Sibling Rivalries, What to Do?

She needs some positive attention. When people come over to see the baby, Grandmas etc, have them spend a little time with the older one fiirst. Just saying HI and commenting on her dress, reading a story, then have her show off the baby.

Your daughter is craving attention... good or bad she just wants attention.

You need to spend time with your oldest - alone. Even if all you do is go to the grocery store, she needs her time. Think about it - you brought this new baby home and now every one is spending time with her and your oldest feels like an after thought. She is jealous. Can you blame her??
My children are 2.5 years apart. I made sure that my oldest had his "mommy time" -- every day we did something together. Sometimes we went to the grocery store, sometimes we did story time, sometimes we just played legos...

Try to give her her own one on one time. Mommy/daughter time. Take her to the park, out to lunch with a happy meal, movie, etc. Babies get all the attention from everyone because they are cute, say silly things and are always on the move and it takes away from the older kids and they don't always have the words to express how they feel.

Your daughter was an only child for 5 yrs and that can be a hard adjustment. My kids are 10 and 4 and my daughter went though jealous issues towards her brother so I started giving one or two Saturdays a month just for her for a few hrs to half a day and I noticed a huge improvement with her attitude towards everything.

In the mean time, when she does act like this towards her sister you need to send her to a time out place for 7 mins. After that is up, talk to her in a calm manner and explain to her how that is not good behavior, would she like it if you bit/hit/pulled her and help her with some feeling words like mad/sad/angry to help her lean how to describe how she feels inside instead of taking it out on her sister. It will take time and time again but it will sink in and don't get mad at her if she tells you she is mad at you because she is expressing her feelings in a positive way.

Good luck!!
S.

When every family member is so happy playing with the baby? Sounds like your first child feels like she's chopped liver. It's easy for a baby to steal a lot of attention, and when older children feel ignored, passed over, forgotten - they get angry. When you see your neighbor and how her family works, does she praise the older kids for being such good helpers/big brothers/sisters, make time to be with each child one on one for a bit? You have to look at how the older kids are treated and not so much how the older kids treat the new baby.

She feels like a satellite floating around everything else and the new baby and you. She is marginal... now. Per the new baby.

Its normal... she is only 2 years old.. .and they don't even have 'emotions' fully developed at this age yet... NOR the ability to "cope" with their feelings.
She is normal.
She needs more comforting... which is different from 'attention.'

Keep your 'expectations' of her... age-appropriate.
Otherwise, she and you... will be continually, frustrated.
The only difference being, that she is not developmentally 'able' to, on her own, at-will.... ''manage' her emotions... nor what happens to her.

all the best,
Susan

Have her help. Giver her jobs. Make HER important. Have her go get the diapers. Have her help change the diapers. Give her TONS of praise. Make her "mommy's Specal Helper." She's 2 and perfectly capable of doing jobs. Our 18 month old emptied the dishwasher. Our 4 year old vacuums the house. We have them help early and it's fun for them, not a chore.

I've noticed that when moms have their babies at the hospital and don't include the siblings, there tends to be issues. I'm NOT judging you, but rather giving my persepctive after attending 100s of births and knowing the families. The mother leave pregnant and the child stays home. The mother returns with a new baby and the child may wonder what was wrong with the and why they needed a better baby. Why were they being replaced? The are 2 or 3 or 4....and they don't get the process and how can they? They weren't there and they don't understand what happens.

Many families who have brough their children to the hospital to be a part of the process, don't have the same issues with sibling rivalry. We had our children watch birth videos and they LOVED them. When my oldest was 2, he asked to watch "babies being born." When his borther was born at home, he was standing right there and watched him enter the world. It wasn't traumatic and there was no replacing. When he watched his sister born at home, he actually cut the cord at 5 years old. Now that he's 7, and we just told him I am pregnant, he was so excited, that he gave me a huge hug and told me loved me. There is no bullying in our home. Sibling rivalry doesn't exist in our home and nor would I let it.

My mom explained to me that my brother was my best friend and if he were gone, would would I play with? She described my life without him and to this day, I remember that. I would be sad without him.

You can still have her watch birth videos on youtube and this might help her understand better....but even more than that, have her help.

Also, when people would say, "Oh, she's so cute," and my sons were right there, I would add, "I have 3 cute kids, don't I?" Then all 3 of them were being acknowledged.

I also have a 2 yr old and 7 month old! We have had similar jealousy problems. I have not totally fixed it but I have done a few things that have seemed to help-- I absolutely do not accept hitting, hurting, etc. the baby. Because they are doing it to gain attention what I do is put my older son in time out and then give the baby lots of affection. I think it has helped to show him that acting like that does not get him MORE attention it gets the baby more attention. Then when he's out of time out I sit down with both of them and try to get him to positively interact with the baby in some way and give him LOTS of praise and attention for that.

The other thing that has made a big difference is making sure my first gets lots of attention and one on one time and actually point it out to him. Like lots of attention during nap time or after the baby goes to bed. Also, a few times a month I have a neighbor watch the baby so just me and the older one can go out and do something together or after my husband gets home I'll take just the oldest to the store. His attitude after he has the alone time improves a TON! A few weeks ago I took him to the water park just the two of us and he was like a different child!
Good luck, I know its tough but I keep thinking we'll all survive and it will be fine even though some days I don't know if I believe it!

Your daughter is afraid right now. Afraid that you are not available to her, afraid that her needs cannot be met. Lots of patience and lots of love. She is too little to have an internal boundary with her sister so she needs you to be the one who will physically block her from hurting her sister (or the other adults around her). Try to minimize all the praise and attention to the baby when she is around. You have to care for the baby of course, but there is no need for "awww... isn't she cute?? I looove her soooo much...." that everyone tends to do with a little one. There is lots of time for that when the toddler is playing somewhere else. When she does go for the baby, stop her but acknowledge her emotions. "Looks like you're feeling mad right now. It's hard to control your body. I'm going to help you. Let's play something else together." If she's too angry to be distracted, try showing her how to release her emotions - jumping on pillows? Drawing an "angry" picture? Going outside to run around?

She's too little to be a bully. She's just releasing her fears in the only way she knows. She will learn how to be kind by watching you and also be growing older and learning empathy. She is too young to have much empathy for her sibling. It will take several years for that to start showing. But she will learn it by experiencing YOU caring about HER. Show her that you understand her emotions and that they are normal. That you still love her no matter what. (and, that you can keep her safe by not letting her close enough to hurt the baby.)

Good luck! I had to deal with the same thing with my 2 year old. She's 3 now and it's MUCH better. Though I think not over yet :)

I have issues with this too, but on a lesser scale. Mine are three and 6 months. The older gal likes to knock her little sis over for no reason, snatch toys out of hands for no reason, pull on her arms extra hard, etc. I see at as testing boundaries, and they've never had anyone littler than them that they can exert power over before. It doesn't help [for me to tell you what I did from the beginning, since it's too late to change that, But here's what I am doing NOW to address and counteract these behaviors.
I've set limits and consequences (the big one for me is- anytime she causes the baby to fall over she gets an immediate time-out... because sometimes it is an overzealous "hug" that will knock her over -on "accident" of course) And I state this often using the exact same words every time, pretty much whenever I see her approaching the baby when the baby is sitting on the floor. Then if it still happens, I follow through and give the time-out. Reminding her "remember, ANY time you cause the baby to fall over you will go on an immediate time-out". This has helped immensely. We are still working on the toy-snatching thing. Using the same type of words, "we will not allow you to take the babies toys, you will wait your turn" and taking the toy back and immediately returning it to the baby (even if older sis cries and tantrums, which we ignore and restate the rule). Eventually they get it that they can't do this kinda stuff, that the outcome will be the same every time, etc.
I am lucky because I also see a lot of moments of love and my older daughter will hug and kiss and say positive things about the baby. So I try to really affirm those moments and point them out to others, and praise her a lot when this happens. (I'll be honest, sometimes I have to take the smallest sign of sisterly love and make a big deal out of it because it will be the only time it happened that day!) I say stuff like "oh grandma look how much these sisters love eachother" or "you are such a good big sister" and really try to promote the big sister role and the message that sisters love each other and protect eachother and look up to each other. I talk a lot about my sisters too (I have 5 she knows them all, her aunties) and which ones are my big sisters and which ones are my little sisters. Just reiterating the specialness of the relationship.
Good luck, those are the only tips I have! Just keep working at it. And do not tolerate anything that hurts the baby. OH I also make a big show of "scolding" the baby when she grabs he big sisters hair "Oh no, we do not pull our sister's hair, it hurts her" so my older daughter knows it works both ways.

Remember that she is 2. When we brought our 2nd home, I insisted that anyone that came over to see the baby HAD to spend time(acknowledge) with our oldest. We also had some friends come over ONLY to see and play with her. I made it a point to do some mommy/daughter activities-even if it was just the 2 of us going to the gym.

It isn't about controlling her, it is about her lack of attention. Make sure she gets plenty of attention. The 2's are trying enough, so she does need to know that biting/pinching/etc is not acceptable--which she is doing because she doesn't have the vocabulary to express herself. Check out The Happiest Toddler on the Block.

Good Luck and remember this too shall pass.

my two children are the same time frame apart. My younger son is only two months. What i did is from the second i brought Aiden home from the hospital i let his brother hold him and help me care for him. I make sure to set aside some time for Johnny (my oldest) and that is our special time. When ever he tries to hurt the baby (i.e. Throw a car at him because he can't play with him with the cars.) I nicely tell him he did something wrong and explain to him why. then he goes on time out which is where we hold him for about 5-10 mins and he can't play with his toys.
Since its too late to start the bond the way i did i suggest having her help with him anyway. be there watching them carefully of course. When you hold the baby hold the two year old too. Praise her when she does something good to the baby and give her a treat. try not to favor one over the other. this can be hard because the younger one needs you more while your two year old is starting to want to be independent. The best thing you can do is not over react when she does something mean towards the baby. she's just acting out to get your attention. She doesn't really hate the baby she just hates that it takes your attention away from her.
Good Luck. I know it can be hard but hang in there.

Hi Mamcee,

here's a link to a response I had given (which also includes ANOTHER link that I had posted before that). It would've taken me too long to find the first post regarding sibling rivalry. I have very solid tools that really works with my kids. My daughter is 4.5 now and my son is almost 2.5 and they get along very well. There relationship is 95% very loving and caring. Then there's the other 5% that is just immaturity and lack of proper communication because of age. So I have to say that in comparison to what I see iNmy friends' homes, my home is a peaceful one. I really hope it will help you too.

Now that my daughter is older (since the last time i first implemented my "tools"), i have made some tweaks and adjustments according to her age and ability. But her "choices" (you will understand what this means when you read the other link) are pretty much the same.

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/4948777835411079169

All the best!

Like everyone has suggested, you should plan some quality alone time with your older girl. You should make it a routine so she knows what to expect. My kids are about their age as well, 9 mo and 32 mo. It's a constant struggle but I think being persistent will help. I hope:)
I also pick out gift for my older one and tell him is from his little sis. And praise him for good behavior in front of the baby and say things like " I hope you grow up to be just like your brother". As far as the hitting goes, I try to address the behavior only instead of whom he hit. I'd ask if he would like me to hit him. If not then he should not hit anyone either.... Also, have your girl help you to take care of the baby. You can have her hand you the diaper, trash the diaper, etc. And complement her on her grown up behavior. But remember she is still a baby!! Best wishes!!

I think big sister needs to feel valued. Other than spending special time with her, give her a "very important job" that "only big girls can do" and have it be something relating to her sister. Let big sis pick out the clothes for her sister, or sing baby the ABC song whenever she cries, or hand you the wipes, or something, and make sure that you express your need for her to help out. "Gosh, I really need some help, and I need a big girl to help me with this. Do you think that every time XYZ happens that you could help me do ABC?" Make sure that it is something she can do and you continually ask for her help. That way she can fell big and important, not just like yesterday's news.