Singled Out/labled in School?

Hi Katrina,
I also work for a school and would suggest that you go beyond the principal if you're not getting a response....

I have gone as far as the Dean of students on my kids behalf. It really sounds like they are not listening. So sad to have to deal with adults acting like that. I think I would at least change schools.

Katrina,
If you feel that changing schools is what is best for your daughter then do it. I however would most likely not, I would just do my best at teaching her to control herself. You said she does well on tests and hopefully school work also so that suggests to me that she is accomplishing her main objective at school...which is learning. I think that all her consequences might just teach her that she has to watch her attitude and treat people and yes certain places with respect, as long as you are not following behind telling her "that's not fair, they are picking on you". Do you coddle her? What actions do you take when she actually does do bad things at school? I am sure your daughter is a perfectly sweet and kindhearted girl but you seem to gloss over the fact that she does (as you admit) Hit, push, shove desks, throw tantrums and scream hysterically...none of which are appropriate behavior for any student at school. I do not doubt that the staff has talked about your daughter, she probably has been labeled as a difficult child and from what you have admitted she has done, she probably is a difficult child. The principal and staff have hundreds of children to watch after and for the most part are there to educate them not so much try to control behavioral issues. You aren't suggesting a big conspiracy with all the staff including the janitor, watching your daughter closely and just waiting to catch her doing anything that can be construde as wrong, just so they can punish her? If you were the mother of the child that got hit instead of the hitter, I think you might see this situation differently. I dont doubt that you want her to feel as if she is being treated fairly and hopefully a change of schools would do that...but if it happens there also, you might have to take a closer look at your daughters actions and not so much the actions of the school staff.

K.

When you get crappy teachers and principals school is a torture chamber. When you get the good teacher you love it and your child thrives. Your daughter isn't getting that. I am with go above their heads. Did you save any of the emails? If not, start doing that. Paper trail or it's their word against yours. Your daughter needs either some kind of service like a 504 plan or an iep. Request an evaluation in writing and with your school I would take it in and have them date stamp it in front of you or send it certified so they have to sign it and you get a receipt. Give a copy to the principal, counselor, and to the school district's special education department and yourself. List all your daughter's behavioral issues. They have to give her an evaluation by law if you ask for it in writing. Even if they don't think she needs anything. They have I think 45 days to have a meeting after they get the letter. It takes a while to set anything up. Like the speech with your son, that is normal, takes awhile for the wheels to turn. Go to wrightslaw.com it has all the laws for special ed. If anything this will bring attention to the fact your daughter is having issues with school. I would call up the district and recite all the bad things that your daughter has been through and say you want to change schools but the principal has blocked you from it previously and you are contacting a lawyer to get this done. Sometimes threats of legal action helps. I have a son with issues and at first when the school wanted to take baby steps and was calling me everyday at work calling sped dept helped me get him the things he needed faster. Good Luck.

I've seen a lot of parents who had children that couldn't adapt to the classroom environment for one reason or another - things you have described, take their children out of public school and home school them.

If I were you, I would either try the second school - insist on it- and if that doesn't work out, go for home schooling - if you are a stay at home mom. When I was 12 myself, I went to one school where EVERYONE picked on me. When I went to a new school, VOILA, no problem. I myself haven't home schooled my children, but I've seen a LOT of parents do it successfully. I would do it myself if I didn't have to work full time. The values as a Christian are much better at home than in the public environment. You can control your environment better for the childrens benefit.

Home schooling gives parents much better options. It allows them to teach the child according to their pace, it opens up often a bigger world, keeps the bullies away, and if the public school system in your area is a mess - that's no longer a problem either. In Washington they have a lot of resources for homeschoolers. I imagine they probably do in Oregon, as well.

I teach piano, and speaking as a professional, if the teacher is losing patience, the TEACHER is being unprofessional and is a problem, NOT the child. I'm lucky. I live in an area in Washington where my youngest child has a lot of the learning issues you are talking about, but the school has handled it like pros - not like a bunch of amateurs. They were very proactive, and put her in special education before I even realized there was a problem. I just wanted to hold her back a year, because of her "immaturity". She has some speech issues, and now is in speech therapy as well.

It looks like you are going to have to fight the school to get what you want. I would also complain to the school board if I were you. In my daughter's school they look at the child's personality and try to fit the proper teacher with the child's personality. You may have to do some research and do that on your own.

God bless. This is a very tricky problem. As I said, LOTS of parents home school because of issues like yours.

Something sounds very, very wrong here. I was brilliant and gifted as a child, but easily upset. No one every stood up for me and I became a reject who spent all my time in books in the library and stopped talking eventually. I was told to calm down, and that I was over reacting, not being lady-like, etc. It did a lot of damage and I grew into a self-loathing teenager who never interacted and shyed away from everyone. Beyond brillian - National Honor's Society, Who's who for American High School Students, The California Golden Seal, but a problem child. My mom would berrate me and ask why I caused all these problems instead of getting me help for my temper. I have since taken classes and undergone a lot of help programs to learn that what I had inside was passion and techniques to stay in control in situations. Have you considered that she may have some severe transition problems? I have problems shutting down when facing huge life changes - with classes I have learned to cope - sometimes it is something that is inherent in the child. She is obviously a beautiful and talented girl who does not deserve to be treated this way, but does need help to learn to cope with these sorts of things. Also if the teachers will not step in then you need a new school. If they deny the transfer inform them you will have an attorney discuss legal repercussions with them. You are your daughters best advocate and defender, and they can not deny the transfer especially with admitted knowledge of other kids tormenting her AND comments that make it sound like she is so discussed. Yes kids misbehave but this is so much more believe you me. The damage lasts a very long time...I hope all goes well!

Katrina,

Get your daughter out of that school as fast as you can. While I was reading your post an incident from my childhood at school floated to the surface. I had just moved, changed schools and became one of the bullied children. One day at recess a playground ball was deliberately thrown at my face and gave me a bloody nose. Instead of disciplining the boy that threw the ball they blamed me for provoking him and made it all my fault. I was eventually run off the playground and not allowed to play with the other kids. Somehow I was labeled as a problem at recess even though I was more often the victim not the bully.

This is where my Mama Bear instincts kick in. Be her advocate and protector, especially if this is isolated to at school and doesn't happen at home. Listen to her and take her seriously when she comes home with these referrals. If she is truly being picked on by the administration get her out.

I don't know about the politics involved, my oldest is in preschool, but I don't understand how School A can prevent you from taking your child out and enrolling her in School B. If she is having problems at School A why make her academic life miserable and give her a bad taste while growing up?

Hope this helps,
Melissa

I am speaking as a parent of a nine year old girl who was diagnosed with Sensory Integration disorder at the age of 9 months and a parent of a "textbook baby" who is four years old and as an ex public school teacher with 13 years of experience. GET THAT KID OUT NOW or her very safety and self esteem are at serious risk!! Your priority is not to give the benefit of the doubt to the school but to put your daughter in the best possible environment. From the incidents you mentioned, I would be surprised if there hasn't already been some serious damage done to your daughter. I'm also surprised that she is still willingly going to school and is still trying to succeed. Believe me, she will not be so "sweet" by junior high if her needs aren't met but will trully be that "Bad Girl" that people already are convinced she is in that school. I homeschool both of my girls and my nine year old is working well above grade level in math, at grade level in language but more importantly, loves learning, her friends and has HAPPY days instead of stressed out days full of judgement and trying to be a square peg in a round hole in a world of strangers. You can homeschool for free with excellent free curricula offered by the state or you can choose your own. There is plenty of support for homeschoolers everywhere along with plenty of healthy socialization. It is the best thing that we have ever done. You may contact me if you want more info.

H.

Dear Katrina,

I am SO sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Both for you and your daughter (and your son for that matter), this is not a good situation, and certainly a tough one to determine the right move moving forward.

I usually try to list the pros and cons of situations to determine what the right move is. Here are my thoughts:

CONS (for moving schools)
1) Moving schools may initially exasperate isolation issues starting her off on the wrong foot again, both in that she will be the “new kid” and more specifically if she’ll be leaving any friends behind that she currently counts on for support at school.
2) Going to a different school may not have a different result.

PROS (for moving schools)
1) From what you described, it definitely sounds like the school itself (more specifically the principal) is the main issue (beyond the first grade teacher that seemed to instigate everything), so keeping her in the situation as is, is not mentally or emotionally healthy for your daughter and would likely impact her for the rest of her life on some level if it continues. It also sounds like you’ve taken many steps to try and work with the school to resolve the problem, and you’re not getting the result you need. Your daughter is counting on you to make the right decision for her and is learning through your actions whether or not to believe in herself (and feel supported) or to accept this behavior from others in her life and make excuses for them.

I don't mean for that to come across so strongly, but it's something important to think about in the plain and simple sense. I really believe that this is something that you already know and that you are already supporting her very much so (I certainly don’t mean to imply anything to the contrary), but sometimes it somehow makes the situation a little clearer when someone else (who isn’t buried in the muck of it all) validates the point clearly, so you can have your energy clearly focused where it should be. (I hope I’m making sense here.)

My advice is that you should document EVERYTHING, starting from the beginning. Try to journal as much detail as you can remember, including dates (or date ranges) and names in each situation, and continue to document events that are currently happening (i.e., the school “forgetting” or not having time for things, which is just showing how they’re prioritizing the issue, situations where she was wrongly accused and the comment that the after school teacher made about what she’d heard about your daughter). You have a good start to it all with what you’ve written above, though I would suggest organizing the information more and trying to exclude any personal emotion as possible (staying with just factual information), unless it pertains directly to your daughters emotional state. I think you’ve done all of what you can do directly with the school and waiting around for them to get their act together much longer is just continuing the damage to your daughter. Everyone has a boss and someone they answer to, so I think that’s your next step, whether you keep your daughter in the school or not (and DEFINITELY so if you are), is to contact that person (the Superintendent) and advise them of the situation (if they don’t already know) and provide them your documentation. Check out this website for helpful advice as well: http://www.greatschools.net/cgi-bin/showarticle/CA/18

Sorry for this information being all jumbled. I usually write much clearer and more organized, but I’m in a bit of a hurry though I wanted to reply to this.

My final words are TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!! You know what's best for your daugher.

I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do!

I am the mother of adult children so my advice is from many years past. Bottom line, take your daughter out of the school today! We had a similar experience with our daughter and a very difficult first grade teacher, wonderful second grade teacher, uncooperative principle, indifferent teachers, etc.

It took us until middle school to convince her that she was a good student, a good person and learning was important AND fun. Middle school provided a change of environment and teachers. We waited too long, don't make our mistake.
PS...she did go on to college and graduate...

You've given the school the benefit of the doubt and they have not done the same for your daughter. The next few years are EXTREMELY volitle years (believe me, I currently have two in that stage and have taught that age group) and she needs some place she feels safe while she goes through the "transition."

You don't trust her current school and they don't respond to you. That's no way to create a positive environment for her.

FIND A NEW SCHOOL! NOW.

Hi Katrina,
I am a teacher and I see several issues here. One is your child's behavior and it seems as though she is not getting the support she should have a school. I am wondering why she doesn't have an IEP or a 504 accomodation plan. She shouldn't be allowed to disrupt class with her behavior, but she should be getting help in learning to change those behaviors and she should have a case manager or advocate at school.
Second, I would be furious if any school staff put their hands on my child. No one should be grabbing her by the arm to take her to the office! If she is out of control and refusing to move when asked then the principal or behavior specialist should be called to deal with it or you should be called to take her home but it is not ok to move her in that way.
I am a big believer in staying and dealing with the issues but it might have gone to far for your daughter and maybe a fresh start in a new place would help. When you visit a school, ask about 504 plans and ask how they deal with behavior issues. Good luck.

One thing that strikes me is that you say you'd like your daughter to be treated with respect and kindness, but you never mentioned anything about your requiring your daughter to be respectful and kind. Saying the words "stupid" and "shut up" to anyone at school, regardless of who they were said to, sounds rude to me. And also, because you have not said anything about what you have done to discipline your daughter to make sure she gets along well and behaves well at school, but rather you paint her as a total innocent victim of labeling, it seems that you are unable to see all sides. You make it sound like the janitor is unfair, two of her teachers are unfair and even the principal is unfair, but you say nothing about your daughter being inappropriate except to say that she misbehaves at times like "any other" kid. Also, I would not take other kids word for things all the time...kids might not want to get on your daughter's bad side, so they are willing to back up your and your daughter's story that she's innocent. I think you should take notice of what all these other adults are saying and make some requirements on your daughter that she shape up, and stop saying rude words and having tantrums at school.

I wish you all the best.

I am an ex teacher and cannot believe the principal behaves with such negative attitude toward your daughter. I think that many of your daughter's problems start there.

And the janitor should be reprimanded for putting his hands on your daughter!

I would change schools. If your principal resists go to the school superintendent, and show him your letter, and express your concerns. Write down as many incidents as you can remember. Then, just ask to change school. For your daughter and son's sakes.

I think your principal had an initial negative experience with your daughter and it's not going to go away.

Interview the school, principal, and teacher that you think you may select. Express what has happened. I am sure the principal with insert her opinion of your child, so you must be sure to counteract it. Don't choose just any school.

I also think your daughter has some special learning needs. As you have described she is a gentle child and works best in a gentle, quite environment. But as she progresses in the school system, it is going to become noisier and you are going to have to prepare he for that. I suggest you up the noise level in your home when she does homework, and assign tasks that are multilevel with no additional directions.

First, the janitor that manhandled your daughter? I would have him for lunch! Starting with his job!!! She was not being violent towards anybody, and no grown man who is not her father, has any business manhandling your daughter in that manor. PERIOD!
Second, either really ride herd on these people, or change school. Don't ever forget, your taxes pay their salaries. Keep moving up the chain of command, ask them to tape the class so that you can see your daughters behavior during class. If they won't, ask them why. I have had personal experience dealing with a school that singled someone out. You have to be a serious tough-a**, stand up for your child, and if you have a really strong friend with a titainium spine? Take her with you!! ( I was that friend...the principle of a elementary school in Boise, would see me coming..and cringe) I noticed it was easier for them to gang up on Mom than to fix the problem. Good luck, keep your head up high, and remember "you pay their salaries" Keep repeating that to yourself and to them.

It sounds to me like you are right on target about preconceived notions about your daughter. It also does not sound like anyone really wants to be helpful or change. I personally think it is interesting that the teacher won't change a decision because she "wasn't there" but will allow the janitor to punish her for something he "didn't hear." Sounds like your daughter will learn tons more if she is in a different school. I am curious what grounds the pricipal had for refusing to let her transfer (especially if she thinks your child is a problem...if so she should want her to leave--maybe she gets good grades and the principle wants to keep her averages up:-)). I would do everything possible to keep the new school from talking to the old one or the problem will just follow her. Burned out/judgemental/rigid teachers are not helpful and can do real damage to your daughter's desire to learn!

S.

I think girls are under identified when it comes to emotional disturbances. I wonder if your daughter may be on the Autism spectrum and that she may have Asperger's? It would explain the flair ups and her difficulty with transitions. Typically, children with AS are very bright, but unidentified will not get the help that they need. I'm surprised by the way the school is handling the situation. I hope you will pursue outside counseling with a person who specializes in the Autism spectrum. Is this a private school? It seems obvious to myself, and a few folks who have written in, your child is in need of an IEP and/or a 504 plan, but first you need to really get clear on what the "problem" that she is living with is.
Good Luck,
Mary
post script
I keep thinking about your email and hearing your distress. I am struggling with this situation. Clearly it's not a happy one for your daughter or you. However, to just assume that it's a school problem is a concern. And all we have to go by is how you are representing the school. I wonder how they would represent themselves? While I know schools aren't perfect, nor the people in them, they also may be trying to work with you and your daughter, they may have made recommendations and you may not be following them. I'm just not ready to jump completely on your side.
Children with behavior problems that are in after school activities can tend to do better in a smaller group, or at home or in a specialized interest after school group. So it's not a clear indicator of the possible help that your daughter and you all need. I sure hope you won't rule out getting some counseling and assessments done outside of the school setting.

I have a son who is 6 and a half. Several things you said about your daughter remind me of things my son is going through. My mom recently bought me a book called 'The explosive child' by Ross Greene. This book has changed my life!

The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children

Your daughter sounds like a sweet girl who most likely has been "labeled". I have been working with my son's teacher, principal, school counselor, and outside counselor on his behavior. Fortunately, they have worked with me as well. I specifically told the principal and his teacher that I am concerned that he will be labeled and his teacher told me that in the beginning he could see that kids seemed to like to try to get him into trouble, but because the teacher didn't feed into it, it has considerably stopped.

This book deals a lot with parenting children who don't transition well or get frustrated easily. Not only kids that "EXPLODE". It talks about learning what "triggers" your child and how to teach them the skills to deal appropriately with the situation.

Good for you for being an advocate for your kids and not let others "label" your daughter. No child is perfect, but no child deserves to take the blame for everything either. I have several friends and family members who think that I am just looking for something to blame for my son's behavior. There is NO excuse for the poor choices they make, but sometimes there is a reason. DON'T stop looking until you find that reason. Your daughter deserves that.

Good luck and feel free to e-mail me if you need anything.

I have to agree with the other poster who said you have done everything to put your child in "victim" mode, yet have not mentioned how saying things like, "shut up" and "that's stupid" are also inappropriate for 9 year olds to say, especially in the context of the situations mentioned due to the fact that "misinterpretation" can occur (as your daughter is claiming it did)...It sounds like you are quick to fault others for your daughter's consequences, but do not want to look into the chance that perhaps YOU aren't getting the whole story from your daughter.

I am a middle school teacher and I understand that certain kids can gain "reputations", but trust me--those kids are not being singled-out because they are perfect angels who have just been "labeled". Most teachers I know judge kids for themselves, not based on a teacher from one or two years previous, as you are claiming.

I do think that your principal sounds lazy or overwhelmed. You should contact your school district administrative offices to find out who HER direct supervisor is. This person does not want to hear that you aren't being dealt with in a timely and satisfactory manner.

A good friend of mine who taught elementary school for many years used to tell her students' parents, "If you believe half of what your student tells you happened at school, I'll believe half of what your student tells me about your home." It was because many home issues and school issues get "lost in translation" so-to-speak, when it's 6, 8, 10 year olds relayng the info. Of course she was kidding to a degree, but it does hold some truth.

Best wishes for you and your family to work things through.

Switch schools. There is no reason for you to feel uncomfortable, or for your daughter to be miserable at school. There are too many different options for your family to continue to struggle along.

It seems to me that you already know what you need/want to do. You truly believe she is being treated unfairly and has been labeled a "bad kid." It sounds like the principle is the biggest culprit of this, and except for going over his/her head, I don't know what more you can do. It disturbs me to think that they would go so far to block the transfer of your daughter. I'm guessing the principle doesn't want to look bad by having you switch schools. Seams to me that the principle is more vested in his/her own career than in the children in the school.

You're also having problems with them helping your son. When he gets a little older, he'll have to deal with living under your daughter's "bad girl" image and might have comments like, "OH! You're ____'s brother," or get treated differently also.

My advice would be to continue to look at new schools to transfer to. Hopefully you'll find a great fit for your family. I think it would be best to get out of the current school. It also wouldn't hurt to get her some counseling outside of school. She might really benefit from talking a few times to someone who's neutral. And, they might give her tools on how to control her emotions more so she doesn't get into this same situation in the new school. :-)

I felt singled out a few times in third grade myself and it was a horrible feeling for a child. I became shy and would do anything to make people think I was nice, to the point of stifling my true self. Do what's best for your child. Does she want to switch schools? If not let them know how SHE feels (and you) and that you hope this unfair discipline can cease. Good luck, go mama!

Hi Katrina,
You didn't tell what state you were from. Also you did not say if your daughter was on an IEP, 504, or IBI. Those are really important factors.
Always go with your gut feeling. Think through the emotional side and then go with the true gut feeling. If your daughters school experiences are horrible now, she will hate school later. There can be legal ramifacations if your daughter is receiving services of some kind. The school has responcibilities. Changing schools probably won't help because it will go on her transcripts and go with her.
You can contact me again if you would like to talk.
Sincerely, C.