My sister is going through a divorce and I just wanted to get a sanity check as to whether she is appropriately responding to the behavior of her ex. She moved out at the beginning of Sept. and he is still in the home. They have shared custody at this point of their 10-year-old son. The new girlfriend already has clothes in the closet and in the drawers (even tampons in the bathroom if you can believe that!), has slept over when their son was in this house (ex said he slept on the couch and she didn't get out of bed until 11:30 am), decorated the bedroom with candles, etc. The house is a mess, the ex is having friends over to drink, and he is spending all his time with the new woman, even during his time with his son. If you have been in a similar situation, have you tried to enforce rules for responsible behavior for the times your ex is with your kids?
I say give the son a camera or Iphone and have him secretly document the living conditions / partying / etc. You sister will need lots of documentation to prove anything and effectively change anything for the better.
Why did you sister move out first? Why not move back in and have her husband and girlfriend move out? She lost a lot of her rights doing that. Is her name on the deed/lease? She can show up and take over..if he's not violent.
That's the thing about divorce... you lose all semblance of control. Neither X has any right nor ability to say how the other should live. As long as they aren't breaking the law, there is absolutely nothing that can be done EXCEPT:
*Sometimes*, and both have to agree, a stipulation in the parenting plan is that new beauxs/women are *either* not introduced or allowed to cohabitate until they've been dating for 6mo. While the horse is out of the barn on this one... it's possible to add it in for any future girlfriends of her exhusband IF he agrees to it. It does go both ways, however.
Seriously, however... he can keep the kids up to midnight every night he has them... or take them on "forbidden" activities (aka forbidden by mum)... or walk around naked all day eating cheetohs. As long as their child is fed, clothed, taken to school, and not being abused, and not committing crimes... neither has any say whatsoever about what happens during the other parent's time.
Although I can understand how uncomfortable this probably is for your sister...I think everything you have stated just makes your sister sound petty and jealous. Bottom line is your sister is upset at how quickly she has been replaced...
Your sister and her EX are both adults, they each have the right to live their (now separate) lives as they see fit, sorry!
How would your sister feel if the EX were to try and tell her what she can
and can not do in her own house?
I agree with Riley. There really isn't anything your sister can do if nothing illegal is happening with her son present. He's a pig that's for sure but it's not illegal to be a pig.
I can't agree enough with what other posters said about not trying to get info by involving her son. It will hurt him and tear his loyalties and eventually he is going to resent your sister. My parents did it to me my whole life and I HATED it. I think it's appropriate if she tells her son that if he gets uncomfortable with situations at his Dad's he can call Mom and she will help him resolve it (come get him, talk to Dad, etc).
One last thing-Mum4ever: Why would anyone want to have a ten year old child spy on his Dad and report back to Mom? That is such a horrible thing to do to a child.
Anyway,Kelli, I hope the situation with your nephew improves and he is able to enjoy time with his father and your sister has some piece of mind.
I tried to make a big deal out of my ex having women over after we divorced. At the end of the day there is nothing you can do unless a law is being broken. He is an adult and can behave however he likes in his home.
If they are technically still married I think its very inappropriate for him to have a new girl over there especially spending the night. Not too much your sister can do though.
All this since Sept? Yikes.
Who decided on shared custody? Is it a legal thing? If not the son does not go there. There is no enforcing rules for responsible behaviour- I mean think about it, nice idea, but totally un-doable.
Your sister needs to talk to the attorney and get the divorce done, and get all the custody, and this jerk can see his son Sunday afternoon, or something like that. A 10 yr old doesn't need to see this. Any proof will help the attorney.
best, k
She should talk to her Lawyer. She might be able to have a clause put in the decree so that neither can have visitors overnight of the opposite sex that are not family or spouse. It will apply both ways though. But there is a limit to what she can do. She can't control the exes choices. She should document what is going on so she can fight for the right/appropriate amount of visitation for her son if this is an abusive or neglectful situation. She should be careful about putting her son in the middle though. He really shouldn't be put in the position of having to take sides. If he is freely talking about how uncomfortable the situation is and he doesn't like it - that is one thing and understandable. It is another if she is pumping him for details and trying to get dirt on her ex.
Supervised Visitation is what I would reccomend.
Hubby is a dog. You really can't do anything about his behavior, but I would recommend you do not involve the child. And, that being said, I would be absolutely for not having GF over because it would INVOLVE THE CHILD . What is this guy thinking? No bad examples with drinking should be taking place and no GF's over. Tell her to tell ex that no visitation unless he cleans up his act. Eweee. And tell her to tell him to clean the house. It could get so bad that he could not get a good price and she will lose out on what is rightfully hers.
Unfortunately she has no control over what her ex does, however she does have control over what he is happening with her son present. Unfortunately some men think with the wrong head!!!! I wouldn't let my son have any overnight visits right now and if he objects then TOO BAD!! Tell her to make sure her lawyer knows about this so he can document all of this and set legal boundaries now and they can be put in writing so she doesn't have to revisit custody and visitation after the divorce. It is really important to have EVERYTHING in the divorce documents so this way you do not have to go back to the courts, because that can take months to resolve and will cost her alot more money. If he is behaving this way now it is to her advantage to let her lawyer tell her what her rights are as well as her child's rights. Their child is old enough to be effected by all of this and it is important that your sister intervene before this jerk does more damage. Also, how does your sister know all of this? If your sister is asking him PLEASE tell her to be careful what she is asking. If her son is coming to her because he is upset by what he is seeing then of course she has a right to ask questions, and react. Unfortunately because my mom was hurting when divorcing my dad she used to pump me for questions when I would come home from visits so please tell your sister to be careful. I hated it because I knew it hurt my mom and it really made me uncomfortable. Divorce is a very traumatic thing for children and your nephew is at a tough age, so your sister needs to make sure that emotionally he is doing okay. It never hurts to have a child talk to someone (close family member, therapist, etc) other then mom or dad so he can let his feelings out. Good luck to your sister.
She can not control him. All she can do is try to talk to her son so as to mitigate any negative effect his father's behavior may be having on him. I know the girlfriend thing can be a sore subject for the recent ex, and I am sure that is part of her anger with all this, understandably. She must never talk bad about the father, or his girl since this could possibly be a future step mom, but ask the son if there is anything he would like to talk about and if he understands all that is happening. Divorce is so hard on kids. I would strongly recommend she get as child therapist for her son so he has a safe place to vent about all this and morn the loss of his family. Above all, unless he is in real danger or being abused, I would not try to limit his time with his father. He has already lost his family, you do not want him to completely lose his father as well.
sounds like my ex! she needs to talk to her lawyer and something can be done! she can request a 3rd party order till the divorce is done, neither of them would be able to have someone they are involved in around the kids.
