Sleeping Arangements - Ellwood City,PA

Hi L.,

I think the question I would put to you--if you were a friend, asking me for advice-- would be simply "Is your son capable of sleeping by himself?" If the answer was Yes, then I would likely ask you about this statement:"I know where he is and how he is doing, therefore I sleep better." Perhaps it's a benign statement on your part, but I would wonder if there is some anxiety on your part when he's away from you at night, and if so, why-- and what you might do to keep him safe, contained and comfortable so you can sleep well when he's in his own room. (For example, we have a swinging safety gate at the end of the hallway which we close at night; I would wake up if he were trying to open it.)

Those are the two parts I would focus on first. In our culture, yes, bedsharing at this age is rather atypical, and I can understand the concern of your boyfriend's parents. Not that this is a wholly bad thing to be close with our children, however, they should be able to be comfortable separate from us, and we should be comfortable when separated from them.

I do think your concern about your son wanting nothing to do with you in a couple of years is not what I have typically seen from the boys I have cared for and observed, both as a nanny and in my family. Connections are what you make of them. My nephews have all been in their own beds since they were babies and they are all very close to their moms (my sisters) and affectionate in the ways they are comfortable with. Not every kid likes lots of hugs and kisses, but this is more about their temperament, not the parenting.

I would encourage you to separate the co-sleeping issue from the boyfriend issue, being that I wouldn't justify the cosleeping with 'my boyfriend's not there anyway'. I do think that if you are in a relationship with your child's father, that does need work if you are to stay under the same roof. That said, I also think that at five, it would be good for your son's development to have some healthy separation. Please know that I am not against cosleeping--- I coslept with our son until he was three, and after that he slept on our floor on a futon for nearly a year until we moved him into his own room. It took a while for him to get used to it, but we were firm that he was old enough to sleep alone. He's five now and we still make sure he gets lots of snuggles and cuddles from us; he loves for us to snuggle up with him in his own bed in the mornings, now. Attachment isn't about where you sleep, it's about how you parent during the waking hours.

Best of luck.

I think the biggest issue here is you and your husband (BF) not sleeping in the same bed. I truly believe that is what needs fixing here, not the 5 year old sleep pattern.

If BF doesn't like the bed, get one that he does like.

If BF sleeps with too many covers, get separate covers for each of you. Put a warming pad on his side and not yours. Make the bed both HIS and HERS. Do this together. Your emotional and sex lives will benefit tremendously from sleeping together. Research has proven this. Couples need to be near one another.

If BF doesn't like to cuddle, get a King bed so he can have space to sleep and hopefully over time you can both learn to cuddle in a way that is loving and fulfilling for each of you.

I figure, if you don't do this in a couple of years you won't have interested in-laws or a BF and your son will be going back and forth between two homes, and you'll be writing to us about regression, like peeing in the bed and unable to attend sleepovers because he's wearing pull-ups again.

Yes, I concur, that this current sleeping arrangement is 'working' for you. But I would ask that you seriously consider your temporary definition of what is working versus your future definition of what is working. Your son's future and your BF future and where is this current sleeping arrangement leading? Unless of course you want to spend the rest of your life sleeping with your son.

" My bf is not really into the whole cuddling thing." So, are you are using your son to compensate for that? Are you substituting the closeness you lack with your partner, with your son? If so, that's a problem in a multitude of ways. That will take a lot of soul searching on your part. Is your son capable of sleeping on his own? If not, I think this is a really good time to gently force the issue. He is getting to the age of sleepovers and the like. I don't think the kid who has to leave, because he can't sleep with mommy ever feels good about themselves. A five year old should really be capable of sleeping in his own bed, if needed.

If this is nothing other then he's sleeping with you "because," I don't see an issue with that. It's really none of their business, anyway. With that said, it seems like this might be an emotional crutch for you. IF it is, that's so not healthy and unfair to your son.

If his family is pushing this it makes me wonder if BF has expressed to them his desire to share a bed with you but has not told you because he does not want you to feel badly that he can't because your son is still there. Honestly at age 5, IMO the child should be sleeping in his own bed, but thats just my opinion.

My daughter slept with me most nights when she was 5 and it was no one's business at all. She still occasionally sleeps with me. It is your, and his dad's, choice where you all sleep. Kids who sleep with their parents are no more dependent/independent than those who don't.

I'd have a standard answer ready for when anyone is intruding on your choices, like: "It works for us."

As long as your son is in the bed you will not be able to work on the relationship with his father ie. get him back into your bed.

It is true that your sons friends would only know he sleeps with you if he tells them, but five year olds aren't so good at keeping secrets.

I would work on getting you son to sleep in his own bed and the dad in his own bed.

ETA: Kids DO talk about these things. My seven year old had a friend over today. The friend asked why my sons bed was so messy. My son said it was because he slept on the sofa last night, and had taken his blankets off his bed to sleep on the sofa, and didn't know how to make his bed again.

You do need to start encouraging his independence and having him sleep in his own room. BUT you don't have to make him fall asleep himself just yet. I cuddle with mine till he falls asleep. I'm going to start weaning off that, but I will still sit in his room with my Ipad and work or read till he falls asleep because I like the "us" time.

Your BF's parents are not happy with the situation, but it's not their issue. Don't substitute your son for your BF. You guys need to fix your relationship, or at least deal with it, for your son's sake as well as your own. Kids are like radar dishes - they pick up when things aren't working.

Good luck.

Not good in so many ways. It's easy to slip into this pattern but you must not put your relationship in danger. You are in danger of messing with little one's head and substituting your little ones affection for the adult affection you need. I don't mean physically but emotionally. Change this dynamic while you can.

The time for your kid to stop sleeping with you is when it makes him or you uncomfortable. Grandparents need to butt out and STFU.

If everyone in your household is happy with the sleeping arrangements and everyone sleeps well and is healthy emotionally, then there is no need to change it to satisfy someone outside your home, that would be silly.

HOWEVER, if you can not adamantly answer yes to all those things, then you should probably reevaluate things.

It could be a lot easier to make a change than you think...tell your son he is growing up and someday will sleep in his own bed. Tell him he can sleep in his own bed anytime he wants to. You might be surprised, he may jump at the chance to show you how grown up he is once he knows it is an acceptable option for him.

I don't think there's anything "wrong" with your son sleeping with you so much as I think that he should be fine sleeping in his own bed and so should you.

When I was married, if my husband went out of town, my kids piled in bed with me. But, they had their own bedrooms and were fine sleeping there.
After my divorce, same thing. Thunder storms, sick kid, or falling asleep watching a movie together in my bed, no problem. Sleeping in their own beds, no problem.

I would venture to say that it's none of your in-laws' business who sleeps where, but I wonder if their concern is fairly founded if they know that you and your son's dad are having relationship issues and he is sleeping on the couch every night. In that case, I'd have to kind of agree with them that your son should have an actual bedroom, not just a playroom, and start getting used to sleeping there.

I think you and your boyfriend should figure out how to get back into the same bed. That is, if you are trying to save your relationship. Why doesn't he like the bed? Too soft? Too hard? That's fixable. As for him liking more blankets, just keep extras folded up in the closet for him to take out and use on his side at night. Okay, maybe he's not the most cuddly person while he sleeps. A lot of people are like that. I don't think cuddling with your child should be a replacement for having your man in your bed. That's just an observation, I don't know that to be the case, I'm just saying.

It's not about anyone making fun of your son. Lots of parents co-sleep. But, you aren't co-sleeping with Dad. Where does dad fit into the equation?
Does he?

Your son is 5. He might think it's really cool to have his own space. Let him help you clean his room so you can teach him about putting his toys away when he's done playing with them. Get him some cool Spiderman sheets and pillow cases for his bed.

It doesn't need to be about your son HAVING to sleep in his own bed, but he should be able and comfortable doing so.

Hopefully, you and your boyfriend can be able and comfortable sleeping together again as well.

Best wishes.

I agree with you. Life is short. Who cares. Kids do not talk about this. They don't really have time. They are too busy playing. Why are all these people involved in this anyway unless your BF is more into the cuddling thing than he wants to admit and is telling everyone. And yes in a couple of years he won't really want to have a whole lot to do with the parents anyway, so when I used to drive my kids around the block to school it didn't matter. One moved about ten hours away from me now and the other one is too busy to say hello or goodbye. Well everyone thought I was nuts, but they aren't you are me and it doesn't much matter them now does it? I have those memories and they don't.

My triplets are 8 and will take turns sleeping with me when Dad is out of town traveling for work on occasion. But they have their own rooms and need to be independent from us. At age 5, they need to learn to be self-confident and independent. I think he needs to be in his own bed. I think him sleeping with you is more for you than for him.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

It is in no way ANY of your boyfriend's parents business where ANYONE in your house sleeps. Even if, as someone has suggested, they are trying to intervene to get you and your boyfriend back in the same bed, it's STILL none of their business.

I don't think five is too old to be in your bed. The idea that kids will "never leave" is BS, and he'll sleep on his own when he's ready. I doubt that other kids will make fun of him, but, if they do and it bothers him, then that might be when he's ready and you can support him in the transition then.

I think some of the things others have said about examining your own motivations for your family's sleeping arrangements are valid, but OTOH your boyfriend back in your bed (to sleep) does not automatically mean your son has to get out of it.

Please do what works for YOU, for YOUR OWN FAMILY'S reasons, not what your in-laws or imaginary kids at school or even people here think is "right."

The ONLY people who are making fun of your son are his grandparents.

Really, kids don't CARE where other kids sleep. It's just not a question kids ask each other.

At least half the kids in his class will be crashing occasionally with parents, and the rest it'll be 50/50 on whether they're full time with parents or on their own.

This is per every elementary teacher I know (about 50 all over the country, 3 family, 4 close friends, the rest homeschool friends -yep- k12 teachers are often the first to HS their kids). It drives a lot of k teachers nuts. Parents ON POINT about nonissues, and class moms even creating issues where none existed to begin with.

In my OWN life: moving every 2 years, hundreds of sleepovers, that holds about steady.

One thing I've noticed is that the more kids on the house, the less likely they are to pile in with their parents. Only children often do until teens. 2-3 kids only occasionally. 4+ kids, nightmares only. Not hard a d fast rules. Just generally speaking.

I've known families whose children slept in their beds for many years, beyond 10yo. They are great families with great children. I say to do whatever works for you and your child(ren). My son co-slept with us (crib in our room) until 16mos, then bed-shared with me (following all safety measures) until 28mos, when he decided he wanted to be on his own. It took about a month to figure out that he needed a full-size bed, instead of a twin (he's all over the place in his sleep), but he hasn't been back since. It was on his own time, much sooner than I expected/hoped.

Friends of ours have 4 children between 6mos and 12yo, who (aside from the baby who's crib is in the master bedroom), all come and go from the master bedroom as they need. They all have their own rooms. The parents know that it will be very soon when the kids will be wanting less of their parents in their life (like you mentioned) and they're okay with that. They are an all-around amazing family.

As far as interfering with couples/parents, we had more sex when my son co-slept and bed-shared. So that isn't the case with us.

I'm sorry the in-laws are being pushy about it. It's none of their business. My in-laws had LOTS of griping about one of his cousin's, who let her daughter sleep in her bed whenever she wanted, until about 13yo. I can't believe anyone was complaining, because the daughter is such a great kid. I mean, it's like they have to FIND something to complain about. blah

5 is when my son made the transition ... he still gets to get cuddly on the weekends if he chooses and his dad and I agree but on school nights he has to be in his bed. My son started school last year with preK at 5 when we made the transition and has been fine with it, he is now 6. I agree that couples need to sleep together - however short periods of time are what they are. Pot calling kettle - right now we do not sleep together b/c I am a mover and a shaker and he is about to have foot surgery ... two things that DO NOT go together. Sadly he has even woken with bruises b/c I actually hit him or kicked him in our sleep - he puts up with a lot to sleep with me lol. Our son is JUST as BAD as I. Just go back and read Mum4ever's b/c that is basically what I was going to say - but she did it already - so I thought I would add my own anticdote (sp) to her perfect response.

I have a cuddly boy too, and he loves sleeping in our bed. However, no one sleeps well when he sleeps with us, including him.

There are a few separate issues here. Plenty of families co-sleep, so if everyone is happy with the sleeping arrangements I don't see the issue. However, if your bf is not sleeping in the bed because your son is or if he could use that as an excuse, I would be wary of the situation. I don't know your bf, but I could see some men being resentful.

Your in-laws need to mind their own business. Imo, There's nothing wrong with your son sleeping in your bed, again, as long as everyone sleeps well.