Hello,
We could say that the girls are right on many different levels. However there is this ever lingering question, what if?
What if? He actually decides to grow up and become the adult one should be at age 39.
What if? He can stop lying about the stupid things or for that matter, anything.
What if? For once he stopped saying he's doing the best he can, instead of letting us fall way behind in rent, and got a real job.
What if? He didn't like to drink and spend time with 20 year olds all the time instead of being home with his family.
What if? For once he actually brought home enough money for me to actually buy the things we need at one time, other than me
having to ask for money because he brings home next to nothing everyday. ( He's a waiter).
What if? When he was off or had the majority of the day off before going to work he didn't sleep and actually acknowleged we
existed. That would be weird.
What if? He didn't transfer to North Carolina with the same dead end company to make a better life for us and get a better job
there. There was one, but who knows what happened to it, he would have gotten a nice amount for a perdiem and
great pay. Where did that job go. puff it magically disappeared the same way it appeared.
What if? He could stand up for himself and say I can't do it the girls make me crazy and I don't want to be home and the money I m
make would be enough for me to live on, since it's mine anyways. ( As on occasion he puts it so nicely to me).
What if? It wasn't my fault that he's a looser, because I should work. I have a really weird stuff going on with my left leg, besides
swollen ankles ever so often, so I can't sit for or stand for very long periods of time without going into severe pain. I am
finally going to get help for this. I'm also going to file for disability.
What if? I've spoken to my landlord and she wants money by the end of the month I would guess at least a months rent, and he
doesn't see how he's going to have it. She's going to evict us.
What if? The girls and I were made promises for a whole better life here . We were moved all the way from Florida to broken
promises and no where to live. To bad after 3 years were right back where we started. But without him, left pretty
much high and dry.
What if? My husband could own up to anything; instead he verbally abuses me and blames me for everything. It would be great if
he could be nice.
What if? This wasn't the second time he left us high and dry, facing eviction and no where to live and no money. How would you
feel trying to figure out how to tell your 3 daughters that are 9, 11 and 12, that we might loose everything again and this
time we don't have anywhere to go. Because I have no relatives out here and the ones do are older than you and me put
together.
What if? I didn't have to count on other people to get around I'd be able to take my kids to get there well checks and the dentist.
There is noway possible to explain how utterly helpless and alone I feel, I don't know anyone really I have noone to ask
because I know they really don't want to, I can see on there face and not showing up pretty much explains itself.
What if? My youngest daughter Heather (9) as I look at her little face full of wonder, she asks me if God answers everyones
prayers, I said that God does the best that he can and as far as I know he does. So she says, so that means well have
our own home and car and we won't need anybody but each other. Which has pretty much been the way its been from
the beginning my husband has never really been interested in us. It has always been,
H. and the Girls
Disabllity won't pay the bills.
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No harshness intended. Sorry. Just don't count on disability being the save all here. Other ladies have given you great advice.
Change doesn't happen without a catalyst. As long as everything continues on the way it has been nothing will change.
What if? You didn't count on anyone else to fix your life and make things work?
What if? You picked yourself up, dusted yourself off and took responsibility for yourself and your girls...all by yourself?
You are the adult. You make the decision. Don't put it on the kids and don't encourage them to think he's a loser, even if he is. Keep that opinion to yourself. But if he's verbally abusive, then you may be able to get into a shelter for abused women and their children and get a way out that way. Go with what IS not WHAT IF.
All kids think their parents are losers.
You husband has never had any interest in you or your kids, he has always been awful? That would explain the 11 year old, maybe the 9 year old but clearly he was doing something for you to have three kids with him.
I am not saying this to be mean but that you have to be in a strong place to get a divorce. If you leave with this, the world has done me wrong, attitude it is going to be hard. What you are contemplating doing is removing all your excuses. Rent isn't paid, all on you. Kids aren't happy, all on you. No one to talk to, all on you. Everything will be on you, are you ready for that?
If not look to self improvement, then go back and look at the list.
WHAT IF - You face reality? I could dream all day of the things I want - what if I win the lottery - that would be great! The reality is it's not going to happen.
If a person has proven himself to be bad, then you can dream all you want but it's not going to change things. Pretty soon you will have wasted your whole life. What are you accomplishing for you and your girls by wishing the past was different and that the future might magically change? Be a role model for kids, your husband is clearly not one.
You have been married for at least 12 years. You state what has happened and what the results have been. In this time all the "promises" have been broken or not met. It is time to take the ball and put it in your court and run with hit.
As the other poster stated you can't change anyone else you can only change you. If you have to go to a shelter do so and start over. They can help you with getting housing and medical care and food. You will be able to rebuild your life and the lives of your children bit by bit.
This won't be easy but it will be a lot better than what you have. You may find that once you are able to get up on your feet that your husband will either be with you or not. I feel that he will not because he is too self centered to think about anything else.
If you don't make a change you will be 65 and in the same boat with nothing. You deserve a lot more than this. Time stands still for no one. It is time to poo or get off the pot. You make the call and you make change. Good luck to you. It is time to not depend on him for anything as he has not come through in the past. Time to go into survivor mode and do what you have to to provide for you and your gilrs.
The other S.
PS There is someone out there that will love you and the girls for who you all are and respect, provide and profess his love to you.
H.,
Don't put this decision on your children. At this time you are dealing with four children, your daughters and your husband. He's a big boy and has decided NOT to take sincere responsibility for his family. You are the head of your family a need to be strong.
PLEASE contact: http://www.womenshelters.org/cit/la-sulphur
Pack your bags and cut your losses.
Blessings...
The answer to the what if's is that he would be a different person, not HIM. And H., he's not magically going to change into a different person.
Then again, you knew that.
Please just get out of him the most you can monetarily and don't look for anything else from him. As soon as you get the disability, get him out of your home. He most likely isn't covering enough of the rent for you to keep him around, especially considering he is hurting his family emotionally.
Dawn
You know, before you think about whether to leave your husband, you need to figure out the problem of housing. Then, you need to figure out health care and some kind of income. Those things come first.
I recommend addressing things in the following order:
1. Is there any way you can pay the rent in your current location? Can you find out if you qualify for a Section 8 voucher? Can you cobble together loans from friends and relatives? Can you look into a church assistance program? Do you have anything you can sell, for example your computer? If you're able to come up with a partial rent payment, can you ask the landlord to accept the rest at mid-month?
2. If not, what's your best plan B? Can you move in temporarily with family or friends, even if it's out of state? Can you look into short-term housing from the state? If all else fails, you may need to move to a shelter, but try every other option first.
3. You and your kids need health care. This condition you have with swollen ankles may well be treatable. And if you get it treated, you can look for work. So, if you're a family of 4 or 5 with no income, you probably qualify for Medicaid. Sign up, and get yourself treated. I also recommend looking into treatment for depression. You've had a very hard time, and depression is a natural response, but it's also very treatable. And if you get treatment for that, it'll make it easier for you to pick up all the other pieces.
4. You need some kind of income. Either sign up for disability ASAP, or look for some kind of work, or both. (I think it may take time for disability to come through, and you may find work in the meantime.)
5. Once you get these emergency-level problems solved, then yes, you should leave your husband. He is an alcoholic, and he's not being a partner to you or a dad to your girls. It's possible for an alcoholic to commit to recovery, but it's hard as hell, and it's not going to randomly happen on the basis of what-ifs. And most importantly, food, shelter, and medical care are more important than relationships. Don't even think one way or the other about this guy until you get that sorted out.
You have a lot to take care of, but for today, you just need to make three phone calls. First, call your daughters' school(s) and ask to speak to a social worker. Explain your situation and ask for a referral to another social worker who can help with your housing situation. Then, call two churches and tell them you're in need of emergency assistance. Then, step by step, take it from there.
What if you talked to your doctor and got a referral to a sliding-scale clinic for counseling, to get professional help dealing with your situation at home, so you can figure out what you really want for your life?
As Michelle S said below. You can't change him. He obviously doesn't want to change. The only thing you can change is the future for YOU and your girls.
Is there anyone in Florida you can go back to for help?
Let him wallow in his laziness and lack of appetite for better opportunity.
easier said then done? Yes. But the current situation isn't working, nor is it changing.
Start doing your research. Contact family and friends for suggestions, or help. Get on your own two feet. Don't let your kids think this is the way adults live. Your husband sounds like a child. You already have 3.
Do what Reverend Ruby says.
What if you leave, doing the best for your girls, and give him a wake up call? If he wakes up, for REAL, that's another story. Staying with him is not doing them any favors. Staying in a bad situation can ruin kids - 2 parents is not best if both of them aren't doing THEIR best.
I am sorry that your husband sucks. Do you have family in Florida? Can you move back (with or without him)? I hope so, you need to be closer to a support system if at all possible. You should def reach out to social services and see what kind of help you can get in the meantime. That will help you in the short term. In the long term, the only way to get change is to make it happen. Leave him and get a job so that you dont have to rely on others all the time. I will say though that your odds of getting social security disability approved based on swollen ankles is about 0%. I work in the industry and can tell you it won't happen. And depending on your work history, you might not qualify anyway - you have to have worked enough hours in your lifetime to qualify. Your best bet for both short and long term future is to get a job. That alone will start to open doors for you . Lucky for you, your kids are older so you could work while they are in school and it wont cost you extra to get child care. Good luck.
Is this the alcoholic husband that walked out on you Thanksgiving??
Have you gone to ALanon? You do realize he is an alcoholic, right?
H. - I'm sorry you are struggling right now. You have received some really good advise.
You need to realize that he will not change if he doesn't want to change. The only one you can change is you. Contact social serivces and see what you can qualify for. Your focus needs to be on you and the girls. Deal with him later.
Do you really want to live your current life based on What If?
The best prediction of someone's future behavior is their past behavior. There's your answer.
Is he their father? Sue for child support even if you think he can never pay. He made those babies and he has an obligation to support them no matter what.
I think you've answered your own question. Don't plan on anyone changing. You only have the ability to change yourself. Maybe with disability you could get a degree online and figure out something for you and your girls' future.
