Six Year Old Issues...

yes those are all common things but if you don't address them then they get worse, if you address them they can be a short phase instead of a way of life

one thing I always tell my daycare parents is to read The 5 Love Languages for Children. It is written by ministers but even if you aren't religious it is a good reference and gives you sound advice.

I guess you have to choose your battles. You can't fight every single infraction and need to let kids work some of it out for themselves.

And I agree with you that there's a difference between seeing behavior as common at a certain age, and allowing it to continue. They do it, not because they are evil, but because they don't know any better or because they get a pay-off for it, or both.

Some things you can let them grow out of. But other things require your intervention, and your daughter's need to get her own way right away all the time is a problem. So perhaps you choose 2 things to work on within the family - privacy/door opening, and hitting her siblings or others. Those have to have immediate and unpleasant consequences for her - and apologizing isn't one of them. First of all, kids this age aren't really sorry a lot of the time, so an apology is perceived by them as a "do-over" - something that makes their prior action acceptable or at least nullified. So if you make her apologize to the sibling she hits, or to you for opening the door, it a) gives her all the attention and b) doesn't stop the behavior the next time. So immediate and negative consequences, with zero attention, might be more effective especially for someone who wants to be at the center of things. So, even though it's more effort for you, immediately focusing on the child who was hit and banishing her to her room (with as little discussion as possible) might be more effective especially if you do it every time.

I think you did the right thing making her search for the other kid's hat. I think requiring her to apologize probably had some value since it was a public situation and there may have been some expectation on the part of the other family, but as you noticed, it's hard for her and she doesn't really mean it. And she did get a pay-off for it - she wanted more attention, and she got it. So perhaps one opportunity to apologize followed by some isolation/loss of attention might have worked. And if she refused, some increase in the amount of isolation would be effective. Perhaps sitting by herself off to the side, or even in the car, would be effective. She's simply not welcome in the group until she can act more kindly and politely. Now, if she's the type to jump out of a "time out" situation and thus require even more of your attention just to keep her sitting there, then it's not going to work. A lot of people would have paid more attention to the 11 year old at that point, asking more about the hat and what his favorite team is, seeing if he wants to throw a frisbee around, that sort of thing. Sometimes that works great.

But you are wise to notice that she doesn't see the consequences of not being able to go back to Family A's house if she is rude, that she can just go to Family B, C, D, and E the next time. You have to disavow her of that notion immediately. Maybe she has to be taken home immediately, maybe she has to be given a trash bag and sent off on the other side of the fence to pick up any litter, etc. And the answer to requests for stickers or dresses has to be "No, those are for helpful and appreciative family members." The older kids get, the easier it is to defer consequences, but that's a progression, and telling a kid they can't do something next weekend because of an infraction today often doesn't work. I do think some sort of public response is important in a public setting, so a sharply worded "That is simply not acceptable, Susie!" is a start, followed by excluding her from something (making her go last in the buffet line or taking away the chance to play croquet, whatever is going on) lets her know that she cannot be trusted around other people where manners are required. She can always have the opportunity to prove to you that she knows how to behave, and that can be achieved by some private time while she thinks about how she's going to act differently.

Sometimes with oldest kids, there's a certain amount of bossiness and a need to assert their position in the family - and you can't intervene all the time. She may be reacting to the new baby too. Yes, older kids have more responsibilities, but they also have more privileges. Being a role model and not a source of nastiness to her younger sibs should have certain rewards. It's okay to let her do more things than her younger sibs, but if she teases them about it (who got a play date, who got more chocolate), then she's showing that she's not mature enough to have treats/privileges, and I'd tell her so. She gets more when she is kind and when she opts not to hurt someone's feelings.

I have to say that I really appreciate your post. You look at things in a pretty pragmatic way, and there are a lot of moms who think their kids are perfect no matter how obvious that it's not true. (No one's kids are perfect, regardless of what people think...)

Your daughter is high spirited, and there are a lot of good things about that. But the impulsiveness, the mean spirited and self-centered aspects and lack of empathy is something you have to deal with, no matter what people say about it being normal. Because at a certain point with a certain group of people, it will no longer be normal. Your daughter will end up being a pariah.

I don't think that you are focusing too much on the negative. I think you are looking at a broader picture, and you should be.

Giving her consequences for her behavior is probably the best thing you can do now. If she thinks she can just go to someone else's house, then instead, take your other kids for playdates and don't let her go. Show her that you won't accommodate and enable her behavior. As soon as she behaves badly at someone's house, take her home. Let the other kids stay. Tell her that if she wants to compete with her siblings, then she can behave like them so that she can enjoy herself.

You need real consistency to manage this. It will be hard. But really do it. Later on she will possibly thank you if she has managed to not lose all her friends.

Good luck.

I think her behaviors are age appropriate and I also think you are correct not to use that as an excuse to give her a free pass.

Yes 6-7 year olds don't really understand the concept of empathy. But she is old enough to talk to, so at that age we did a lot of "how would you feel if someone threw your xxx (something important to her) over a fence?" Or whatever. Also try to use more immediate consequences. "They might not invite us again" is not immediate or concrete, try something else related to the action (she takes something from someone else, one of her toys immediately goes into time out).

She won't outgrow it if you ignore it. So keep consistently disciplining (recognizing good behavior as well as consequences for poor behavior) and she'll get there.

Another tip, it works better with my kids if the consequence is immediate, but the discussion happens later when everyone is calm.

Ditto Doris Day and Margie G, both well said!

Lots of great advice from the previous posts. And you sound like an intuitive, level-headed, honest mom who will raise responsible and caring kids.

I would just add: make sure that you are not giving her a lot of attention and question-asking when making her apologize for something. If she throws a kid's hat over the fence, don't spend a lot of time down on your child's eye level, saying things like "why would you do that, honey?" and "you know you need to apologize, don't you?" and "how do you think that made her feel when her cap was taken and then thrown?". That's just the kind of attention that she may be seeking. The apology-demand just gives her more of the spotlight.

Instead, don't discuss it. She sounds bright, and she certainly knows that hitting her siblings and rudely disrupting mama when mama is napping is not appropriate. So don't ever ask "why did you hit your sister?". "Why did you wake me up?" You're just giving her a platform on which to perform.

Simply state in no uncertain terms what she did, what the boundaries are, and then remove your attention from her. "You hit your sister. You know that hitting is not permitted in this family. Now you will leave and go to your room alone while we continue playing (or having ice cream or talking or whatever)." "You were rude to your friend when you threw her hat over that fence. You know that's not how to treat a friend. We will now take you home (in silence) and you will not be invited to other people's homes until you can control your behavior." Make sure you're giving her positive attention (it doesn't have to be heaps of praises) when her behavior is appropriate. Just keep her in the conversation, talk with her, and smile.

I agree with Doris.

Trust your gut. I had one like this. Had less empathy than I would have expected. Didn't show much remorse. Self centered and did things without thinking. Would say "Well I wanted to". My other kids were kind and would feel bad if they did something to trouble someone else. This one seemed not to care.

I was told that it's low social awareness. And it comes. Some kids later than others. And you can help. Modeling what's appropriate. Making them apologize and going through taking responsibility, even if they could care less. Removing them if they can't be respectful - and then they don't get invited/included next time. Essentially, you're going to teach them that - and then kids at school and friends will. So it might as well come from you to start.

Just focus on when they are doing positive kind things. Don't make a big deal but reinforce that with attention.

Good luck :)

You are wonderful to not blame any else---that is rare. With your doing that, she will be okay.

Hello,

I'm casting myself back a few years and agreeing that these behaviors are absolutely age appropriate. However, they are also socially inappropriate. When she engages in this sort of thing, it's most likely to quell anxiety and to get attention (good vs bad attention is completely irrelevant at this age).

She's begging for structure and consistent/predictable outcomes. It sounds like you've got a lot on your plate right now with so many young ones at once. However, setting up a consequence plan, once implemented, will go a long way toward providing her with the boundaries and structure she so needs at this age. It doesn't have to be punitive...I've never gone the spanking route myself (not that I'm judging)...but it does need to be clear and implemented the exact same way every single time.

1. warning -- If you throw that ball one more time you'll go into time out. (specify a place).
2. into timeout for 6 minutes -- explain -- I've put you in time out because you defied me and threw the ball again.
3. 6 minutes later -- you sat through time out because you didn't listen to me and you threw the ball. please apologize and you can get out of time out.
4. she apologizes, you give her a hug and a kiss and move on with your day.

if she tries to skip out of time out...she goes straight back in and the timer gets reset for 6 minutes. I know this sounds like it's a lot. at first it can be but she's clearly very smart and if you establish your authority with consistency and patient resolve, she'll get it really quickly.

on the positive?? catch her doing something good. let's say she helps a sibling get dressed or clears someone else's dishes. that's when the immediate consequence is positive. she's always asking for stuff??? go get a bin and fill it with stuff just for her and when you catch her doing something positive.........she can pick something out for herself...gotta love those dollar store stickers. :-)

I have to agree with the other moms when I tell you your insight is impressive and your understanding that you're raising a person here and not just a kid is also to be commended. Hardest job in the world for sure.

good luck and be sure to give her that one to one time as much as you can. if you're post partum sleepy maybe she could read you a little dr. Seuss while you snuggle with her and the baby?? :-)!! S.

I think alot of it is totally normal for her age. I also think since she's the oldest, she may be acting out for more attention. .sometimes the older siblings feel like the younger ones get more attention and since she's only 6..can't understand her feelings enough to say what she needs. Maybe it's just an age for testing limits (my boys are 10 yrs apart, so I didn't go through this)...I think at this age all you can do is sit her down and make her see the other side .....that's what I do with mine..put it in terms for her to relate to..like with the hat..use something that is important to her and say what if so and so threw (blank) over the fence...how would you feel.?...etc
Good luck :)

I would try and increase your one-on-one time with her. Also, I'd try and increase your amount of discussions with her to find out how she feels being the oldest, having a new baby at home, life at school, etc. Wish you the best with this!