My daughter has been a strong-willed child from 18 months on and has given her loving parents a run for their money almost everyday. She's a bright, strong girl, but has a sensitive side as well. She acts our constantly..six years old and still having tantrums, still pushing buttons, still testing each request from us. We do our best to remain calm through it all, but my husband has lost it on a number of occasions and yelled. She calls herself "mean" and "bad", even though we don't think of her that way. I have no idea what to do, other than telling her that her "behavior" is wrong, but she's a good little girl who needs to work on self control. Can anyone help me??? I have no idea if there is something else I should be doing. I feel that her self confidence is as risk. We can't help but get angry with the behavior, but I think her spirit is being broken. Or is it all just an act to manipulate us? Please help if you've experience any of this with your kids. Her brother is the exact opposite and tries to please us consistently. He's easy to discipline and kind to others at all times. We treat them equally so I know it's a personality thing, but I also want to minimize any damage to her little spirit as she grows.
I have received WONDERFUL feedback from all of you. I'm practically in tears reading through it. The support and knowing that I'm not alone is such a relief. I've tried Love and Logic and think it is awesome for my little girl, but I'm having a hard time getting my husband to jump on board. I forced him to read the first section and saw a dramatic decrease in her tantrums (and his overreactions), but now he's back to his old routine.. and so is she. When we're empathetic, and calm, but firm with her, she responds with less of a battle. If we give her "some" control over her own actions, she's move willing to help us out too. So, those books are great. I'm thinking of springing for the audio tapes or a video if they have it since I might be able to get through to my husband that way (he's not a reader). If anyone has any idea how to motivate your husband to change their discipline tactics, I'm all ears.
The other thing that some of you mention is the diet/routine angle and I REALLY think you have something there. We have noticed that she is very upset when hungry, tired, or off of our regular routine. Although I'd love to be able to have kids that go with the flow..perhaps it's time to take this more seriously and give it our all in that department. Tackle it from all sides and see about food sensitivities and all. We had her tested for diabetes, but that is really all the doctor was able to rule out. I have issues with low blood sugar, so I have a feeling she does too. I always have snacks on hand and make sure she eats on time, but perhaps I need to get rid of sugar all together and see if that helps.
I think this will take a lot more time and energy to get "right". I want to thank you all for making me believe that we are doing the right things for her and that my approach with her is just what she needs. I want to support my little girl and definitely want her to keep her spunk and assertiveness, but make sure she's kind and considerate as well. One thing I'd like to add, with a strong-willed child I have noticed that I remember sooo much of her six years. The challenge and drama make for crisp memories of good and bad. It's a beautiful thing. Also, her little bro is not at all neglected. He's my funny little sweetie and I'm blessed to have them both. Thanks for the reminder to make sure he's well cared for too. You all are such a support.
look into "Love and Logic" they have a web-site and several books/ cd's etc. They have helped us.
Good Luck
I have one that still is just like that--now thirty. Your daughter is a strong willed child. She will do wonderful things and push you to the edge many times. I put my daughter in sports from Preschool through High School and that helped a lot. Team and individual. I found the my daughter was also very sensitive. Try to find some reading material. I thing Brazelton has some information.
But putting my daughter in sports so that she was focused and tired at the end of the day was the best thing I did. First swimming and then gymnastics all the way through high school.
Good luck.
PS Don't over look your son. He has need and gifts of his own.
Take a step back and look at why your daughter says these things about herself. She may very well be doing it in reaction to your reactions about her whether you realize it or not. It is of course also very possible that she is using it in a manipulative way but the only way a child can manipulate you is if you allow her to do so. My daughter, almost 6 says similar things and actually has very similar behavior when she is not getting the attention she wants from her bad behavior. I've found that what truly helps in our case is to ignore the behavior at the time it is going on but when she is calm and no longer in a mood to talk with her about why she thinks she says such things. It has been proven in our case that she is imitating something she saw or in her mind feels that acting out in that way will get her what she wants. We've then let her pick her own punishment. In that way she is realizing what she is doing and she is holding herself accountable for her behavior. Oh, no we don't let her punish herself too severely or lightly. Sounds odd that we give her that power but as you know as a parent we always have the final say.
Heather,
I do not have any experience with 6 yr old girls, so I do not know about manipulating (yet) but if you are worried about her low self esteem you could always bump up the praises when she is being good. It never hurts to point out how proud of her you are and what a sweet kid she is growing up to be!
K.
I am in a VERY similar situation. I have a 4.5 year old daughter who borders on OCD (like her mom) and a 2 year old mellow to the max son. Its VERY difficult at times. I know when I lose my tempter and raise my voice, she always asks, "why you not mad at bubba?". it tears me apart inside. I have to explain that I am not "mad" at her either that I am frustrated with her behavior and that brother is minding and she isnt...even over brushing teeth! He will put the toothbrush in start scrubbing, while sister argues over how much toothpaste is on the brush and there isnt enough water and her hair isnt right and and and...(that was this mornings battle anyway :). there will be several more today I am sure. I think that if I read your situation correctly, maybe you need to look at how much you are praising her good behavior vs. bad...sometimes I get caught up in all the negative behavior that I forget about the good things...even the simple, "wow, you did so good putting on your shoes"...I am not trying to say that you dont praise your child, but I know for myself when my daughter starts saying things like that, that i have to be more consious of the possitive reccognition as well, especially when you have another child that just goes with the flow on everything...Best of luck to you and if you ever want to vent or compare situations send me an email. I know the frustrations...also, there is no perminent solution to a strong willed child, that I have found anyway...we just have to do our best to control the situations. :)
You might read some Lori Lite books with her or get some of the cds. We have "The Angry Octopus" and "Boy and a Bear" but I think she has some focused on self-esteem. My daughter is almost 3 so I don't know about age appropriateness.
Right now my husband and I are reading "Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman and it seems very good. Also, Naomi Aldort has some conference calls that you can listen to on parenting... Not sure if this is helpful at all bc it requires you to take another step versus having a quick fix for you.
Good luck!
That could have been my daughter you were talking about starting at age 2 1/2. She is now nine, and I would say that we are starting to see a difference in her behavior.
You name it and we have done it or read about it etc.
For us, it has been working with the food sensitivities: sugar, gluten, dairy, being on a reqular schedule with sleeping and meals at the same time each day, and learning how to help her learn how to self -regulate, along with various body work, especially cranial sacral. Finally, the
glue that kind of holds everything together is the work with an occupational therapist, whose focus is Sensory Processing and helping kids with sensitive nervous systems.
Most people don't get that it is not a discipline problem. If you were working on the above, I know that you would see that it is not about attention or behavior. My daughter would be in tears, because she couldn't help herself when she would overreact. I started to realize that she could stay in time out the rest of her life and that was not the issue. Now, she is starting to be able to self manage & self requlate her energy, her reactions, her emotions and as we all work together in helping to learn what her nervous system needs, it is much easier to see what is overload and what is being a 9 year old. Most doctors, teachers and parents don't seem to know about the above combination. If this speaks to you, come to a free parent group run gathering held at Advanced Pediatrics in Portand ###-###-####) the first Thursday of the month and in Vancouver the third Tuesday of the month. We have been blessed to be able to find therapies that worked. If we had only focused on the behavior, I think things would be really challenging and getting worse instead of better. I hope that you will be able to find what works for your family with good sucess.
I recommend you check out the book Discover your Children's Gifts by Don and Katie Fortune. You won't have to read the whole book, but take the test to learn about your child's gifts and personality, and then read the section that corresponds to learn about her and how best to deal with her. It gave me amazing insight into my kids.
I agree with the other posts that you are doing what you can with a strong willed little girl. The "Love and Logic" books are helpful.
One thing my husband and I (who both work with children, he works with kids with high emotional needs) try to do is NEVER use the words "bad" or "mean" etc. Like you, we talk about the behavior, not the kid, but we try to use words like "appropriate" "friendly", etc. For example, if our daughter is starting to act out in a negative way our comment might be something like, "that's not very friendly behavior, is there a way you can show us that you can ask for what you want..." you get the idea. We try not to say, "your behavior was bad, but you aren't" (that's just confusing for a kid). Also, praise the heck out of her when she displays the positive behavior you know she is capable of using.
My cousin who had her firstborn LONG before I did was a social worker when her daughter was born. Her favorite word was "appropriate". She would ask her daughter, "Molly, was that an appropriate choice?" or "What would be the appropriate way to ask your brother for your toy back?" It was wonderful modeling for me as a future parent! It really worked, and it was funny to hear her say things like, "Mom, that is not appropriate" when she was "telling" on her brother ;)
You are doing it right. I have a 7 & a half year old who gives me the same kind of drama. I tell her I want my sweet girl back & none of this rotten behavior. I let her know it is her choice to act out this way & she can make the choice to change & be pleasant. That is why she gets disiplined for bad behavior, to correct it. I am her mom first and if possible(because it's not always) her friend second.
Loceandlogic.com is a great resource.
Yes, they do start manipulation that early.
Keep it up.
You don't say whether you have just put up with her misbehavior or whether you have instituted serious consequences in order to motivate her to learn self-control. (you just say that you try to remain calm.) Usually people (myself included) only learn self-control when the consequence of NOT exercising self-control becomes too painful to make it worth acting out anymore.
If you are serious about consequences, and not using the label "strong willed" as an excuse to allow disobedience or hurtful actions toward others, then her self-condemning words might be manipulative or simply giving in to the temptation of self-pity. In which case, talk about that.
OR, Maybe it's her conscience talking, and she's right. Maybe she is trying to work through awareness that her actions do have negative consequences on other people. Rather than disagree with her, maybe your should encourage her to think through that: "You know, you are kind of mean sometimes. When you do .... that IS bad. I love you no matter what, and so does God, but it IS harmful to other people when you do ...." then say "The good news is, YOU CAN CHANGE. You can learn to do things differently. Dad and I are committed to helping you, and that's why we punish you when you misbehave, but ultimately, you are the one who must make the decision and choose. "
If you have NOT instituted SERIOUS, PAINFUL consequences in order to give her that EXTRA motivation she needs (and her brother apparently doesn't) in order to learn self-control, well that's a different story. You are at fault. Consider her beginnings of self-loathing the fruit of your neglect, and stop indulging her. She will come to hate herself because she's hateFUL. That's only logical.
I really don't get that line of she's a "good little girl who needs to work on self-control". Your daughter probably sees through that, too. How CAN she be a good little girl if she doesn't ACT good? Put her out of her misery, stop lying to her, tell her the truth and train her to be good. Some children need more training to reach the standard. lowering the standard of proper behavior doesn't do them any favors.
Consider getting her tested for nutritional or food sensitivities, perhaps with a naturopathic doctor or MD. I just did this for my 6- year old son because he's been acting out in the last year (defiance etc..), and the results of the test were quite dramatic, though I can't yet speak to benefits of the change in diet since we've just started this process.
Good luck!
oh it must be a tiring struggle. We also have a strong willed child and it is a lot of work. You said that you treat your children equally. I have always felt that children, just like adults have different needs and cant be treated equally, but instead must be treated fairly. I suggest going to a family counsler that can evaulate her and you and give you advise on how to best parent her. I bet she is a bright, lovely little lady that just needs a special touch.
Oh - I also agree with Wenda - tire her out with active things, sports, lessons - give her an outlet. It really does help that my daughter goes to swimming, dance, gymnastics and has a backyard full of active toys.
I know this may sound bizarre - but have you thought about food allergies or sensitivies? Allergies can come out in seriously weird ways - including looking like a kid with ADD or anger problems! I haven't experienced this with kids (yet - I guess I'll see when my kid os older) but I know once I found out all my allergies, and fixed my diet, I was a much more cheerful person, with way more energy - weird how that works! Anyway, something I thought you might want to explore . . . good luck!
