Sleeping Wars

my daughter is a year old and is awake in the middle of most nights. for one she's thirsty and feeling cold or alone. so after a diaper change, and bottle sometimes i put the radio on low and just go back to bed. she still might cry for a few minutes but she has learned that THATS IT! i'm going back to bed and she usually gives up and goes back to sleep.
i hope that helps
michele in oregon

When my girl was 18 months old we got her a "big girl bed." she helped to choose it and set it up and put her things on it. It made the difference between wanting to be with us or sleeping in her very own "big girl bed" because she "is(was) a big girl now." We would also spend time with her when she was in her bed.

Hi Rebekah! Your boy is still *so* little! He is reaching out to your for closeness and connection, just what he needs at his age. I would highly recommend co-sleeping, with no pressure on him whatsoever to move out of your bed until *he* is ready. If that really crosses boundaries you have, then I suggest figuring out what your needs are, what his needs are, what the boundaries are (and why they are there, and if you are willing to change them), and try thinking outside the box to find a solution that works for everyone. If you choose to co-sleep, he will find the comfort and nurturing that he needs by being close to you, touching your skin, feeling your warm breath, listening to your heart beat, and you will be able to stay put and get some rest. We live in a culture that seems to place more importance on growing up and moving on, setting limits, keeping children "in their place", than it does on being present with our children right where they are, right now, and honoring the inherent wisdom they bring into the world. He won't be little for long, and before you know it, he will be asserting his independence more and more. It's up to you to fill his cup with all of the comfort, connection, love and joy he needs to feel whole and well when it is time for him to go forth on his own. My advice is to find ways to meet your needs of getting more rest, while also meeting his needs of closeness and security. His need to be near you during the night is so normal and natural at this age. It's only a fight if *you* fight it. Remember that each child is different, there is no one *right* way to do this. The right way for you is the way that works for your family, that feels good to *ALL* of you. Work with the flow, not against it. I shudder to think of placing barriers between a mother and her child, when he is clearly showing you what he needs. The more barriers you put up now, the harder to break them down later. You talked about war in your post. We shouldn't be at war with our little ones! We should be looking for ways to meet our children where they are, not expect them to be on a schedule that is outside of their abilities and needs. There are ways to meet everyone's needs that work for all, that bring joy and love into our hearts. It may take some creative thinking, but it is possible! There can be no joy in war! Open to him as a flower opens to the sun. Trust your heart, and trust in his wisdom. Blessings and best wishes!

You're actually kind of lucky that he comes and wakes you up. When my son went through this stage, he considered it the perfect opportunity to explore and destroy the house!

What I did with my son was to secure his door so he couldn't get out of his room until his dad or I came to get him. I was less concerned about my lack of sleep and WAY more concerned about the fact that my toddler had essentially free roam of the house while I could be asleep. It terrified me to think of what he could have done - so I made certain he couldn't leave his bedroom unless I was available to supervise him.

HI R.,
I have heard they make canopy tops for crips so they can't get out. Short on time. WIll email more.
B.

I would go back to the crib and add a crib tent for safety. He may not be ready for a "big boy" bed yet. I tried 3-4 different occasions over several months before my DS stayed in bed. I still have a playpen set up for those nights he just won't go to bed. He knows that he gets 2 chances... then he sleeps in the "baby bed". Of course, he never climbed out of his crib... Hope this helps.

maybe try putting a gate in his doorway so that he does not get to leave his room at night and put him back to bed the first time and then the next time let him cry it out a little and if it happens again let him cry it out even longer and so on. good luck

He clearly likes sleeping with you. Why not just welcome him into your bed? Then everyone gets to sleep! He is probably pushing it because he senses rejection from you. It is so much better to bond with your child and honor his needs (from birth and always) then to force him to be independent before he is ready. In a few years he will bond with his peers and reject you and that's ultimately not what you want!

If you don't have room in your bed, at least let him sleep on the floor. Make a little sleeping area for him. If you have a king sized bed though, let him join you! He will be a happier child (days & nights) if you simply meet his needs like this.

Just a quick thougth - 18 months is awfully young to be in a toddler bed. You can buy crib tents to keep your child from getting out of the crib. My sister had a problem with her child climbing out and this completely solved it. Good luck!

My advice is to keep putting him back to bed and then make him fall back asleep by himself. He needs to work on putting himself back to sleep rather than having you help him. He might cry for a while, and you have to be ok with this for it to work. If he cries, pick a designated amount of time to go and comfort him--like after 10 minutes of crying. Rub his back, assure him that you are still there and then leave the room. Not everyone can do this or feel confortable with this, so you really have to be ok with letting him cry. Does he have a favorite blanket or cuddle toy to comfort him? That always worked with my kids.

R.~
We just went through something similar with our daughter. She is now sleeping all night in her own bed (yeah!). This is what works for us, first we put her sleeping bag on the floor next to our bed. She slept there for about a week, then we moved the sleeping bag to the hallway, and eventaully into her room. Now when she has a nightmare, or something like that and wants to sleep with us, I let her come in our bed for a few cuddles, and then it is either off to her sleeping bag on the floor, or her own bed. Depending on how she is feeling she usually goes back to her bed on her own.
I think the sleeping bag on the floor next to mommy and daddy is a good compromise for sleeping with mommy and daddy. Different ways work for different people though. I hope that you are able to find a solution. Best of luck!
T. S.

I recommend putting up a baby gate in his door way. They make some that are very tall, or you could put up two. Just make sure that you put the bar on the outside so he can't use it to climb up the gates. He will get up less often if he can't get the satisfaction of getting you to come to him. Don't go to him unless you have to. Leave him to call for you from his gate and just hollar to him "go back to bed sweety, mommy is sleeping". It is just a big game right now, and you need to take the fun out of it.

An episode of one of those british nanny shows comes to mind. One couple had a toddler who would not stay in bed, and she had them simply put the child to bed without saying a word and without staying until they went back to sleep. I think that it sends the message that "I'm not going to give you any extra attention right now because it is sleeping time & you need to be in your bed asleep." It may still take multiple times a night, but if you do not say anything & allow your little one to fall asleep on his own, he may catch on. It's just a thought! Good luck!
~H.

When we converted our sons crib to a toddler bed we used a gate and he would stand at the gate until he fell asleep on the floor (I think he did this because he could see us walking by now and then). We finally bought safety door knob covers (only a few dollars in the baby safety section at target) and they keep him from being able to open the door but parents can do it easily. We put one on the inside of the door and after one night he didn't even try anymore to open his door and actually stayed in bed all night. This worked great for us and only costs about $3.

Hello R.
We had the same problem 32 years ago, I'm sure it will still work.

1. Close his bedroom door
2. Or, put up a gate in the door frame.

He will cry for awhile, however, do not go in there, eventually they will fall on the floor and go to sleep or maybe go back to their bed. We had a mattress on the floor since we did not have a todler bed at the time but freaked out when we saw him "jump" out of the crib and then he just walked out! We put up the gate.

There are lots of cute sheet sets for toddler beds. Maybe if you picked something that he really likes you could coax him that way. Or maybe try putting the mattress on the floor for a while. My son went through a stage where he wanted to sleep on the floor. Maybe if you take the toddler bed out of the equation you'll have more luck. Hope it gets better soon!

I had that same situation with my oldest once we converted his crib into a toddler bed. I found it better for everyone to just end up having him co-sleep with us and once he was really good and asleep, I would take him and put him back in his bed. Once he got the hint that this was his 'BIG BOY BED', everything started to fall into place with his sleeping habits. And yes you will probably experience him coming into your bed at times even after he starts staying asleep in his bed, but it's better to let this happen than to not sleep and to fight with him. Its a phase that they go through. Good luck on the transitioning period.

we moved my daughter to a "big girl bed" at about 16months and i just knew it would be a nightmare. at first it was. we put up a gate at her door and when it is time to go to bed we change her and tuck her in and put up the gate and turn off the light. (the gate is down during non-sleeping hours) sometimes she will get up to get a toy are wonder around her room. i used to fight this until i realized that she will crawl back into bed and go to sleep in half an hour if i leave her be. if she wakes up in the night she finds her binky and puts herself back to sleep. (unless there was a serious prob) If the gate is not up then she definately comes out but if it is up she seems to know that this is night night time. -not sure if it will help but i hope it does.

I have two girls 4 and 2. One did exactly what you're describing.... It sounds like you are doing the right things it just takes time and alot of lost sleep. Ava got down the big girl bed in about a month, on the other hand Amelia took well over six weeks and still joins us in the wee am hours of the morning just before the alarm goes off. For a total of 3 months!!! However the 5-10 times a night was just under 2 months. We just kept walking her back to bed and hoping her sister wouldn't hear the commotion an join the "party"! We got so fed up we have been sleeping them in the same room with the same bedtimes and only one book routine and it has been remarkably sucessful, less the early morning visits. Hope you find this helpful. Good Luck! A.

My two cents is put up a gate. thats how we stopped that from happening. now if he does venture in its usually early in the morning after his dad has left for work and i dont mind the company in bed so i just leave him but it was the only way we figured he would learn where his limits were at night.

Try making him a nest on your bedroom floor. He can come into your room if he gets scared but to not climb into bed with you. He can use the blankets and pillow on the floor of your room. That way he's near you but not disturbing your sleep.

R.,
I am a mom of 4 kids. I have been a stay home mom with the younger 3. What a difference for us all. I know it is difficult when you have to be at work in the morning after taking care of someone all through the night.(I used to work full time out of the house) My youngest is almost 3 and mostly sleeps through the night. By my experience: first recognize, friends, jobs, and stresses will come and go, but theses youngsters moments with you will be memories for ever. How ever you handle things now will make a difference later in their lives and yours. Be patient, be loving and this too shall pass. My advice to you is to either choose to do the walk at night, make a little space for your babe next to you or temporarily on the floor next to you or invest in that "nice" twin side bed now for your your comfort as you share those sleepless moments together. Good luck! And remember, they are only little once.
D. D

I have a friend who reassembled her toddler beds to a crib and purchased a crib tent after her daughter tried to give up naps at just under age 2, but she could tell she still needed one. Her daughter now still naps at age 3 1/2. She swears by the crib tent as saving her sanity. http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId...