Single Parent Dating

Kids need STABILITY and an environment in which they feel safe and valued. Sure, spend time with him hanging out and get to know him well by spending time with him. Spend lots of time with him in varying situations and all, experiencing life together as you are not only choosing a man to share your life with but you are also choosing a father figure for your son. Leave the sleepovers until after the marriage commitment...

J.,

By all means...date date date. Have fun, enjoy being treated like the woman you are. BUT, please...keep your child separate from your "dating life". There's no reason to let them merge, especially after only 2 short months. The beginning is awesome in a relationship, but we all know that it's not "real". It takes time to truly get to know someone. I'm the child of a single mom and I can tell you that it was very very frustrating to see the men come and go. There were never any sleep-overs that I was aware of, but even at 33 years old I still have a hard time meeting the men my mom dates. I've told her at this point that I don't want to meet any more of them until she's serious with them.

I know your son is only 10 months old, but children can get attached to people even at that young age.

In my opinion, date and have fun but keep your son out of it.

Good luck.

T.

Hi J.,
I am a 26 year old single mom to my 6.5 year old son. I have been divorced for four years and have done a bit of dating in that time, and made a few mistakes along the way.

First, let me say congratulations on finding your way back into the dating game. It's kind of scary as a single mom, and some moms choose not to date at all because of their children. I personally don't think that's fair to the mom or the kids.

That being said, two months is really not a very long time. In the beginning of any new relationship, we feel excited and nervous, very giddy. This is the result of increased levels of a neuro-transmitter called dopamine. That increase in dopamine tends to make most people impulsive. We get caught up in the moment, sometimes.

As I said, I have dated a bit since getting a divorce and have also made some mistakes. My first relationship after my divorce ended up being with a close friend. We had always liked each other but had been in other relationships. After I got divorced, he had just come back from a tour in Iraq (US Army), and we both discovered that we were both single, so decided to give a relationship a try. At first, it was great! We spent a lot of time together doing things or just hanging out. My son was two and a half years old, and had been around my friend several times before we started dating. I figured it was okay for my son to be around him while we were dating since he already knew him. That turned out to be a huge mistake - a few months into the relationship we broke up, and my son suffered worse than I did. He had become attached and mourned the separation. We ended up getting back together for awhile, and though I was more careful, my son was still attached. We broke up again for good after a couple of months, and for months afterwards, my son carried a picture of my friend with him. We broke up when he was in Iraq for his second tour, and the picture that my son had was of him in uniform. He even slept with it for awhile, saying that he couldnt wait until he came back from "special work" (thats what we called his deployment). My son is six and a half now and STILL talks about this guy from time to time, though he has not seen him since the breakup, nearly three years ago.

I was in another relationship after that, which lasted about 20 months. This time around, my son had very limited contact (they didn't even meet until we had been together for a little more than 9 months). After they met, my bf would come over during the day on a saturday or sunday afternoon and we'd watch a kid movie or play board games - but that was only about once every 4-6 weeks. My son didn't really get attached to this guy because he was barely around him. If the relationship would have progressed to an engagment or similar committment, I would have let them be around each other regularly, to build a relationship between them. That relationship didn't work out (with opposite work schedules, we only got to see each other once every couple of weeks, which didnt meet our needs as indiviuals, muchless as a couple). My son wasn't really upset when that relationship ended. There were other short term relationships (less than 3 months), and my son never met those men.

Neither of those two men that I had a "serious" relationship with were ever allowed to spend the night if my son was home. They were also not allowed to exhibit any sexual activity - no groping or anything when my son was home. I allowed a kiss or two and a kiss goodbye, because I want my child to know that affection is okay.

Children need stability. Men will come and go, but your child will always be there and need you. You are not dating for just yourself anymore - you also have to consider whether the man you are dating will make a good father figure (and if he's even willing to step up and be a step-parent). Two months really isn't a significant amount of time, and not enough to fully know someone and all of their values, quirks, and personality traits. Ultimately, you will need to do what you feel is best for yourself and your son - but you really do need to give your sons needs a lot of weight, perhaps more than your own.

good luck in wading the waters of dating as a single parent, they can be stormy sometimes.

Dear J.,

I know how you feel. My ex sister in law was seeing a guy for about a month and then she started to let him spend the night. At first he slept on the couch. Then he started staying in her room. My nephew who was 2 at the time started asking questions. They only dated for about 2 months and the guy ended up moving in with her. He used the argument that he was there 5 out of 7 days. Things went great for the first couple of months and now she would rather break up with him but is afraid to confuse her son and now is pregnant.

Now I started to see another guy just recently and when we go out the kids go some where else. My kids have never met him and he doesn't spend the night. For me I like it that way.

I know that your son is a lot younger than our kids, but just incase it doesn't work out it is better to take it slow. I believe if it is meant to be it will be. So if it is really meant to be he will still be there if you take it slow. I wish you all the luck in the world.
B.

my sister in law dates guys here and there and has two kids 7yr girl and 4yr boy. the kids father is not in the picture. I have always told her that there is nothing wrong with dating and tring to find a man that would be a great dad. But she introduces the kids to every single guy she dates......................i think that is soooooooooooo wrong..............I think unless that is a guy that has been and is going to be around for a while, then yes totaly intro the kids to him. But its just not fare that the kids have to see her go threw guy after guy etc.....

In case think about what you want from the relationship with this guy and just always remember to put your baby 1st.....only you know if he is a guy worthy to meet and be a part of your little guys life.

I hope things work out for you and that this is a guy that can make you and the baby happy...

Hi J.

it's great that you are dating again just take your time relationship are hard when you are starting over sleep overs just take it slow and don't let him move in to soon and two he should know you are mami first

I'm a single mom myself...and so was my mother. So I have two viewpoints on it. My mom dated a lot when I was growing up. She introduced me to most of them men she dated. I don't think I am horribly screwed up and I certainly don't think that she was a being selfish in the way she handled things. She would always introduce the guy as a friend. Children understand that concept. She was very cautious however. She always made sure I knew the boundaries with the person to prevent confusion on my part and the same for them. i.e. not thinking every one of them was a potential daddy. I think you have to use a lot of tact and er on the side of caution. Congratulations on getting out there and dating. I think the most important thing you can do is pay attention to the cues your son gives off. If you feel he is developing to close of a bond with someone it might be time to back off a little...only you really know what is right for your child. And if you are very honest with him (I know he is only 10 mnths. but when he gets older it will be important) it will work to your benefit. Communication is really key.

I'm going to assume that this is the first time you've done the whole dating thing while being a mommy. You are no longer in a position where your dating decisions only affect you - they also affect your son, so you have to be so much more careful now that you're involving someone else.

While 2 months of dating in your pre-mommy stage may seem like a long time, I have a hard time believing that 2 months is a sufficient amount of time to learn enough about a dating partner to determine if this is someone who can and will be able to step up as a father to your son. As another poster wrote, stability is so important in your child's life. You need to do lots of "just hanging out" and hold off on the "sleepovers with the baby". If he is a man of integrity and value, he'll understand. You don't want to turn your bedroom door into a revolving door of men who will do little but confuse your child and cause him to go through attachment/detachment issues.

Hi J.,

I am a divorced mother of 3 children and I am 29 years old. From one mom to another, introduce your child when you and the guy you are dating have both agreed to be working towards marriage. You do not want you child seeing someone coming and going. J. you need to decide if you are dating for casual or long term. Before you start introducing a man into your child's life you need to decide what you are looking for and what you are expecting out of the relationship.

I met a guy I started dating in March, I told him what was looking for an expected out of the relationship. The guy said he was looking for the same things. We proceed to date up until weeks ago when the real him started sliding out. It takes time to get to know a person so take your time and hold high standards towards what you want out of the relationship.

I hope this helps some.

Good luck and be patient.

Lauren

I tend to agree with what was previously said. Security is what is needed. You can spend time. Think of it as setting an example. If you were in your bb's shoes, what would you want? Personally, I would want an example set my for my son....that is what I did with my 3 boys. That is what I will continue to do with them.

Yeah, I agree with all the other moms about stability. My situation is a little differant, My daughters father and I grew up together and were friends. I moved away for 9 years and when I moved back we hit it off romantically. I got pregnant and he bailed for 2 3/4 years. He came into her life for the first time in December and we fell back into a comfort zone. We dated and did sleepovers, family outings and dinners from december to the end of April and now he is apparently decided against being a father again, we haven't heard from him. It has a lot of impact on the kids. He got her a fishing pole for her birthday and she keeps asking me when daddy is going to take her fishing. Not fun. Take your time. I dont even feel like I can date. Finding a sitter is hard enough and then who is gonna want to see you just once in a blue moon when you can get out.

In brief, without mentioning all the very insightful postings, I will tell you from my extensive experience with children in similiar situations (as an early childhood teacher) DO NOT GET YOUR CHILD INVOLVED UNTIL YOU ARE WELL ENGAGED and on your way to being married soon otherwise gauranteed your child will end up screwed up. I know I sound harsh and I only do to emphasize that I have seen so many kids in this situation who needed major major therapy and are still not ok years later. Kids must must must have stability otherwise their emotional, psychological and mental development is stumped and inhibited, short AND long term. On a lighter note, I am so so thrilled you are entering a relationship you are happy in. Good luck and may it all work out for the best.