and and more inclined to smoke due to already feeling like a failure. Just talk to him about being careful around your daughter when it comes to nicotine and listen to him about his struggle. Good luck, I know it's rough!! I hope he can kick the habit soon for his own health:)

My husband smokes one or two cigarettes at work, but we have an agreement NEVER at home, NEVER around our son and NEVER within a couple hours of seeing our son.
Come to a compromise with your husband. If he can't or doesn't want to quit right now, then a compromise such as the one I have with my husband will help a lot, and hopefully give you hope and help you feel better.
Cigarettes are tough to quite, but I totally agree with the picture in the pack for added incentive! :)

Updated

My husband smokes one or two cigarettes at work, but we have an agreement NEVER at home, NEVER around our son and NEVER within a couple hours of seeing our son.
Come to a compromise with your husband. If he can't or doesn't want to quit right now, then a compromise such as the one I have with my husband will help a lot, and hopefully give you hope and help you feel better.
Cigarettes are tough to quit, but I totally agree with the picture in the pack for added incentive! :)

I think you should be more understanding and help him instead of making him feel worse about it. He is obviously having trouble with it. I tried to quit for years and then before I got married, I quit cold turkey. Some people however have a much harder time with it. My grandmother had lung cancer twice and still smoked. The second time killed her. My Aunt has had bypass surgery and still smokes against her doctors orders. Instead of restricting him completely let, maybe work out a deal that he can have one a day or however much he needs at first and then gradually take away one a week. Good Luck to you and him both. Nicotine is one if not the most addictive thing on Earth.

Well, I don't mean this in a negative way, per se, but I think taping the photo to the ciggarettes may've been a bit immature but I think I probably would've done the same thing. I would just let him know you heard him packing the ciggarettes & just ask him to be honest w/you. My hubby, when we were dating, would do the same thing...sneaking around w/it. Just make sure he doesn't smoke in the house or near you & baby & make sure he thoroughly airs out before coming in...even if he has to stand in front of a fan or a/c to 'air out'. You & especially baby, do not need to be exposed to that. I saw on Dr. Oz just the other day where he was saying it comes in on a smoker's clothes & if the baby is picked up/held, they breath that layer of smoke when they're next to the clothing so just let him know that's not healthy for any of you to be around. Try to be supportive but also let him know that being 'stressed' at work is only an excuse. If he REALLY wants to quit, he will. Good luck!!

I completely understand how you feel!!! I've been there. Why don't you have a talk with him and suggest that he get some help. My hubby has been trying to quit for years. He started taking Chantix and it has done the trick. It's not cheap but it's worth it!!!!! $120/mo. You can find a $30 coupon online. You are supposed to take it for 3 mos, I think but 1 month did the trick for him.

I am so sad at how these people have responded and that your decision has been to let it go. Smoking is a BIG deal, especially when you have a child. I know smoking can be immeasurably difficult to overcome (my brother has been struggling with it for about 10 years now). I think you have to focus on making sure your daughter's environment is safe as opposed to making him quit. You need to lay down the law regarding what you will allow - no smoking at home, never around the baby, maybe even showering when he comes home if he's been smoking. Not buying a pack would be nice, but it is not critical; not smoking at home is critical. Keep the rules down to what you're willing to fight for. (I love the picture on the cigarette pack, but I think that is too far.) It is going to put a strain on your relationship, but here's the thing - are you willing to let your daughter get cancer? That is not an exaggeration. Your husband is putting your child at risk. He is really the one putting the strain on your relationship, not you. Please stand up for your child. I think by putting the focus on your daughter, you are showing compassion for him that it is difficult - he can have set backs, just not at home and not at the expense of your baby. I wish you the best; this is a very difficult situation to deal with. It is up to you, though. He's fighting an addiction and your baby can't fight for herself.

Did he start smoking after you were married or did you marry him knowing he was a smoker? Do you really want to add to the stress he's already going through while trying to quit? While there are many things on the market that are supposed to help with smoking cessation, there's a psycological addiction as well as a physical one so the "helps" will not always work long.
You can help by being supportive instead attacking back in an attempt to make him feel guilty. As long as he doing his smoking outside & away from baby, grit your teeth & be nice. I'm speaking from experience as a smoker that has quit a dozen times or more in my life while trying to be a working mom of 4 beautiful children that have given me 5 grandchildren.

No don't let it slide. Funny how the responses took the picture on the pack of cigarettes. I thought it was a nonconfrontational way to remind him how important he. Others felt it was mean and suggested he did not love his family. You know best how he will respond. He does have some guilt though if he is hiding it from you. You do do need to talk to him, supportively and seriously. Work on this TOGETHER.

I know this is hard on you. The statistics show that exposure to cigarette smoke, even second-hand smoke, can harm young children.

You have spoken of your husband's stressful job. Making a compromise like allowing him to smoke but only outdoors and always away from your daughter.

I guess I'm sensitive to this because of my own current high stress level. Helping your husband get his stress level down first can be just a great help to get him to calm down at home and be open to cooperation, not to mention _caring_ about the health of your daughter!

Best of luck to all of you.