Single Mom's Mother's Day Lament -- Too Much to Ask?

J.

I will make it short & sweet tell everyone to "suck it" it works! I've used it all week : )

good luck

If you don't slow down and do what is best for you and forget about what other people think you will be much better off. You need to be careful so you don't have a nervous breakdown.

Hi J.,

Your life sounds like mine in a different sort of way. I have 3 children, 3 jobs, and 1 husband. (4 kids if you count the husband.) I know what you mean about not having a moment to yourself and how nothing is good no matter what you do. Just hang in there, take one day at a time, and most importantly, dont let your mom upset you. My mom constantly gives unwanted advise that is sometimes cruel and hurtful. As long as u know in your heart you are a good mom and you are doing your best that is all that matters. Happy Belated Mother's Day.

Good for you for trying so hard to make it work. Here are some suggestions to help you:

1. Try to have the kids help you with the housework.
2. Your son or you could find a teacher to help him with his homework before or after school or at lunch
3. Many high schoolers need to receive community education, so you could hire one (volunteer) to help the kids with their homework
4. Find a volunteer from your place of worship to help the kids with their homework.
5. Find a networking group to help you with your business. There is an educational therapist group that meets at Parents Helping Parent in Santa Clara, CA. The third Friday of every month.
6. Most importantly find time for yourself, so you can help your family and your clients.

Wow, it sounds like you're a little bit overwhelmed, but it also sounds like in 6 months thing will ease up a little for you, hopefully. Ask yourself this, how do your kids feel about the time you spend with them & what you're trying to do in order to support them because how they feel is really all that matters here, don't you think? If they as your children are happy with you, then don't mind everyone else. It sounds like the teachers & coaches are just doing their jobs. The other moms really should just mind their own business because they have no idea what other mothers' lives are like - don't let them get to you. Maybe you can calmly try to talk to your ex-husband & let him know you only have 6 more months of 'hard time' you have to put in & if maybe he could hold off until then at the very least? It sounds like your mother is just being your mother & you shouldn't let that get to you. You are always going to have people 'coming at you' no matter what you do, so in my opinion, the best thing you can do is just don't mind them &/or don't let them bring you down or make you think that you're not a good mother because of course you are! Look at all you are trying to do to keep your kids happy & to support them/you as a family! I have almost 3 yr old b/g twins & am happily married. Until Feb of this year, my husband was the stay-at-home dad & bless his heart for being able to do that, esp w/twins, but even though I was the one who worked to support the family, I still had to come home & make dinner, feed the kids, clean up afterward & try to spend some time w/them before I had to give them their baths & put them to bed. This was normal everyday routine, but I also had to find time to do all the family laundry, do the grocery/other shopping, make sure my husband didn't feel neglected & take the kids out to do things on the weekends when I wasn't busy doing all the other stuff on the weekends that I didn't have time to do during the week. :) Don't get me wrong, it's not that he was ignorant to all the other stuff, but he is the complete opposite of a multi-tasker (which I am), so when he was a stay-at-home dad & watched the kids, he spent all his time w/them, playing, feeding, changing, etc... that he just didn't/couldn't focus on anything else. It used to piss me off at 1st, but when I realized that he was the complete opposite of me when it came to the kids & household, I realized that I couldn't expect him to do things the way I did/would do them. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that as long as you are trying to do your best in everything that you do, you can't do more than that. Life can be stressful & you & others are not always going to react the way you/they should, but take it w/a grain of salt. No one is perfect & definately no one is perfect all of the time. You can't change others, but you can change yourself & the way you deal with & react to others & that in itself can do a lot for your own well-being. Try to focus on what you are doing all this for & let all the other 'junk' slide. Well, I'm not sure how much I've helped you, but I hope I have even just a little bit :) P.S. My husband is now working F/T, I'm working 80% & my kids are in preschool 1/2 days, so I get to pick them up after school & do the things that I hardly had time to do when I was working more, but the best thing is that I get to spend more time w/my kids now, so to me all the stress/busy-ness before was worth it. Hang in there & if you ever want/need to, please message me here - I check it briefly every morning.

You are never going to get approval from everyone in your life. Keep doing what you think is best. Don't worry about the laundry.

Dear J.,
Whew.... sounds like you really needed to vent! OK, so here's my 2 cents, if it helps.
First: Take some deep breaths. Take a few minutes a day to shut yourself off from everything, even if it is 5 minutes sitting in your closet. You are going through some of the most stressful things you could be. You need to give yourself the right to relax and de-fuse.
Second: Stop thinking about what others are thinking about you. It is non-productive and most likely not completely accurate. Do the best you can, trust in that, be open and kind to others and let that be that.
Third: I'm sure your kids are going through stressful times as well. People, like teachers and coaches are seeing their side of your children's lives and most likely are hoping to help by getting you on board with their ideas. This may not be realistic for you, but don't be angry with them...they are on your child's side and trying to help, not just out to get you.
Fourth: Take care of what you need to do in court, have a good lawyer and protect yourself.
Fifth: Don't rush into a relationship. You've got so much on your plate and that may just compound things for your kids. Keep your focus on yourself and them, in time a new relationship will come.
Sixth: Keep your eye on the future. Know that you and your children will get through all of this and the stress, anger and sadness will lessen. A year from now, you will all be doing so much better and be happier.

J.-take the advice that you think will help and dump the rest. I've been through some tough times as well and if I would have known some of this, perhaps it would have been easier. Good luck to you and I wish you the best.

K. N

J~
Keep up the good work!! You mention the word failure....uuuhhh hardly! With your demamdning schedule who cares if homework is late, laundry get pushed aside.. the only person that walks in your shoes is you!!

Hats off to you lady!

I'll keep this short since your a busy hard working mom.
GOOD FOR YOU, taking your son out! The only person it seemed to bother was your mother. I'm guessing she was never a single working mom. I don't think your son will look back and say gee, I wish my mom would have kept a nicer house rather than have fun with me and help me with my school work. The Laundry will always be there but children grow up..... Just remember that when any one ever comments about your home not being neat and tidy.
Keep up the good work, your doing great! Don't forget to take a moment for your self :0)

No it is definitely not too much to ask. It sounds like you are doing your best in a difficult situation. More power to you that you can get it all done. I have difficulty with 2 boys ages nearly 11 and 7 1/2 and I am married and we both work full time. Between baseball and school and scouting it is a lot of work. Give me a break about not contributing enough for school etc. You stand up for yourself and don't let them walk all over you. My prayers are with you that all works out for you.

Your email pushed many buttons.
I am a physician-mom in private solo practice and am married, although I sometimes don't see my husband for a week at a time because he spends all his days and nights at his startup (sleeps on his office couch) and then is a complete vegetable on the weekends. I haven't entered a gym in 8 years, although I recommend doing so to my patients.
Briefly . .you are a saint, and SCREW them all. They have no idea.
Regarding mandatory cupcakes, school scrapbooking projects, volunteering to be room parent, and other such things, I have completely dispensed with it all unless I particularly have an urge to. And I don't care what anyone thinks.
Hang in there and excuse my language!
L.

Hi J.

I am not a single Mom yet can relate to all that you describe. I have an extremely supportive husband but still struggle with balance. I am the traditional breadwinner of the family and get a lot of pressure from family and coworkers regarding my choices to work over spending time with my family. I am a commission only sales rep so there is a great deal of pressure to perform. I have to say that 5 years from now, your kids will remember the movies and fun things you did together and won't remember the pile of clothes.....so as we prioritize, there are realities such as needing to work to provide for our families, and the need for quality time with our kids. As long as you can provide clothes for your kids and spend some time with them, who cares about a little laundry.....Hope you had a great Mother's Day. Sounds like you are a strong and courageous woman doing the best you can in this crazy valley.

YOU GO GIRL! your a rockin mom. who cares what other moms think including your own. I too have the some of the same issues that you have... its hard to be a single mom and juggle being mom, dad, supporter, friend and duaghter and there will never be enough hours in a day no matter what. but as long as your kids are taken care of and the 3 of you are happy what more could you want. who cares about the laundry right. Oh yeah, tell your ex to stick it. you take care of you.

Hi J.,

I am also a divorced 48 year old single mom of a kindergartner who works full time, so I can relate! I always feel torn in two between parenting and work, and rarely feel I'm giving adequate attn to either. Having a life comes in a distant third.

Your mom is misguided and unhelpful, but I hope you can forgive her. She comes from an era where a woman's value was based largely on her ability to keep the floors clean enough to eat off of. As a counselor, you probably know about projection; I suspect she sees your choosing to go to the movies with your son when there's housework to be done as a rejection of her and her values. She never had to make the kinds of trade offs you have to make now, so look to your friends for the kind of understanding she can't provide, and appreciate her for what she can. I am in your shoes and there's no question in my mind that a movie with your son was the right choice.

As for men, there is a saying I learned in college that is still true today: To meet a prince, you have to kiss a lot of frogs. I would also love to meet a great partner, but have decided that the last thing I need when I finally have some precious downtime is dinner with a frog. I figure if I don't have time to go to the gym, I certainly do not have time for that! If Mr. Right falls into my lap I won't push him away, but now is not the time to actively seek him out. Even if I did meet a great guy, I would be hard pressed to make time for him in my schedule right now, especially since I wouldn't want to introduce him to my kid until we were well established. I don't want to put either of us through a procession of frogs. I never let myself forget that the relationship model I provide is what my kid will grow up to think of as normal. The last thing I want is for that impression to be that a woman settles for less just to have someone.

The sad truth is there isn't enough time in my life for all the things I want for me, but the trade offs are SO worth it! I'm raising a kid who gets the love, attn, and consistency needed to become a happy well-adjusted adult - and I have a great job that keeps me challenged and vital.

Hang in there through the down times. You are doing a GREAT job of prioritizing -- and providing a terrific model for both your children. Keep up the good work.

Cheers,

Kay

Wow - you go girl. Can you see how much you accomplish? With no help? You are doing a fantastic job. It sounds like you are in a really competitive area for your kids. Homework for kindergartners seems like a bit much. The age range of your kids is hard enough without all the pressure. Tell your x he can't reduce his childcare payments unless he wants to have the kids more often. It doesn't sound like he is very involved. Your mantra has to be "I'm doing the best I can please accept that". You have gone through a huge life change and started a new business. Please give yourself a break. Remember you can't be good with your kids if you're not good to yourself. I'd also say skip the guys for a while until your life settles down a little. Don't worry about the laundry it will always be there for you. AND if you can, please ask your mom for a little emotional support.

J.,
I think you rock! Please don't get other people's opinions bring you down. I can clearly see how much you care for your children, I take my hat of for you being so dedicated to your career. I think it is great that you don't want to be defined by only being a mother and a breadwinner. Trying to find a good man to share your live with is a great. Don't give up the fight. And remember, if you are not happy, no one around you is happy. Your children need a happy mother. Don't forget about your own needs.
A. (mother of 2 (2 and 4), product manager, wife)

oh, i feel for you! i'm a single mom too and some days it's just all you can do to make it til the end. my house is a mess all the time and i'm too tired to tell the kid to clean up his toys. but who cares so long as you do the best you can and your kids are healthy and happy!!! that's all that really matters in the end. don't let them all get you down. hang in there!

Dear J.,
You have more on your plate than anyone could ever be expected to handle. I'm so sorry for you. You are doing all you can do, and it's a pity that your own mother isn't more sympathetic. As far as the football coach is concerned, he is a nasty idiot! Why isn't your ex-husband stepping up to the plate and doing his share for your children, esp. your son?? Why can't he interact with the football coach? If you can't ask him, your son should. As far as other moms are concerned, I'm sorry you don't have a more sympathetic group of moms at your daughter's school. I'm a stay-at-home mom, but when I was a room mother, during my daughters' elementary school years, I never forgot which moms were working and I certainly cut them some slack! Try to cultivate a friendship with at least one sympathetic mom, and perhaps you can trade playdates in exchange for having her help you with some of those so-called "mandatory" parent chores. Having said that, you need to tell your ex to do his share, for the sake of his children. He can take your son to the DMV, help him with his test prep, etc., and you MUST assert yourself in that regard. You can't do this alone!! Can't your son postpone his driving test until June? Good luck with all this...you are very brave to take on so much.
Sincerely,
S. A.

You are having a really bad run of luck with all these people griping at you. I think you are doing the best you can in difficult circumstances, and if you possibly can just ignore them all that would be great. Probably none of the people will be responsive to you telling them they are not helping with their criticism at all except maybe your mom....would she be receptive to hearing you say, "gosh, Mom, that comment really didn't help me at all--sometimes I feel it's more important to spend time with my kids than to do housework, but I agree with you that it's difficult to juggle all these responsibilities and do a great job at all of them." Maybe she would say something supportive (but only you would know if this would work or would it be an invitation to her to say something else critical of you). I'm sorry to hear if the moms at school think you are a slacker...I am a SAHM and I always look at the working moms with great admiration, they do all the school stuff and work, too. Good luck and hang in there!!

J., you deserve to treat yourself to a day or three at the spa of your choice.

My mom used to complain about my house being disorganized. I suggested that she could either clean it herself, or pay for a housekeeper, because, given the choices of cleaning or spending quality time with kids, I'd take the second option. That shut her up about it.

You're not asking too much. Like me and probably most of us on this list, you're over-extended, as is. You're doing your best and probably then some. So, except the mess, tell your mom (nicely) to mind her own business, and relax with your kids tonight.

I'm rooting for you!

J.

Take a deep breath and let the guilt trip go.

You are doing the best thing you can do, spending time with your kids. The house work will get done at some point, but then there will be more. Remeber at the end of the week are you going to wish you got more laundry done or more time with your kids.

You might talk to your mom and simply say mom I know you think I should have gotten to these things first but I thought it was a little more important for me to spend some one on one time with my son. Things are a little chaotic right now. If it botheres you so much why dont you give ma a hand so I can ge a better handle on things. I would love it if you could bake some cupcakes for this event. Maybe you and daughter could do this as a special project together. Basically in politer terms you are asking her to be quiet and be part of the sollution and not the problem. It works Ive done it.

Second, from a teachers perspective. She does not think you are a horible mother. She may wish you would get it together from time to time but we really understand. If demands at school are becoming too much let them know. The teacher should be your greatest advocate. I know there are exception teachers to this rule but most of us got into teaching by having a love for kids and wanting to help them and their families.

I want to commend you on going back to school too. Great Job.

Love your kids, take a breather for yourself and then everything else will fall into place.

Sorry no advice on the Ex thing.

I think you are a super woman. You and everyone around you should be proud of what you have accomplished. My daughter is a single mother to a beautiful 6 week old girl(no help from the father) and she graduates from college with her bachelors on May 16. She had her baby on April 1. She went right back to school a week after having her baby. I took my 2 month sabbatical to help her do just that. As far as your mother is concerned, she ought to be ashamed of herself. Your mother should be right by your side helping you. And, your ex-husband is an idiot! He too should be right there as well. He should realize that you are going to school in order to support yourself. You are also trying to boost your income to support your children. If he cuts your support, that will not only hurt you, but it will also hurt the children. If he was a real man, he would wait till your education is complete and your income to be at the point that you can survive comfortably. If the child support is court ordered, he can't just reduce it. He will have to go to court in order to do that. If he is making $160K a year, then he should be able to pay his child support. I hope the child support is court ordered. If not, then you may have to take him to court so he doesn't reduce he amount. Now, about boyfrieds . . . complete your schooling and your business to the point you want them to be at. It's so important to be independant first before you let someone (boyfriend) in your life. That way if it doesn't work out, you can support yourself and your children. Boyfriends can come later . . . when there is time and less stress in your life. Even though I do not know you, I think you are amazing with all that you do. Don't ever let anybody tell you different. I wish you and your children all the best.

L.

J.,
wow! I've always admired single mothers and your right up there on the list.

Of course it is not unreasonable to expect to be able to set your own priorities and juggle life as best you can.

I find people who critisize a lot are often reflecting their own insecurities.

I have enough trouble keeping up with one kid and I have a husband. Ok it sometimes seems like single parenting except that I have to pick up and clean for the extra, though when work allows he is wonderfully supportive.

I have chosen to juggle multiple per diem positions while my private practice grows slowly. That way I can at least some of the time dictate when I am available for my son. Even then I don't seem to manage much in the way of just hanging out together time. Life is way too rushed.

You do not have the same options I do. We rely on my husband's as the primary income. I do not know what your legal recourse is regarding your ex wanting to decrease child support. There should be some free legal service you can check with but unfortunately I don't know who.

I personally think your mother was wrong. Spending time with your kid/s is more important then laundry.

Would it be worth making an appointment with the head of school to discuss the issues of staff "harrasment"? Not everyone can give as much time as they'd like or meet all the extra commitments that school or other groups would like us to. If the principal was aware and willing to notify staff to be more courteous and aware not only of what they ask but how they ask it, perhaps that may help (and not just you in all probability).

As to potential boyfriends. It will definitely be a challenge to find them but there are guys out there who care more about a person then their pinup value. Don't sell yourself short.

Hang in there J.. You are a great mom - you are a mom who cares, who loves her kids, and who is doing the best she can with the circumstances life has thrown her. There can be no greater mom then that.

K. H.