"Single Mom Seeking Advise"

T.,
i raised to boys my self amd he is just at the age of not wanting to taslk to mom about anything .....he'll grow out of it but it may take yrs just keep telling him you love him no matter what happens and always will .give him good respons but dont go over board he needs a man around around ,you did the right thing
L.

I am a 52 yr. old gramdma who used to be single mother of two boys and one girl. And now now I have a 17 and 14 yr. old granddaughters. This not talking to you is really just a faise most teenagers go thru. My daughter goes thru it all the time with the girls.... Don't worry too much. Take care........

Hi T., I know what you are going though. I am also a single mom. Ages 18,16 and 3. Yes I started all over again LOL!
I also have a 19 year old son that doesn't live at home anymore. 15 seems to be the age that parents just do not understand anything. I went through it with my first son and now with my 16 year old. I always tell him I love him but that I am his mom and still expect him to make the right choosing. I remember that age and they to hide nothing from my children and let them know my stories and what I did so they can't hide anything and they
come to me to for anything but, I am not there friend I am still the parent and will still put down the rules.
You son does not hate you they are just weired at this age.

Boys this age do seem to withdraw more from their mothers. It may have nothing to do with the circumstances. But then, it could have everything to do with the conditions at present. Keep drawing your son out and make sure his is happy with the school, his new home, and make sure he understands you are trying to put his needs first because you love him and miss him and the change is hard for you too.

Take it from the mother of 5 grown kids (24 thru 35), he doesn't hate you. That being said, altho he agreed to moving to his uncle's for his good, he is probably gotten it into his teenage head that that made it easier on you and you feel freer and don't have to concern yourself with him now. Teenagers will agree with you with their heads alot of the time while their hearts are breaking (they are still kids under that nearly grown body). No matter how much "better off" he is, no matter how mature he took the move, there's a good chance he just misses being in the same home as his Mom. Don't expect him to say it, there is too much pressure on teenagers to be "adult about things" but there is still a little boy who deep inside still would like to be at home with his Mom. You don't mention if your daughter lives with her uncle also, but I have found that with 3 girls and 2 boys, those are two different animals. Never judge the reaction of one from the other, come to think of it as I sit hear with my limited experience, never compare the reaction of any kids. Not much help I know, just an insight into my own 5.

Hi T.
This is a difficult subject, and I'm sure a sensitive one, but I just have to ask... did he get a say in the decision to move in with your brother? There are lots of ways to get your child into a better school, beyond moving him out of the house. Where does your 17-yr old live? Being a teenager is hard, and being a single parent is even tougher... but keeping your family together seems like the bigger priority, in my honest opinion. Not knowing anything else about your situation beyond what you've written, I would guess that your son feels like you don't want him around. That is going to be tough to overcome.

All physical needs may be met, in that everyone has a roof over their heads, food to eat, and an opportunity to get a good education... but what about emotional needs being met? What about feeling loved? There are lots of things you can do differently, but they would require you to make the sacrifice instead of expecting the sacrifice to come from your children. You could move your household closer to the school you want your child in... or drive your son to and from the school of your choice. Or invite your teenage children to help in the decision making that affects every aspect of their lives. They might prefer to have less and get more of you.

Please know that I'm not being judgemental of your situation, because (like I said) I don't know all the details. I'm just raising some questions that are difficult to hear from anyone, but are sometimes easier to take from a perfect stranger (who is FAR from perfect, I might add).

Best wishes to you and your family. I will pray for you and your teenage children.
M.

I am feeling that he might be changing his mind on how he feels about going to the school he agreed on. Sometimes even adults don't know how they are going to feel when they make certain decisions. I know this is a better school for him, but maybe being home is better. He might feel that he is being shut out given you are female and you still have a daughter with you at home. (by the way, I know you are trying to send him to the better school for his well being, and this is just my opinion on what I think he might be feeling) Is there a way you could take him to school? I know it is 30 min away, but it might be something you could try to see if he perks up and seems like your son. If he then perks up, then you know he doesn't want to be away from his mom. After a while, when other people are around your kids, they start to parent them the way they want to. This may not be what he is use to. 15 is tough and you have to keep a close eye on them. Good luck and whenever you get a chance, sneak in a hug from him:)

Just keep talking. Keep talking. Then, keep talking. No matter what he does or doesn't do, don't let that hinder you from talking to him and letting him know your door is always open for him. He's 15 and a boy. The last person he wants to confide in is his mom. You just keep talking to him and let him be quiet. He'll chat when he's ready. (Which may not be until he's 30. Ha.) If something is really wrong, he's a boy and boys are different than girls. Give him time without prying or pushing. Keep the conversations going and when he's ready and feels the need, he'll open up.

Wow, T. you have a tough job being a single parent, I applaud you and the sacrifices you make to insure your children get a better education. Fifteen year old boys are not easy -- you have done nothing wrong - your relationship with your son through his teenage years will ebb and flow, the key is to be consistent in your expectations, your love, and allow him some space to find his way. As long as you are sure there is no real problems at the new school - and things are going well at is uncles home, and he has made a friend or two there that you know are good ones, then you must let him go through his 15 year old angst. I found my two sons moody a bit -- this age is difficult, because they feel they are too old for the things they have enjoyed thus far, but not yet old enough for the more "older" things they can't wait to do -- they are having growing pains, hormonal shifts, they aren't sure of what being a "man" is all about, they become rather self critical - the dynamics of their live changes - shifts.... I hope this makes sense - believe me he doesn't have any answers either. But this too shall pass -- anger isn't the only emotion they have right now. But change is hard - and as a teen weekends with friends are important and going back and forth may have its challenges -- Just keep the bigger picture in the foreground -- education, education, education, he will be an adult far longer than he will be a teenager - and now is the time to build the foundation for the rest of his life - so try to enjoy the here and now but keep the eyes on the future and accomplish what needs to be done now to ensure a better future. Hopefully your brother can help out with the need for a male role model in his life. So, mom, keep your sense of humor, praise him, hug him, love him, let him know he can weather the tough stuff - together you as a family can weather the tough stuff.
I wish you well, keep up the good work.

I am sure that you moved him to your brothers for all the right reasons, and he may know that in his own head as well, but in his heart perhaps he feels somewhat abandoned! Especially if you still have the girl living with you! I think that you should talk to him, ask him if he would like to come home and go back to his old school. I am assuming that he did not move out because he was behaving badly. I just get the feeling that he feels like you don't want him around that much for whatever reason, and that is really tough for him to feel good about. How bad was this school that he was going to? most kids would rather be at home with their parents in a cardboard box, than with someone else in a mansion on the beach! I hope that you can repair that relationship, with your son , and I do think that , that should be your top priority, now when it is still fresh and perhaps you can let him know that you have maybe made some mistakes, and that your relationship with him is much more valuable to you than a better school for him. I have a great relationship with my 23 yr old son (he is an only child) and I raised him as a single parent, he spent weekends with his dad. I have always been open and honest with him and admitted when I made a mistake. We are very close and can talk about anything, I wouldn't give that up for anything in the world, and I know that you want that back with your own son, which is why you wrote on mamsource to begin with. You are both hurting from this move that was made, he needs to know how much you love him and that your relationship with him is most important. I wish you luck in communicating this to him, and getting your relationship back on track. God bless

He does NOT hate you - it is just the typical teenage phase and behavior. If his grades and behavior are good than I would not stress too much over it, but continue to approach him and let him know you love him - give him hugs, kids are never too old for that - even if he doesn't hug you back. Kids become "embarrassed" of their parents at this age and it is very typical. Read some books on parenting teens for some specific advice. If he is having any other problems, you may want to try counseling. I would say not seeing him during the week could enhance the distance between you - are you able to have dinner w/ him at least a night or two during the week? You need to bridge the divide as much as you can - without smothering him. 30 minutes is not too far to see him several times during the week, if your work schedule allows, that is. Don't let his silence and being withdrawn make you withdraw from him - keep letting him know you love and support him, no matter how quiet he is towards you.

Good luck and take care.

Question...did you send your daughter to live with your brother also? And are you recently single?
I have a 19 yr old daughter. We moved from a big city where she grew up to a small town only 60 miles away. She was excited and ready for the move. The smaller school was "clickish" and she was bullied (by girls) for 3 years.
Your son could be keeping his true feelings to himself. He could possibly be having trouble adjusting to his new school, home, town, peers,separation from you and his sister, and his "broken" home.
I would encourage your brother to take him somewhere one on one and try to get him to open up and talk. Guy talk. Sometimes boys need that male companion who they feel comfortable talking to about "guy stuff".
Good luck to you. It'll get better!!

Dear T., I have raised several teenagers, and I have teenagers daily in High School. The KEY thing I have learned is that without fail, male or female, during those years, they will always feel a kinship to their friends and classmates. Adults will take a backseat in almost all situations. Be patient, be there for them, pray often, and do the best you possibly can. They are influenced by so many things, and not all of them are good ! Don't take sooo many things personally. Stay true to your values and what you know is right. Nobody ever promised us life would be a breeze.
Best wishes.

T.
GOD Bless you! I know what a struggle it must be to raise a family on your own. I pray GOD grant you the wisdom to guide and strength to persevere! I feel I have to say this to you from a mom with a 14 year old son. Bring your son back to live with you.Sons are not like daughters, we women tend to talk about our feelings, men don't. How can you not think this is affecting him? Don't even ask him if this is something he wants to do, tell him that you love him and need him with you. You know my sisters have their children in wonderful expensive schools. I cannot afford them as I am building a business. I highly believe it is not the school that makes the man but the drive that is within them. Take your son and mold him and shape him into a wonderful GOD driven individual (I'm sure he already is). YOU are a wonderful role model, you work hard and are meeting the needs of your family. That cannot be taught in any school. No one but you can teach him that, what you need is encouragement not help with a better school, YOU can do it better than YALE Lady! You rock! Go get your son back!
GOD BLESS!!
M.

Morning T.;
At 15 a boy is starting to feel the weight of the world on
his shoulders! Living with your brother may also be causing
him some problems that he really doesn't want to discuss with you.
About the only thing you can do, is hug him ever chance you
get and "Always" brag on anything that you feel is worth the
brag, but, don't over do it.
You might try in a very casual manor on some weekend when he's
home to just ask what he dreams of being when he grows up and
see where that goes!
Having raised two boys they have a real change from 14 thru
25, then all of a sudden around 25 they revert back to the
kid that you loved!! hahaha
B. C

Hey there, my son is 15, too...and we have always had a great relationship, but in the past year or so, it has become more and more difficult to get him to talk. I have found that he tends to open up more, if we are in a relaxing setting, doing something he enjoys. Sometimes, I will just sit on his bed while he plays video games, or take him for icecream or dinner at his fav. restaurant...then he tends to talk more...he also likes to play board games, so I take the time to play, too and I try VERY hard not to pry...he seems to share more if I don't ask! Who knew...anyway, good luck, keep trying, and someday you will break the code. :)

T., I have a 15 year old daughter who does the same thing. I'm told that she's being your average teenager, so I've accepted that. She talks to me sometimes about being in love and things of that nature but I don't force her to talk to me. What I do is some mornings at the breakfast table or while riding in the car, I'll talk about the birds and the bees and things I use to do when I was their age. I always make sure that I throw in, "dont' try to keep anything from me cause I ALREADY know. I've been there." I would always tell them my little stories and what I use to do so they can see that I use to try to be slick and sneaky, too. So what they're thinking about doing, I've already done it. Don't force him to try to talk to you. Just tell him that when he's ready to talk, you're ready to listen and that he can talk to you about anything. He probably wants a male person whom he can confied in.

Ask your brother if he's been talking to your son and if not, tell him he needs to start since he's staying with him during the week.

T., I don't know boys very well, I have a daughter age 23 now. There could be multiple reasons why your son has withdrawn from talking to you. At some point all kids hate their mom or dad or both. I have no idea what your values or faith is. My 1st and most important suggestion is to PRAY. God knows what is going on, and He can intervene. It could be just learning his independence, none of mom's business, that type of attitude, we all go through at one point or another. It could a problem with adjustment to a different environment, it could be association with kids that act that way, it could be he doesn't feel he fits in, so many possibilities.

I assume he knows the reason for changing schools and I suggest if any doubts you reassure him that it has nothing to do with you not wanting him around. Sometimes kids see things differently than we do. I would also suggest you talk with your brother to see how he feels your son is adjusting and whether he is happy or not. Since school is almost over for the year, I presume he will be coming home for the summer. If this is the case, take this time to really talk. Let him know that you love him no matter what and you might even ask him, if he thinks it was a mistake to send him to another school, allow yourself to be open and that might open the door for him to be open. Again PRAYER works wonders. I know this for absolute fact,. My daughter and I went through several bouts of that hate you attitude, and we are now closer than ever. Of course her being a mother now made alot of what I did as a mother sink in.

As far as struggling, being poor or low income is hard, but I tell you the truth; a house filled with LOVE and God, beats all the money in the world. Love can sustain,things don't. I hope I have been of some help and your family will be in my prayers. K. M

Your son is growing up! My son and I talked all the time until his got around the 8th grade. Then he started being very private. If I asked him things like, "What color is your shirt" (I'm just making up this question) he'd say something like, "Why are you so nosey? Why do you have to get in my business?" However, I found out that if I was just social and nice to him, sometimes he'd open up and tell me things. If I started asking questions, he'd clam up! As kids grow up, we have to learn to cut those apron strings. Otherwise, they will never learn to be independent. I also have a daughter and she and I talk about anything and everything. I find girls to be more talkative!
I think it is just a growing phase! He knows you are there for him. Just tell him you love him everytime you talk with him. He won't admit it, but he likes to hear that. Finally after 25 years, my son will say back, "I love you too!" That's the only reward I need! Good luck!

Right now he is with your brother and his family. Has your brother had a chance to understand any problems or bad friends he may have? Sometimes families have to be separated. Since this is happening now with you, try to find ways to stay connected despite the distance. Maybe it will help if you call your son every evening...especially after tests or projects so he sees you are still concerned and connected to him. Write him short notes or send cards every day or few days. He may find it silly initially, but as this continues, he may see that u r thinking about him every day and quite often during the day. Another idea, maybe do the drive and meet him for supper one night during the week? Good Luck with everything.

First of all, T., please don't be so hard on yourself. Raising a 15 y/o son is very different from raising a 17 y/o daughter. When your son comes home on the weekends, sometimes arrange to go out to dinner (not expensive, but the type of foods he likes) with him, just the 2 of you. To get him to talk with you, not to you, learn to ask open-ended questions as these type of questions require more than a yes or no response. For example, what's the best thing that happened to you this week? Tell me about some of the girls you like. Is there anything I can help you with? Or you can give him something to solve for you-"I'm so glad you're home because I need your help with....

Write your son a note telling him about his positives attributes and what makes him special to you. NO Negatives, pls.

Practice saying "I love you" to your children just because they are your children. Give unexpected hugs just because. And, tell you son that you are having a difficult time raising him because you love him so much and want the very best for him.

I guess what I'm saying, T., is it is OK to be vulnerable with your son and he's needs to know that. Males think very differently than females do and as a male he won't tell you everything but he needs to understand that if he wanted to, he could.

Question for you? Does your son have any positive males in his life? Other than your brother?

I ask this because I see women raising their daughters, but spoiling and pampering their sons and then as women, we wonder why men are the way they are. Sons need to be raised just like daughters.

Kudos to you as a mother?

R. G.

Hi, T. -

You have received lots of great advice, which confirm the thoughts I wanted to share with you from my own experience.

(1) This phase too, shall pass. A teenager is successful just making it through the teenaged years with hormones exploding and emotions intensified. Time for us Moms to "lighten up" and keep communication lines open.

(2) Your son has a male image by being with your brother, but who made that decision?
One of your readers suggested that he may be missing most of the school activities by splitting his time between the two homes and forgoing weekend activities where he attends.

(3) Another reader said that your son may feel a bit lost now that he is living away from his family. (Of course, at his vulnerable age it would probably intensify in his mind and he would never, never admit that fact.)

(4) Without knowing your circumstances at all, my suggestion is to approach your son and say how much you miss having him a part of your home all the time, and would he consider moving back to attend the school nearby for the remainder of his high school years. Then to look at his expression, his voice tone, his body, and his words to come closest to knowing exactly how he feels about it.

(5) Vocalize to him all the positive things about him that you can think of. Don't look for a positive response back. As one of your readers suggested, he'll be "back to normal" when about 25 years old!

(6) Keep saying affirmative things to and about your girl, too...she is also going through the teenage syndrome. You & I made it through...remember? It wasn't so long ago.

I pray for you to provide a Christian home for your children.
If you pray for His help, the Lord will answer.

God bless you, T..
M. T

I know how you feel girl my son use to talk to me about every thing now i fill like he dont want to talk and he is almost 14 so it most be a boy thing i hate it but they will grow up and dont always want to talk to mom.but one thing i do every day is hug him and let him know how much i love him and im always here for him no matter what im here.and i tell if he ever needs to talk im here to listen just try to make sure you call your son every night and just say like i called to tell you i love you and i miss you very much maybe the older he is geting it gets to him not having his dad thats very hard on kids i grew up with out my dad and it not easy but your son does love you he is just at that age where they think there all grown up they dont need mom haha they always need mom.have a good weekend enjoy being with your kids and love them.god bless you

It sounds to me that he understands the better school part. But living without your mom, well even though it is your brother it is different. He isn't home and feel free to do the things he did at home. Its hard for kids 18/19 starting college to leave home and live with out mom and dad, so just realize that he is missing you much and not sure how to say it.You may want to keep telling him how much you miss having him in the house, that you wish he didnt need to be with anyone other then you, and how thrilled you will be when it is over. I understand your situation, but as a member of the US Army i can tell you we would rather live in a 3rd world country together then be apart.

Hi T.,
I'm a single mom of a 15 yr. old daughter. She has her moments but thankfully, she's not like I was when I was 15...
Anyway, I can imagine how hard it is to feel your son disconnect from you. Some of this is completely normal though I think . At that age, it's like they want complete freedom and feel like adults themselves. I remember hating my mom at times for all kinds of reasons.
Maybe if you and he could do something together low key and where he doesn't feel any pressure, you could gently tell him how you feel and let him know you want/need him to talk to you and that he can tell you anything at all. I wouldn't talk to my mom out of fear she'd never understand or that I'd get punished. I try to be careful w/ my own daughter now and be very open w/ her. Hopefully this helps a little. Best of luck to you T.. Teenage years are so hard for everyone.
peace, Kris

There is nothing you can do to combat teenage brooding and hormones. All you can really do is continue to tell him you misss him and love him. Maybe this summer, you can plan some kind of outing with just the two of you...something reminiscent of when he was little. Take him to a baseball game or sporting event. Take him out to dinner and a movie...it will be "date night." Do this with each child once a month and your relationships will get better. Oh, are you dating anyone, that could be a source of contention for a boy and his single Mother?

My oldest boy is about to be 22 yrs old, and even though he will open up and talk more readily it is still hard sometimes. At 15 yrs old the best talks we had were when we were driving (all of our extended family was 2 hrs away at the time). Sometimes we would start talking from a specific question either he or I would put forth, or it would arise from a song on the radio, etc. It seems that with teenage boys they are more likely to open up to their Moms when there is a distraction that will keep all eyes occupied on something else.

With the high price of gas these days I would suggest trying the long drive approach with an actual destination in mind, rather than aimless driving. You might try getting out the family album and looking at pictures together in hopes of starting a conversation, a video game that is "mild" so as not to provoke tempers, or maybe even a board game. Remember the idea is to have a "distraction" so he doesn't feel like he is being interrogated. Good luck!!

He is a 15 year old BOY, and this is really normal. Even if a father were in the picture, this would probably still be happening. There are things he is going through and feeling that he doesn't think he can talk to his MOM about. Just keep the lines of communication open,and don't act any differently towards him. He will talk when he feels comfortable. Your relationship is changing and growing, because HE is changing and growing. Make sure he understands that you are always there for him, and can talk to you about anything, and he may come around. If he doesn't, just understand that his being a boy makes for a different relationship with his mother.

Your son agreed to the move because he felt like he had to. I've been the kid. He feels like you don't want him around anymore. Forget the better schools, he'll get a great education just being with you. He'll have his mother home every night. You have no idea what the rules are at your brother's house or what he's being treated like when your not around. Let him finish this year, but bring him home and let him finish school with you. Make him understand you want him in your life. Also with him coming home to you on Fridays - he can't even be part of the school he's going to because everything happens on the weekends so you're really causing him to be handicapped in more than one way. No wonder he won't talk. He's full of anger and resentment. Girl I know it sounded like you were doing him and yourself a better thing but in the reality of it - you aren't doing anything but giving him a better school to attend without letting him actually become involved in the school. If that was me - I'd refuse to talk to the person that put me in that place also. I'd feel like an intruder in their life when I came into their house every weekend. He can't even play a sport because he had to come back to you every weekend. He basically went there sat in a classroom, did the homework and nothing more. I'd be surprised to learn he even has a friend because he's never got time to make them. What's wrong - the road doesn't work both ways? If he truly went to a better school - he went there to live it. You shculd be the one visiting him. If he was in military school, you wouldn't be bringing him home every weekend, would you? Either he's going to be 100% in the school and able to do anything and everything in the school or bring him home and let him be in the school district you live.

Good luck, but think of your son because right now you're cheating him out of an education - not getting him the best one possible.

T., I taught high school for 38 years, and trust me, 15 year old boys don't talk to anybody much! This is really just a developmental stage he is going through to help him mature. It doesn't help you much, I know. Maybe you could plan an activity with just the two of you that is something he likes to do--any board games, go for a walk--that might involve talking about a non-threatening topic. Teenagers do not want to answer ANY direct questions. If you can even watch a program on TV that you can discuss without making it too personal. This too, shall pass, but it might be painful for a while.