Single Mom Starting to Date

How often are you "going out?" Maybe IF you are going to date while they are still young, you should only do it when they are visting their dad. If you are leaving them alone at night, could it be they are scared?? I know my 9 and 11 year old would possibly be.

I don't have experience with this, (first time mom of 15month old) but I wonder if he understood how it would be if you called HIM when he was hanging out with his friends - which is basically what you're doing - he might get the message and only call in an emergency. You could arrange with him to do the same thing when he's out with his friends - let him know so he's not totally embarrassed, but maybe he'll understand and get a kick out of it. You probably need to equate it with his life/his world for it to sink in. Good luck! :)

I think you should be honest with your boys and tell them you are dating but don't want to bring someone home because you don't want them getting attached to anyone who may not be around for long. If you don't want them sneaking around behind your back, then you probably shouldn't do it to them. I've found being honest with your kids is the best policy, because more than likely if they haven't figured it out by now, they will. More than likely, he senses that you are keeping something from him and he just wants to know what it is. Kids are even smarter today than when I was growing up. They usually know these things.

I have been single for nearly 15 years - my kids are almost 15 and 16. That said, why is he calling you? what does he want when he calls? Do you call him when you are out to check on him? Perhaps that would help. I would never, ever tell my kids they cannot call me. You say they do not know you are dating, I doubt that - I had a friend that thought that and her daughter knew what she was doing and felt lied to which she was being lied to. Of course, I do not understand why they cannot call their dad after 8 either - I can see after 10, unless there is an emergency. It sounds to be like if you are out, after 8 your children are out of luck if they want to talk with a parent - can't call dad and mom doesn't want them to.........I really don't mean to sound harsh, but your kids should come first. Lisa J brings up a great point - if you want your kids to be honest with you, you need to be with them. I discussed this with my kids and they said they would feel frightened and abandoned if they were told they could not call me when I was doing 'adult' things. I believe in setting my example and lying for your convience is still lying. Great suggestion to date when the kids are with their father but they should still feel free to call.......

Warning, this is a passion of mine and I have a great deal to say about it. I am speaking from mistakes I have made in my life with my son and regrets I suffer from.
You need to raise them first, before you get involved with another man. They have an active father, they don't need anyone interfereing with that. Don't compare yourself to your X. They don't feel the same about you as they do their dad, they love you both equally, but moms and dads are different, they play different roles in the lives of their boys. God created boys (little men) to protect females they love, (good husbands) a.k.a. mom. They are going to feel that any man, who is not their father, is violating them and you. Bringing another man into their lives with whom they have to share your attention with, will cause them to resent him and you. It will cause problems, you, your boys, and your new man will be miserable and the relationship will likely fail. Another failed, painful disappointment for your babies. Also, the new man will likely want to discipline them, YOU WILL NOT LIKE THIS. You will step in the way and decrease the little respect he may have gained with the kids, they will see the weakness and pursue a divide and conquer mission of your new relationship. It is so unfortunate that you and their dad got divorced, but you have a responsibility to them to raise them and get them self sufficient before you act on desires of the flesh. When you gave birth to them, you took on a responsibility to them. When your marriage failed, your resposibility to them did not change. Even though it may seem unfair because of what the X is doing. You have your boys, he does not. The world will sell you the lie that you need to please yourself, YOU need happiness and fullfillment, your happiness is the most important thing, in order to be a good mother. But the truth is, you will be happy and fulfilled when you are confident that you have raised Godly men. Your youngest is 7, so at the most you have 11 more years with them. Really at 16 or 17 they will start doing their own thing. Those years are going to fly by, the last thing you will want in your prime years is to look back with regret on how you raised your kids, by bringing men into their lives. I am a child of divorce, I have a 9 y/0 son, and I have a sister who has 2 boys and made the same mistake you are considering. From my own experience and observing the experiences of others in this situation, I can say that your mother in bed with anyone, no matter what a "great guy" he may be, is unnatural, uncomfortable, and not the way God intended it. It will taint the way they relate to sex, relationships and marriage. I made terrible choices in relationships in my early adult years directly because my mother could not be alone to raise me, she had to have her stud. I have forgiven her now, and been healed from the hurts, but it took 12 years. Your desire for interaction with other adults is completly understandable. When they go to Dad's, make plans and have yourself an exciting social life. Go out to eat with people from work, get into a Bunk-o group, connect with old friends on Myspace or Facebook. Pray for God to bless you with fulfillment trough Him, and cast Satan out. Satan uses the flesh and the lies of the world to destroy you, so you can not raise your boys to be warriors for Christ. The last thing Satan desires is to two Godly men walking this Earth. Your "mommy radar" is telling you that this isn't right for them, listen to it. You sound like a great mom! Stay strong!

Lisa J must NOT be a single mom! You do not have to be honest about dating with your kids. All they need to know is that you are out with your friends having your own playgroup!! Kids do not need to know about such adult issues. I think it is fabulous that you are very reserved about bringing men into their lives. I am single with 3 boys and 1 girl and I am not going to date for a very long time.I don't think it's fair for them to have to share me and frankly, I just don't have anything left to offer anyone after a day with 4 young kids. My div. was just final 2 weeks ago after a 2 year seperation and I just don't think it's beneficial to bring men into their lives that aren't going to be there for the long term.
You may have to deal with the calls for a while until your son is more comfortable with you having a life of your own. He needs to know that you are there no matter what and that is what will give him his comfort.
Good luck and happy secret dating!!

I would start with telling him that he only needs to call if something is wrong. When you are out and he calls ask him if something is wrong if he says no then tell him you have to go. You will talk to him when you get home or in the morning when ya'll get up. I was a single mom for a long time and you have to put your foot down and be strong. He is going to try and run your life as he has taken the man of the house role. Just be strong and let him know that you are the adult and he has to do what you tell him not what he tells you. Best of luck

T., I love that you and your ex are such great friends!! And I congratulate you for getting back out there in the dating scene. AND I applaud you for not involving your kids in your personal and private life. I am a single mom of 3, and my oldest is 11 also, she'll be 12 in a few weeks. I go through the same thing. I think that some kids with certain personalites take on an adult, take care of mommy type role, even when we haven't asked them too. I know some women go through major depression and other issues following a divorce, and sometimes kids feel they HAVE to step in and take on an adult, caretaker role. But that doesn't seem to be that situation. You and I just have strong, independant, smart kids who take on more than we want them too at such a young age. THey are the oldest and they want to take care of mommy. I think its just in some kids' nature. My daughter does the same thing when I'm out. My kids are with their dad on weekends, so thats when I go out. And I hear from my daughter many times through the day and night. At first it was annoying, then I realized she is just concerned and the best thing I can do is reassure her, just like you are doing with your son. Maybe they'll grow out of this, maybe they won't. But it isn't such a bad thing, having our kids want to watch over us the way they do. As long as you're not making him feel like he must take on a caregiver role, then I think you're doing the right thing by just showing him he has nothing to worry about. Keep talking to him, be careful to still make and stand by boundaries (at one point, I did have to give my daughter a limit about how many times a day she can call me a day for non-emergency situations because there would be times when she would call 10-12 times in a row within just a few hours), including what you will and will not discuss with him about your personal and private life, but just reassure him that you love him and are glad he's you're son and so concerned, and that you are happy with your life and you want him to be happy and not worry too. Best wishes.

First of all, good for you and your kids that your ex-husband and you are great friends. I always felt so akward telling people that I actually like my ex. Our boys love the fact that we get along so well except when they want something and we both tell them no! LOL!
As far as the dating, my older son wasn't too keen on me dating anyone ever! When I met and married my current husband, he was actually so mad that he moved to live with his Dad. That has been almost 12 years ago and he eventually came around, but I think it's important that you set some boundaries with your kids. If the rule is that they can't call your ex after 8:00 then the same rule should apply to you, too. I know it's hard but you really do need your adult time. No child wants to think that their other parent is being replaced and all kids have the grand notion that their parents will get back together. I know my kids did for the simple fact that thier Dad and I got along great and we still do. When our oldest son gradution from high school last year, we had ONE BIG family party - just as it should be. Good luck and stick to your guns!

Aw!! So glad to hear of another single mom who has a wonderful ex!!

I have recently become a member of an online community called iheartsingleparents.com. It is a wonderful place to meet and have these discussions with other single parents.

I have two daughters, 6 & 3, who seem to be my biggest supporters. They haven't had too many questions thus far. I agree with you about not introducing them to someone too early.

I think you should explain to them about the rule they have with their daddy. Why do they think the rule doesn't apply to mommy too? You may have to tell him that you will have a limit to when you will answer the phone. Tell him that after a certain time or a certain number of calls, you won't answer anymore. It might be hard on him the first time but at least then, he will know you're serious. You have to explain to him that you need your grown-up time. That your grown-up time helps you to be a better mommy.

I don't know. Hope that helps!

I'm not a single mom, but maybe you need to find out why he's calling. If he just says he's worried, maybe you could compromise by saying "I'll call you by 8PM" or "if I'm not home by 10PM you can call me to check on me". Something like that. If you say you'll call him during the night, it may work better for you b/c you can call when it's not disruptive...for instance, you can excuse yourself to go to the bathroom, and call then. I'm wondering if it would be like when I tried to get my kids to stay in their beds...I'd tell them I'll be back to check on you, and the 1st time I'd go back after 5 minutes, then I'd go back again after another 10 minutes, then after another 15 minutes. they didn't have to get out of bed b/c they knew I would come check on them. Maybe the same tecnique would work for your son?

Good luck! You deserve some "adult" time.

S.

Who is watching the boys while you are out? You didn't mention if there was a caregiver or some adult there to supervise them while you are gone. I was a single mom for four years and only went out when my kids were with their dad. They were introduced to my future husband when I was sure he was staying around and then we included them in our "dates". I was just wondering if he and his brother were left at home alone and that was why he was constantly calling.

As moms its our jobs to raise our boys to be men. To be head of the house. Instinctively I think that boys of single moms automatically take on that role. Especially the older sons.
Keep on reassuring him. Then when he calls tell him that he has called and knows you are ok and that you want him to not call again and that you will call first thing in the morning. Good luck

T. - First of all, I'm glad you're waiting for the right person to bring into your boys' lives. That is so important. I've seen so many mothers make awful decisions and bring so many men into their children's lives who end up hurting them. Well, I've been in a similar situation except my boys were 2 and 7 when I divorced and my 7-year old was calling me when I would go out. I would suggest that you continue to answer his calls and let him know that you're ok. He'll eventually stop. My son did it for a little over a year. I know it's a little difficult to deal with sometimes but if you ask him to stop then you might come across like you're doing something wrong, when you're not. Giving him a couple of minutes will ease his mind and you can get on with your night. Even through a good divorce, a divorce is hard on children. Good luck!!

Well, I am a single mom, and I must say that I DO agree with Lisa J. I don't give my kids details, and I don't introduce them to a parade of men, but I also strongly believe in honesty and openness with my kids. I go out when they are at their dad's, and there is nothing wrong with that. I don't feel any need to keep it a secret if it comes up. I don't talk specifics about dates or men, but the kids know that I like going to concerts and restaurants with my friends (male and female). I think it's good if they know that you're allowed to have a fun life, even when you're an adult and a mommy. And they do know that I have gone on dates, even though I don't provide the details. I just don't think it needs to be a big secret -- single adult women date, and why hide that? I have told them that the reason you date is to have fun and meet people, and I have assured them that I will let them know if anyone comes into my life that they need to know about. I guess that's kind of my parenting philosophy in general about so many subjects (sex, drugs, etc.) -- I think when we present subjects in a matter-of-fact sort of way, they lose their charge. It's when we build things up into "big deals" that they develop a secretive mystique. My kids and I talk about all kinds of things, and I hope they know they can come to me when they have questions about stuff. Otherwise, as they say, "the mind abhors a vacuum," and I think kids tend to imagine and create scenarios when they don't have real information. There's so much graphic information in the media and out there in the world -- I'd rather they hear MY explanation, tinged with MY values, about things when they're young, rather than piecing together some crazy philosophy based upon what they see at school and on TV!

That said, a lot of this is SO individual and comes down to the personalities of the children involved. A friend of mine has a son who worries when she DOESN'T go out -- he worries that she is lonely and bored when he is at his dad's! My kids don't like talking on the phone in general, and tend to stay "in the moment" whether they're at my house or their dad's (meaning, they don't worry much about me when they're over there and don't worry much about him when they're over here). So I haven't had to reassure in that way. But I see NO problem in setting a boundary that your son is not to call you after 8pm unless it's urgent. It's not going to warp his mind or make him feel abandoned. Boundaries are a good thing, and as long as you're presenting them with confidence and not wavering with guilt and self-doubt, he'll take it in stride. When we were young, there were things that were kid things and things that were adult things, and that's just the way it was. One of the dangers of single parenting (well, and parenting in general!) is trying to "make it up" to our kids by giving them too much power.

Of course, this is all just my personal opinion, and I could be completely wrong. So take it with a grain of salt. But my kids have adjusted beautifully to the divorce, and we have a great relationship. Don't worry so much, and just do what you feel is right in your heart, and you and your kids will be just fine. Kudos to you for maintaining a good relationship with your ex -- that will be SO beneficial to your boys!

I was a single M. for five years, and dated during that time (remarried now, and my husband is a great step-dad!). Here are three things that might help:

(1) Let them know that due to cell-phone etiquette, you will not be answering your phone at certain times. Give them the whole list: during shows, during meetings, when you are having time with friends, during church, etc. Basically, get the message across that it is rude to disturb programs, meetings, church, etc. with phone calls, as well as rude to interrupt conversations with other people to take calls. It doesn't matter whether you're on a date or doing one of these other things, it will be clear that there will be times when it is rude to answer your phone. THEN FOLLOW THROUGH! (They can leave messages.) When they are with you, ignore some calls, and point out why you are doing this.

(2) Set up a system for knowing when a call is an emergency or very urgent. Define "emergency" and "urgent" so you don't get calls about not being able to find the toothpaste or brotherly quarrels. Our definition involved "When there's blood beyond needing a bandaid, illness that needs attention immediately (e.g. not a mildly sore throat), or special situations that cannot wait until I'm home. For my kids, they know that if they will call twice in a row (within a couple of minutes) I will excuse myself, and call them back ASAP. They are to leave a message on the first call letting me know the situation, so that I don't panic.

(3) Call to check in every once in awhile. YOU choose the timing (go in the ladies room on a date), and this is when they can tell you non-urgent things. They will come to expect this and can learn to wait.

Remember, just because he calls, doesn't mean that you have to answer. Presumably, you have left him in capable hands. He has no right to feel betrayed or ignored if you have explained that you are simply going to be following proper etiquette from now on and will check on him every couple of hours. Don't train him to feel entitled to your immediate attention when you're apart. This will be as good for HIM as it is for you.

I commend you for keeping your dating above the children's radar. I did the same, and although it was hard at times, it kept my children from having a parade of people come in and out of their lives.

Diane

Hi T., My name is H., and I'm a single divorce Mother as well with a 9 yr.old daughter who thinks she's 16. I have experienced similar behavior, although mine does not call as much but she looks at my phone, and she ask alot of questions she shouldn't be. Such as if she see my cell phone ring and look at it, and if its a guys name its like who's that immediately, or how do you know him. With my experience I always reassure my daughter that no one is going to come in and take her place, but that Mommy have friends. I let her know that I'm the adult and she's the child, and that she does not need to worry about or be concerned at this point with what Mommy is doing. I let her know I deserve to get out and have some fun with friends. She has never met any man I have went out with. I agree 100% if i feel its going to be someone of significant, then when that time comes I will introduce her. But, in the mean time I just keep it all to myself. I'm open with her to a certain degree, but we are still talking about "KIDS" here. I say get out and enjoy yourself. I have a great relationship with my Ex as well, and what I do is when she's with him that's when I get out, so she has no idea whether I'm getting out or not. Sometimes when I do speak with her when its his time, I may let her know that I'm going out to dinner or to a party with girlfriends of mine that she knows, but never let her know I'm going on a date. H. this helps. Take care!

Your child is trying to control you. Be firm do not call unless you are bleeding, the house is on fire...something along these lines. A rule I went by when I was raising a child solo after a divorce. No serious relationships till the child was graduated from high school.... Whatever behavior you exhibit now will be a reflection on your children later. Remember if you do not want your children doing anything immoral or out of character then you keep your morals/behavior in check.

I believe you need to sit down and talk with him. I'm not sure who is staying with him during the time you are out, but come up with ground rules. Maybe he gets to call you once, just to be sure you are OK, after that you don't take the calls. Come up with an emergency system for you and the babysitter.